So many times I've heard the phrase, "he/she did that out of the blue." I love the phrase. It seems so colorful. And also many people write me, and read my thoughts, about what to do when he/she leaves. Put these two issues together and I give you this article.
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The first most important skill in any relationship is about how to create a tone of safety – how to reliably lower each other's blood pressure. This paper is the background.
The Goal Of Communication in Relationships is that both persons feel understood frequently, and always when the subject is important to one or the other.
(I wrote this some years ago. See how all the ideas on my website are worked into it.)
Here's a letter by another clinger (Bless her and all the clingers out there), about learning from my website and applying what she has learned. Wow, working on yourself can be really eventful!
Continue reading →I have been asked recently by people who are reading my papers on boundaries how to decide if something is mine or my partner's or what?? I was writing a response, and decided I'd better post it for everyone.
Continue reading →This is the last part of my essay on Feelings and Emotions. I am going to be speaking about “expression.” Now, lack of emotional expression, I believe, causes huge confusion in relationships and and will shorten your life. But, incorrect expression causes lots and lots of trouble, too. My goal is to focus on what I call “Appropriate Expression.” Many groups and cultures have strong rules about the “correct” way to express or hold in emotions. What I am going to write may seem to go against many of those rules – may seem critical of them. I do not choose to set myself up in that judgmental position. I simply want to share what I have learned.
This is my response to a great set of questions posted on my article on the Problem with Expectations. But it covers so much territory, I decided to repond with an article. My thanks to the Poster.
Continue reading →Notes on my seminar about Validation. I share what I have learned, how, and what I have come to believe validation is.
Continue reading →I think that “Being Dialogical” is the inverse of being Emotionally Symbiotic. If we keep an ear out for MasterTalk, and remove it, we can easily and durably stay in a Dialogical space.
Continue reading →This is a paper about the problem of "victimicity." It is Part 2 of my work on Master/Slave and Autonomy. You may want to read it with some caution, particularly because, based on feedback, this seems to be almost "graduate level" relationship material. It seems you really must be prepared to read it. Please be patient with me, and with yourselves. More material was added 7/5/07. I am sure there will still be minor changes and additions – and one last bit.