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What to do when He/She Leaves? — 757 Comments

1. Alright… are you suggesting that I should skip the “when to fold em bit” and politely let her know I’d like to talk if she is willing about filing the divorce?– At this point, I do not want a divorce…My mind is made up. I love my wife and I do believe it is not irretrievably broken. With some serious changes and work, and understanding, counseling, etc., I know we can both be very happy. of course I realize she may be thinking something else entirely at this point.

   My guess is the state she moved to she can file after 6 mos of residency and she may do so, in about 3 weeks when it reaches 6 mos. If she wants the divorce, my feelings are she can file for it. I’m not looking to pay for it. The main goal I have is just to open communication lines. In the past I was angry, I’m hoping she will realize I am over it and sensible enough to have a conversation.

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   • Sounds fine, AC. Open those communication channels and don’t make any divorce easier, if you don’t want one. As you open channels, beware of a) any MasterTalk, b) promises you can’t keep, c) your temper and of course d) hers.

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2. hi Al. At this point I am trying to figure out what steps to take. My wife left me last October, in a very painful way, no note, nothing, 2 days after a big fight where I got very angry. We were living with my father, who is narcissitic and was set to return the day after she left from a hospice care center following a several months stay after surgery. Our living situation was horrible. We had been living on the west coast with her family before roadtripping to come back to my home state of PA and help take care of my sick father and his many health issues and get on our feet. We got back in June, and it was particurly stressful but with my father in the home for few months we managed to have a decent fun summer. We were married just 10 months, together just over 2 years. We went from her posting positive feedback about how much she loved her husband, to leaving in just 3 weeks! She was helping me move a piece of furniture which she got injured in and had to stay off her leg due to a serious bruise for nearly 3 weeks. I can’t help but think this was a huge blow to our relationship as well. I found out from a family friend that she had been planning her leave for approx. 3 weeks with her mother who lived out of state. Her mother has always been pushing for us to break up. After she left she basically ignored me. Just a few short responses to txt msgs and then an angry, stern response on fb to leave her alone and get my head on straight, which was then followed the next day, after I blocked her on fb, with an emotional email telling me she still loved me and missed me so much, but that she was “hurt & scared” and that she never said divorce, etc and that she took a temp job. I had been the one saying divorce! out of anger. I regret that now. Never told me where she was exactly but I had a good idea. I waited a week to respond and then she promptly responded with another email very similar, again stating that she never said divorce. Asked her to call me so we could talk and she did. I was blown away during the phone call how tough she was with me, very unloving and “you shouldnt have done this and shouldnt have done that” and I said little because I was shocked. I said sarcastically “well its been nice talking to you” and she took me seriously and said “yeah its been a nice icebraker.” Like an idiot I thought about everything she said and again turned to anger, and then wrote her an email telling her “you’re right, Im terrible just file divorce and finish what you started.” She responded “well it sounds like u dont want to work on anything, if u want the divorce then you file it.”
   I have been on silent treatment ever since. I foolishly got angry over the t-giving holiday being alone and sent some harsh, rude, nasty angry emails… great way to push her away and confirm her position right?! I did apologize not long after but she never responded. Texted and tried calling over Christmas, new years. Nothing. She ignored my birthday. I sent a spa pass on Valentines. Last I checked she still had not even used it. I spoke with a friend of hers who she’d been in contact with and her father, both told me she was moving on and said she was going to divorce me. I can’t help but wonder if she is already with someone else… it would not surprise me in the least. I have heard reports from 2 ppl there was a gentleman interested in her down there asking her out.. no idea where that relationship could be by now…

   The good thing is my anger is gone and I am working on my anger issues. I sent her a 2 page letter in March just to say some positive things and let her know for once that I understand her. I’ve been reading up and now I realize that often when she seemed like she was attacking me, she was distressed and needed comforting, not my self-absorbed critical responses, or anger, or etc. I get why she seemed so controlling. I put all that in the letter, and made it about her, just trying to show I understand how I’ve hurt her.
   She did not respond. I also stupidly responded to her friends negative comments about me on fb… I realize I should have let it go rather than try to clarify.

   At this point, I recently discovered that she wrote me a 8 paragraph letter on FB, 1 week before she left. Now i understand why she didnt leave a goodbye letter–she gave it to me 1 week before! She told me she was hurting, felt like she was dying inside, felt like I didnt care much about her, that I was interested in other women, worried that she thought she was taking away my desires for freedom, she apologized for things she was doing wrong, said she would stop being so controlling, but she didnt understand many things, and that she did not want a divorce. (We just had a huge fight and i left and threatened divorce.) I have never hit her or abused her physically, but our living situation sucked, and she didnt seem too warm to the idea of working in the family business either. There were a lot of issues. We’ve had many fights and arguments, often seeming like an emotional roller coaster at times. She also suffers from a serious hormonal imbalance that she has refused to treat, which has made everything more fun.

   The good news is right now I am becoming a new person, changing my attitude, losing weight getting in shape..I’m through with the anger and am seeking help with my anger issues. I’ve also taken steps to correct my adrenal issues which have made me moody and irritable, etc. I want to fix this thing and get it in the right direction but now she’s not talking to me and I dont blame her with the way I acted. Cant believe how blind I was…and foolish, but I am thankful I have a new understanding.

   The real question is what do I do now. I feel this is a critical window as she will be in FL for 6 months in the middle of next month. This means she can then file divorce proceedings. She is a very stubborn woman, but I know she has a loving heart, if I can only get through that wall she has built up.

   My plan is to respond to the letter she wrote me on FB, 1 week before leaving, address the issues, because she poured her heart out. I can only imagine it must have made her feel like crap that I didnt even respond or show I took it serioiusly. I saw the last paragraph but not the rest, and leaving that open just doesnt sit well with me, even if it is months.

   Also her bday is on April 1. I wouldnt feel right not doing anything but I dont want to appear needy. I was thinking of sending flowers, that would look like the first bouquet I ever bought her, which she loved, and a card. I bought her a pair of new jeans a while ago and was planning to send them as well. I’m not sure how she will react–the jeans are just like a pair she ruined once before, when she got angry with me and left me when we were out, walking home and she trashed them on the way. She later wrote about this in her diary. The symbolism might jar her memory and be a good thing. I dont know.

   My plan would then be to start the post cards as you suggest. Ultimately if she does not file divorce… I was planning to go down to FL and look her up and try to meet and talk…. which could be good or it could be bad. I’ve lost over 50 lbs and will lose another 50 and will look incredibly better than what she left behind, I think its worth a shot and at least I would have some closure. If she doesnt want me back ever, then we could finalize and move on.. It’d be better than sitting. in the dark…

   One thing I found interesting was a psychologist I discussed this situation with said he believed she did not know what she wants…
   She did tell a mutual friend initially that she was confused …soon after she left…

   Any tips you can offer are appreciated…

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   • Hello, AC.  I hear you.  I printed out your posting and then tried to sort it by issue.  Finally I just stopped.  “Tis another fine mess you’ve got there,” I said.  My first question was “how old are you both.”  I guess the letter seems to speak of a lot of chaos, fragments of problems, solutions, theories that haven’t worked out well. Sorry for what must be a lot of distress for both of you.

     Of course the solutions are nearby, cuz the mess is mostly what you two are generating.  (I’m purposely avoiding the contributions of her family – your dad.) 

     So, my first thought is that this is the inside of the Power Struggle and you are fooling around with the Divorce Door – Door #3. (Refer to my Map of Relationship for where you are.)  

     I am guessing, from the length of your posting and from your comment about not wanting to appear “needy”, that you are the Clinger. Most people who come here are. So one issue your’ facing is probably that of Reliable Membership. 

     I am guessing that the core issue in the relationship is about temper, judging, criticising, bullying, arguing, blaming, otherwise known as the “thrashing around in the middle of a Master/Slave approach.”  It will never work. “You can either be right or in relationship. Take your pick.”  If your dad and mom were in that when you were a kid, and dad (‘narcissistic’) is probably still at it, then it will be deeply built into you both and harder to shake. Not impossible!

     I don’t have a strong impression about whether this gal will hang around long enough for you two to figure out your parts (remember you are only 50% to blame) and to fix your bits. But I am often surprised by how people do “hang on.”

     Lastly communication seems a real problem.  My guess is that you are mostly a talker/sender and need to become a master listener.  Sounds as if she either isn’t good at sharing with someone like you or you don’t listen or both. Gotta fix that.  Make yourself into someone she wants to share it all with.  Then no surprises.

     If you guys are a young as it sounds, you have lots of time! (I didn’t start really working on my skills until my 50s.)

     My website is full of the answers to your puzzles. Read on. 

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     • hi Al, we both just turned 37. Thank you very much for your response and I will take time to review all you recommend. Much appreciated!

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       • Well, AC, that suggests that you both have a good deal of experience with relationship-attempts.  That’s useful.  My approach is to identify where to put your energy in learning to do better at making reliable peace and companionship with others.  Mistakes are very valuable in locating focus areas. People repeat their mistakes in multiple relationships, cuz they haven’t learned their skills yet, and those repetitions can really help identify problems.  I hate putting energy into fixing things that are of low importance or “that aren’t broken.” 

       • Absolutely Al.. My wife has had similar issues in past relationships. The men in her life often just shut down, avoided her, cut off all communication and walked on “eggshells” around her. From what she’s described there was a wall or great distance put up, and one of her bf’s she left without notice also.

         Without trying to place blame, the truth is my wife has a hormone imbalance which causes her to have severe cycles and lots of female issues due to ramped up estrogen. I cannot recall the name of this disorder. I regret not pushing her to get treatment. Many of our ‘crazy nights’ were connected to her periods, followed by serious depression issues. She would often get very upset and do crazy, irrational things which put herself and others into danger, esp. in combination with alcohol which helped to ease cramp pain but…caused her behavior to be even more crazy. Even though I knew it was coming…I watched the calendar closely–it was still very hard for me to handle and deal with. Its like a truck coming at you and you know its coming but you just cant get out of the way and it nails you every time!

         Her extreme mood swings caused me to become very defensive and this became a huge problem. I’m trying to learn how to look past all of that and understand her distress signals.

         Further, I’ve discovered I have adrenal issues and have taken steps to remedy this and its helped tremendously. I refuse to be groggy or mood any longer and I am losing weight and feeling 100x better and not going to quit until I hit my goals.

         Thank you for your optimism. I believe my main issue right now is getting past her coldness towards me, to get her to realize I am very sorry for my failures and that I’m changing for the better and we can fix and restore our issues. The more I read your website and talk with counsel, I really do believe we have many textbook issues that can be remedied.

         I am planning to write her a letter in response to her recently discovered plea, with the hopes it will finally provide some validation for her feelings and perhaps rekindle some old thoughts. Then I will send some things for her birthday and lastly begin the weekly postcard series that you recommend. I want to call her up in the worst way…but I realize that would be bad.

         Thank you Al

       • Dear AC, (Reminder that what you are posting here about your wife and your theories about her, are online, and likely to remain there for years. These aren’t private posts.) Well, that’s a lot more information. It is fun to read between the lines and see how you are learning to see your part in all this.

         I’m gonna rewrite your first paragraph. “I’ve observed that my wife has had what I think are similar problems in past relationship. She picked men who often shut down, avoided her, didn’t talk and acted frightened.” She picked me, too, cuz I can do that. Of course I learned to do that “shutting down” by being around my dad, who gave us all reason to shut down, and mom who showed us how. My wife’s told me that communication really broke down with most of her bf’s and one was strong enough to walk away. Of course he didn’t tell her first, or she wasn’t listening.”

         By the way you’ll get the idea that both the Master and Slave postures are part of the same being and couples can readily switch sides. I imagine you witnessed your parents switching, and also imagine that when she’s being “noisy” and you are “laying low”, that also will remind you of your parents. Quit that laying low stuff, but don’t replace it by being a bully.

         I’m glad you notice things your wife does or did. Of course your job is to do the wise thing when she doesn’t do the wise thing. A “crazy night” takes two of you choosing to be crazy. Making that night a “sane night” only takes one person.

         If you are in the mood to write her and try to validate her feelings, you might try to start that validational approach right now.

         She makes sense all the time and in every action she does

         She never did anything crazy or irrational. She only did things that made sense to her and that you neglected to understand and foolishly labeled as “crazy” or “irrational”.

         The old thoughts of loving you are there, but they are probably lying hidden under the newer thoughts of what a pain in the ass you have become. I didn’t find that apologizing did any good, cuz my pain in the ass behavior made sense to me at the time, my wife was used to me promising to change and then falling back. And besides you can’t successfully “forget about it.” Doesn’t work.

         I really understand about that “want to call her up in the worst way” stuff. Unfortunately I found that was based on the childhood delusion that she wanted to listen to me. First I had to address that overwhelmed feeling in my partner. That meant I had to learn to listen and be patient a whole lot. It was hard for me — at first.

         You may notice I don’t even pay attention to the labels you put on her i.e. “ramped up estrogen” etc. To me those are problems for you two to work together on, not to use as excuses to avoid the work ahead.

         My guess is that addictive processes and codependency are pretty involved in both of you. Just my guess. Keep a going.

       • Right Al, I definitely find your paragraph approach much wiser. Validation is hard esp. at this point considering she has ignored all communication attempts. She has not blocked me, except on her phone nor told me to leave her alone. She blocked me on FB but then unblocked me–perhaps she still wants to “watch me” from afar.

         Do you think sending anything on her birthday will validate her in any way and show importance or cause her to go away further. I would send flowers and a card and I have a gift which I believe will be symbolic to her. I’m afraid that doing nothing will validate her decision to leave and show that she is unimportant to me…

       • Hello AC, My guess is that we are using the word “Validation” differently so beware of miscommunication. My thinking is that you cannot Validate her at all unless you have her chatting with you. But you can PreValidate her all the time.

         You say she has ignored all communication attempts. I am assuming that means from “you,” and that she is talking to other people. But who knows? Still my guess is that she chooses not to respond to you for some damn good reasons that you haven’t addressed/resolved yet. My guess (how often I say that!) is that you have “sucked to talk to” in the past. The specifics of that are very important to you so that you can address them. Probably right now all you have are guesses.

         Facebook or texting is usually for me a terrible way to try to communicate. I’d use them only to make appointments for a better communication setting (phone or face-to-face). She wants to “watch you from afar”. Well that’s good. She hasn’t give up all hope. Use your time well.

         Until you have figured out what’s going on in your communication that makes her want to get away, I would not send her anything that implies work or obligation on her part. Cut flowers, lo cost, is a good idea. A plant would be a bad idea. Anything that implies a “promise” is probably no good. An inexpensive card is good. A symbolic gift sounds really “wrong.” Of course you can do anything you want. And I would make sure you are at that once a week kind of contact until she shows she wants more contact.

         The more you write, the more I like her.

       • She’s a fantastic woman… that’s why I married her! Last time we spoke was November..she said it was a good icebreaker.. However afterwards, I got very irritated by her comments and responded with an email “you’re right.. I’m horrible..just file for divorce and finish what you started.” How foolish… She wrote back saying “sounds like you don’t want to work on anything…if you want the divorce then you file it.” Since then she has not responded to anything…nada..

       • Well, saying she’s fantastic doesn’t quite include all her warts, but ok. I was thinking more about how her warts are challenging you to continue growing up.

         And that sounds like a normal silly interchange, “No, you divorce” “No, you divorce.”

         If she hasn’t done anything since November, then I would launch pretty soon into the “When to Fold ’em strategy.” (By the way, how many words (email, text, FB, etc) have you sent toward her since November?) If you’ve been ‘writing’ a lot, then wait for a couple of weeks of silence, and then start. If you haven’t written anything to her since November, then go ahead soon. You have a life to live.

       • Well..after she told me to file if I didn’t want to work on it.. I cooled off a bit and left some messages which in retrospect, probably show I was out of touch, and had no understanding of the why’s involved with why she left. After no response, to any of my attempts I got pretty angry and I sent some angry emails, like an idiot. I then sent an apology. Sent some text msgs for Xmas and NY…tried calling approx 1x a week or so, no answer. She blocked my number. I realized I was just pushing her away and stopped all attempts. I did send a spa card on Valentines–she hasn’t used it and didnt return any calls from the spa to set up an appt. I did speak with a counselor who suggested I say some things to help heal her heart from my wounds, and sent a brief 2 page letter the first week of March. My plan was to respond to her apologetic letter, which she left 1 week prior to leaving that I have just recently discovered and then fall into the “when to fold em” plan… I wouldn’t be surprised if she is seeing someone else, I heard rumors that she met someone she did like which makes ignoring me so much easier…

       • Well, AC, that’s a lot of communicating from you to her without you knowing the impact and not much from her to you with her experiencing pleasant impact. I would guess anything like promises from you (I’m sorry, I won’t do that again) will just be painful to her. She’s fallen for those before in her life.

         I’m thinking she wants a happier life and you should want to be part of her getting that. That way she’d stick with you. Remember that whatever makes her select ‘dorks’ is still working and then next guy will eventually probably seem worse than you. If you can significantly work on yourself, and she can see it, then you win. Go for it.

         Get rid of that temper. Oh, and tell your dad to do the same.

       • Al thank you for all of your input and wisdom! One thing I am scratching my head over.. I sent a message to her asking “Is it over. Please just tell me” and she saw it but never responded. Why not just respond? Why not say look I am moving on.. She’s apparently told family & friends that she will divorce me… Why not just tell me?

       • The starting place, AC, is that she makes sense in not responding. Get that principle down.

         A couple of different thoughts. First you were using MasterTalk – asking her for a “fact.” MasterTalk, as I’ve learned over years, sends a threat to the addressed person. I’m not surprised she didn’t answer. And, of course, she makes sense.

         My second guess is that she’s not wanting to be “blamed” for the “ending decisions,” and that you didn’t either. But you didn’t mind her blaming herself. Tis all about responsibility and people not wanting to take responsibility. My guess is both of you’ve been emotionally pounded for making decisions in the past. If you’d asked it a little differently, you might have gotten a different answer.

         Another reason I guess is that you’ve done a lot of blaming in the past, and she can sniff you trying to blame her. (I bet she has done a bunch of blaming, too.) Boy! might there be a lot of stuff to clean up. The Power Struggle about Master/Slave is all full of blame and threat.

         I am more interested in why you want her to be responsible? You can stop this relationship any time. Do you want it to stop? Do you want a divorce? If “yes”, then do it. If “no,” then act that way. Do not wait for her to make up your mind. It’s all in my paper on the Power of Passivity.

         Well, that’s what I’m thinking.

       • Alright… are you suggesting I should skip the “when to fold em bit” and just let her know I’d like to talk if she is willing about filing the divorce?

       • Nope. I think you misunderstand me. If you want this relationship, tell her so, and invite her “along with you to work on remaking it or building it anew.” You may have to use the 10 week process to find out if she’s willing at all. But that way you are working and giving her plenty of notice.

         If you don’t want this relationship, go see a lawyer, start the papers, and see where that leads you. That’s what I think.

       • And do you recommend letting her know that I’ve been changing for the better.. with my health, counseling, etc.?

       • Of course, as part of the four steps. Work on yourself – visibly. Don’t make any promises. Be brief.

3. I have been served with divorce papers. I have 2 children that I do not want to have them in a broken home. I cheated on my wife 3 years ago and cut off all correspondence with the affair immediately, did everything I thought was right .. Yet she is still holding on to the anger and bitterness. I’ve lost weight, been going to church and doing more things to show her I have and am changing from what made us grow apart.

   There may be another man involved now but she wont admit it. I want to show her I can be that man she deserves and needs. Not this other man who is honestly a scumbag / alcoholic who has no pot to piss in. We have to deal with each other for the rest of our lives through our children and I want to be her support system. I want it to heal. I feel like every effort I make just pushes her further away but she is also pushing her family away that cares and taking poor advice from the scumbag.

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   • Oh wow, Robert, Sounds rather bluntly painful. Like a 2 by 4 to the face. Ouch. I hear lots of frustration. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were some court to report all this too – a court of fairness? How can I be of help?

     There’s lots of stuff here for me to guess about. I, and you, sure don’t want your kids to experience a broken home. I didn’t want mine to have that experience. Even separating and filing for divorce is plenty for kids to absorb. My guess is that you both will see some scaring on them way into the future. Sad.

     Fixing this situation seems to me less expensive than going out and finding a new partner – then doing all this again. So look at my to give yourself my ideas of what you can do next.

     I certainly recognize that bit about “everything I do, pushes her away.” I think that is just a recognition of the idea that “what you are doing” is dysfunctional – leading you away from what you want. You can keep doing those things or seek something new to do.

     My guess is that one factor is that you a stubborn or persevering and thus it takes a big shock to “wake you up.” I was, so this situation seems familiar.

     Keep a going and learn as much as you can,, as quick as you can.

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4. First. The information here is quite helpful. I would’ve done things totally differently with my current situation had I not sought out advice from AlTurtle.

   My ex-girlfriend and I met overseas about 3.5 years ago. We were friends for a long time. We didn’t start dating until the fall of 2011. It was a really fun time for us. We were so attracted to each other. She left in the spring of 2012 to explore Australia. She had planned this previous to our initial getting together. I played it cool and let her go. Who was I to stop her? I was still under contract, so stayed put. Immediately after she left, I wondered why I let her go so easily.

   I mulled for months and thought about her ALL THE TIME. I did good things for myself to stay healthy and enjoy my time, but maintained contact with her all the while. She was not sure if she wanted to be together after the 5 months apart. But, we would both be able to be mobile and could go anywhere at that point. I gave her a list of options, and she eventually decided to come live and work with me in Turkey. One month countdown to our meeting in Istanbul. I was so HAPPY.

   Unbeknownst to me, after having made this commitment, she spent her last 3 weeks with a guy in SE Asia. I met her in Turkey and things were grande. I’m finally with the love of my life to continue to build a solid relationship. Well, 3 weeks into our new life, I found a picture that had been deleted on our shared computer. I won’t go into it, but I was mortified. She ‘cheated’ on me. But, she promised never to do it again. And she never did.

   I was angry with her for a really long time. Would bring it up on occasion when it popped into my mind. I showed an impulsive temper and scared her sometimes. But, I was really hurt. Eventually, I forgave her. What else was I going to do if we were going to move on?
   Not a great year there. I took a few weeks to visit family. She took a few weeks. We met up to do some hiking all over Canada and the U.S. Then we went and worked on farms and lived in a tent (24/7) for over 4 months. Stressful times. I broke promises that I couldn’t keep. Hanging out with friends too long. Not calling. Etc.

   We took a few more weeks to visit our families for Christmas this past year. I came down to Central Am. to set up an apartment and living conditions for us here. She met me shortly after. It only lasted a month…and she has been gone for about 4 weeks. I didn’t see her until about 2 weeks ago. One very coincidental (or fate, one might say) meeting on her birthday in a town so far away from where we had lived. We talked about things and she made me leave because it would be too emotionally raw for me to stay.

   I went to where she was 5 days later with a gift, which she loved, but was not supposed to be there. So, I left again.

   I don’t email her everyday. I stopped pushing. I have made drastic changes in a very short period of time and have had countless people (fam, friends, strangers) mention this. I keep the emails short and sweet. She is too ‘raw’ at this point to even be friends. She has said that I was an angry man, focused too much on the negative and was obsessive about having my opinion heard. She didn’t feel like she could share anything with me.

   So, how long do you wait? We had so many plans together. It’s just all unfolded into me being lost now. But, I am working on controlling my impulses all the time. I continue to make myself accountable for everything. But, I don’t want her to ‘move on’. I leave the country in a few weeks. I have no idea what she’ll do and am afraid to ask. But, she is happy that I’m finding solutions to my issues and knows that I WILL make it. But she doesn’t trust me. As if it is not permanent. I want to maintain contact with her, but the 4 steps are difficult. Thanks for listening.

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   • Ah, my friend J,  Seems like you are in a “learning spot.”  Years ago a wise person told me a great teacher is one “who puts students in a position that they can’t get out of without learning.”   He didn’t say it was easy, getting out of that spot, just that the way out is through lots of learning.  I think your gal has put you here.  Sorry, or maybe I should salute you.  Go for the learning in front of you.  

     I was thinking of what to say that might be helpful.    Couple of things and questions. 

     First of all,, don’t take it all on yourself.  Happily ( if you can ) take on 50% of it and no more.  Then focus on your 50%.   Leave her 50% to her – as her responsibility.  

     Second thing is to encourage you to celebrate that wondeful feeling you had (have) when you “thought about her ALL THE TIME.”  That’s Imago stuff and wonderful and very wise.  (Map of Relationships stuff.)  

     Now, work toward it more thougthfully.  What is that “”too emotionally raw” stuff you speak of twice?  What have you done/she done that stirs up that phrase. 

     Get rid of that “anger” or “temper” as a tool to get what you want.  Read the Master/Slave material.

     Share with me what’s so difficult about the four steps.  Those difficult things probably point directly toward some of what you need to learn. 

     Good luck. 

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5. My gf left me alone because I made some nonsense to her… but I really love her
   I cant live without her…. although she is with me as a friend but I know she is doing this so that I can b happy…. I want her. Please suggest me something so that I can make her happy and smile… she is kept on saying that we are friends now bt cant be in a relation.. what should I do now

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   • One thing you can do is start where you are, you “loving her” and she “being your friend”, and then earn her love.  You cannot lose if you learn ways to earn someone’s love.  Check out this short article on Earning and then go on to learn like crazy.  Learn to make her feel heard, feel understood, feel cared-for, feel safe, etc. in your presence.  Tis not magic, though it sometimes seems like it, but it certainly is a lot of work learning these skills.  Use your “love for her” to help you do the learning. 

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