HomeMain PageRelationshipsSkillsBoundariesDear Turtle, (May 8th, 2005)


Dear Turtle, (May 8th, 2005) — 6 Comments

  1. Thank you for your response. Unfortunately I don't have the funds to be able to sign up for chat. I did print that poster, thanks and I read most of your site. I have already started the "W hat to do when he leaves". I have also asked him to be honest with me because if it's over we need to sell our house. No response. I am totally at a loss and some people tell me to let him go and others say, hold on girl.. He will be back. Everything on all aspects of my life is falling apart and not sure I can handle it for much longer, being strong and positive that is.. thanks again for listening.

    • Asking someone to be honest never seemed to work for me.  Finding out and eliminating what I was doing that encouraged my partner to either lie to me or be silent — now that worked!

      When all is falling apart, that's a good time to not worry about others and take care of No.1, even if that means getting help for you.  I really understand about the $$ issue, but I wonder what've you been up to that let you own finances get in such a place.  Sometimes when things get awful, the only way we can get help is to pay for it.   

      Take care and breathe. 

      • Unfortunately it is called self employment and when there are 20 plus pages on Craigslist of people that are not licensed, insured and don't pay taxes in the same city and charge less than half of what I am able to charge… I can't compete, it is hard to survive in this economy. Maybe you can't relate.  I am unable to pay for health insurance as well. I break something, I can no longer do my business. just the way it is. There are people that struggle at every turn in life and I am proud that given my past I was able to overcome and become a business for over 12 years and build a house in San Diego; that's a great accomplishment . Hit another bump, well several to be exact and I reached out for help. Sorry

        • I can easily relate.  I'm not in that kind of position now, but have been.  And I meet lots of people who are.  Very sad, tough and challenging.  Kind of like a bad storm at sea in a very small rowboat.  Not a good time to have trouble in a relationship as well.  Or vice versa, if one has relationship trouble, don't challenge your work income situation.   Sounds like you have both and in plenty.  Do what you are gonna do, which is your best.

          One thing I learned, through a lot of pain and cost, was that I have limits which I cannot (cannot) exceed.  I'll end up hospitalized.  So I've learned to monitor how hard life is, how many waves are coming at me in a day.  If the number is getting anywhere close to 75% of my limit, I cut back – radically.  I was trained to ignore my limits, my capacities.  I was super-man! Well, I learned, through painful experience,  to give up that bullshit.  Twas a thoroughly good thing to do.
          What helped me, back in 1968, was a bit in a book called Games People Play.  Twas about the game, Nervous Breakdown.  It pointed out that right before people have nervous breakdowns, they rapidly increase the number of commitments they are making to an intolerable level.   I had never thought about commitments as something that drained me nor as something I was allowed to reject or remove.  I wasn't a very good self-caretaker.  I developed a two step belief system to preserve me.  a) I am not obliged,  b) I am responsible for me – can't help others if I am not sufficiently taking care of ME. 
          Hang in there. 
  2. Oh my, I read this and started crying- this is so familiar even down to the saving mother- fight, clingy and abandonment issues and my BF is a freeze- flee kind of guy. 
    I was guided to your website from a relationship forum. Here is my post http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=423257 and I really need some insight and guidance. At the moment my world is upside down and I am struggling to pull out of it. My business is failing due to the economy (self-employed 12 yrs) and my BF moved out of our newly built house 2 weeks ago and is not communicating very well with me.
    I am trying to work on my issues by joining meditations classes etc. I am giving my BF space but am not sure if he is playing mind games or really saying it's over. I want to work on myself and work on us as a team but don't know how to get him on board. I believe that we end up in the same relationships over and over again so it's best to work harder to save the one that's worth the work. I want to turn our 7+ year relationship into a life long partnership.  Please help. Thanks

    • Sounds awful… but then the “awakening stage” in a Power Struggle always seems really awful.  Glad you found Enotalone and my website. Lots of help there and lots of ideas here. I built this website for people in your situation.  

      Glad you are doing Meditation.  Gotta “breathe” while this is going on.  Next step is to do nothing irretreivable or profoundly dumb.  Next step is to learn all about relationships as fast as you can using the last 7+ years of your life, as well as perhaps your parent’s experiences, as reference material.  

      Goal: Find the stupid stuff you’ve been doing and replace it with good stuff.  Keep the good stuff.  http://www.alturtle.com/Posters/replacedumbstuff.pdf  Put this sign up on your wall.  I have a lot of useful Posters.

      We can always chat. 

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