HomeMain PageRelationshipsMap of RelationshipsMap of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part I


Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part I — 9 Comments

  1. I wonder what you think of this quote by Mark Danielewski? It seems relevant to your work.

    “It is not difficult to understand how children who have suffered from malnutrition or starvation need food and plenty of care if their bodies are to recover so they can go on to lead normal lives. If, however, the starvation is severe enough, the damage will be permanent and they will suffer physical impairments for the rest of their lives. Likewise, children who are deprived of emotional nurturing require care and love if their sense of security and self-confidence is to be restored. However, if love is minimal and abuse high, the damage will be permanent and the children will suffer emotional impairments for the rest of their lives.”

    • Sure. We’re all drinking from the same fountain it seems. My view might be even stronger than that in the quote. I looked up Mark. Seems a nice guy.

      What do you think of this topic? What does it bring to you?

      • Oh, you really want to know about me? The quote is from my favorite book and it leaped out to me. I think I might be unable to love because I didn’t get any love in childhood. My parents mostly ignored me, so I took care of myself, which I never felt was a bad thing since it worked just fine. I have never felt attached or connected to anyone.

        I don’t feel like I’m an avoider or a clinger. I don’t feel overwhelmed or lonely, I just don’t feel anything to anyone. I want everyone to feel happy so I don’t think I’m a sociopath. If a friend or a boyfriend got hurt, I would be sad. But if a friend or a boyfriend said they will never see me again, I wouldn’t feel anything positive or negative. I’ll just get a new friend or boyfriend, so what’s the problem? I don’t understand why people get so upset when someone leaves them.

        I get praised for this a lot. People say that I’m so independent, but I feel that it’s not a good thing. Something is off, something is missing. I enjoy other people’s company, but I don’t get attached to any one person. I could take or leave anyone. That’s wrong, isn’t it?

        So in what way is your view even stronger than Mark’s?

        • Well Hello again, Unnamed person, Thanks so much for sharing a bit about your interest in this topic. I am not sure how many times Mark has faced and experience the “wounds” from our upbringing that persist into adulthood. My experience is about 3000 couples deep. I have not met a pair (so that’s two each) who have not been wrestling with the processes of recovering. Seems to me there are a lot of obviously wounded and an even larger number of walking-wounded. I sometimes think of this culture as producing PTSD convalescents. I find myself cheering them (us) on.

          And I think that it is easier to recover from a dramatically awful childhood (“minimal loving and high abuse”), as the need for help and recovery often seems obvious. A large number of people I see who struggle deeply, cannot seem to even see the historical events that inflicted their damage. When someone says, “I had a wonderful childhood.” I tend to get a chill. The principle is that it is often better that your parent violently beat you than that they silently turned away. Ah well.

          In your case, I’m not clear anything is wrong with you. Seeking to understand yourself is a very valuable pursuit, I believe. Being independent and happy sounds fine. Some people would label it “wrong”. There is even a convenient official label for it: attachment disorder. I find those labels only slightly useful. If you are concerned, I would seek a good counselor and discuss your concerns.

          Thinking that you are “unable to love” can point the direction toward some learning about judgementalism in others or in yourself. May point to some learning about ‘what the heck is “love”‘, too. Also a great study. I think your studies are worth it and shared by lots of people. A young friend of mine pointed out the recent movie “500 Days of Summer” that I think was created by similar thoughtfully puzzling people.

          Good luck and keep searching.

        • You have really interesting perspectives. I will look into attachment disorder. Thank you, and thank you for showing interest in me.

  2. Hello I am Samantha I have an ex husband a child with him and its a very bad relationship there. I am remairred of 5 years but been together 6 years and known each other 7 years. My husband and I also have a 4 year old son.  My ex husband started again to go after our child Ally  to live with him so we have been in court and such it always very hard on us. Well My husband K came to me sat night and said he dosn't think he still loves me!  He said he loves the kids and cares for me and dosn't want to lose my family. I love this man with all of my self I just dont know what to do. Im scarried for me and for my children. Also to note my husaband K was by a very ill man that was never medicated. he is the only one out of 4 boys that is ok in life. his mother left them all when he was 12. But raised the youngets son who was 3 at that time. But she has loved them all she just fell for the lies and shes a runner.  I need help!! If You can help please do. Thank You Samantha

    • Oh. Wow.  Samatha, things sound pretty confusing and definitely “no fun.”   Yes, I think you need help.  Not sure what I can do at all.  Do you have any thoughts?

      You posted this comment in a place I think is a great idea (read my Map), but only if you are trying to calmly figure out what is going and and what to do next.  It sounds much more urgent than that.

      My guess is you needs someone(s) in your local area who can be helpful.  Over all goal is to really start taking better and better care of YOU.  

      Do you have any thoughts of what I could do that might be helpful?   

      • Well I'm not sure we do have a consoler here that we have been going to for 2 plus years it started as help with Ally but we have seen her our self but we usually talking about Ally. When we do talk about other things its not big stuff just work and stress with my ex (this is with council). I did tell her the other day that he has done this. She was thrown off as well she does know that we are always under extreme stress. He even said that when I asked to go talk with our consoler K just said that she was going to say it was all stress. Thats not what she said but it is a factor.   He is gone for 3 weeks doing his air force training. I belive that I have been lead to you for help. When he was telling me this he wouldnt look at me at all. He made sure that there was a stack of clothes in front of him. Also I noticed that his text messages kept going off and he kept looking at them. I belive that I am more of the clinger he can be that way but not most of the time. He doesn't open himself up to other almost ever. Hes the nicest man you could meet but he doesn't really like many people. Everyone at arms length but me I was in and now I'm out. K has gone on lock down with talking to me. He is not responding to me that often. I feel as if another person has his ear. Maybe a girl maybe a guy but I feel very strongly about this. He guards his ph I cant touch it with out him right there listening and watching he has changed pass words to email and face Book. I am trying to be calm and think. I started selling in direct sales in April and it has taken up a lot more time then I have wanted. So If your asking I do belive that I have neglected our relationship. Not because I don't love him but because of life and me wanting to help in house hold cost more. I feel as if I should not stop talking to him I also told him that I wasn't giving up on us That I would fight for this relationship. We also have been so focused on Allys issues that we've just been doing that a lot.  I do not think that I should just stop talking to him I am not calling or texting 24 7 though. I try and keep it to topics like the kids and just saying we all miss you have a great day. My councilor as she said with out talking to him she can not know anything for sure (as i understand). She belives that he may be felling abandoned by me and  in turn hurt  and I agree its not in his character to cheat or to give up. But thats what he was some what saying to me. I am doing things while he his gone trying to get things in my power in control. Such as money the home inside and out and I have been journaling. I along with conceal have been thinking about sending him a letter telling him some things but I do not want to place blame or make more doubt for him. I have a close friend that is great with helping guide me in my relationship with god. However she is telling me to stop talking to K and to get out of the way of god. I belive that is the worst course to take. Because if he feels rejected and not safe then that to me would reinforce those feelings. Plus we have kids. I want to be better for him myself and our family. I cant imagine K not being in my life. Please any insight a place to start from were to go with it. I belive this is what I am asking you to help with if you can. Thank You Samantha

        • Dear Samantha, 

          I am very relieved that you have both some sort of counselor and a good friend and God.  I feel much more relaxed.  I can not really “do” much to help anyone, but I can share all sorts of things. 

          I was reading both of your posts and saw some things I can speak to. 

          • “I am trying to calm myself and think.”  Wonderful first step.  Can’t think very well if you are not calm and it is your job alone to keep yourself calm.  No one can do that for you.  So the first thing, primary focus, I believe should be on obtaining peace and relaxation.  Or the opposite is to put a top priority on removing panic, high anxiety, fighting etc.  This comes first. My paper on The Lizard, on Safety, is my first most important paper on this. My second most important is my paper on Personal Boundaries which is all about you taking responsibility for your own calmness.  Anyone in Lifeguard training knows that keeping yourself safe comes before saving the other person.  
          • As a self identified “clinger” I want to caution you about “talking to him” or “fighting for the relationship.”  I want you to become better at listening to him, hearing him, and encouraging him to share.  Your job is to stand-on-your-own-feet and make him feel heard.  What you share suggests that you’ve done entirely too much (for him) talking.  If you want him around you have to monitor him to see if he is overwhelmed by anything and work with him to relax.   (Reliable Membership papers.)  And you “fight” for survival (boundaries) but you work hard for a relationship – never fight.
          • If he is chatting with someone else, that’s actually a good thing and give you some time to learn to do better at listening to him.  If you get really good, he will likely swing back to you.  If you don’t, he probably wont.  Remember the paper on “What to do when he/she leaves you.”
          • Oh. and another thought.  You said you are “doing things to get my power of control while he is gone.”  I like that. But I encourage you to get that “power of control” even more when he is around.

          Keep a going.  

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