What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Dear Ben,
Well, yes and no.
Yes, it sounds as if you have a relationship to work on and are in the middle of the learning part. I see that as good. I see relationships as a contact sport which you cannot get good at without being in them.
No, in that I am not sure how far you are getting along in the process. Your story comes across to me like a very normal "bright, stubborn, young, couple in the early middle of the Power Struggle."
A couple of things struck me that might be useful to you as you go about learning your lessons.
In the process of "paraphrasing" I think you left out 95% of the story. The most obvious omission is that you write all about "your impressions of her behavior" and don't mention your behavior, feelings, etc. The next is that you seem to omit her side of this story. (For depth on this topic check out Points of View.) Also I get the impression that you prefer your interpretations of her behavior to understanding her behavior. I would suggest you focus on learning that All People Make Sense All the Time, and the skills of Validation. (I would love her version of these events.)
Another starting place might be my phrase, "You can either be Right or in Relationship. Take your Pick." What triggered me to thinking about this was your early phrase about differing political beliefs. From my point of view, the current battle in U.S. politics is not about liberal or conservative, but is about the youthful idea of "being right." I think it is all about how to tear apart a relationship/country not build it.
My guess is that your going to have to replace "confidence in beliefs" with "competence in being empathic."
Good luck.
Al,
I really appreciate the advice and the response. I think you are right about my situation and my interpretation of her behavior perhaps being a bit biased. Unfortunately that's all I have to go on at the moment. I think you are also right about the issue of differing political beliefs being more about who's right and who's wrong–were both very stubborn. I also admit my fault towards the relationship's shortcomings. I began to act very insecure, selfish even, and quasi-controlling. After a week of separation is was very obvious to see how I had changed. I told her that and she seemed genuinely interested in my "revelation."
In any case, we are meeting each other this week to just "get together" and throw darts and hang out for a little bit. I didnt have to beg her, I just told her I would be in town and it would be nice to meet up. She's actually driving 2 hours to see me, so that must be a good sign right? I'm excited to see her and plan to keep it really relaxed, just try to reignite the spark. Thanks for everything.
Well, that all sounds to the good. And I wish you well. By the way, how old are the two of you. I was thinking that if you want to make a relationship AND include political discussions, then you may want to learn super-adequate communication skills. Get rid of MasterTalk. Good luck.
We are both 22 and about to start grad school, dated for shy of 1 year before breaking up beginning of June. The article on Master Talk was very insightful by the way, it brought back a lot of conversations we used to have…I have been doing a lot of reflecting and research on relationships this month and I genuninely believe I have improved or, at least, know the correct steps to take in the future. I am willing to accept my mistakes for the relationship and pledge to improve them. My fear, however, is that she has not taken the time to reflect and is only coming to see me because she is lonely…or is expecting me to beg her. I really want her back, but I simply do not want to return to a relationship like we used to have. I felt like her babysitter, honestly…having to wake her up in time for class, sitting with her so she would do homework, cooking for her…I didnt mind taking care of her because I love her…but it got to be too much at the end. Really conflicted and just hoping that this meeting will grant me some clarity.
Thanks again for the ear and the advice,
Ben
How does a 70 year old (me) really share with a 22 year old (you) how much time you have in your life and how much learning is probably ahead of you?! Don’t rush. Much of the stuff on my website took years and years to learn. If you like the Master Talk stuff, you might enjoy the serious series on Power in relationships: Master/Slave, Power of Passivity, Passivity in the Foundations. Has to do with all those decisions about “waking her up in time for class,” the itch to act irresponsible, the foolish joy of fixing other people’s problems. (Gad, I wish someone had shared this sort of thing with me when I was 22 and shipping off to WestPac, Vietnam, in the Navy). Again, good luck.
Al,
Girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago. she said the reason was because I had one set of political beliefs and she had another…but this didnt bother her for a year until recently. I suspect, however, that the real reason was that she didnt get into the grad school she wanted and all of her friends are moving away to other schools etc…she and I will both be a the same school. she feels left behind and not in control. she began to act really petty about small victories her friends would have and really jealous about everyone else…she was just never in a good mood which put a strain on us causing us to fight. I think that she left because she felt "static" and that the only way she could regain some control was to end our relationship. I said "okay" and tried to leave but she literally sat on me for 90 minutes crying and asking me to stay for a little longer in her apartment…anyways later that week I reached out to her about a trip we had been planning for a while that weekend. We decided to go on it, as a date, but not back in a relationship. During the weekend it was as if nothing had happened…but the next week her feelings resurfaced and said that. she "needed space and distance to find out what she wanted." I said fine and not to contact me anymore. I didnt talk to her for 5 days, she texted me saying that she was alone in bed and things felt weird. I didnt answer…she sent a few more and i didnt answer and she got mad and called me 3 times at like 3 am for three consecutive nights. I answered and talked briefly for two of those nights.
Last week she sent me an email and i didnt answer and then she sent another asking "so were not going to talk?okay." I sent her back a short, neutral message saying that this is what she requested and I have found this time apart therapeutic etc and i thought we shouldnt text but I would always answer her call if she needed to talk. She called that night around 1 and we talked about day-to-day stuff and i tried to end the conversation after about 15 minutes but she asked me to wait, that she wanted to talk about my email. I told her that she was right, I wasnt happy with her and i felt lost and im starting to regain what I lost during the relationship. Late that night (3am) she texted me saying simply "so what do you want to do?" I answered that morning with a simple "?" and she said "are you happy to be broken up or do you want to just sort things out for a bit?" and I said that "being happy to be be broken up is not exactly the right way to phrase it and i think this is a conversation to have later." (she was about to get on a plane to NYC for a week.)
that week she texted me a few times and i was cordial. When she got back I asked to meet up the next week so i can give her back stuff she asked for and to get back some of my stuff. She said that she didnt want to give my stuff back and asked it if i was really that important (like 4 pairs of boxers and a shirt). I said " its not really about the boxers but itd be nice to see you for a little bit and I can give you the stuff you asked for (she asked for 2 beer glasses we bought at a beer festival on the previously-mentioned trip. This was about 5 days after no contact)." She said to let her know when i wanted to do it and "shed think about it." We have to meet in a third city where our house it as school…but ill be there anyway moving stuff out and paying my last rent etc… Anyways, shes continuing to send me text messages saying "im home…my feet hurt…I saw X on the internet..etc" I dont respond to these.
I want her back, does it sound like things are going my way?
Sorry for the LONG story but I tried to paraphrase as much as possible the 30 days since we broke up. Shes sent me some jealous messages too but nothing explicit…i really think she does want to get back eventually but is just too proud to admit it and is still a little upset about not being in the schools she wants etc…
Hi my name is Undecided,
I left my husband 1 month ago and I feel pretty good. I love him with all my heart but there has been a disconnection between the both of us for years. I do not trust him at all. I've told him over and over again, but he doesn't seems interested in nothing I say.
Now that I'm gone I have his undivided attention. It's sad to say but this is the most attention I've received from him in years and it feels pretty darn good. I don't know whether or not if I'm ready for a divorce or even if I want to go back. I'm in need of what direction should I go in….
Thanks, Undecided, for your question.
For me the problems of fixing and improving a relationship often involve this kind of "waking someone up." One or both partners seem to be ignoring major ugly stuff that is going on. It is as if they are asleep. Typically, something makes one wake up while the other sleeps on.
Mind you, what people are waking up to is "situations that are painful," "behaviors that hurt," and a sense of "I don't know what to do to make this better, but I want it to be better." And so I see the first step is waking up, both waking up. The second step is all about learning how to make it better over and over.
But what is common, and your question points to, is that often one partner won't wake up until something extreme is done (divorce papers, moving out, etc. etc.) AND the question is "will they stay awake?" It is a great question. If I get my partner to wake up and pay attention by throwing divorce papers at them, do I have to keep throwing divorce papers at them in order to keep them awake? If I "give in" on the divorce papers, will they go back to sleep?"
Have I got your situation?
If I have this is a problem with solutions, I think. And one person can do it. I refer to this in my paper on Individual Boundaries. We often do not have in our kit of skills, a wide range of different levels of a tools. Think of different sizes of screwdrivers. To live life we need a whole set of different sizes from tiny ones to fix our glasses to huge ones to undo the bolts that hold the boulders on the side of our driveways.
Now shift the metaphor to a "partner wake up tool" and you'll see that you had to use divorce (huge pain of leaving) which takes a lot of effort and is probably overly large. Kind of like using a shotgun to kill a mosquito. It will work, but…..
The principle, for me, is "he/she who can leave has all the power." But you want to use this tool wisely.
Learn to use easier and simpler signs and tokens of leaving in order to keep your partner awake. I am not talking about controlling him, cuz that will become another problem by itself. I am speaking of keeping him and you awake in a relationship that slowly, progressively, cleans up the ugly stuff that is going on. It takes time to get there, so the easier the tool to use, the better. (A specific set of examples of these tools surround the TimeOut. Anyone is a working relationship who doesn't seek to become expert at this tool, I think, is foolish.)
You could start by saying, "I'm willing to work with you. I'm not willing to go back to what we were doing. I'm divorcing that, and you if that is the only way to build a better relationship for me to live in. I want a good one. (see Biological Dream and Vintage Love) I'd rather get there with you. I like that you are paying attention to me, but I don't want to turn this relationship into a bullying one (see Master/Slave) one. Would you give me some ideas of what I can do to "wake you up" if I think you are going to sleep, again."
Good luck.
This is an eye opener for me because I was the one who had "fallen asleep" – very much asleep (though there is depression involved) – and my partner never tried to talk to me about what she needed and didn't get from me. She just retreated and disconnected gradually, justifying it by telling me she had stress at the workplace. And I believed her as I couldn't read the signs being "asleep". Then one day we had a conversation where she was forced to put her cards on the table, and she said everything that troubled her. And she broke up with me then and there. There were lots of tears from both of us.
The thing is, I understand her and I'm willing to work on me, I just didn't know that anything was wrong! I told her this, but she stands with her decision, telling me she's not in love with me anymore. I couldn't do anything else but accept that and wished her love and happiness from my heart, and told her I need to go no contact to heal. This was a month ago. I've been working on myself nonstop since the breakup, reading, learning.. I've also started seeing a therapist, hoping he can help me find out why my emotions were so suppressed all the time that I couldn't open up. The emotions are surely there now..
Sorry if I hijacked the thread, and I'm very sorry about Melissa's story. I admit that maybe in my case the shotgun (i.e. the breakup) was indeed necessary to wake me up, because I can see that a conversation may not have been enough, my sleep was so deep. But I'm determined to change, if it's the last thing I do. I cannot imagine Melissa's partner is any less serious about this. I'm devastated. Is there ANYTHING I can do? Or do I just have to accept it's over? I'm afraid if I give her any attention now I will only drive her farther away. Many thanks in advance Oliver
The way I see it, however you start, you start. This all sounds good. Got lots of work to do and sounds like you are doing it. The steps in this article are perfect, I believe. I would need more info to make any suggestions and you might want to set up a CHAT with me. You might peruse my article on Getting to Work. You are going to have to start “leading.”
“The thing is, I understand her and I’m willing to work on me, I just didn’t know that anything was wrong!” My reactions is, bullshit. You didn’t understand her or you would have known trouble was brewing long before it surfaced. Gotta discover the components of your “blindness” and fix ’em.
“she stands with her decision, telling me she’s not in love with me anymore” Well, we want to respect her decisions even if they appear wrong-headed to us. And everyone on gods green earth falls out of love, so that is not biggie. Read and absorb my Map of Relationships.
“I’m devastated.” Well yeah! Big surprises. On the other hand would you rather learn what you’ve been blind to or go on being unaware?
“Is there ANYTHING I can do? Or do I just have to accept it’s over?” You can do anything you want. If you want a relationship with her, then I would not give up. Or you can decide it’s over (that’s quite different from “accepting its over”) and walk away. To me it’s better to learn the lessons in front of you rather than walk away.
“I’m afraid if I give her any attention now I will only drive her farther away.” Too much attention, in the wrong way, yeah sure. You can persuade her to go further away. Start by following the steps in this article. Don’t push, but don’t do nothing, is my advice.
Al,
thanks a lot for your response and your chat offer. My spoken English is not good enough for a phone conversations, though.
Yes, you're right. What I meant is I had been blind to the telltale signs, but the breakup made me understand that things were bad.
Yes, will do.
No, I realize that the breakup was necessary for me to take action. It still hurts, though. I'm the poster boy of moving away from pain instead of moving toward what I want. But without the pain I'd probably walk away and make the same mistakes again.
No, I don't want to give up. But I'm afraid that keeping hopes up will slow my healing process, and set me up for pain later.
Again, many thanks for your advice.
Might be worth practicing “embracing the pain.” If I recall rightly, it was the greek Sophocles, Oedipus Rex, etc., who taught that “man only learns from pain.” Figured this out about 2300 years ago. You might want to put up a sign on the wall, “Pain is necessary to Learning.”
Hi. My man is leaving me after over a decade's worth of time together. I have been ill for the last two years. Now, he wants to bail. He told me my inability to support himself is keeping him from doing things he wants.
Sounds awful. A terrible tragedy. Must have a lot of stories to tell. Learn everything you can and breathe.
In reply to your specific question I have some thoughts. While you are doing all the other stuff (no pushing, working on yourself, etc.) I think you want to display a serious kind of respect to her.
Just giving in to her is, I think, disrespectful to yourself as well as to her. When, if ever, she splits from you, she will have serious consequences that involve money, etc. While on the one hand I would let her know you want to start on a new relationship with her toward Vintage Love, on the other hand I would let her know you respect her decisions to split.
Thus I would move "responsibly" and perhaps "sadly" in the direction of dividing responsibilities: money, income, property, childcare, etc. You can reverse direction if she clearly wants to work with you, but I think it important you take her seriously. I guess I think it a good idea to let her know you hear her.
Tis quite possible she doesn't believe you are or can be serious. In general, I reject the idea of letting people use you. Good luck.
First of all a) this certainly seems like a tough (hard to solve, work through) situation and b) please don't throw yourself off a bridge.
It is quite a story of how to get into a mess. The most consistent note I made as I was reading it was the word “TRUST.” For me the deepest core of getting along with anyone is building a sense of safety and trust. And I kept getting the impression that each of you probably were raised in a way that did not facilitate how to build and ensure trust. Wow. How much trouble you can get into!
So I took your essay and re-edited it to have some paragraphs so that I could get at different factors. Still it seemed to all boil down to stuff you did that “broke her trust” and stuff she did that “broke your trust.”
To me this means you are both learning lessons of becoming both more trustworthy and trust-o-genic; an new word meaning “tending to generate, facilitate, and ensure trust and safety in a community.”
Want a relationship? An enduring, loving, relationship? Do it!
My papers, my website, are built around building those skills. You might want to start with the Essay on Safety. Mind you I think that “Trust” and “Safety” refer to the same thing. If she trusts you, she feels safe with you.
In some ways the core of this are making sure that each person has Predictive Information and a Sense that things are in control.
And remember to follow the 4 steps in this article, too.
Good luck.