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Welcome

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on June 30, 2022 by Al TurtleJune 30, 2022 4

I hope you are looking for love, a great relationship for yourself, and maybe eventually a durable marriage, or even just the skills to get along well with anyone, and ways to make the world a better place.  If you have, I’ve got lots of ideas to share with you. This page is one of the hubs from which to start your studies. There are several hundred articles on this site, and they ARE organized.  But people who come here are not so organized.  They often want just one answer to one question.  Well, some sample questions are below.  Some answers are in a fun article called Using My Logic. You can search for words or phrases in your question.  Google and other Search Engines seem to like me.  So try a search for “Al Turtle frustration” or “Al Turtle relationship” (your word or phrase) and see what happens.  Or maybe you want to have my view of Where to Start.  In any case, click on How to Use this Website to see the general structure and to start finding your way around.  Here are some specific topics:

  • What to do when he/she leaves you?
  • What to do when he/she won’t talk?
  • What to do when he/she won’t make a decision?
  • Help! What’s going on with Marriage? Here’s a Map.
  • Where to Start in making a better relationship?
  • And you’ll need this: PreValidation.
  • How to get rid of resentments?
  • Clinging or Avoiding? What to do.
  • How to get him/her to do what you want?
  • Stop the arguing. But what then? (Master/Slave)
  • Whose fault is it, anyway? Who is to Blame?
  • Did he/she do something “out of the blue?”
  • Secrets! How much should you share?
  • FAQ – The most asked questions and solutions.
  • Having a Bad Day! What to do?
  • What is Empathy? You’ll need it.
  • What is all this about being “victim?”
  • Finding Mr. or Ms. Right
  • Building and Rebuilding Trust?  And Safety?
  • Boundary Skills?
  • Boundaries in a Relationship?
  • How to Use this Website?
  • Hey! Get to Work!
  • When to Give Up?

Which Essays are Popular? (Updated April 1, 2019)

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on June 29, 2022 by Al TurtleJune 30, 2022 7

A bend in the trail of life, and on the way up to Scenic Point, Two Medicine, Glacier Park, Montana. "Heading up, at times you gotta switch directions."

Hello Friends,

It’s spring, 2019.  I am mostly retired, have hit 77, and yet still I am playing “WHAT ARE THEY READING?”  After seeing over 3000 couples and instead of writing a book, I decided to make my “ working notes” available via Internet.  And instead of marketing, I have used word-of-mouth or touch-of-keyboard to spread awareness.  I have posted 190 articles in over eight years since March 2005.  In the past seven years since June of 2012, when I moved my site to WordPress, they’ve been downloaded 1,110,597  times.  Gee!

Top Reads

The top read articles seem to be becoming a fairly steady set. At the “top” are now two articles.  One is that article on What to do when he/she leaves.  I imagine that in the last year 7,711 hurting people came here, while their partners, 7,711 also hurting people, were elsewhere.  But a new article has reached beyond it, What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.  Seems to me that people, 12,887, are beginning to be more accurate and sensitive to what is going wrong.    Thanks to all of  you. 

Summary Thoughts

While I’ve been sharing and watching what people do with my writings I have come to certain simple conclusions.

  • He/she leaves you cuz the relationship you have with them “sucks” – for them.  And it has probably been “sucky” for some time.  If it takes someone leaving to get your attention, so be it.  Get to work and learn quickly.  Fix it.
  • Do not rush your partner.  Do not let your partner rush you.  Develop a pace in talking and doing that is easy for both of you. Make sure you develop easy skills of being together and being apart.
  • The partner who seems to drag their feet is the one who sets the pace of growth in the relationship.  You two can’t move faster than the slower one’s pace.  But you absolutely also need the pressure and impatience of the faster one, to keep things moving.  Both are important. 
  • If you don’t learn how a) to PreValidate and Validate, b) remove MasterTalk,  and c) learn the verbal sharing skills taught quickly by Mirroring then you are probably “screwed”.
  • Use skills that build safety and get rid of all habits that threaten each other.
  • Express feelings often and always safely.
  • Take turns being appropriately selfish.
  • Learn to like your views/beliefs and make plenty of room for others to disagree.

Of Interest

Stuff I do.  There is a series of interviews by Laura LaVigne, eight 1-hour visits with me, all downloadable in MP3.  I’ve taught several classes for her during the last few years, and put all my colorful handouts here.  Sprinkled throughout are other MP3 downloadable audio files that you can buy, drop onto your IPod/Ipad or a CD and listen in your car.  Also you can find me on Facebook.   I do consult with people by phone.

IMG_5688a

 

Discussion Website

I have spent much time online in one of the many communities that have sprung up to share thoughts and struggles about relationships.  I congratulate them all, but have found a current home at Marriage Advocates.  If you want to see many new comments of mine on familiar topics, check them out.  Also, I encourage those of you, who are really grasping what I write, to consider sharing what you have learned and to work with others.


Ranking of Articles

The following is the ranking of my top articles, with links, in the last three months thru April 1st, 2019.  Thanks to all of you for reading, learning something, for sharing it with others, and for referring people here.  I hope what I have shared is helpful to you. If it has been, you might let me know.  If you want me to focus new writing on some area, please let me know.  I have a list. Also I may use your priorities to re-write or expand some of my more popular articles. Drop me an email at al@alturtle.com.

Last three months. 

Count Page Reads
1 What to do when he/she won’t talk to you. 2,287
2 What to do when He/She Leaves? 989
3 Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part One 657
4 Reliable Membership: The Essay 381
5 Feeling Words 367
6 Safety and The Lizard: The Essay 289
7 Map of Relationships: listen to or read the whole story 252
8 Boundaries for Individuals: The Essay 229
9 When to Fold ’Em? 219
10 MASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay 170
11 Where do you start? What goes first? 168
12 An Interview Series 165
13 Resentments: Getting Rid of Them 164
14 Using Al Turtle Logic on Relationship Troubles 153
15 The Power of Passivity: The Essay 152
16 Getting an Answer: When He/She Won’t Make a Decision 150
17 Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Four, Appropriate Expression 134
18 Welcome 133
19 The Road to Empathy: The Essay 130
20 Diversity and PreValidation: The Essay 129
21 One Liners that have helped me stay Dialogical 126
22 Which Essays are Popular? (Updated April 8, 2018) 120
23 “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves” 119
24 Vintage Love: What does it look like? 115
25 Boundaries for Couples: The Essay 112
26 It is Not Fair! The Testicle Principle 110
27 “Tortoise Trainer” by Osman Hamdi Bei 108
28 Caring Days: The Skill 107
29 Behavior Change Requests (BCRs) 100
30 Where are you? What type of Relationship do you Have? Right now! 95
31 How to Use this Website 95
32 Why to Learn Validation? 93
33 Healing Frustrations: The Essay 89
34 Peace Building: The Essay 80
35 Validation: The Skill and the Art 76
36 About Us 74
37 Mirroring: The Skill 74
38 Getting to Work 72
39 Noticing the Lizard in yourself and others. 66
40 The Problem with Expectations 66
41 The Biological Dream: An Excerpt 65
42 To be Safe You Must Share 64
43 Making Amends 63
44 Relationship Posters for the Wall 61
45 How to Chat with Al 60
46 The Gentle Art of Pulling 59
47 Using the Lizard Image 58
48 Guilt, Fault, and Who is to Blame 57
49 Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Two (FEAR, ANGER, GRIEF, JOY) 56
50 Find Mr. Right or Ms. Right 53

 

Where do you start? What goes first?

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on January 16, 2019 by Al TurtleApril 1, 2019 16

I often get asked this, and fortunately for me the answer is clear. But let's state the question more clearly. If I am in a couple, a relationship, what do I/we focus on first, second, third, etc. to make things better. Ok, here we go. The answer arises from two different major principles: the Anna Karenina Principle and the Biological Dream.

Continue reading →

Peace Building: The Essay

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on May 6, 2014 by Al TurtleJune 16, 2019  

When two people come together, they have a choice: to move toward Peace or to move toward War. The choices and the actions/habits that go with them are clear when one studies couples who are successful at bringing lasting Peace and those who are not.  (Sadly, most people I meet chose war!) What do you chose?  Here's my essay on this situation.

Continue reading →
Posted in Diversity, Peace Building | Tagged dialogue, essay, feelings, Imago, make sense, master-slave, mastertalk, mirroring, narcisism, peace, point of view, safety, share, trust, validation | Leave a reply

One Liners that have helped me stay Dialogical

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on May 4, 2014 by Al TurtleJune 7, 2014 1

I can think of nothing as important as getting to be, and staying, Dialogical. It makes possible solutions to all the relationship troubles. This is the list of one line reminders that I have used over the past 15 years to remind me of "a better way of getting along." I often have had a piece of paper with one of these phrases on my wall (sometimes many walls) at home or in my office where I can see it every day. These are learning tools.

Continue reading →
Posted in Main Page | Tagged boundary, dialogue, fault, feelings, Imago, make sense, peace, pulling, safety, share, trust, validation | 1 Reply

The Road to Empathy: The Essay

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on May 2, 2014 by Al TurtleJune 16, 2019 5

How about it? Want to learn to be empathic? Want to know when you aren't? Want to improve? I believe that more and more people will be talking about the “need for more empathy.” I believe that the primary cause of conflict in our families, our partnerships, our business, our marriages, our political communities, our churches, and in the world, is a pronounced lack of reliable empathic skills.

Continue reading →
Posted in Diversity, Main Page, Reliable Membership | Tagged boundary, dialogue, essay, fault, feelings, Imago, make sense, master-slave, mastertalk, mirroring, narcisism, need for connection, peace, point of view, pulling, safety, share, trust, validation | 5 Replies

Awakening Purpose in Your Life

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on August 7, 2013 by AlAugust 8, 2013 4

I wrote this in August 2010 in response to the postings of some friends in Marriage Advocates, directly on this topic. There are several life events that bring this drive toward Purpose in Life to the surface: a close-brush-with-death is good, retirement or closing-of-a-job in men, children-leaving-home in women are a few examples. In many writings this is called a midlife- or an identity-crisis. Whatever, we have to deal with it.

Continue reading →
Posted in Map of Relationships, Purpose | Tagged dialogue, feelings, safety, share, trust | 4 Replies

Combating Loneliness

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on July 12, 2012 by AlJanuary 3, 2016 3

A short essay on the new phenomenon of Living Alone.  Seems that this is preferable to being in a relationship where you feel alone.  If your partner feels alone, what can you do to change this and prevent it?  What can you do to not feel alone yourself?  What can you do to impress a new acquaintance that they won't have to feel alone – with you?

Continue reading →
Posted in Main Page, Reliable Membership | Tagged boundary, dialogue, feelings, mirroring, peace, point of view, pulling, share, trust, validation | 3 Replies

Where are you? What type of Relationship do you Have? Right now!

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on July 8, 2012 by Al TurtleJune 16, 2019 12

A fun article with labels for the different types of relationships. Tis all based on my Map of Relationships and experience. Take this as seriously as you choose.

Continue reading →
Posted in Main Page, Map of Relationships | Tagged affair, dialogue, feelings, peace, pulling, safety, share, trust, university of life | 12 Replies

Triage: Seeing trouble in Relationships Around You

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on July 7, 2012 by Al TurtleNovember 25, 2014 1

I am beginning to use the word Triage to apply to the question, "How much should I get involved? How much energy is it wise to expend on this person? / this couple?"

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Posted in Boundaries, Main Page, Reliable Membership | Tagged boundary, dialogue, pulling, share | 1 Reply

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