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Glossary of Terms — 2 Comments

  1. Deal Al,
    I last wrote to you back in July 2015, under the heading ‘Noticing the lizard …”. I’m still reading and re-reading your articles and I still think that they are very useful, for any kind of relationship. The reason I have landed on this page and that I’m writing here is that It seems to me, I have never really read the Glossary, which I find extremely helpful, because it enables me to recapture in a very short time the concepts and ideas underlying your relationship advice.
    I still have not given up on my husband, who has been, for reasons of his economic situation, mostly abroad, far away on the other side of the globe, hoping to be able to get a permanent job when he is back again. I’m sure that this is also a kind of refuge – from all the problems he had here. And my daughter shares this view.
    By the way, my daughter, who was in therapy (and occasionally attends sessions)and who used to laugh at my attempts at practicing “Mirroring” at the time, never did that again. Only yesterday I told her about Prevalidation and Validation, the Lizard concept (and the underlying concept of our tri-une brains, as part of a neurobiological approach to human behavior in general and specifically in relationships) already being part of how she reflects on her own behavior. I hope that, although a total lay”woman”, I have correctly repeated those concepts/ideas.
    And this is where again my husband comes in. Now a person who has also worked with a therapist understands what I’m talking about, So, for example when I’m talking about “reactive behavior” or “triggering” , she no longer thinks this is just psycho babble. I mentioned, too, that one of my favorite sources of knowledge is “that Al Turtle site” (she knows about my writing here, I told her soon after that).
    Now SHE understands and shares my view that people who have seen a therapist will never totally return to old behavior patterns, although the danger is great, but the awareness, once awakened, will be transformed forever and, hopefully, lead to more and more personal growth. But someone who has not gone that way simply does NOT understand any of that (or refuses to think about it).
    Because, for example, some people who I told about us being responsible for our feelings flatly refuse to take ownership of their reactions.

    So, to return to the Glossary, I found the hint in your most recent comments in “What to do when he/she leaves”. And I think it is great that you, although retired, are still active on your site. There, I also found your comment that “friendly demeanor” is something many readers would gladly welcome, and that this does not necessarily mean “no moving” at all. This is exactly my situation, which is also affected by the lack of appropriate communication due to the great distance.
    What I mean is that often experiences resemble each other in some respects and that reading contributions of readers seeking help and your comments are also a kind of “lecture” in your “college”.
    Kind regards and best wishes, Margaret.

    • Thanks so much for your sharing, Margaret. I feel fondly about the time I developed my Glossary and am glad you find it a useful reminder.

      As I learned that “words don’t have meanings/people have meaning and use words to try to share”, it became clear that when I spoke I used my meanings and when you spoke you used your’s. I wanted to remember that and decided to help people by sharing “my meanings and my definitions of my words.” Thus that Glossary.

      Over the years I’ve found it a nice place to drop a new word. I’ve certainly coined some new meanings and even some new words. I heard today that lots of Imago Therapists teach the word PreValidate to all their clients. Interesting.

      In response to your note, I moved the Glossary to the front page (top) of my website, and I added a new word, one I use often: stupid. It has nothing to do with you, of course, but was handing around in my mind a lot recently. It’s a positive term, as I use it. And gad I used to be pretty stupid.

      Thanks again.

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