What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hi Al,
My husband and I have known each other for 14 years. We have been married only 2 ½ years. Majority of our relationship has been long distance because of his love for music and his desire to make it big. 2 years ago, he left his old band in Florida on a whim because an opportunity opened up for him in the Philippines. I didn’t have a choice but to let him move there because we were fighting constantly. I didn’t want him to fly there. I have to stay behind because I had to financially support him (for 2 years). Now, after 1 successful album and numerous weekly gigs, he doesn’t want to come back here in the States anymore. He comes here to visit 2x a year. Last time he was here was Holiday 2010. I got pregnant. While he was here, we both knew from several blood tests and ultrasound that the pregnancy is not going well. He was scheduled to leave Jan 31. I had begged him to stay for a few more weeks because I live by myself and I didn’t think I’d be able to handle the possibility of losing the baby by myself. He left as scheduled and I was devastated. Because of the inconsideration, I shut down. He was mad at first because I was not very responsive and my text messages were short and cold. It’s been 2 months since we lost the baby. And he wants a divorce. I am here wondering if it was my fault. I just really wanted him to own up to what he did. But all he ever did was text and threat. We hardly text anymore and everything is going down the drain. I am angry, depressed, confused. Part of me wants to leave because he clearly doesn’t want to be there for me when I need him. Part of me wants to fix it because I love him and I want to be with him. But at the same time, being with him always puts me in a dark place.
Thanks for your time. I hope you can give some advice.
J-Marie
Dear Tami, Must seem confusing to you. You started off by mentioning Master/Slave and Dialogical and then (from my point of view) shifted into the difficulties of Clinger/Avoider which I refer to as the issue of Reliable Membership. I think people need the skills to deal with both issues.
Most often at the point of someone leaving, the one left behind is acting Clinger. And the distancing partner is acting Avoider. My guidelines are designed for that.
But as is common, you guys seem to have switched back. He moving into clinger and you wondering about avoiding. I think that is good as you can get to experience both sides.
Now for the solutions. Check out my paper on Reliable Membership and go from there.
Hello Al,
My name is Tami and I'm fast becoming a fan of your experiences and your very valuable opinions on relationships. It has been enlightening to read about the differences between dialogical relationships and master/slave relationships. I never realized how much I followed the traditionally taught master/slave relationship style and that realization was horrifying for me.
It should be pretty straight forward that recently my partner left me. We are both young lovers, both of us are 23. I love my partner, and am trying to work on drawing him back by following your steps and keeping an open heart. I find myself struggling with step number four. My partner contacts me very frequently, and I follow step 1 and make sure to never initiate contact, and do my best to practice pre-validation, validation, and mirroring. He has asked to see each other a few times (five times in the month that we have been broken up), and he text messages me almost everyday for hours at a time.
My struggle with step 4 is that I worry that if I don't try to fulfill my partner's needs for connection then he will seek others to fill them. I understand the concept in my mind (drawing a deer out with feed, not feeding them too much so that they become hungry and seek you out more), but putting it into practice is really hard. I'm not sure if my partner's need for connection is a personal connection to me, or a need for human connection in general. I will continue to work on not being so available, or “over” visit. I'm really working on not pushing at all…my partner commented on my lack of intiating contact and said it felt one-sided and “As friends I shouldn't feel like I can't talk to him when I want.”
Any suggestions on further steps I can take or any papers of yours you recommend?
Help… I told him I couldn't be his friend and he shouldn't contact me again (aside from work, as we work together) and that I wouldn't be contacting him as i deleted his numbers…. he hasn't replied to that email, nor has he text or spoken to me other than work… yes that's what I asked him to do, but I didn't want to fall in to the friend zone… have i ruined my chances?
Hi Al,
Its been a while since I post something here, I have finished reading the book, “getting the love you want” twice amd I think that I still havent quite grasp your comment back in Dec above about tje Imago concept on picking the 'right' partner. Could you please elaborate more on that?
Thanks
Confused