My gosh, people get this simple issue so confused. It isn’t all that difficult. Click here for my poster fullsized.
In a relationship, no matter what goes on, both are responsible for part of it.
Language of Blame
If you are blaming your partner, then you are usually trying to assign them too much responsibility, and some or all responsibility for your stuff. If you are accepting guilt (passive blaming) for a situation, usually you are taking on yourself too much, and some or all of their responsibility. I call both the Language of Blame. Either way doesn’t work. (Check out the Power of Passivity.)
The best way to go is to get help seeing what is your part (responsibility) and what is their part (responsibility). This is all about Boundary Skills. Learn ‘em. Then focus on your part and do something about it. Pay relatively small attention to their part, cuz you can’t make them change anyway. They have to do that. Learn! (By doing your part and refusing to do their part, they will have to start working. Check out my story on the Old Dog.)
My suggestion is to hold tightly to the “idea” that everything is 50–50, (there are no fault-o-meters, friends.) but remember that your 50% is vastly bigger than theirs – or it is best to see it that way. Here’s my second poster on this topic.
Remember: None of us are dumb, but we may be really poorly trained to fly a great relationship. Learn, practice, apply, and fly well!
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