What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
I’m 25 and my husband is 28 we’ve been married 18 months and together 4 years. In January he said we needed space, I’d made him feel suffocated. 16 months ago we relocated 300 miles away for his career – a singer, in which I’ve worked in the day and then driven him to every gig (6 sometimes 7 nights a week) as he’s only just passed his driving test in January just after he left. I have had no time to create a social life or make any real friends as my life has revolved around my job and then his, so I can understand a little how it could have felt suffocating.
He stayed with friends and came to see me weekly stating each time he felt no differently, then after 4 weeks or so he said he wasn’t in love with me, but said he would try, just wouldn’t move back in. He didn’t try, no lunches out or days anywhere. I was sort of waiting for him because I didn’t want to push him into anything. Then after about 2 months he said he couldn’t see it working with us, and at that point stopped wearing his wedding ring. He’s just recently moved into his own flat but is proceeding to pay half my rent as he earns a lot more than I do. He now speaks to me more than he did when he first left and in the 2 weeks he’s had his own place, has invited me round 3 or 4 times – in which of course I went! But it’s was just friendly and casual and honestly broke my heart!
There’s been no mention of divorce which gives me some hope, I got married forever and am not willing to just give up although it seems hopeless. I am however making an appointment this week with the doctor as I’m struggling through everyday, feeling like I’ve lost who I am. He has been my world and now I’m not sure what to do
Ow, Shannon! That hurts. On the other hand, I wish I had been only 25 when I learned that I was “married forever” and had habits that would drive my partner away. It does seem hopeless, and is, if you don’t do your part gathering new skills. Sadly, I didn’t start learning till I was much older. like 50. Wasted a lot of time.
I wrote my whole website for people like you. Read on. Maybe start with the Map.
Hey, my gf of 4 years left me, for another guy, she said she clicked well with him, he was rich and yeah, i believe i was really really nice to her and all and treated her like a real women bought the best and always saw the best in her, i guess i wasn’t great, and currently i’m working out for 6pacs so she can come back to kiss my ass and tell me how sorry she is, sorry thats just life, i’m dealing with it too.
Depending upon your age, Don, I’d share different thoughts.
If you are young, say 25-35, I’d probably say, “Bummer! there sure is a lot of moving around and trying out different partners during those years. I hear the anger and the sense of being betrayed by her. Might want to learn how to handle the situation with a little less wear and tear. Learn to accept life’s changes without bitterness and blaming. Glad you are dealing with it. Good luck.”
If you are a bit older, say 35-55, I would probably say, “Bummer! I hear the hurt and that feeling of being betrayed. On the other hand you might want to check into how you didn’t see this coming. Probably she wouldn’t have ‘clicked’ with him, if she had not already been ‘not clicking’ with you. Lots to learn. If you want her back, chances are pretty good if you work at it. Good luck.”
Well Al….I’m 43 and I have been with her nearly 8 years. I couple years ago I made the mistake, I cheated and lied. No reasons, no excuses….I just was an idiot.. period. At that time she decided to stay and work through it. I asked her at that point, If you stay, you have to stay in heart mind and soul, not just body or it wont work, we wont really have a chance with time. We moved on but the distance between us was evident, I could just feel it. The longer we went on, the colder, more distant she seemed to get, the more I pursued it. I was frustrated, scared, and felt her slipping away little by little but the more that happened, the more I pushed , the more she felt pressured. She said it was like a scab you wont quit picking but after a year and a half with no movement on her part I was at my wits end with no perspective. So, I pushed more she pulled away, round and round in a vicious cycle until she said she was so tired of the cycle, she said she was leaving which is where we are now. I messed up, I pushed like from your articles here is the natural but totally
wrong thing to do. I read your information here too little too late. So here I am, knowing the reasons this occurred, yes I cheated, but the pushing her to show effort and be proactive in trying to repair us, that pressure caused her to break. That’s when I to read here, but after the last 2 years or so, it was already done, her decision is made. I see the errors since I cheated, I have learned that we all need our own space and time to heal, forgive, and move past trauma. So my hope, with time and your recommendations here, that if I remove all pressure and contact, let her breathe, that eventually down the road 5-6 months with the contact plan from you, that with no pressure she can move past this all and see the love for me that I know still exists. There are many signs of that love, but right now, her lizard says run, he cant take the pressure off, he will never be different. I will change, show her I can be the man she fell in love with and better, for me, her and us. This break up is the only chance I and we have. She knows it and so do I. She says the future door is closed and locked to me but not welded shut. I know I have seen the errors of my ways, she just doesn’t believe it. Only time and effort on my part will tell. I hold on to hope…. Time, no pressure, space, understanding, a change of being in me, ….that she opens up and wants us again.
Well, now, that’s a lot better information. My guessing is much more informed, now. Ok. An affair – unresolved. It still made sense and while you might think of it as a mistake, it was/is probably a source of a lot of clues to other mistakes (i.e. things to learn). That event triggered or unleashed Clinger/Avoider stuff which is still running rampant. And both are probably covered by deep poor-communication skills. Your style of pushing sounds very bully-like – want her to do it “my way.” So my guess is you are both relatively deep into Master/Slave. AND some time ago she reached the point of thinking you are “hopeless” and “will never change”. How am I doing?
Based on my guesses, this is a pretty optimistic situation for you. You can’t go back to the way you were at first, nor she. But you can learn and move forward. Go for that University of Life, fast as you can. The way is open.
I realize now we cant go back to who and what we were as individuals or as a couple. I plan to learn all I can from your wisdom here. I am bolstered by your thoughts that this is optimistic at this point. #1….TAKE ALL THE PRESSURE OFF, LET HER BREATH AND RELAX. The hopeless and never change….right on….sounds like you’re quoting her. So other that space, time, the plan from this article as well as the ” When to fold ’em” article, me learning and evolving, any other recommendations other than hope and pray?
Dear Steve, more like “learn asap and show it!” “Taking pressure off her” is something to learn. I suggest you find someone or someones who can help you in learning and in giving you another point of view into how fast you are growing.
I will keep this short but have a couple questions. I am in the middle of being left. I have done all the wrong things and made it worse. This article has given me a road map to any possibility of getting her back. My questions- 1. she is still living with me….will be in the process of moving over the next week….how to I act during this period? help her move? stay away? its so hard because of the loss and pain. 2. At what point should this road map be put into place? How long after she is completely gone do I start the process? Thanks for your wisdom to this point. All I have at this point is this plan, hope, and prayer.
Dear Steve, My ideas are that you start the plan now. Right now. No pushing, take care of yourself, learn visibly, be available minimally. It may be that if you do this she will start dragging her feet in moving out.
Do not assist her in moving. Let her solve the “labor” issue without your help. Once she’s on her own she’ll have to do it all. You helping is kind of like “helping her cut your throat.” Don’t be nasty about it. Just say, “that’s too much for you.”
Good luck.
Thank you for your response and guidance ! I suppose I should have asked on the start time a little more specifically. I have read many articles here and especially found the Lizard enlightening….she is in full Lizard mode. I have adjusted my actions as suggested in this article with the Lizard understanding. I want to know at what point to start the message/contact process as spelled out in “When to fold ’em” . She will be moving out slow as work allows her over the next week or so. At what point to I send the first message? Obviously not now…she’s still here….but once completely gone….then wait to send first message for how long? Thanks again for your guidance !
A fascinating question, not so much because of it’s context, but because of its timing. “Why would this fella ask about ‘When to Fold ’em’ before his partner has left the house?” I know you make sense, Steve. I’m just trying to guess at your sense. Are you already wanting her to go away? That’s a possible thought. Are you so sure that she’s made her determination to leave you and that nothing will make her change her mind? Something else? Well, its fun thinking – and guessing.
Simple answer is I would wait … (I’m waving my finger in the air to make a guess) a month after she leaves. During that 30 days I assume she gives you no contact. By the way, as long as she gives contact, I would think you should use the 4 steps in this article.
I’m still curious about why you ask?
Well Al it seems like I have caught your interest. I guess my logic goes like this…. If I have been doing all the wrong things… which is evident from what I read here and the fact that she IS leaving…I have only 1 choice…accept it and make the best effort I can for me as well as any effort to get her back. I see her lizard mode being almost entirely engaged.. at the house, with me, all the time. The only way to break this cycle is to follow through with the plan in this article followed by the contact schedule and contact style set forth in When to fold “em. I see that as the next logical step in any attempt to be with her again. Do I want her to go away, in my heart no….but my head says YES….because that’s my only shot at really holding on and possible shot for us. Even though its hard….it has to be. So I’m in phase 2 we could call it, 1 being learning what and why….LIZARD…. phase 2….this article, NO PUSH….CHECK, SURVIVE….CHECK, WORK ON ME VISIBLY….CHECK, MINIMAL AVAILABILITY….CHECK. So what’s next? Wait a month and start contacting as stated in When to fold ’em. I guess the timing question you have raised….why now?….There’s only one direction possible, accept this and move forward the only way I can…..so here I am, following your advice and praying. Acceptance and Hope. Love to hear your input. Thanks Al !
Well, Steve, let’s then look at how you got yourself into this fine mess. How old are you? How long you been with this gal? What are you doing that is driving her away and why you doing it? What are you doing to change it? What are you doing / being that is so threatening to her Lizard? Where’d you learn to do the things that threaten her/people? Remember 50% of the troubles are yours and you can change that.
Dear Al and other,
my 9 weeks PREGNANT girlfriend left me a week ago, I’m 27 and she is 25. we are from different countries and we was planning to get married soon.
everything was going great until we realized she is pregnant. I was always told her that i love to have family with her and i want to have a child from her, it is always true. but i made a BIG mistake and she left me alone.
when we noticed that she is pregnant, i was very happy at the beginning after few days I talk to my family about it, my family told me that it’s not a right time to have a baby and they suggest me in a negative way. I changed my mind and I told her that i want her to do abortion before it gets too late.
she try a lot to convince me to keep the baby by showing me love. but i was stubborn and couldn’t accept the baby. i told her that I don’t want the baby and i will leave her if she want to keep the baby.
everything between us get worse and worse, we did not respect each other for a month and we fight many times. she was feeling bad and I did not take care of her while she was in a bad mood pregnancy.
until a day that we had a bad fight and she get a ticket to her country and leave me.
i believe and I agree that I was totally WRONG. I just woke up and realized this is what I really wanted and I don’t know how should I say sorry to her, i feel that she hates me now.
I do really love her and i believe it’s a true love. but I did mistake, a very big mistake.
I try to contact her few times and she never response me, never reply and never answer my calls.
I even try to call her sister. her sister also doesn’t want to answer me.
I believe I can be a good husband and a good father if i given a chance.
Please advice me how can I get back to her?
Thank you.
What a perfectly horrid situation, Elvin, and the life of a tiny human is mixed up in your decisions. Oh, I am so sorry. A friend of mine from Guatemala shared the phrase, “Anyone can have a baby. It takes a whole pile of responsible work to raise one.” I believe that often women are much more serious about the tasks of raising kids than we men are. Well, I hope this situation helps you continue to become more responsible man. And “waking up” is an important part of “growing up.” Now, how can I help?
In this situation, “words” and particularly “promises” probably won’t work. My general rules (4 steps) are always appropriate. Plus you have a financial issue now. Raising children is an expensive process, taking lots of work and commitment. Without your help she and the child are somewhat “being starved.” Maybe she has a financial and family help support system. I really hope so. Maybe you can be part of that. At least offer it.
I personally don’t like the solution of an abortion. I’d love every kid to be welcomed into the world. But I realize in this tough world, that things don’t always happen the way I want them to.
And I welcome you to this tough old world. Best wishes.
Dear Al,
Thank you very much for you kind response, I really appreciate it.
I have read your article general rules (4 steps) and I have few questions.
during the past week I have try few times to contact her, message few times, calling her sister, overall I couldn’t talk to her and she never response any of my messages.
I am sure that she will never response any of my messages and she will never message me if I even wait for 100 years.
1) For how long should I give up all signs of pushing?
2) Is this a good option if I totally give up all signs of pushing, then show myself with some flowers after a month by buying a ticket to her home town ?
Please advice.
General Rule is that more than one contact attempt per week is pushing. And as she seems sensitive to pushing, then you should give that up for the rest of her life. In other words, if she’s silent, wait a week before trying any contact – at least until you know better.
Of course you can do whatever you want, but I think your idea of “dropping in” with flowers ain’t a good one. I could be wrong.