HomeMain PageRelationshipsSkillsAutonomyMASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay


MASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay — 17 Comments

  1. I believe you haven’t addressed complimenting in your articles so I’m basically asking how to proceed with that.

    “You look great” sounds like a phony mastertalk to me, but “I think you look great” seems to lack the punch of a good compliment. I wonder if it’s just me.

    On behavior, I think “I like when you do the dishes” for example, is the wrong way of approaching since it has the flip side of the coin “I don’t like when you don’t do the dishes”, probably evoking the punishment system as the sentence seems fairly conditional.

    Thanks for your blog, I think it really helps a lot. I’m curious about your views on this.

    • Hello Yeh, That’s the best question this whole year! Of course it is just February 🙂 I have not written on this at all but certainly have been dealing with it here in our personal laboratory. Sandra and I chatted about it.

      I’m glad you posted in on the Master/Slave paper, too. It brings the risks of lack of boundaries and the wonderful issue of trans-personal skills. First a couple of principles:

      Judgement: I don’t think you can live life without judging all the time. You judge what you like and what you don’t. You judge how much you like or dislike something. Anyone who says they don’t judge I think is silly. Now, since I judge all the time, I can either share it or keep it a secret. I can either tell Aunt Martha that she smells bad (I’ve already judged that) or keep it (my judgement) a secret. The skills are in how you go about sharing. And, I my experience, a lot of people have been taught that “if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing.” So they politely lie, by saying nothing. A bit like a mine field. Well, we all deal with this.

      The reason I start with Judgement is that most attempts to Compliment involve sharing positive Judgments (with or without Master/Talk as you point out).

      Trans-personal: I define this as something one partner intends and the result is in the other person. I use this term several times throughout my thinking. For example: “Mirroring is whatever you do that as a result your partner feels heard.” “Validation is whatever you do that as a result your partner feels understood.” “MasterTalk is a language form with a high likelihood that listeners will feel threatened.”

      We think that complimenting someone is, thus “whatever you do that results in your partner feeling complimented.” This means that to be successful you need access to thinking and what kinds of things, when done, make them feel complimented.

      Tis a wonderful world of discover about your partner.

      Examples: Notice the shared judgments in these examples.

      You can sometimes use an extreme piece of MasterTalk, “Boy! is that stupid!” and the receiver may feel complimented, because you are trusting them that they can handle your bluntness.

      “I really like that dress. It looks very pretty on you.” This could imply the other dress looked ugly to me.

      “That’s good thinking.” A powerful judgement, probably unintentionally or at least unconsciously putting the speaker in the Master Position.

      You reduce the risk by inviting your partner to share whether they feel complimented or to tell you what kind of phrase you could say that would make them feel complimented. Nothing wrong with you intention, just want to make the delivery successful.

      Telling someone that you complimented them, when they don’t feel complimented, is a good way to eventually live alone 🙂

      What do you think, Yeh? Sound good?

      • I think the key seems to be in that you’ll have to completely throw away your sense when you’re interacting with someone else. I see that’s probably why so many of us are failing, because they are empathetic, validating and caring in their own terms and sense. Not their partners and they don’t probably feel validated or cared at all. I feel a bit frustrated when I think the solution is just “If your partner feels validated/complimented/cared about particular action, then you’re doing it right”. It’s so basic and yet it’s so easy to overlook.

        • It was for me a puzzle. First I found I was talking to get someone to hear and validate me – to get attention. Of course this doesn’t work for long in a relationship. Then I learned to toss myself aside and listen, prevalidate and validate them in their world. As I got better at doing that, I went through a jump in awareness and started to simultaneously prevalidate myself. That was the real starting place, for me, of adult boundaries – preserving their world AND mine. Twas a triumphant rejection of the more childlike preserving my sense OR their’s. Now it seems for me a wide set of skills I use that protects and connects everyone’s sense. “You can either be Right or in Relationship. Take your pick.

          Good luck.

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  3. Man, I THINK you are a genius. (That is a friend to friend comment!) I am 24 years old. Reading the articles on your site has made me into a new person! Finally, I feel like I can communicate with people!

    • Damn, I wish I’d had some source of this information when I was 24!  Well, Young, I expect great things from you.  

      Since you’ve grasped the Master-Slave to Friend-Friend divide, you may enjoy applying it to the current struggles in our country between the “Master-Slave Culture” and the “Friend-Friend Culture.”   Doesn’t seems to divide between political parties, or news media sources, etc.  But I love watching the slow movement of dialogical relating taking over MasterTalk. 

      Anyway,  good to hear from you. 

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