What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hi al how’s it going, well wanted to ask you should I take her daughter’s advice. Thru this ordeal she has been in the wings and knows whats going on with her mother and me of course. After. I last talked to you, I haven’t spoken to her. Our last meeting was a great one, its when she asked what is the right way and how does she know I’ve changed. So I recently texted her daughter like I do every so often, I asked if I could have her ask her mom could she text me. She said naw she probably wont. Then comes “I don’t think she wants to be with you.” But then I tell her what me and her mom discussed she then was like “oh I didnt know.” Then tonight they came to get mail, I texted her (daughter) saying what am I doing wrong she said she doesn’t know, then replied her mom told her that she was done with me, didn’t feel its truthful but yet I wonder, is she telling her kids one thing and telling me something different, cause when we talk she never told me anything like that or even close to that, I will say she has not promised me anything but hasn’t closed the door either. I mean if she chooses not to work things out or continue being friends wouldn’t she tell me?
I would not involve the daughter much. The mother could see it as manipulating her daughter. Children should not be involved in relationship matters between adults. Just be honest and open with the mother. I know this does not help you much but in the long run it will- I promise. I am going through tough times as well. I wish my wife would talk to me at all. Terrence- if you love her- then there are ways to show her. Counseling could help. Stay positive and take care of yourself. Do you know the things that she wanted you to change? Start there. Good luck.
All good advice, Allen. Thanks for your input. Al T.
I agree with Allen, Terrence, on one thing. As a gift to your kids, don’t involve them or let them get involved. I think the job of you two is to raise them and thus be a solid, good-example-setting, loving couple.
And that controlling issue. Usually I experience that controllers marry controllers. If you were arguing, then both of you have the control bug. You can fix that in yourself and be the kind of person the moves her toward fixing it in herself. I don’t recommend walking off or giving up, but then most people go ahead (ignoring my advice) and do so.
The pain should stop. It’s not supposed to go on forever, I believe. It is just a wake up call. Good luck.
Well, I appreciate the advice, thank you…
Hi al, well I take it that for the most part I havent been listening good enough, she told me that my focus should be on freindship, rather than focus on us getting back together, also she says she does not want a relationship with me, kinda since maybe its time to try something different or walk away, this whole being her friend thing is harder for me than I anticipated, any suggestions
Takes a couple of years of chatting and practicing, Terrence, to become good at listening – when you want to and/or when they want you to be. Seems a serious set of skills. But then those skills are useful everywhere in every relationship. (I personnally used Mirroring to teach myself.) My guess is she sees a relationship with you as a burden of of some sort rather than something joyous and freeing. Look for that and work to fix it.
Hello, my husband walked out on myself and our 3 children, two being one yr old twins. I’m in a total mess. We had been having arguments but nothing I didn’t think everyone else has when tired with young babies. He agreed to go to counciling because he said he wanted to make it work cos he loves me and the children but last night cancelled the sessions and called wanting a divorce. He kept me and our 14year old son hoping that he was coming home and now he has gone straight to divorce. I am left with twin babies, a teenager on benefits and with the guy who I have been best friends with since I was 14 hating me and I have no idea why. I’ve not managed to sleep or eat I just don’t understand, and I want him home.
I really feel your loss. Thursday was my day. All I can say is do what you can to take care of your little ones then rest. Sleep as much as you’re able at least just lie still. I’ve tried to focus on some of the awful parts of our relationship to buy me time away from crying. I know it will pass, but it’s just so painful. I’ve decided to switch my phone off and become unavailable for a while after making a fool of myself begging him yesterday.
Sending you calm thoughts
Hello Sam. I know times are tough. I am in a similar situation. Its been 33 days since I saw my wife and child. You must take care of yourself. If you don’t- who will take care of your precious angels? I know it’s hard to see right now, and I have to tell myself this several times a day- “this to, will pass”. Hold on to your faith and pull closer to friends and family. I wish the best for you and your family.
Hello, Sam, Allen, et. al, These are tough times. I know. I remember, too. I see these as “wake up” times. An old friend in Montana used to say that some people only wake up when you hit them in the face with a “two by heavy.” Thanks for chiming in here with good thougths.
I imagine that there are about 80,000 people in these United States going through the same pain on this day. Aaargh. (And maybe that same number will wake up tomorrow to the same thing. Anyone got an idea how to reach out to those, today? I don’t.)
I hope you can gather your wisdom and make the pain worth it. And as Blackie Baker would say, “don do it agin!”
Keep on going.
Dear Al (babwa), Get sleep and take care of yourself along with those little kids. Ah, wanting him home doesn’t make it happen. And while you are exhausted, it may not be the time to figure out what was going on. Find a good counselor for yourself to help you with that. I doubt that he went straight to divorce without a lot of preliminary thinking. Maybe many years of it. Part of what you will figure out is “how you didn’t see this coming?” Of course you are now real busy with those twins, but before that there must have been lots of signs. It is nice to know what is going on. Arguments are, in my opinion, important to have and to fix. Ideally should only last for maybe three years. Long than that, there is trouble. Something needs fixing badly. True this is “spilt milk” now, but probably worth figuring out someday.
Take care of yourself first, so you can take care of those kids.
My gf got out of relation saying that she doesnt like me and love me and to be friends again. We were in a long distance relation since 5 months. We haven’t met during the relation and our interaction was also quite less. But it looked always that she was serious whenever we talked. I mean she was serious. But now i panicked and mess up things. She is not responding now.
she is elder to me and sees no future i guess being an indian society and is quite practical too..
Hello friend (tarun), Long distance relationships are very hard work. And relationships that are young (under 3 years) often break up because the “match” isn’t right. Sometimes one is much more into the relationship and the other quite cool. Breaking up still hurts. You’ve probably learned a lot by that “messing up” bit. Good luck and keep a going.
Hi Al, I have a question for you.
My partner of five months and I fell apart after going through a bad period (stress, arguments, lack of communication, long distance).
I’ve already made major changes to myself, learnt patience and not to ‘push’. I am confident I can sustain an improved relationship now. The problem is that my partner has lost the feelings of attraction for me after a major argument. He says he doesn’t feel the same, he feels ‘numb’.
We haven’t spoken in a month, he has refused to reply to my texts. I only sent a couple after the official break up…no pushing, just positive messages to apologize, wish him the best, and a small joke to make him smile. I don’t think he was ready to receive those messages yet though. A few days ago, I wished him good luck for a week-long sporting competition, he replied ‘Thank you!’ and nothing more. After 2 days, I texted a cute pic to follow up, still wishing him good luck for the competition. And he hasn’t replied.
My question is, when I have worked on myself and know I am ready to begin an improved relationship, what can I do if the negativity is coming from his side? This man was intensely attracted to me and pursued a long distance relationship. Now it seems like he feels absolutely nothing for me?
Anything you can recommend to revive those feelings of attraction? Bearing in mind we are semi-long distance and while we may have chances to meet (say on a monthly basis), if he doesn’t act upon them, we are not likely to ‘bump into each other’ casually or anything like that.
Thank you.
I would like to add…this is a very stubborn man who finds it exceedingly difficult to deal with emotional issues or someone else’s emotions. When he is in love, he is 150% besotted. He has great passions in life and throws himself into them wholeheartedly, like his sport. When he is cold, he is completely switched off or so it seems. I know his attraction can’t have gone to zero but I feel he has buried his feelings so deeply, I don’t know how to coax them out.
Hah, Suzanne, this is big stuff. Reminds me of 45 years ago when I would shoot ground squirrels. If I hit them first shot out of their hole, no problem. But if I missed them, they’d stay down an awful long time. They now “knew” I was there ready to kill ’em. All I wanted to do was “coax ’em” out. Was much longer wait if I had winged ’em!
If he has difficulty now dealing with someone else’s emotions, my guess is he’s been winged before by someone – maybe many times.
Good luck.
Hello Suzanne, Sounds as if he’s a nice guy. “Stubborn.” I like. It is the trait that leads to reliability and commitment. Your relationship sounds rather young, 5 months. And this one “fell apart” after arguments. Wow, sounds really normal. That wonderful “besotted” stuff, I gather, is based on not knowing much about each other, and probably both of you didn’t know how “ugly” it can get. Being a “stubborn” guy, now he cannot ever forget how rough it/you/he can be get. Glad he’s learned that. He will have to be planning on dealing with it. Great relationships are built on “rough” and knowing what to do about it.
At this point there is not much you can do except be available to “walk with him” should he choose, and remind him that you are there without pushing. That’s why I recommend short notes once-a-week or less. When/if he decides to reach back (even a “thank you” is a tiny reaching back) you can move from there. Chances are he’ll never go back to that glorious besotted behavior.
So, you gotta work on yourself, be patient, and at some point consider looking for someone else to work with. (While you may feel alone in this, my guess is that about 10,000 other Americans went through exactly the same situation last weekend. Should be a usergroup. “Abandoned after our first big fight in a 5 month relationship!”) And don’t forget to check out my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Hello. I am here like everyone else. Twenty six days ago- my wife left with our 14 month old child. I did not have a clue. I don’t know where she is- except she is in the area. In about 2 months will be our 15 year anniversary. We were suppose to renew our vows. I guess that won’t happen.
I am a disabled veteran and have went back to school to finish a degree. I have supported my wife through two degrees and her PHD. As you can guess- she is the main bread winner and make good money. When she left- she clean out our accounts. We just bought our house two years ago. Since our child has been born- I have been the “stay at home father” or main care giver since she has been born. Trust me- I can change a diaper faster than nascar crews can change tires. (joke).
I am 14 years older than my wife and do not have any children till our baby. We married when she was only 19 – so I have known her all her adult life. We joke and cut up and have a few hobbies in common. Over the last 6 months my wife had grown more and more negative about live. She would not want to interact with the baby or do much of nothing. I tried to encourage her but then more bad news- my kidneys are failing and I had to start dialysis a few months back. Then we find our child is sick with something that is like a ticking time bomb that has no cure.
I thought we pulled together and became closer- so I thought. We had a few times of just holding each other and the baby and just crying and praying. So- that is why I am more shocked to see she just left. I know she has her mother and a friend in her ear- but she has never been one to let people influence her so easily.
At any rate- I am home- hurting. I don’t want to be around anyone and some days I don’t get up and go to dialysis. I break down when I think about our child or see pictures of her. We do not have family in the area and my wife refuses to communicate with me or any of our friends in the area. She is not from the area. So many people are worried about her, and the baby. I try to hold on to faith and hope that all will be ok.
I got divorce papers- and my heart just broke. Anyway- looking at all resources I can to try to help. I know there is no magic pill, but I wish something besides time would help. I would move mountains if she would just talk to me, let me see our child. I love them both… Sorry
Whoa Allen, I sometimes think of people and imagine all the normal stuff they have ahead of them to learn. But that is after the current panicky crisis ends and there is time for learning. In reading your posting all I could do was start listing the additional struggles you two are facing. Wow. Kidney failure, child with some illness, on top of the usual tragedy that comes to ex military!. (Hmm. you didn’t even get around to mentioning that. I guess too much is on your plate.) Wow, Allen.
Well, humans are designed to recover from all this sort of thing. We are incredible creatures, with built-in healing functions.
So how can I help? My thinking jumps to survival and priorities. First take care of yourself – dialysis, exercise, food, etc. Second, well, at the same time, just make sure that kid is with someone who is taking care of it. Get support to start figuring out why you didn’t know this was going to happen, and what are you not seeing now. Methinks the divorce papers come last.
You might tell the VA you are “depressed” and need some help. You don’t have to be depressed to get support from them, just say you are. Currently the VA is so worried about depression they tend to jump to help. And you’ve got lots and lots of reasons to be “down”. (If it bothers you to ask for help, get over it!)
Lastly start to figure out what’s been going wrong in this marriage and fix it. Communication sounds like a good place to start. Most ex-military find themselves stuck in Master-Slave and I fear most of them never get out of it.
Good luck and keep a going.
Thank you. I am just so confused and hurting. I have been missing some dialysis days just because I feel tired ir stressed. I worry about our daughter. I miss them both. I have not heard from my wife since she left. If only she would talk.