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Tag Archives: passivity

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Which Essays are Popular? (Updated April 1, 2019)

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on April 1, 2019 by Al TurtleApril 2, 2019 7

A bend in the trail of life, and on the way up to Scenic Point, Two Medicine, Glacier Park, Montana. "Heading up, at times you gotta switch directions."

Hello Friends,

It’s spring, 2019.  I am mostly retired, have hit 77, and yet still I am playing “WHAT ARE THEY READING?”  After seeing over 3000 couples and instead of writing a book, I decided to make my “ working notes” available via Internet.  And instead of marketing, I have used word-of-mouth or touch-of-keyboard to spread awareness.  I have posted 190 articles in over eight years since March 2005.  In the past seven years since June of 2012, when I moved my site to WordPress, they’ve been downloaded 1,110,597  times.  Gee!

Top Reads

The top read articles seem to be becoming a fairly steady set. At the “top” are now two articles.  One is that article on What to do when he/she leaves.  I imagine that in the last year 7,711 hurting people came here, while their partners, 7,711 also hurting people, were elsewhere.  But a new article has reached beyond it, What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.  Seems to me that people, 12,887, are beginning to be more accurate and sensitive to what is going wrong.    Thanks to all of  you. 

Summary Thoughts

While I’ve been sharing and watching what people do with my writings I have come to certain simple conclusions.

  • He/she leaves you cuz the relationship you have with them “sucks” – for them.  And it has probably been “sucky” for some time.  If it takes someone leaving to get your attention, so be it.  Get to work and learn quickly.  Fix it.
  • Do not rush your partner.  Do not let your partner rush you.  Develop a pace in talking and doing that is easy for both of you. Make sure you develop easy skills of being together and being apart.
  • The partner who seems to drag their feet is the one who sets the pace of growth in the relationship.  You two can’t move faster than the slower one’s pace.  But you absolutely also need the pressure and impatience of the faster one, to keep things moving.  Both are important. 
  • If you don’t learn how a) to PreValidate and Validate, b) remove MasterTalk,  and c) learn the verbal sharing skills taught quickly by Mirroring then you are probably “screwed”.
  • Use skills that build safety and get rid of all habits that threaten each other.
  • Express feelings often and always safely.
  • Take turns being appropriately selfish.
  • Learn to like your views/beliefs and make plenty of room for others to disagree.

Of Interest

Stuff I do.  There is a series of interviews by Laura LaVigne, eight 1-hour visits with me, all downloadable in MP3.  I’ve taught several classes for her during the last few years, and put all my colorful handouts here.  Sprinkled throughout are other MP3 downloadable audio files that you can buy, drop onto your IPod/Ipad or a CD and listen in your car.  Also you can find me on Facebook.   I do consult with people by phone.

IMG_5688a

 

Discussion Website

I have spent much time online in one of the many communities that have sprung up to share thoughts and struggles about relationships.  I congratulate them all, but have found a current home at Marriage Advocates.  If you want to see many new comments of mine on familiar topics, check them out.  Also, I encourage those of you, who are really grasping what I write, to consider sharing what you have learned and to work with others.


Ranking of Articles

The following is the ranking of my top articles, with links, in the last three months thru April 1st, 2019.  Thanks to all of you for reading, learning something, for sharing it with others, and for referring people here.  I hope what I have shared is helpful to you. If it has been, you might let me know.  If you want me to focus new writing on some area, please let me know.  I have a list. Also I may use your priorities to re-write or expand some of my more popular articles. Drop me an email at al@alturtle.com.

Last three months. 

Count Page Reads
1 What to do when he/she won’t talk to you. 2,287
2 What to do when He/She Leaves? 989
3 Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part One 657
4 Reliable Membership: The Essay 381
5 Feeling Words 367
6 Safety and The Lizard: The Essay 289
7 Map of Relationships: listen to or read the whole story 252
8 Boundaries for Individuals: The Essay 229
9 When to Fold ’Em? 219
10 MASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay 170
11 Where do you start? What goes first? 168
12 An Interview Series 165
13 Resentments: Getting Rid of Them 164
14 Using Al Turtle Logic on Relationship Troubles 153
15 The Power of Passivity: The Essay 152
16 Getting an Answer: When He/She Won’t Make a Decision 150
17 Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Four, Appropriate Expression 134
18 Welcome 133
19 The Road to Empathy: The Essay 130
20 Diversity and PreValidation: The Essay 129
21 One Liners that have helped me stay Dialogical 126
22 Which Essays are Popular? (Updated April 8, 2018) 120
23 “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves” 119
24 Vintage Love: What does it look like? 115
25 Boundaries for Couples: The Essay 112
26 It is Not Fair! The Testicle Principle 110
27 “Tortoise Trainer” by Osman Hamdi Bei 108
28 Caring Days: The Skill 107
29 Behavior Change Requests (BCRs) 100
30 Where are you? What type of Relationship do you Have? Right now! 95
31 How to Use this Website 95
32 Why to Learn Validation? 93
33 Healing Frustrations: The Essay 89
34 Peace Building: The Essay 80
35 Validation: The Skill and the Art 76
36 About Us 74
37 Mirroring: The Skill 74
38 Getting to Work 72
39 Noticing the Lizard in yourself and others. 66
40 The Problem with Expectations 66
41 The Biological Dream: An Excerpt 65
42 To be Safe You Must Share 64
43 Making Amends 63
44 Relationship Posters for the Wall 61
45 How to Chat with Al 60
46 The Gentle Art of Pulling 59
47 Using the Lizard Image 58
48 Guilt, Fault, and Who is to Blame 57
49 Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Two (FEAR, ANGER, GRIEF, JOY) 56
50 Find Mr. Right or Ms. Right 53

 

Getting to Work

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on June 20, 2012 by Al TurtleApril 10, 2020 13

Work, Work!  In this article I want to share my view of the process of how to get a great relationship from the very widest perspective. I suggest that you read my paper on the Map of Relationship first, to prepare to  grasp this view.

 

Continue reading →
Posted in Diversity, Main Page, Map of Relationships, Reliable Membership | Tagged boundary, choice point, dialogue, fault, feelings, make sense, master-slave, passivity, peace, point of view, pulling, safety, share, trust, university of life, validation | 13 Replies

Often Read Articles – Archive

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on April 5, 2012 by AlJanuary 22, 2019  

In the meantime, here are some links to my more popular articles (in PDF format). What to do when he/she leaves Removing Resentments Power: Master/Slave, Power of Passivity, Passivity in the Foundations: Three Essays Boundaries for Individual: The Essay  Diversity: … Continue reading →

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Peace Making: AV Class

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on June 2, 2010 by Al TurtleJune 26, 2012 2

Here is the class I use to distinguish between the communication habits the lead to strive, struggle and distress and those that lead to peaceful coexistence.

Continue reading →
Posted in Peace Building | Tagged dialogue, passivity, peace | 2 Replies

Using Al Turtle Logic on Relationship Troubles

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on June 1, 2010 by Al TurtleNovember 22, 2019 17

How to approach relationship challenges? Tis all about applying knowledge of the Biological Dream and learning those skills. Tis all about knowing where you currently are on the Map of Relationships. Here are some examples.

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Posted in Diversity, Main Page, Map of Relationships, Reliable Membership | Tagged affair, boundary, choice point, dialogue, fault, feelings, make sense, master-slave, mastertalk, mirroring, narcisism, passivity, safety, share, trust, university of life, validation | 17 Replies

An Interview Series

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on March 17, 2010 by Al TurtleJune 16, 2019 7

Tis done. Here are 8 hours of chatting about my work. Laura is a very helpful interviewer and producer. Check out other work she does. This article has the links to MP3 files of all sessions. Download and enjoy.

Continue reading →
Posted in Main Page, Map of Relationships, Podcasts | Tagged boundary, mirroring, passivity, safety, trust | 7 Replies

The Other Feelings

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on February 10, 2010 by Al TurtleOctober 23, 2014 2

For years I have been teaching and “thinking” about Feelings. I have been teaching what I call , the Four Prime Feelings for years: Fear, Anger, Sorrow, and Joy. But more and more I have become aware of a set of feelings that are very important and which are not usually called emotions. I think they are.

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Posted in Feelings and Emotions, Reliable Membership | Tagged dialogue, feelings, make sense, mirroring, need for connection, passivity, pulling, safety, share, trust, validation | 2 Replies

“Your Stuff is Never My Fault”

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on February 10, 2010 by Al TurtleNovember 22, 2019 2

When someone says, “I’m hurt” or “That upsets me,” or “I'm anxious,” what is a useful response? I find this is a central problem in the common co-dependency I see. Here are some ideas and links to deeper understanding.

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Posted in Boundaries, Main Page | Tagged boundary, dialogue, fault, feelings, mirroring, passivity, share | 2 Replies

Passivity: In the foundations

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on May 4, 2008 by Al TurtleAugust 20, 2019 13

If you have been following my work through Part One: Master/Slave and Part Two: Power of Passivity, then this may be your next stop. I decided to share my path down a bit deeper into the basement. Be warned! The steps down here may be tippy.

Continue reading →
Posted in Autonomy, Reliable Membership | Tagged codependency, codependent, dialogue, feelings, master-slave, mastertalk, passivity, safety, share, trust | 13 Replies

“MasterTalk”: Recognizing it gets even simpler

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom Posted on February 18, 2008 by Al TurtleFebruary 18, 2008  

Recognizing MasterTalk, avoiding it, reframing it gets simpler.

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Posted in Autonomy | Tagged dialogue, feelings, master-slave, mastertalk, mirroring, passivity, share | Leave a reply

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