What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hi Al, I don't know if you remember me, it has been some time since I have visited your site. Thought I would update. After the last truly horrendous two years (spouse left after 24 yrs, 4 kids, me in total meltdown, and finally working through childhood issues that exploded during this time) I am emerging from the fog. Firstly I have learnt so much from your website – I stumbled across it when I really needed it. After going through the steps, putting up with a '3 month time out' stopping (at least I thought I did) clinger behaviours – spouse has not returned – and in fact we had a conversation a month ago where I asked him if he would give it another go now that everything has calmed down – answer 'no way'. So … acceptance. My kids chose me and my two younger ones (17& 15) are very angry with him, especially my daughter and refuse to have much to do with him. The thing I am now finding interesting Al is how a man who was a totally involved family man now has little to do with family – phones kids once a week and visits once a week, sometimes once a fortnight. Refuses to see that in leaving, has hurt family and keeps saying 'I left you – not them'. Posted a photo on facebook of him and a woman with loveheart caption – and when kids saw it – he denied he had done it, denies there is anyone else. I think the worst thing is that despite everything – I still love him. But I have come to see that perhaps this shows my character rather than his. Am planning life without him as I have now given up any hope that he will return and work through university of life to vintage love. I gave him 'Getting the love you want' (some time ago) to read, and I asked him what he thought of it. His reply was 'it's just someone's opinion' – says it all really.
Kez
Good questions, tho I would focus on not coming across as pushing and get to work on changing you so that it is easy to give her space. That is a lot of work.
Generally you can't go through Romantic Love with the same person a second time. Romance has a lot to do with the mystery (and dumbness) of not knowing each other – of dreaming. You probably know too much about each other to do that.
Better you should think of Door #1 starting whenever and wherever she starts to reach out to you.
You said in #1 that if your instinct is to call them once a week then call them once a month. But, you also said to wait for them to contact you. I wondering whether I should call her or text her very casually with no strings attached to possibly get a conversation started so I can apply what I have learned hear. But, I'm not sure if its a good idea.
I was with my girlfriend for a few years and she left me because she didn't have that feeling anymore. We had a lot of outside stress's in our relationship that I think made it harder. We are both in grad school and I moved home with my parents which made being with one another very difficult. We have been broken up for 5 weeks with no contact. How do I start a dialog with her? Giving her all this space is quite difficult. I wish she would stumble on this website, it has been a great resource for learning.
Also since we have already gone through door #3 do we try to go back to a romantic relationship and follow the path or do we go back to try to work on a vintage relationship?
Al,
Thank you for your honesty. I just hope I chanced upon this site BEFORE I got married.
I just took your advise and called a counselor for help. I have talked to my bestfriend who lives in Louisiana and moving there is now a plan.
Thanks for this wonderful site.
J-Marie
Wow, this seems a mess. I think it is big enough to immediately hire a friend/chauffer/mentor/counselor to walk with you in getting out of this situation. I see so much pain and mistakes. Life sure can suck.
Truth to say, I am not clear about where to start. So I first touch the issue of your “live by yourself.” I don't think that is a good idea at all.
Second issue is to begin to sort all this out with someone on your team. Has taken time to get here, so it may take some time to get out. Getting clear what is your stuff and separating it from his is very important. This all means you don't take care of him at all. Leave that to him. I think you should get going fixing your difficulties with the “taking care of you.”
“Part of me wants to fix it because I love him and I want to be with him.” Oh golly, this seems both beautifully dreamy and really dumb. You have been trying to fix it for a long time, and probably don't know how. And you want to be with him. But not without learning how to fix it. Wow.
Next steps will be dependent on what you find in the second step.
Good luck.