HomeMain PageRelationshipsSkillsAutonomyMASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay


MASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay — 20 Comments

  1. Very thorough article and I’m quite pleased by reading it. I’ve been fascinated by the relationship of Master and slave for years (Bdsm community) and just recently I decided to take it to the next level. I been educating myself for years by reading books, articles, people’s stories and so on, until I thought it was time to give it a go myself. I’m 23 years old and I got the opportunity to speak to an older man. He is so incredible and so intriguing, I often find myself craving his attention and affection (as a slave craves her Master’s attention and affection). It was very pleasant in the beginning, he would keep in touch with me throughout the entire day, train me, speak over the phone and so on. He did his very best taking into consideration it’s long distance and we haven’t met in person. As his slave I did my best at being a proper slave and I still am. He has always been busy, he has businesses to run, personal issues and many other things to deal with. Lately I feel like I’m being ignored and he is putting less than the bare minimum in the relationship. Every day I wake up saying today, you’re gonna do more, you’re gonna be a better slave than you were yesterday and I do my best to achieve that. I’ve brought it up a few times and let him know that I was feeling like he was being distant from me and he shut the idea down and keep barely speaking to me for the day. Any advice would be great with what I should do. Thank you so much.

    • Well Mariposa, I congratulate you on your courage. Wonderful and a bit scary to look at writings about theory and then go out and try things out in real life.

      Glad my paper was pleasing. I didn’t write it with D/s relationships in mind. But I’ve found it is solidly based enough to be of use to lots in that lifestyle.

      You may be finding some aspects of D/s that don’t work for you. All relationships are really difficult depending on how much you’ve learned about the principles and skills (from readings, your family of origin, and your experiences). and about yourself.

      My guess is that your Master isn’t as experienced as he likes to think. His tactics seem more about trying to control you than trying to teach.

      Or maybe you are discovering you aren’t ready for a D/s relationship.

      I suggest you reach out within that community and find some experienced mentor to chat with.

      Good luck. I’m here.

  2. I have a friend and i love him so much. i want to have a friend/friend relationship but he do the way that i have to look at him from down and he is upside. all i want is he like me too but i wanna know, if i accept master/slave relationship with him, will this happen or he’ll look at me like a slave forever without any kind of fondness. and i should say i have no problem with being slave of him. the only problem is i fear he don’t like me anymore. what can i do?

    • Hello “young Lover,” glad you came by my site. I believe the purpose of young relationships is “to work through underbrush” of being with another person, to try things out, so see what works and what doesn’t. Much of what is on my website are rules of relationships that people find. I am glad you are seeking. Wanting to have a Friend/Friend relationship with your partner seems natural and healthy. When you see him wanting you to be “slave” seems like one of those things that eventually doesn’t work. I think Master/Slave is built upon deception and in a long term relationship deception leads to trouble – lack of trust. I think it is also built around “submission” and that I’ve found is a time-bomb – building “resentment.”

      My guess is he wants to feel respected but has yet to learn about respect going both ways. Ah well. Keep a going and see what happens.

  3. I believe you haven’t addressed complimenting in your articles so I’m basically asking how to proceed with that.

    “You look great” sounds like a phony mastertalk to me, but “I think you look great” seems to lack the punch of a good compliment. I wonder if it’s just me.

    On behavior, I think “I like when you do the dishes” for example, is the wrong way of approaching since it has the flip side of the coin “I don’t like when you don’t do the dishes”, probably evoking the punishment system as the sentence seems fairly conditional.

    Thanks for your blog, I think it really helps a lot. I’m curious about your views on this.

    • Hello Yeh, That’s the best question this whole year! Of course it is just February 🙂 I have not written on this at all but certainly have been dealing with it here in our personal laboratory. Sandra and I chatted about it.

      I’m glad you posted in on the Master/Slave paper, too. It brings the risks of lack of boundaries and the wonderful issue of trans-personal skills. First a couple of principles:

      Judgement: I don’t think you can live life without judging all the time. You judge what you like and what you don’t. You judge how much you like or dislike something. Anyone who says they don’t judge I think is silly. Now, since I judge all the time, I can either share it or keep it a secret. I can either tell Aunt Martha that she smells bad (I’ve already judged that) or keep it (my judgement) a secret. The skills are in how you go about sharing. And, I my experience, a lot of people have been taught that “if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing.” So they politely lie, by saying nothing. A bit like a mine field. Well, we all deal with this.

      The reason I start with Judgement is that most attempts to Compliment involve sharing positive Judgments (with or without Master/Talk as you point out).

      Trans-personal: I define this as something one partner intends and the result is in the other person. I use this term several times throughout my thinking. For example: “Mirroring is whatever you do that as a result your partner feels heard.” “Validation is whatever you do that as a result your partner feels understood.” “MasterTalk is a language form with a high likelihood that listeners will feel threatened.”

      We think that complimenting someone is, thus “whatever you do that results in your partner feeling complimented.” This means that to be successful you need access to thinking and what kinds of things, when done, make them feel complimented.

      Tis a wonderful world of discover about your partner.

      Examples: Notice the shared judgments in these examples.

      You can sometimes use an extreme piece of MasterTalk, “Boy! is that stupid!” and the receiver may feel complimented, because you are trusting them that they can handle your bluntness.

      “I really like that dress. It looks very pretty on you.” This could imply the other dress looked ugly to me.

      “That’s good thinking.” A powerful judgement, probably unintentionally or at least unconsciously putting the speaker in the Master Position.

      You reduce the risk by inviting your partner to share whether they feel complimented or to tell you what kind of phrase you could say that would make them feel complimented. Nothing wrong with you intention, just want to make the delivery successful.

      Telling someone that you complimented them, when they don’t feel complimented, is a good way to eventually live alone 🙂

      What do you think, Yeh? Sound good?

      • I think the key seems to be in that you’ll have to completely throw away your sense when you’re interacting with someone else. I see that’s probably why so many of us are failing, because they are empathetic, validating and caring in their own terms and sense. Not their partners and they don’t probably feel validated or cared at all. I feel a bit frustrated when I think the solution is just “If your partner feels validated/complimented/cared about particular action, then you’re doing it right”. It’s so basic and yet it’s so easy to overlook.

        • It was for me a puzzle. First I found I was talking to get someone to hear and validate me – to get attention. Of course this doesn’t work for long in a relationship. Then I learned to toss myself aside and listen, prevalidate and validate them in their world. As I got better at doing that, I went through a jump in awareness and started to simultaneously prevalidate myself. That was the real starting place, for me, of adult boundaries – preserving their world AND mine. Twas a triumphant rejection of the more childlike preserving my sense OR their’s. Now it seems for me a wide set of skills I use that protects and connects everyone’s sense. “You can either be Right or in Relationship. Take your pick.

          Good luck.

  4. Pingback:MASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay | Al Turtle’s Relationship Wisdom | Psyberspace

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