HomeMain PageRelationshipsSkillsCommunication“Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”

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“Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves” — 37 Comments

  1. Does any of this relate of the one you love was on drugs and left when confronted. He seems to have left after I told people that he was doing it as opposed to that I knew.

    He was a very good man and is a very good man but always had commitment issues in his past because he didn’t want married an Indian divorce and all the complications that come. I thought we were going to be together forever and didn’t know about the drug. I blamed the things I saw on myself but once his friend ratted him out about being on drugs and not showing up to work again I knew it wasn’t me.

    I do however know that some things are me and mine to fix. I can’t help how much I love him I really do give over my heart to him fully. I told him I would be here for him and I wanted him to get help to get off the drugs but would seem to bother him most that I took a picture of the drug test lid and send it to his friend and his sister in the hopes that they would give a s*** but neither did. He thinks these people are his friends and they’re not. He was to get off the drugs I would want to fix things with him.

    I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings. But my heart is broken over the hat and a couple of other things and they only get me so far. Most people tell me that he’s on drugs and to be thankful he left but I always thought that we would try to solve any problem together. And I remember what I’ve been told is that drugs control the person.

    I haven’t looked through all of this website but so far I think might be the best website I have found to help address some of these issues. I certainly want to be the best I can be.

    If I had a question on the wall of it would be what should I say to him should I ask him or he thinks I need to change and when?

    • Thanks so much, Cindi, for reminding me this morning that once there was a time when I dreamed/thought I live happily ever after without learning all the lessons that were ahead of me. Gosh, things seemed simple.

      Well, welcome to the wonderful part of life where learning situations appear from left and right. Yup, this article applies. You think? I think.

      Sure glad you are in Alanon. It opens up the doors to lots of lessons such as “why you would fall for an addicted person”. If not this one, then what will the next person be like. What lessons hasn’t he learned that lead to his drug use and his living in fantasy about his sister etc. etc.

      As to your question(s), I think I’d get rid of the either/or and replace it with both/and. What do you need to focus on changing. And how can you support him in asking the same question of himself. And the big one, How do I go about changing? We humans are built to change, thank goodness. I think your future is bright. Go 4 it.

  2. dear al
    i came back after 21/2 months away working out the country i came back 2 days early and i never told my wife i wanted to surprise her but i got the surprise that night when she told me that she was leaving me . i had the biggest wake up call ever in my life . we when thru some tough times with ivf but we never got the child that we wanted i close my self in and she when to help her self to let go off all this emotion . i know that it takes time to heal she told that she need her space and the door is not closed i don’t know how to take that does she still want to work on it or she is letting me down easy

    • What a heck of a “wake up call”! How are you doing? Wow!

      Don’t know much of what she is doing. Be nice to know why she kept so many secrets from you. These big “surprises” are always the result of lousy communication. Here’s a link.

      Waking up is always a good idea. Anything you can do to learn more about relationship skills and about her is worth it and will cut down on the pain. I got lots of papers on the website written just for you. Seems very good news that she says the door is open.

      Let me know how I can help.

      • dear al
        over the last 8 years we have been trying to have children and in the last 5 years we have done 3 ivf cycles which none them work so far. we still have 1 frozen embryo that can go in but now she doesn’t want to put in because of the drugs that they put in her they really mess her up. She has been doing lot of meditation and yoga which it help her thru her pain of not having kids. i know that i wasn’t there for her emotionally and i just let her go thru this pain all alone all i did i hid just working all the time and never dealt with the pain of being a failure. i know that now she open her self to become a better person and i never did. its only been a week since this happen but i know that now i feel more pain that i ever felt and i been writing stuff on paper for hours on end. i want to change for me and to be a worthy person . we talked last night and she told me that she needs time ? i open up to her and told her how now i feel the pain that she went thru. i hope just me working on myself for me to change that one day she will come back ?

        • Ah Sergio, the distance from the “wake-up” call to that partnership that both of you badly desire can be years long. You can make it shorter by learning as fast as you can. Sounds as if you both are now moving forward. I think you are both worth it.

        • thank you for getting back to me
          i saw her last night we talk again i am still confused she told me that i wasn’t supportive her in what she when thru with the ifv and she has been feeling this way for 5 years and then i asked her why she wanted to try to have a child again this year and she said that was to save the marriage? she told me that she doesn’t want to come back here and can get close to me in a romantic way which it really hurt inside when i heard that . and after all that she said that she needs a month to be left alone but the door it might still be open ?
          and before she left we had this really nice soft hug and a kiss
          I feel that she is not ready to let go yet of what we had and maybe we can work it thru ?
          This is biggest wake-up call in my life

        • Well, Sergio, I think you are on the right track. But you might learn to move faster. Everything you tell me sounds like clues she’s giving you to what is going on, has been going on, inside her that you’ve been “blind too.” And thus you feel it as a “wake up” cus kinda you’ve been asleep with her.

          Here’s a little story. One March my girlfriend (now my wife) did something I thought was really weird. In September she told me something about herself that made her actions in March make lots and lot of sense to me. Wow – only 6 months later.

          Then in that very month she did another thing that seemed weird. Two months later in November she told me something that took all the feeling of “weirdness” away. I realize her two month old behavior was perfectly sensible but that seemed weird at the time cuz I was so unaware.

          Then she did a “weird” think on Monday of a week and something she said on Friday helped me see her sense. I was learning and improving. A) If I thought her “weird”, I was just uninformed and B) I could get quicker (6 months, to 2 months, to 4 days) at finding out what was going on inside her.

          Then I shifted to anticipating her explanation. If she did something weird, I told myself “she’s making sense even if to me she looks weird and it’s a matter of time till she tells me, so maybe I can ask and speed this whole thing up faster.” Maybe I can wake myself up to the awareness that she makes sense all the time and “weirdness” is just a feeling I have when I’m uninformed.

          I’ve done it. I believe all people make sense all the time, and if they seem weird they are not. I’m just uninformed.

          Hope this helps. It sure helped me.

        • Hey Al
          Its sergio
          I finally saw my wife last night after 2 weeks and she told me that is over and she is moving into a new direction I try to fight for us to go counselling but she didn’t want anything to do with that she then told me that she would lied to her self if she when there that is over now
          So the only thing that must have happen she must found some one new ?
          I still love her and I want her back but I don’t know how to get her back

        • Hello Sergio, whether she found someone “new” or is just thinking of being on her own for a while, I imagine she thinks she finally got you to wake up. That thought suggests she thinks you are a slow waker-upper and might think if she reconnected to you, you would go back to sleep. Prove her wrong by really waking up. I think it’s good for you no matter what. And if you don’t wake up, you can pretty much guarantee, she won’t return. My website is full of notes and papers I wrote for myself in waking up and for many people like you. Good luck.

        • Hi al
          Sergio again
          Been talking to my wife again I understand now that she doesn’t trust me because I didn’t know to support her when she need it me the most
          How can I get her to truss me again
          Thank you

        • A great, great question and a very important one. Once you realize that she doesn’t trust you it can be a major task to reverse the situation. It can be done! I had to take that task on.

          First thing I learned was “trust” and “feeling safe” are that same thing. So the task was to find out all about “safety” in people. Eventually I wrote my paper on Safety and used the friendly words “Lizard” to refer the topic. I needed to get all the principles in one place. Learn it all.

        • Hi al
          Thank you for getting back to me great read
          Thank you
          I saw my wife the other day at mall we were holding hands kissing spent about hour or so together and then I ask her what is happening then once again she told me that she wants to move I am so confused ?
          Thanks

        • Not easy, Sergio. But still there are two parts of your confusion, I’m guessing. Part One is that her behavior is making sense to her, even if not making sense to you. Part Two is that you are “uninformed” about her sense. She hasn’t told you about it. And she could tell you, but chooses not to tell. So you would be in confusion.

          The top level of this is that it makes sense for her to withhold information about her sense from you. Wonder what that is all about? A clue would be “what in the past have you done when she shares her sense?” Might be a place to start.

  3. Hi Al:

    I’m so glad I found your site – I have been learning so much about relationships and about myself.
    Add me to the list of people that were totally blind to their partner’s dissatisfaction in the relationship.
    About 4 months ago, I caught my husband and his coworker/ex-girlfriend in an affair. He said it was over when I discovered it and wanted to work on the marriage. I know I reacted “wrong” to this affair, it was so hurtful I felt like I had no control over my emotions. As soon as I got them under control, my husband seemed to be pulling away. He finally left about two weeks ago and returned a couple of days ago. I really want the relationship and have expressed as much but he seems very conflicted. I am unsure if the OW is still in the picture romantically (I know they still work together).
    Anyway, I have been reading everything I can and am going to counseling to understand what went wrong. I know the affair was not my fault, it was his choice, and that the problems in the marriage were 50% my responsibility. The problem is, I really didn’t know we had any problems big enough to elicit this type of betrayal and abandonment. We had faced some pretty heavy issues in the years leading up to this – we lost a business and quite a bit of money in the process and he almost died due to alcoholism. I know both of our reactions to this type of trauma weren’t perfect but I really feel that we handled these things the best we could and we were on the upswing – then the bomb dropped.
    From what I am reading here, they leave because they are not being heard and feel it’s their only choice to get out of their dissatisfaction. But are the “leavers” more predisposed to handling situations in this manner? There was a time when he was drinking and the business was failing and my needs were seriously not being met but I would have never dreamed of leaving. I stuck around, committed to working things out because I love him and believe in him. I guess that makes me a clinger? Ot maybe a doormat. In any case, it makes this whole thing sting so much more.
    Thanks for the opportunity to learn.
    – Abby

  4. I left my partner because I felt hopeless. He was surprised and angry and feels I have lied to him. I did out of fear of his anger. He has not responded to the two messages I have sent, one per week, checking to see if he is OK and apologizing for being so sudden in my departure. I am craving contact now. I want to “talk”. I only want him back if he wants to change, but his silence makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me at all any more; that he hates me. I can’t stand to have him hate me. I’ve read a lot of what you have on-line but I can’t see where it applies to this situation except that maybe he has left me, when I thought I was leaving him.

    • Hello Val,  Seems like I’ve written so much online that applies to you.   People lie cuz they don’t feel safe to tell the truth.  Lying is a kind of betrayal particularly when discovered.  Gotta rebuild trust (Lizard) with him.  Silence is easily misunderstood for not caring.  Relationships are all about changing and helping each other change. Apologizing generally doesn’t work.  Look at the topic Making Amends.   Read on.   

  5. Dear Al,
    Thank you so much for the time you have given me, to help me learn some things about myself. Your time has not been wasted, and I’m learning a lot, in a short space of time. I don’t understand everything I’ve read, some is a bit confusing, but all the same, I come back and re-read what doesn’t make sense yet, and, one day, it will. She is gone, and the way things have been done have torn me apart, not what, but how.
    Once again Al, thank you, I appreciate you help.
    Phil.

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