What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
After 23 year of being friends, 16 years of marriage, 3 children and a house. I pushed her to pack up and “get her space” which quickly turned into me re evaluating myself for all the awful comments and selfish ways I had. It has been a week and 4 days and we are cordial, I have been to her new place. I have repaired a couple of items and installed a new floor for her and the children. I spilled my guts to her apologizing, admitting my faults and begging her to come back. I get she needs space and I have finally decided not to send any text messages regarding my feeling and chose to be strictly business, even though it hurts. Is this wrong or right? I’m here and don’t like it at all. I have a long road ahead of me from this point on. What can I do?
Dear D.A. Sounds like you are on the right path, so just go on. Apologizing doesn’t do much. Check out “Making Amends.” Sounds as if you get that she needs space but that you might not get why she needs it and how much space, how long she’s needed it, and how you can honor her need for space forever with little wear and tear on you. Admitting faults doesn’t do much either even if it is somewhat useful. Fixin them. Now that’s worth a lot.
Al,
Boundaries have definetly been an issue for both of us. You are dead on with her feeling taht I and others have attacked her boundaries a lot in the past. The struggle I have is when she attacks my boundaries, she seems to feel that any attempt by me to defend my boundaries makes me untrust worthy. For example, at her request, we recently seperated our finaces. I feel that means my spending choices are within my boundaries. She asked to see my credit card statements on the grounds that we are “still married.” I agreed to show them to her but reminded her that I didn’t hve to since she wanted to seperate our finaces. She interrepted this as me trying to hide something and re-raised the issue of filing jointly for divorce. I reminded her that I wouldn’t do that, she is free to file alone but I am working on repairing the broken parts of our relationship. She said tha by being difficult I am just hurting myself in the long run.
Yup, When you defend your boundaries you can come across as not “obedient” or not “willing”. But Boundaries are a two way street. I don’t do my partner any favorites by letting her walk over my boundaries. When I stop her “invasion,” i am letting her know truly where my boundaries are, where my self-hood begins. I am giving her a gift. Tis a matter of both learning more about boundaries by trying, slipping, and trying again. You may want to focus on defending your boundaries while using very explicit statements. “I’m over here, feeling threatened. Tis not your fault. But I don’t think it will do us both any good for me to ignore my feeling threatened. I wanna take some time off to figure this out. Be back in an hour.”
Al,
My wife sent me a long email the other day that amounted to she still misses me and really wants this to be fixed but doesn’t know how it ever could. She feels I crossed a line when I (my lizard) grabbed her that cannot be uncrossed. She feels she could never be safe with me because any arguement could escalate to that point and then something horrible could happen. I know I can manage my relationship with my lizard but how do I show her that? We are barely even speaking and relying on emails and texts to communicate.
Tis a problem that my wife and I faced and it’s all about rebuilding “Trust”. So your reading of the Lizard paper is useful, and my guess is that you need to reach out with your thinking toward Validating her Lizard as well. Once “trust” is broken, by violence or affair or whatever, the path to rebuilding can be long but is worth it. Couple of thoughts.
Knowledge is “terminal.” Once you have it, you can’t get rid of it. This is particularly how the Lizard works. Once you went “over the line” (and that’s her line not necessarily yours) she will never be able to “forget” it. Thus you have to move on with that memory – the idea that it’s possible to cross that line. With the Lizard, “forget” doesn’t work. OH, and I found promises don’t work. So you and she have to plan on it – plan on how to deal with it should it occur.
What Sandra and I did was to make a bond between us. We’ve made many over the years. This one was verbal. We agreed that if either of us went over that line we would both do such and such. When temper is involve the most common line is that of physical violence. So we made the bond that if either of us “hit” the other, we both would call 911 and let the authorities deal with the situation. My words were that “the authorities are trained to deal with physical violence. We aren’t. We need assistance.” The result of this bond, agreement, was that we forced each other to solve our problems at a lower level of passion. Also with more TimeOuts.
Take a look at my paper Some Days are Tough for a review of these ideas and about tools to deal with each level of “conflict.”
I recall that many of us guys are trained from early childhood to use pretty awful skills to try to get what we want. We’re often “military.” A partner knows that and wants to make sure of their safety.
Keep a agoin’
Hi al its me, Terrence. It been a while, merry xmas and happy new year
Well no luck for me, as my ex gf wont give me another chance. She sees me as the same person. In her eyes i was horrible, she doesnt feel that i can change. Sad but thats whats she sees,she told me that i would probably behave for a few months then go back into my old ways,
It's painful, but i see were i went wrong. And i would give anything to have one last shot at a wonderful life with her. We remain friends but thats all she will offer at the present time it has been 13 long months of no real pogress..
Well, Terrence, I was thinking of you and thinking how lucky I see you. Now I don’t have a feel for how much of an “Imago Match” this gal was for you, but if she was “Miss Right”, then you are still in good position. You are “friends” which means you get to interract-lite. No matter what she believes, you can prove that you are changing and “apparently” you know what you have to change. Since she still sees you as the “same person”, I gather you have not shown her much of your new behavior. Keep at it. I’ve heard this as a call for “second-order” change i.e. not just a cosmetic/surface level change. She doubts you, but you can overtime prove that a misunderstanding.
I think, that if you are still friends, you have lots of chances to build a wonderful life with her. It’s work, not magic. Good luck.
Yea al she doubts me big time. What can i do or should i be doing to build more positive chemistry between me and her. It gets tough when I’m doing most of the work. She not coming towards me at all, freinds and thats it.. as for the four steps either i didn’t do them in order or i didn’t o them right because i feel i’m not getting anywhere with her, as its seems she has settled in her comfort zone. she is used to being alone, she is used to men leaving her then she goes back to her kids their her rock, i kinda learned that thru the years. she is very stubborn has a lot of pride, she wont be rushed into any choice or decision.. any suggestions al…
Al,
I’ve been reading your site feverishly for the last few weeks and practicing the 4 steps in the essay above for about 1 week. It already seems to be backfiring. Briefly, here is our story: We’ve been married for 6 years and have one small child. We’ve been in I power struggle with short breaks for the last 2 years. About 5 months ago we had a really bad fight that escalated. After much yelling and shouting my wife struck me. I reacted to it by grabbing her in a way that really scared her. I didn’t mean to hurt her, and she wasn’t her physically. I’ve been in anger management since and want to show her that I’ve learned to monitor my temper (my lizard) so we don’t end up there again. I haven’t been home since the fight since she says she doesn’t feel safe with me there.
When I stopped all signs of pursuing or pushing she asked for a divorce within days. She’s asked for the divorce several times in the last few days. I don’t believe that will solve any of our problems and really feel we have a shot at vintage love. I realize I am going to have to start as the leader on this journey but it is difficult to build safety when she will not talk to me and only wants to talk about divorce. I try to be validating even then with statements like “I know that to you a divorce is the next step, why do you think that?” I don’t seem to get very far beyond that she doesn’t feel she can feel safe around me anymore.
I’ve received some advice from people who have been through similar issues that I should just force the issue by moving back in and if she wants to leave she can; I don’t think this is a good idea, I am almost always the pursuer in our relationship and she clearly needs some space. However, she reacted to my lack of pursuit in an almost panic and emotionally cut ties with me (at least on the surface, and if I am to believe what she says). Since I know she is making sense, how do I slow the divorce train while keeping from pushing/pursuing.
Thanks,
Dear Kyle, Took a while for me to get this and I am sorry I couldn’t get back faster.
Lots of stuff in your posting, but I want to quickly focus on your question. (I’m assuming you’ve read a lot and have background for this answer. Ask me for clarity if you need.)
As a Clinger, it’s quite normal for you to be the one who initiates (probably much too much) action. Also it’s a normal situation for the Avoider to “ask” for a divorce. Let me more accurately state that thought. It is normal for an avoider to say the words, “I want to divorce.” or “I want so-and-so to happen.” Just cuz they, avoiders, say those words does not translate into either your phrase “she asked for a divorce” (she probably means and will mean many other things) or your understanding that she wants a divorce and even more to your belief you should go through the actions to “give her one.” Awareness of this, plus your awareness that “you don’t want a divorce can really help you in “slowing down the divorce train.”
What I suggest (and this is just an application of clear boundaries and boundary skills, probably something you probably wished you had learned about long ago, and “it’s never too late…”) is that you share a) you don’t want a divorce, b) do want to fix all the reasons she has for wanting one, c) are aware that will take you a lot of time and effort but you are starting now (or last week when you started feverishly reading my site), and d) you will not fight her getting a divorce, but may not be very helpful either. If she wonders why you won’t be helpful, just refer her back to item a) above. Seems to me one of the sillier sights is a person going through the divorce/lawyer stuff because their partner asked for it. Definitely let your partner do the work – and learn the lessons.
Wishing you well. Read on.
Al,
My wife called me last night. She said she still loves me, misses me and wants this to be fixed but doesn’t know how it could be. I tour her I know it can, that it won’t be quick or easy it painless but that it will be worth it. She said thats she feels like a “clean break” would be easier to fix than what we have now. She’d like to jointly for to divorce for financial reasons and agreed to try counseling again if I agreed to file with her. I know to her this makes sense but I cannot understand it. It seems like she is going very far to protect her boundaries.
I want to ensure her feeling of adaquate boundaries but I also want to keep her from fleeing further away. I do not want to file for divorce but I do want to resume counseling. I don’t feel like a quid pro quo approach is a healthy way to enter counseling.
Is there anything I can do besides remaining patient and doing my best to comfort her lizard from afar?
“She said she still loves me, misses me and wants this to be fixed but doesn’t know how it could be.” Glad to hear her positive comments toward you. And to PreValidate, if she knew how to fix the relationship, she’d be doing it. She’s at that “hopeless” stage of the Map of Relationship. Tried everything she knows, has run out of things to try, has to learn somethings NEW.
“I told her I know it can, that it won’t be quick or easy it painless but that it will be worth it.“ Ok as far as it goes.
“She said that she feels like a “clean break” would be easier to fix than what we have now. She’d like to jointly for to divorce for financial reasons and agreed to try counseling again if I agreed to file with her.” Well, it’s a theory she has. ‘ A clean break’, whatever that is, makes fixing, which she doesn’t know what to do, easier. Seems to me this is a bit reversed engineered. Starting with “I wanna divorce” and work backward. Bless her, she’s entitled to her logic. I would take this as her suggestion toward a solution, which for good reason you don’t like as it seems like a nuclear device to solve a plumbing problem. ( You might want to read my bit on Problem Solving for Couples.)
“I know to her this makes sense but I cannot understand it.” Yup, that’s the situation where you want to Pull her and get more data. You have a solid believe she makes sense, but she hasn’t told you enough. But, if I remember rightly, you two have trouble with communication. Gotta fix that. So Pull gently and PreValidate, and listen, just like you are.
“It seems like she is going very far to protect her boundaries.” It seems to me it makes sense that she’s going so far protecting her boundaries. My guess is that in the past you and others have attacked her boundaries a whole lot and she’s not been so good at protecting them This ‘divorce request’, seems like a crude request for you to ‘back off.’ I’d help her with the boundaries. Read up on them and work to get good affirming other people’s boundaries.
“I want to ensure her feeling of adequate boundaries but I also want to keep her from fleeing further away. I do not want to file for divorce but I do want to resume counseling. I don’t feel like a quid pro quo approach is a healthy way to enter counseling. Is there anything I can do….” Just a thought. You can tell her that you want to learn to have excellent boundaries, to learn to affirm them for you both. You want that whether a divorce gets involved or not. On your side of the boundaries you don’t see filing for a divorce would be helpful while you are aware she does think filing would help. You will not fight or contest, but won’t help with divorce. She can do that filing all she wants. You’d just rather work on repairing and building better communication and boundary skills.
Tis some thinking.