Guilt, Fault, and Who is to Blame

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My gosh, people get this simple issue so confused.  It isn’t all that difficult.  Click here for my poster fullsized.


In a relationship, no matter what goes on, both are responsible for part of it. 

Language of Blame
If you are blaming your partner, then you are usually trying to assign them too much responsibility, and some or all responsibility for your stuff.  If you are accepting guilt (passive blaming) for a situation, usually you are taking on yourself too much, and some or all of their responsibility.  I call both the Language of Blame.  Either way doesn’t work. (Check out the Power of Passivity.)

The best way to go is to get help seeing what is your part (responsibility) and what is their part (responsibility).  This is all about Boundary Skills.  Learn ‘em.  Then focus on your part and do something about it.  Pay relatively small attention to their part, cuz you can’t make them change anyway.  They have to do that.  Learn! (By doing your part and refusing to do their part, they will have to start working.  Check out my story on the Old Dog.)

My suggestion is to hold tightly to the “idea” that everything is 50–50, (there are no fault-o-meters, friends.) but remember that your 50% is vastly bigger than theirs – or it is best to see it that way.  Here’s my second poster on this topic.


Remember:  None of us are dumb, but we may be really poorly trained to fly a great relationship. Learn, practice, apply, and fly well!

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Guilt, Fault, and Who is to Blame — 2 Comments

  1. Yup, this might not be the right place. But, people seem to leave their comments where they want to. That's ok with me. Thanks for visiting.
    Thanks for your encouraging comment. Actually, I have often thought of writing a book. Many, many people have suggested it. I have spoken with friends who are authors and who have encouraged me. I have created outlines of one or another. Still I have not written one.
    Last fall (2006) I settled for the idea that my website is a book or perhaps a “body of writing” that could be compiled into one. It represents my personal and growing knowledge about relationships. I tend it, and keep it all in my head. That is what keeps it consistent.
    I see no reason that this all cannot be put into a book, but I fear I may not be the one to do it. The troubles of writing a book just don't seem to be worth it – yet. I told this to a friend who secretly started to write his version of a book based on my website.
    His version is written, and in editing. He has given me a copy, and also has handed it out to some other friends. I think he plans to get it published. I am encouraging him. It is called Turtle Logic and the University of Life by Kevin Scott Dodson and is listed on my page on Books I Read.

  2. Al, this comment isn't about this article per se, but I couldn't figure out how to make a general comment.
    I have found your articles quite useful. Have you thought about writing a book?

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