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Why to Learn Validation? — 14 Comments

  1. Pingback:Which Essays are Popular? (Updated April 1, 2019) – Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom

  2. Hi there, Al! Should I be mirroring and validating when someone is beating themselves up, saying they are stupid and ugly and worthless? I think I’m pretty good at mirroring and validating when there is a conflict between us, but when he beats himself up, my instinct is always to tell him he is wrong. Am I going about it the wrong way?

    • Hi Melanie, I think you are close and thanks for the efforts. When a person says something against themselves, the instinct to do something challenging it pretty strong, what to do. My main line is to make em feel heard and make em feel understood – so mirror and validation or at least PreValidation. Then I will likely state my disagreement with their conclusion – not telling them they are “wrong” but that I see it differently.

      E.g. “I’m a no good father.” “Yeah, I hear you think you’re no good and certainly you’ve been told that enough to believe it. But I don’t agree with you. I think you’ve been doing your best. I, of course, believe that about everyone. So who taught you to be a “good” dad?” Says I, making finger air quotes. Rule one is to not argue and try to force the person to pretend to agree. Their belief is theirs given their experience.

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