What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hi Al,
I’m having trouble with my current situation. My girlfriend of 7 months recently broke up with me because she did not feel as strongly about our relationship as before. That is the simplest way to put the reasoning for the break up. She insisted that she wanted to continue seeing me, but that something was off with her heart at the time (The ultimate “it’s not you, it’s me” cliche, which I truly believe to be the case). She has a history of depression, and I’m afraid that the break up has had a very severe toll on her health lately. In the 3 weeks since we split, she has texted me on all but two days. She believes the relationship should transition into a friendship, whereas I could not imagine having any contact with her outside of dating in the long term. I’ve heard the term “emotionally unavailable” before, and I’m wondering if this is the case? It seems to me that this could be a temporary problem for her that I am willing to stick out for. I am still wanting to salvage what we had going with us. Any sort of feedback would mean the world to me. Thank you for your time.
Patrick
Hello Patrick, I just referred to this kind of relationship as “relationship-lite.” I think they have all the same attributes as “relationship-heavy” but shorter. Check out my Map of Relationships to see how I believe these things proceed and to check out your options. Sounds as if for you two the Romantic Period wore off for your girlfriend – first. That “feels as if” she doesn’t have the strong feelings anymore, but is really about discovering truthes about herself and you. Those truthes spoil the nice fantasy she was in before. Romance is always built on a magnificent number of fantasies/dreams. So you have to deal with the truthes. Some truthes are fun and some involve having to learn a whole heck of a lot in order to deal with them.
One truth is in the “it’s not you, it’s me” cliche. Seems to me all about learning Boundaries and of course self-responsiblitiy. Then, too, there’s a lot to learn about depression and what is your role in dealing with it.
Another truth for you is that the Romantic Period always ends and transitions into a) fighting, b) learning and c) Vintage Love – a really exalted kind of friendship.
Oh, and by the way, I don’t see this as a temporary problem. This is big stuff, all about growing up. John Bradshaw was the first one I heard to call a committed relationship to be a profound “growth” agency.
Go for it, Patrick.
Hi Al,
I hope you would understand my situation even if I am young (19) for this kind of stuff. Well, I had moved with my boyfriend (21)of a year and 6 months last August ( we’ve been dating for 2 years up to date) . I just graduated high school back then, and since I am young and I did not know what I was doing I insisted on going to his college and moving in with him. Everything was fine except for constant arguments and at least once a month beatings. Because of the noise we caused from our arguments, we were forced to move out this month. We just actually moved. I know he loves me but what I do not understand is he wanted to move back home with his parents. Now, his mom constantly bickers at him day and night about his organization, cleanliness, bad character every single day. Why would he move back home if his mom is like that? At least living with me is a little bit better since I do not bicker at him for little stupid things like sleeping on the couch (for example). It is like he is taking the hard path instead of living with me. I am not sure how to process that in my mind. I always think he does not care about me since I moved in a state I do not even know, no friends/relatives to stay in contact with. I felt like he just tossed me in the dump. Now, we’re not broken up. He likes to think that this is still a happy, dandy relationship. But to me, the fact that he did not try to find an apartment with me so he can stay with me is an act of betrayal. I feel like my love for him was lost. And I just have little to no care for him.
Now, I might act sometimes that I do not want to love and care for him anymore. But deep inside me is still that longing for him. I want him to realize that he left me. He claims that it would be better for him to move back home since he can focus more and not worry about the rent or the bills. But the thing is, I am the one paying for both rent and bills. Also, his best friend (that he calls everyday and talks to him for 6 hours or more) lives very near where he lives. And their “best-friend” relationship is almost gay because its just too much interaction over the phone in one day. I do not understand how guys who claim to be straight be on the phone for that long talking about nothing, And the fact that he moved back home. It will be more day-to-day interaction between the two of them. So, how on earth is he going to focus on his studies? I do not really know.
I am not sure about what to do with him. For him, he claims that his life was at best when “we use to date long-distance and he would be at home playing games with his best-friend.” I am not really sure what he means by that but all I know he wants to have a relationship with me, but he wants to not see me everyday. I feel like the only way to get his attention is to be so far-away from him. What is going to happen if i choose to marry him? I would have to live on the other side of the world to keep our marriage?!?
I do not know what to do. Right now, I have made the decision of avoiding him. Since I know his classes in college, I try to take paths that he does not take on his way to class. I feel alone. And I need help.
Anj
Dear Anj, Sounds like the beginning of a healthy relationship that slipped quickly from Romantic Love into the Power Struggle. (Check out my Map of Relationships.) I think these “relationships-lite,” the ones we get into when we are younger, are very useful to help you find out what skills you need to focus on.
One clear problem that I think you have is found in your sentence “everything is fine except for constant arguments and at least once a month beatings.” First of all, arguments are a sign of a) severe foolishness that is b) unnoticed. If you argue, stop it – solve it. Check out my stuff on Master/Slave. Second, be clear that a beating is a criminal act, and if you think you are the “receiver” then I fear that someday you’ll be arrested as an accessory to a crime if you don’t report it. Stop that, now. While physical violence occurs most commonly in intimate relationships, it is still a crime. And I firmly believe both parties are equally responsible for this.
Learn like crazy. Good luck.
Hi Al,
Wow where do I begin. So I’ve been together with my partner for 8 1/2 years, we got married last year in September. We met when we were 17 and 18 and always had a lot of fun together, we traveled the world, have the same goals, life plans and ideas. We fitted.
After we got married, he moved overseas to start his new job. While I waited for him back in our home country to decide when to come over once he was settled. So we we’re waiting, and December came around and we thought it would be a great opportunity for him to come back and have a summer holiday. December rolls around, he arrives and everything about him has changed. He’s distant, not communicating, always on his phone (to his new friends from work and in the city he lives). This goes on for a couple of weeks, and I finally break and ask him what is up. He tells me he is unsure of what we have and that he’s confused, that he is having a “quarter life crisis”. So I drop it, and give him a bit of space (even though it was eating me up, and I was confused as to what was going on).
When he arrives back in home (his new city), he tells me over skype that he’s not in love with me any more and that he never wanted to get married (even though he proposed and wanted the marriage). He found that he was happier without me and that he’s enjoying having his time alone and new found freedoms. We finish talking, hang up and then he rings me an hour later saying he’s making a mistake and he doesn’t know what he wants.
So this goes on for a couple of weeks, getting upset, breaking up and then getting back together. It finally happened where he said he only wanted to be friends, and that he still wants me to join him in the new city and go from there.
I’m just so confused as to what it is we go from? I love him but how can I trust him? Does he love me still, even though he has said he hasn’t in calls. I’m angry at him for abandoning me, given that we supported each other to get where he is today and now he has it he is free to throw us away.
Where do I go from here?
Hello Alex, Sounds like lots of chaos. Wow. No wonder you’re confused. Early part of relationships always has lots of imaginations about each other and over time those get cleared up, but two seem to be going at it pretty hard. Go slow, and get information. Next step is one foot in front of the other. Tis nice to say you love him, but who is it that you say you are loving. I like the phrase, “I love the person I dream about when you show up.” Helps me separate the person I love from the real human in front of me. Check out my Map of Relationships. Sounds like you are zipping through the Power Struggle. Good luck.
Hi Al,
I have been living away from home for the last 6 months. Initially it was to give us some space after a particularly scary fight that turned physical. For the last few months I have followed the advice here and limited my contact with my wife, even after she said she wanted a divorce. Now, I’d like to return home. My wife does not want me to and has said she will leave if I do but I see the physical distance only making our relationship deteriorate faster. Can I move back home without violating her sense of boundaries and making her feel pursued?
Dear Kyle, To your question, I inclined to say, “Probably not.” But remember, Boundary skills are all about being self-defensive or protective. So if you move home, you offer you wife a chance practice her boundary skills. Of course, she may practice the skills of leaving/getting away. To have a great relationship both people need superb boundary skills, so I encourage you to learn all you can as soon as you can.
And one last thing. One Boundary Rule is that “No one can make anyone feel anything.” So she may feel pursued or not as she decides. Good luck.
HI.
your work is worth reading… i have a problem. i am in love with a boy. we were having a normal relation for 1 year but then he suddnly started giving me cold shoulder. i used to have his fb paswrd then he changed it . i asked for the pasward for so many times but he refused indirectly. then one day i found a girl with her commnt on his status. ilked her profile and i saw his likes every where on her pics. it made me extreamly dejected . now the girl has blocked me on facebook and he is also ignoring me. i cried alot. i want him to clear everything. i asked him to tell me whats going on. why he is doing all this? why he wants to leave me. he says i do not want to leave me. but i know he wants to. I just want to save this ri want him back . help me. what should i do? i am helpless.
Dear Kanyan, One factor may be how old you two are. Finding a “right” person can take some time just because this guy is “right” for you doesn’t mean you are right for him. Just being in love sadly ain’t enough. Got to have that powerful reciprocity that being an Imago match brings. Your strong feelings probably are more a clue to how magnificent you are and your desire for Vintage Love is. May not be a powerful clue about him. If he is match, he’ll be back, probably. In the meantime I would suggest not ‘pursuing’ him. Be available and practice self care and patience. Good luck.