What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Dear Trying,
I do hope things worked out for you! It's been awhile since your last post.
As for me, not too much has changed. While I often dream (literally) of a reconciliation, I know its an impossibility at this juncture. Thankfully, there is financial support, but that's the extent of any communications……
I keep reading here…..it helps….
Please post-as I am wishing the best for you!
J.
Dear Trying,
You are correct in your analysis of the hurt of the partner that lead to the 'leaving'. I know it wasn't an easy-out, but rather a decision that took years. While I cannot get into the specifics here, I will say my story is much like the politician John Edwards n his wife, Elizabeth. The dynamics are complex and confusing to the spouse who is not fighting for their life. You sound like you are very intuitive and at peace with whatever direction your relationship goes. Al's advice is so valuable! Best of luck.
Hey janerohr,
Your situation sounds really tough and sorry to hear in ended in such a way. I don't know that I would have the preventiveness to compare my situation to your marriage of 16 years, obviously thats a far deeper connection than my relationship. I only dated my girlfriend for 2 years but we were really good friends for 4 years before that. So I feel like I'm losing someone who has been around me through some formative years and knows me well. We were a long distance relationship for the last ~7 months because of grad school I moved home with my parents. The distance wore on our communication. She started to feel like we weren't in a real relationship anymore.
I'm trying not to look at the situation as to whether she deserves my love. All I can say is I'm willing to give it. Much of my work in the last couple of months has been on disassociating myself from the control of the situation. That has not been easy. I realize I didn't take the time for her that I should have. I was focused on finishing grad school. Since I have to see her I figure I might as well go ahead and try to work on the communication. Can't hurt right?
I know denial plays a role in this sometimes. I try to keep a clear head about it. This site helps! But, I figure I've seen friends come out of these situations for the better. Whether they ended up back with their ex or moved on enough they could just be friends. Empathy certainly helps me to remember that what they must have been feeling to in order to end the relationship must have hurt them as well at some point. I just wish I would have seen it.
I am at the 2 year mark after my husband of 16 years left me…For another, more attractive girl. I will admit there are times of respite, but the pain is still right at the surface. I await the day of peace and serenity…So if you are in this same battle, just know there are no miracle cures. The heart heals at its own pace….
If your spouse has chosen a path that doesn't include you, let them go….as harsh as that sounds….they must find their way without you. And you will find your your inner strength to start a better life….yeah, I realize this must sound ridiculous. I'm in the same boat. Wishing the “love of my life” will come to his senses….that's the self protector “DENIAL.” So, while I may spend time wishing, its a waste of energy I could be spending elsewhere….the pain sucks. We didn't deserve it, but gain strength n move forward….cuz they left..and do not deserve the love u have in your heart to offer..
Hey Al,
I've still been working through your website, reading and re-reading articles. So far I have only talked to my ex once after the break up which was about one month after. Unfortunately I didn't find your website until after, so when I called, I started telling her how we could work on this relationship. I didn't get a great response but not horrible one either. She did say she agreed with all my theories but she said she was confused and didn't want to date anybody right now. I know I shouldn't have checked out my theories or tell her anything. I guess she was usually the master in the relationship so I overcompensated trying to sound confident.
I'm going to be seeing her in 2 weeks. We haven't had any contact since that one phone call. I will be of course working on not pushing and using pulling, which I have found harder than originally thought (I've been practicing on other people). My question is: Is there a good response in case she does ask that dreaded question, can we be just friends? I hope the conversation doesn't head in that direction but just in case she asks it.
I've gone over it in my head. Part of me would want to say yes. I don't see her that way of course. But, this could potentially hurt me down the road if I still have feelings for her. Do I have to be just her friend first? Is it deceiving if I say yes but really want her back?
Also, we are going to be in group of people because its a BBQ for mutual friend who is in town for the weekend. Do you think this is bad being in group friends? I'm not sure it will really allow for great communication. But hopefully it can at least show her I'm not pushing anymore.
Thanks Al,
You website has helped relax me, even if we don't get back together.