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When to Fold ’Em? — 245 Comments

  1. Dear Al,
    I’ve been slowly reading your articles over the past few months, and I can’t begin to tell you how your wisdom has changed my life! Thank you for all you do to change relationships for the better. Even my relationship with my family has transformed because of all I’ve learned from your site!
    So, I am doing all the things I need to do to survive. My ex even commented that I seem to be doing “more than okay” when we met for coffee after I moved out. At that time, I suggested that we meet to talk about the issues that led to the breakup if he was willing. A few weeks later, he reached out and we met. I told him the reasons that I led to my “shutting down” in the relationship and he thanked me for meeting, though ended the conversation by saying all of this was “emotionally draining.” I agreed that condensing a few months of realizations into 30 minutes would be a lot to handle. When we parted, I left it open for him to reach out if he wanted to talk further and I told him I would understand if he would not. One thing I noticed was his closed body language compared to when we met for coffee (where he was warm and even gave me a lingering hug).
    Yesterday, about a month after that meeting about issues, he messaged wanting to “finalize” the details of our separation. Before we talked, I learned (on my own and really just by sheer dumb luck) that he has been speaking to, likely seeing, another woman, and it seemed to have started before our last meeting, which may explain the “coldness.”
    When we talked I did not feel that it would be appropriate to ask if he was seeing someone else, but after we figured out the final logistics, I told him that I am very sad that we have come to this point but I trust that we are doing what is right for us. This seemed to actually stir some anger in him as he threw something I said back to him in a mean way. All I did was say okay, and that I will miss him. The conversation did end amiably, but I was surprised at his outburst – though all people make sense all the same. 🙂
    Once the final details are wrapped up, do you think I should reach out to him, even though he has likely moved on with another person? I do feel in my heart that we are meant to be together, but I think I need to give him time and more space. If he is in a rebound relationship, I think it means that he is not allowing himself to fully process that we are no longer together. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated, as always.
    Thanks so much,

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