Here is the Master/Slave Lecture AudioFile. FREE DOWNLOAD The Master/Slave chart is here. The Master/Slave Essay is here.Continue reading →
Summary: This paper covers the two ways that people can come together and share (or not) their different views of reality. Relating via Master/Slave is only functional in certain situations: where efficiency is needed as in business, where property ownership is involved, in emergencies. Relating via Friend/Friend is normal during courtship. Master/Slave, commonly used in intimate relationships or families, is dysfunctional. Learn the critical skills of Friend/Friend to end argument and prevent fighting. This is the first of three parts on Autonomy.Continue reading →
The chart that goes with the Master/Slave paper.Continue reading →
I hope you are looking for love, a great relationship for yourself, and maybe eventually a durable marriage, or even just the skills to get along well with anyone, and ways to make the world a better place. If you have, I’ve got lots of ideas to share with you. This page is one of the hubs from which to start your studies. There are several hundred articles on this site, and they ARE organized. But people who come here are not so organized. They often want just one answer to one question. Well, some sample questions are below. Some answers are in a fun article called Using My Logic. You can search for words or phrases in your question. Google and other Search Engines seem to like me. So try a search for “Al Turtle frustration” or “Al Turtle relationship” (your word or phrase) and see what happens. Or maybe you want to have my view of Where to Start. In any case, click on How to Use this Website to see the general structure and to start finding your way around. Here are some specific topics:
- What to do when he/she leaves you?
- What to do when he/she won’t talk?
- What to do when he/she won’t make a decision?
- Help! What’s going on with Marriage? Here’s a Map.
- Where to Start in making a better relationship?
- And you’ll need this: PreValidation.
- How to get rid of resentments?
- Clinging or Avoiding? What to do.
- How to get him/her to do what you want?
- Stop the arguing. But what then? (Master/Slave)
- Whose fault is it, anyway? Who is to Blame?
- Did he/she do something “out of the blue?”
- Secrets! How much should you share?
- FAQ – The most asked questions and solutions.
- Having a Bad Day! What to do?
- What is Empathy? You’ll need it.
- What is all this about being “victim?”
- Finding Mr. or Ms. Right
- Building and Rebuilding Trust? And Safety?
- Boundary Skills?
- Boundaries in a Relationship?
- How to Use this Website?
- Hey! Get to Work!
- When to Give Up?
It’s spring, 2019. I am mostly retired, have hit 77, and yet still I am playing “WHAT ARE THEY READING?” After seeing over 3000 couples and instead of writing a book, I decided to make my “ working notes” available via Internet. And instead of marketing, I have used word-of-mouth or touch-of-keyboard to spread awareness. I have posted 190 articles in over eight years since March 2005. In the past seven years since June of 2012, when I moved my site to WordPress, they’ve been downloaded 1,110,597 times. Gee!
The top read articles seem to be becoming a fairly steady set. At the “top” are now two articles. One is that article on What to do when he/she leaves. I imagine that in the last year 7,711 hurting people came here, while their partners, 7,711 also hurting people, were elsewhere. But a new article has reached beyond it, What to do when he/she won’t talk to you. Seems to me that people, 12,887, are beginning to be more accurate and sensitive to what is going wrong. Thanks to all of you.
While I’ve been sharing and watching what people do with my writings I have come to certain simple conclusions.
He/she leaves you cuz the relationship you have with them “sucks” – for them. And it has probably been “sucky” for some time. If it takes someone leaving to get your attention, so be it. Get to work and learn quickly. Fix it.
Do not rush your partner. Do not let your partner rush you. Develop a pace in talking and doing that is easy for both of you. Make sure you develop easy skills of being together and being apart.
- The partner who seems to drag their feet is the one who sets the pace of growth in the relationship. You two can’t move faster than the slower one’s pace. But you absolutely also need the pressure and impatience of the faster one, to keep things moving. Both are important.
If you don’t learn how a) to PreValidate and Validate, b) remove MasterTalk, and c) learn the verbal sharing skills taught quickly by Mirroring then you are probably “screwed”.
Use skills that build safety and get rid of all habits that threaten each other.
Express feelings often and always safely.
Take turns being appropriately selfish.
Learn to like your views/beliefs and make plenty of room for others to disagree.
Stuff I do. There is a series of interviews by Laura LaVigne, eight 1-hour visits with me, all downloadable in MP3. I’ve taught several classes for her during the last few years, and put all my colorful handouts here. Sprinkled throughout are other MP3 downloadable audio files that you can buy, drop onto your IPod/Ipad or a CD and listen in your car. Also you can find me on Facebook. I do consult with people by phone.
I have spent much time online in one of the many communities that have sprung up to share thoughts and struggles about relationships. I congratulate them all, but have found a current home at Marriage Advocates. If you want to see many new comments of mine on familiar topics, check them out. Also, I encourage those of you, who are really grasping what I write, to consider sharing what you have learned and to work with others.
Ranking of Articles
The following is the ranking of my top articles, with links, in the last three months thru April 1st, 2019. Thanks to all of you for reading, learning something, for sharing it with others, and for referring people here. I hope what I have shared is helpful to you. If it has been, you might let me know. If you want me to focus new writing on some area, please let me know. I have a list. Also I may use your priorities to re-write or expand some of my more popular articles. Drop me an email at email@example.com.
Last three months.
I often get asked this, and fortunately for me the answer is clear. But let's state the question more clearly. If I am in a couple, a relationship, what do I/we focus on first, second, third, etc. to make things better. Ok, here we go. The answer arises from two different major principles: the Anna Karenina Principle and the Biological Dream.Continue reading →
When two people come together, they have a choice: to move toward Peace or to move toward War. The choices and the actions/habits that go with them are clear when one studies couples who are successful at bringing lasting Peace and those who are not. (Sadly, most people I meet chose war!) What do you chose? Here's my essay on this situation.Continue reading →
How about it? Want to learn to be empathic? Want to know when you aren't? Want to improve? I believe that more and more people will be talking about the “need for more empathy.” I believe that the primary cause of conflict in our families, our partnerships, our business, our marriages, our political communities, our churches, and in the world, is a pronounced lack of reliable empathic skills.Continue reading →
In the meantime, here are some links to my more popular articles (in PDF format). What to do when he/she leaves Removing Resentments Power: Master/Slave, Power of Passivity, Passivity in the Foundations: Three Essays Boundaries for Individual: The Essay Diversity: … Continue reading →