It’s spring, 2019. I am mostly retired, have hit 77, and yet still I am playing “WHAT ARE THEY READING?” After seeing over 3000 couples and instead of writing a book, I decided to make my “ working notes” available via Internet. And instead of marketing, I have used word-of-mouth or touch-of-keyboard to spread awareness. I have posted 190 articles in over eight years since March 2005. In the past seven years since June of 2012, when I moved my site to WordPress, they’ve been downloaded 1,110,597 times. Gee!
The top read articles seem to be becoming a fairly steady set. At the “top” are now two articles. One is that article on What to do when he/she leaves. I imagine that in the last year 7,711 hurting people came here, while their partners, 7,711 also hurting people, were elsewhere. But a new article has reached beyond it, What to do when he/she won’t talk to you. Seems to me that people, 12,887, are beginning to be more accurate and sensitive to what is going wrong. Thanks to all of you.
While I’ve been sharing and watching what people do with my writings I have come to certain simple conclusions.
He/she leaves you cuz the relationship you have with them “sucks” – for them. And it has probably been “sucky” for some time. If it takes someone leaving to get your attention, so be it. Get to work and learn quickly. Fix it.
Do not rush your partner. Do not let your partner rush you. Develop a pace in talking and doing that is easy for both of you. Make sure you develop easy skills of being together and being apart.
- The partner who seems to drag their feet is the one who sets the pace of growth in the relationship. You two can’t move faster than the slower one’s pace. But you absolutely also need the pressure and impatience of the faster one, to keep things moving. Both are important.
If you don’t learn how a) to PreValidate and Validate, b) remove MasterTalk, and c) learn the verbal sharing skills taught quickly by Mirroring then you are probably “screwed”.
Use skills that build safety and get rid of all habits that threaten each other.
Express feelings often and always safely.
Take turns being appropriately selfish.
Learn to like your views/beliefs and make plenty of room for others to disagree.
Stuff I do. There is a series of interviews by Laura LaVigne, eight 1-hour visits with me, all downloadable in MP3. I’ve taught several classes for her during the last few years, and put all my colorful handouts here. Sprinkled throughout are other MP3 downloadable audio files that you can buy, drop onto your IPod/Ipad or a CD and listen in your car. Also you can find me on Facebook. I do consult with people by phone.
I have spent much time online in one of the many communities that have sprung up to share thoughts and struggles about relationships. I congratulate them all, but have found a current home at Marriage Advocates. If you want to see many new comments of mine on familiar topics, check them out. Also, I encourage those of you, who are really grasping what I write, to consider sharing what you have learned and to work with others.
Ranking of Articles
The following is the ranking of my top articles, with links, in the last three months thru April 1st, 2019. Thanks to all of you for reading, learning something, for sharing it with others, and for referring people here. I hope what I have shared is helpful to you. If it has been, you might let me know. If you want me to focus new writing on some area, please let me know. I have a list. Also I may use your priorities to re-write or expand some of my more popular articles. Drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Last three months.
||What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.
||What to do when He/She Leaves?
||Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part One
||Reliable Membership: The Essay
||Safety and The Lizard: The Essay
||Map of Relationships: listen to or read the whole story
||Boundaries for Individuals: The Essay
||When to Fold ’Em?
||MASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay
||Where do you start? What goes first?
||An Interview Series
||Resentments: Getting Rid of Them
||Using Al Turtle Logic on Relationship Troubles
||The Power of Passivity: The Essay
||Getting an Answer: When He/She Won’t Make a Decision
||Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Four, Appropriate Expression
||The Road to Empathy: The Essay
||Diversity and PreValidation: The Essay
||One Liners that have helped me stay Dialogical
||Which Essays are Popular? (Updated April 8, 2018)
||“Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”
||Vintage Love: What does it look like?
||Boundaries for Couples: The Essay
||It is Not Fair! The Testicle Principle
||“Tortoise Trainer” by Osman Hamdi Bei
||Caring Days: The Skill
||Behavior Change Requests (BCRs)
||Where are you? What type of Relationship do you Have? Right now!
||How to Use this Website
||Why to Learn Validation?
||Healing Frustrations: The Essay
||Peace Building: The Essay
||Validation: The Skill and the Art
||Mirroring: The Skill
||Getting to Work
||Noticing the Lizard in yourself and others.
||The Problem with Expectations
||The Biological Dream: An Excerpt
||To be Safe You Must Share
||Relationship Posters for the Wall
||How to Chat with Al
||The Gentle Art of Pulling
||Using the Lizard Image
||Guilt, Fault, and Who is to Blame
||Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Two (FEAR, ANGER, GRIEF, JOY)
||Find Mr. Right or Ms. Right