A simple look at ways of getting people to do what you want and like you. "What can you do to make them inclined to do what you want. What are you doing that makes them not inclined to do what you want."
Continue reading →This paper is an excerpt from my essay on SAFETY, The Lizard. It describes tactics for “making your partner feel safe.”
Continue reading →This article is the result of 10 years of practice by my wife and I. It is a step by step structured process that will eventually both remove all critical frustrations from a relationship but will also build confidence and skills in dealing with new frustrations when they arise.
Continue reading →"Pulling" is a critical component of making good communication work smoothly. It stops the habit of interruption. It promotes full sharing of points and it enables people getting to ?the bottom of things? ? quality understanding. It is the necessary fourth step of the Mirroring teaching tool, but it is a skill all its own. Here's my brief definition of a pull. A brief verbal or non-verbal invitation by receiver to the sender to keep talking on the subject at hand only. This gesture ends the ?insult of interruption.?
Continue reading →This is a letter I wrote to the Peace Project concerning my group's self-defined standards of Communologue.
Continue reading →Probably no question has been put to me so often these days as to what I mean by the phrase “Make Sense.” The Diversity Principle: “All people make sense all the time,” is for me one of the most useful tools I've come up with. It allows me to connect with people who are doing things that I don?t at first understand or like. It allows me to continue to more and more fully understand myself. It is a keystone tool in helping people build self-esteem. And it is a tool that stands up clearly, setting me against what I call “the pathology of our culture.”
Continue reading →I built this table several years ago as a handout to help couples determine which tools to use when things were going awry. Years ago when I was working as (pretending to be) a carpenter, an old guy said, "Al, first things first. Always use the right tool. Saves time and effort." Well, depending on what is happening in a relationship, there are different tools. Here's the range.
Continue reading →This is so common. Oh, I feel sorry for everyone involved. I think I have seen this situation 6 times this month. A person calls in, ?their whole life has changed?, ?their dreams are shattered?, and ?they don?t know what to do.? Their partner of 5 years, 14 years, 33 years, has announced they are leaving, or they have packed up and gone, or they have found someone new and now want to cut the ties with their ?older? partner. The person calling feels surprised, betrayed and hurt. What to do?
Continue reading →Last week, a new couple came to me after 21 years of marriage, 21 years of arguing, and four attempts to find help from Marriage TherapistS. As I started to work with them, I found once more that they have not heard about Master/Slave nor about Differentiation – critical skills for living together. And apparently the therapists that they had seen didn't know these skills either.
Continue reading →When I don't have much time with an audience, I often share this brief version of a Map of Relationships. I can give this in about 10 minutes and still point people in the "right" direction.
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