Dear Turtle, (May 8th, 2005)
"Dear Turtle, My question is – how possible is it to change one's response to fear – say from FIGHT to FLEE?"
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Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Two (FEAR, ANGER, GRIEF, JOY)
Now, I want to address the four prime emotions of fear, anger, grief and joy. Why only four? Well, these are the ones that give most people lots of trouble, both in having them, dealing with them and communicating about them. I will address one at a time, starting with FEAR.
No one can make anyone do anything.
Everything we do is the result of our thinking, our feelings, our habits. Our actions are not "caused" by others. I think this is a very valuable concept and nicely replaces several myths that most people seem to hold.
Continue reading →About the Safety Presentation – “The Lizard”
This is actually a fairly old presentation. Sandra and I found it so valuable for ourselves that we have been giving to all couples for many years. We decided that “making friends” with our internal safety mechanism was a very useful idea. Sandra was the one who first called this reptilian brain function, the Lizard.
Continue reading →Problem Solving for Couples: The Essay
Everyone has problems. Problems are situations that cause you distress – frustration. I think a problem is avoided when you do not experience the situation any more. I believe a problem is solved when the situation occurs, and you no longer get upset or frustrated. A couple will have between them almost twice as many problems as an individual. I guess you might as well learn how to solve problems. Get going.
Did Dialogue Occur?
This is a way of scoring to see if you were experiencing dialogue or just normal chaotic conversation.
Continue reading →Boundaries for Individuals: The Essay
This is my paper on Boundaries for Individuals. This is everything I think a person needs to know about setting up and maintaining their differences when someone else is around. It contains all my thinking on personal boundaries. Enjoy.
MASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay
Summary: This paper covers the two ways that people can come together and share (or not) their different views of reality. Relating via Master/Slave is only functional in certain situations: where efficiency is needed as in business, where property ownership is involved, in emergencies. Relating via Friend/Friend is normal during courtship. Master/Slave, commonly used in intimate relationships or families, is dysfunctional. Learn the critical skills of Friend/Friend to end argument and prevent fighting. This is the first of three parts on Autonomy.
Resentments: Getting Rid of Them
This paper discusses the issue of Resentment that from time to time becomes an important issue in couples or between groups of people. It includes suggestions on how to remove the resentment. I believe this cannot be done, passively, by waiting. Resentment does not seem to go away by letting time pass. I believe resentment only goes away via the use of validation, and dialogue.
Story: Setting the Cat Down
This is a story about the lessons of speaking up too fast. I call it “What to do if you interrupt someone?”
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