When someone says, “I’m hurt” or “That upsets me,” or “I'm anxious,” what is a useful response? I find this is a central problem in the common co-dependency I see. Here are some ideas and links to deeper understanding.
Continue reading →So I get to chat about the current spate of violence in the US and my thougths about its origins and its current manipulation in the media. If you are looking for solutions, I will have to think some more.
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The first most important skill in any relationship is about how to create a tone of safety – how to reliably lower each other's blood pressure. This paper is the background.
I believe that everyone needs a three-drawer tool box. Each drawer represents different tools or skills needed in life.
Continue reading →“So, why are you voting for Obama,” I get asked this a lot. It has come up for several months, since I decided to share my preference in this fall’s election. These are my thoughts. They belong to me and yours should differ. If you don't like politics, skip this altogether.
Continue reading →The Goal Of Communication in Relationships is that both persons feel understood frequently, and always when the subject is important to one or the other.
(I wrote this some years ago. See how all the ideas on my website are worked into it.)
This is the story of a woman who believes her partner is leaving, and doesn't want him to. She kinda followed him across the country, but managed to keep learning the lesson, “Work on your self, visibly.” She's good, but learning is not easy! (Names have been changed)
Continue reading →This is the last part of my essay on Feelings and Emotions. I am going to be speaking about “expression.” Now, lack of emotional expression, I believe, causes huge confusion in relationships and and will shorten your life. But, incorrect expression causes lots and lots of trouble, too. My goal is to focus on what I call “Appropriate Expression.” Many groups and cultures have strong rules about the “correct” way to express or hold in emotions. What I am going to write may seem to go against many of those rules – may seem critical of them. I do not choose to set myself up in that judgmental position. I simply want to share what I have learned.
My gosh, people get this simple issue so confused. It isn’t all that difficult. Here’s my poster on it.
In …
Continue reading →This is a paper about the problem of "victimicity." It is Part 2 of my work on Master/Slave and Autonomy. You may want to read it with some caution, particularly because, based on feedback, this seems to be almost "graduate level" relationship material. It seems you really must be prepared to read it. Please be patient with me, and with yourselves. More material was added 7/5/07. I am sure there will still be minor changes and additions – and one last bit.