What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
My fiance left after an 18 month relationship 4 months ago. She felt I was objectifying her, and that the relationships was fizzling. I didnt see it coming. Needless to say, I've been devastated. I was very much in love and dedictated to her.
She jumped into a relationship about 2 months after the breakup. As soon as I found out, I went No Contact. It's been 2 months of No Contact. Enotalone.com has given me this advice.
It does not feel natural to have no contact. I'm supposed to wait while healing. I don't want to wait. I want to get better, and I want to prove it to her. If I am in no contact…it just doesnt make sense she'll ever consider me.
Her rebound person is unlike me in looks and demeanor etc. It doesnt make sense, but that's not the point I guess. I understand.
About a month ago, she tagged me in a photo on Facebook (she has me blocked, but you can still tag via email address). I didnt respond or ask her why. I wanted to though. Should I have responded? Can I still do this?
Here is what I know:
-That I love her and her daughter
-That I know what I did that enabled her insecurities.
-That I know what to do to be a better person
What I don't know:
-No Contact vs Limited Contact
-How to “move on” from something I really want.
Hah. I took your note, copied it into Microsoft Word, tried to add paragraphs all in an effort to read clearly what you are trying to say. My wife saw me and asked what was I doing. I told her that reading this was tough. She said, “What does that tell you?”
My guess is that you are a remarkable person and very bright. But that doesn't make you a good partner or communicator or what you want to be. It does help you learn. Get a good counselor to work with you and sift through your thoughts. That “torn apart” feeling is probably a) ambivalence and b)panic. Tis a resolvable curse for bright people, but I don't think they can do it alone.
As you've seen, my website if full of ideas, but you have to take them in an integrate the thoughts in your own unique way. That's what a good counselor is for.
Well, how long was the relationship that you had? Was it an Imago Match? or just casual? The answers to these questions would help you decide how long to participate in a “friendship” (very light contact) before you move on. I personally think a couple of months is a good rule of thumb. Finding a partner to work with seems to me important.
By the way, in the friendship, you can practice Validation and learn all about why this partner went away.
Al,
I have a quick question for you–what if the partner who terminates the relationship eventually comes back asking for a friendship (and nothing else)? Does rule #4 apply then? Should you still follow the rules with the hope that one day the friendship will turn romantic again? Or should you “fold em” and try to find vintage love with someone else?
Thanks!
Dear Al,
I have put myself in a conflicting situation and i am looking to get help getting unstuck. I have been married for 9 years and in those nine years i have succeffully found all the many different ways for my part of the marrige not to work. not to say i have not grown matured and become so much more than i was. I am in a situation now were i am very happy with my personal progress, however my relationship to my husbend is still not up to what i need. so there is still the 50 percent that is my responibility. I feel torn into to distinct and strong selves, what i mean is I made the desicion to leave to break the cycle and give myself time to be the kind of person i can respect and be confident in, self trust if you will, and now after a month I am thinking theese two ways. 1: I am happy to be on my own , i love the feeling of selfreliance and confidence i have with out my partners input, I feel the world is full of opportunity and some challenges ahead like finding or creating a more satifying job, and having more control over my house and personal choices, my children are more at peace without the tension between thier father and i, I am sad and scared to go it alone but i figure i have an amazing streaght to succed in whatever i choose to do.the buttt is i am still in love with my husbend and i never wanted to be in a position to start over with all of the stresses and issues that brings with it, I built the life i wanted. a house almost paid off both cars paid off two wonderfull kids that i get to be a great mom too because my husbend works and provides for us. stability and money is important to me, and some of the time my hubby is my best freind we laugh we talk and we love. 2: so the other equally strong part is that i see my partener doing an amazing job giving me space and being supportive. I have recently discovered john greys book martians and venus, which gives me more tools to understand and better describe what i want in a relationship, I have gone on one date with him and while i was there he was courtious and i was encouraged. not giving up and the vows i made to myself and god are super important to me, i have spent massiveamounts of energy fixing myself to make this marrige work, so much that i have burned myself out and built up major resentments., the but being, i dont trust him not to revert, I have such a hardtime forgiveing him that its holding me back, i feel terrified when my hope gets raised by a pleasent time with him or a book that seems to offer some help, i come home and am consumed with confusion and conflict, im exhausted and all we did was have lunch and talk about un important topics, I want to grow and learn but i dont want to open up to him again at all. the few times ive talked to him about whats going on with my side of the street have been about my needs and what i want and some of what i will not tolerate anymore. today i realised that if by some miricle i can conveymy emotional needs I still have issues with his parenting, his woman isuues , money, religion, i became very overwhelmed. so i emotionaly come closer and then back off then i come close again then i back off again. I think this is damaging to me my husbend my kids my family, but both sides have equall value to me i need to be able to trust my desision and be commited either way. intelecually i know hes not wrong for being who he is and he has ervy right and makes sense to think and act the way he does, just as i am not wrong either. emotionally im a mess. the idea of even comitting to work on our relationship physically clams me up, my lizard full on clamps down on any rational thoughts, you tought me that without a no exit desision and specific limits on time outs its abandonment and no saftey, and so i think im stuck, torn in two, in constant conflict with myself, help!