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Combating Loneliness — 3 Comments

  1. Dear Al, I think I'm a difficult spot right now and could use some advice. I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend of 4 months. We've been friends for the past 3 years.

    She lives about 90 miles away attending school. There's a significant age difference, she's almost 19 yrs old and I just turned 27 yrs old. She has a roommate at school who has a boyfriend who also attends school there, and they spend a lot of time together in the room they share, showing affection and being close to each other. This is reminding my girlfriend of her loneliness and desire for connection with me. I visit her about once every two weeks, which does not include holidays or school breaks.

    I believe her desire or want for connection is more than I can provide right now, and her roommate's display is overwhelming her. I've tried offering advice to her, suggesting she spend less time in her room with the two of them, or use headphones to drown them out, but I guess she can't escape it.

    Their display is demonstrating what she wants for herself, and I'm thinking she may begin to search for a better option than me, some guy who can provide that and be available everyday to her. We've talked about the disparity we share in dating experience, as I have years more than she does, and I think she resents that.

    We've also talked about marriage, and I was very open with her and said I consider her a match for me, that I'd love to marry her someday. I think that alternately delights her and frightens her. This is her first time being away from home, and she confesses to feeling "very much alone."

    I will not uproot myself to live near her, as the town she lives in is very small and not conducive to my lifestyle. I'm not even confident she will continue to attend this school for the full 4 years, as her tastes and interests exceed what the town has to offer. I've been willing to show patience and I think that's been confusing her lizard.

    Do you believe it is necessary to her personal-growth and maturation to date other guys at this time, to satiate her need for connection?

    Would I be doing the honorable thing by letting her go now, in order to preserve a chance of linking up with her at a later point in time? I've thought this through many times, and I've already been grieving for her loss, to adjust my mind and body, to prepare for this potential outcome. I don't know what other option I have.

    Thanks for listening. Sincerely, Johnny

  2. This is such a timely post for me while I deal with the loneliness of a now almost 6 month separation (actually separated 18 of the last 24 months). You are bang on, the loneliness I felt with him was much more difficult than the loneliness I feel now.

    I found your website while searching for "ways to get your man back" and I feel like the universe gave me a great gift. I have found a therapist locally thanks to your website and I am so hopeful I can heal from wounds I didn't even know I had until recently. I wish so much he could see what he is losing – a wife that would do anything to make our marriage work, three wonderful healthy children, a house that was paid off last month, a significant amount of money in both RRSPs and RESPs for each of our three children (I'm in Canada) and on top of that the potential of vintage love.

    BUT I can only work on me while he continues to live at his mother's. I marvel at how ironic it is that I had to walk away from my marriage to gain the insight to what it takes to make my marriage work – I was so busy dealing with his unpredictable behavior.

    I am hopeful that if nothing else I can work on me and prepare for the next relationship I'll be in (because apparently it will happen at some point though I don't believe it now), whoever that might be with. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, I've shared what I've learned from you with several others, friends whose relationships are not in quite as much trouble as mine was/is and they've told me how it's changed how they've viewed their relationship.

    Too late for me and the love of my life but at least I was able to help others.

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