What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
I need help. Me and my girlfriend are engaged and recently everything has went south. Earlier in our relationship i went out to the club and witch i told her i wouldn’t dance with anyone. I told her i would just enjoy my time with friends. Well i was drunk in the one girl i did dance with my girlfriend walked inside in seen me. She was heart broken i begged her for forgiveness she eventually gave it to me. Over the summer i ruined her trust again by writing her friend when me and her was going through it. I wrote her friend because i was blocked from my girlfriends Facebook and i wanted to see things.My girlfriend already thinks me and her friend dated before but we didn’t. I never text this person or anything. The only words i said was whats up, i felt guilty for that so i lied and told my girl friend that her friend wrote me first and i recently after a year told her the truth about it. I also went out to the club for a second time but i was outside i didn’t go in. She for gave me once again. In 2 years i went out twice but it still hurt her. We recently broke up and i was hurt and i lied about going out. But she also did when we wasnt together but i think she doesn’t see any wrong in it. I came clean with every lie i ever told her because i dont want to get married with secrets or move with her with secrets. I know i hurt her by telling lies. She told me that it doesnt matter how much she loves me she cant deal with the lies. She says i have good qualities and it will be hard to find some else but she said shes done. I really really love this girl she is the first girl to ever meet my family and im 22 years old. She brought up things when we first started dating about me not acknowledging her in public places.Because she went out on her birthday and i wanted her to enjoy herself and i dance with her for one song didnt give her a kiss and left. It was a year ago and things have changed but she acts like it hasnt. I know i did wrong and we have been to the movies i have met her friends. She has met almost everyone in my famiy but she says i dont acknowledge her. I personally feel that this is just childish of us. What should i do? please help
Working of first relationships is hard, Deonte. One tries this, and it doesn’t work. Then you try that, and it doesn’t work. Bit by bit you get better, while the pain of losing the partner you dream of hangs in the air. I suggest your read my Map of Relationships and particularly study Diversity and then go looking for what she means when she says “you don’t acknowledge her”. It’s ok to be childish while you are learning to be adult.
Do you think giving her space and letting her go is the best thing? Through our entire relationship we never really went 2 days without talking to each other.
If you want a great relationship with this gal, then “letting her go” is, to my way of thinking, just dumb. Tis useful to determine when to give up and move on and I wrote an article on that. When to Fold ‘Em. And remember, there has to be “space in your togetherness.” Might want to read Reliable Membership also. Lots to learn and lots of time, Deonte. Good luck.
Dear Al,
I just only started exploring your site and already found many answers that I feel fit with my situation. I hope the fact that this is a story about two guys won’t prevent you giving your insight. So my bf broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. The background is that I was unable to be honest about certain aspects of my life prior to our relationship. I had one very “wild” year in particular. I am not very proud of how I was during that time so I never wanted to discuss it and I basically tried to cover it up and forget about it. Of course it didn’t work. So when he found out and confronted me I panicked and started to lie and tell half-truths and so on. I just couldn’t talk about it. And so it continued for the bigger part of our 2 year relationship. I thought a lot about it recently and I know that I didn’t feel safe to tell him the truth.
From earlier unrelated conversations I found out his very negative and sometimes even hostile views on some things and I convinced myself that if I ever told him the truth he would leave me then and there. So when the story finally came up I would always panic and just lie. Of course, over the time this problem produced other trust issues and it just took a life of its own and grew to huge proportions. In the end I really turned into a partner that was dishonest and didn’t give enough attention. As a character I would say that in general I’m more of an Avoider type and my bf is a Clinger, he really needs attention. I guess now the roles have changed and he fled. He was fleeing in front of his computer screen for some time, but I was blind and didn’t see it, all I saw was pouting that frustrated me.
When he left he said he wanted happiness, and is not getting it with me and that thinking of me is just reminding him of all the bad things. Then he proposed we stay friends which I found strange to be put in the practically same sentence. Since then he contacted me almost every day just to check up and since I was too emotional to communicate normally I asked him for a little time off (btw Im on a business trip and going back home in a week) at last untill I come back and we can try to talk in person. He accepted but I have a feeling he was not too happy about it. Now, I’m a bit lost as what to do. Once he broke up with me and the danger that he would leave me was realized (irony) I felt a burden taken from my chest and that kind of panic I had was gone, so I wrote him an email telling for the first time my story. It felt great. He responded saying that well, it may be the truth but he cannot trust me, which is normal obviously.
I know he fled, but also I know the he is a true clinger in his soul and he yearns attention and someone to make him feel special. That’s why I am conflicted as how to proceed, I am afraid that if I give him too much space he will interpret it as me continuing with my “not caring” Also, I know there is no quick fix and I am done with mind games, half-truths and hidden agendas. Do you have any advice what should I do in terms of communication with him while I’m continuing to learn how to be a better person? Should I tell him about me not being safe with him, my fears I had of him leaving me and so on? It might seam that I’m trying to justify my actions and I don’t think that is something he wants to hear.
I hope I wasn’t too long in my writing.
p.s. wishing you happy holidays
George
Good question, George, and I’m glad you posted it here. Two things I want to address first.
So now let’s look through your posting
As you two become more and more intimate, get to know each other more closely, I think you steadily lose the rights to privacy or secrecy. The issue is safety Is it safer to keep secrets or share ugly truthes? As a general rule the Lizard wants to know. So the skills have to do with how to share. I think that is why good communication skills are so important I see you found the old “tell me everything” and “I’ll leave you if you tell me what I don’t want to hear” problem. Got to work through that until you arrive at “I would always rather hear than have you keep a secret”. My paper on “How much should you tell” may be helpful.
Being an avoider, you may need to go at this slowly, but he’ll have to be understanding of your needs to go slowly – your tendency to get overwhelmed.
Lots of stuff in your letter. My guess is to focus on trust and communication. That will lead to the rest.
Break communication into two sections: establishing communication and doing the communication. Establishing is sometimes call meta-communication. It’s all about setting things up, managing the flow, managing taking breaks, maintaining safety. E.g. no sense in talking to someone who isn’t listening. So check first, “Are you ready to listen?” E.g. no sense in talking to a scared person. “I’ve got something to share that might upset you. i’d like to make it easier for you to hear. How would you like to hear it?” E.g. No sense in talking when someone is overwhelmed. “I’m getting a bit confused. Let’s pick this up again in an hour.” Things like that.
Start talking about Safety and Lizards. Very useful stuff.
Good luck.
Thank you Al on your very quick response.
I agree that all humans no matter if they are same sex or not look in the end to fulfill the same dream. As for social surrounding I would say it is OK and that it didn’t contribute to any problems, at least as far as I know.
If I can have just a couple of clarifications about some things. I think I understand what you mean once your partner has accepted to participate.
But for the time being I’m alone in this, he is not showing any signs that I can read, that would suggest he is changing his mind about leaving this relationship for good. It is true though that the break up took place only 20 days ago.
I think he is still in the process of running, I saw some details today, for example, like removing our photos together from Facebook that were there yesterday and posting “paying my dues” songs and stuff about not understanding what one had and lost. This happened hours after I mentioned that I’m taking some action towards addressing my problems and figuring out the “whys”. Later he send me a message “Good for you I hope you figure it out, not that is is my business” It felt like he was sending me the message “It won’t do” or “it won’t work” ” I’m still getting away from you”. Could this be so?
So is there anything regarding communication and starting building trust I can do at this point, or just work on me and let him be?
I am frighten that anything I say at this moment will be “pushing” or taken against me?
On the other hand, many times he told me he wanted someone to whom he will be everything and someone to whom he will be precious as a “drop of water in the palm of his hand” – a saying in my country. So I have this constant feeling that he is sending me signals that he “wants me” to chase him and suffer for him almost in a theatrical kind of way. A thing he told me before break up was also ” I’ve been trying for two years, I’m done. YOU broke us (by telling lies), so now YOU fix it. I’m done.”
Oh, and I think I would like to have a phone session if it is possible. I live in Europe so I have to figure out how exactly. Is there any chance considering it is holidays that it could be soon?
Best regards,
George
Well, George. Tis a fine mess. Here are some thoughts.
Glad you live in a place or country where the gender stuff isn’t a problem. I don’t. But could be a lot worse.
I hear you want clarification on just a few things. My guess is we can work on that. But I don’t want to do too much guessing. Better we should chat on the phone I think. I am in Pacific US time and you are Danish? time. You’d have to figure that out. I am available tomorrow, etc. over the next week or so and then am off on vacation in Mexico for three weeks. Back at the end of January.
Most important think I think that you told me was the line “I’ve been trying for two years, I’m done.I’ve been trying for two years, I’m done.” To me this means that the lying isn’t the central issue at all. Twas perhaps just the straw that broke the camel’s back – the trigger to his feeling hopeless with you. He may have stated the “issue of lying”, but the real problems for him have been going on a lot longer. How come you didn’t see this coming?
So for you the way to move is toward giving him hope. Promises won’t work. My guess is that he thinks you’ve been giving him promises for years. Fortunately one doesn’t have to give your partner total hope – only just a bit. He’s probably at 0% hope now. You need to move him to 2% or more and keep him there.
Next most important, to me, thing you gave me is his phrase ““Good for you I hope you figure it out, not that is is my business” To me that points toward a possible primary issue he has, feeling locked out. The phrase “not my business” sounds to me as if he is bitterly quoting “you” as you have somehow remained sealed up – at least appeared that way. If my guess is anywherenear close, then the quickest way to moving him to 2% hope means addressing your tendency to be secretive, illusive, cold, private, etc. Of course this is just a quess on my part.
You may have to address, visibly, those “problems” and “whys” for several months before much will change. Are you up for that kind of work? Still I’m just quessing.
You mentioned doing some stuff that you wanted to keep private. So what is the history of privacy/secrecy in your family? Is there a lot of Shame there? Need to get rid of it.
Let’s carry this on via direct email if we are gonna chat. al@alturtle.com
Good luck.
I need help…..my fiance of 2 years left me 2 days ago because of us arguing so much. We had a fight that lead him to leave. He says he feels unappreciated and feels like nothing is good enough for me. I tried to talk to him yesterday when he came by to drop off some necessities for our kids. They are 20 months and 2 months old. I called him first to let him know they needed things and he was trying to hold a conversation with me about how he has been feeling sick with fever, how he has to work the whole weekend and when he came to the house I told him I hoped he’d try with me again, but this time do things right. And he said he didn’t want to…he wasen’t happy, but A few days before the fight even the day of the fight he was being extremely lovey to me. Then after he left he was saying all that stuff. I have been extremely depressed..I wake up crying, I go to sleep crying, I shower crying, I sit in the dark and just pray. I only do this when my kids are sleeping or something! I want him back:'( he was the love of my life♥ He bought me a new cellphone and a laptop for my schooling just a few days before the fight. He told me after that argument that I could keep my phone and laptop and that he’d keep paying for it. I want him to beg for me back, to call or txt me saying that he can’t live without me…..but that wont happen. He said if he had ever wanted to work things out again…it wouldn’t be anytime soon because he needs time. What do I do? How can I get him to miss me again? How can I learn to cope with this? :'( I need help :'(
-Thankyou, Daisy
Wow. I would say you need help. Two little ones are an enormous job for a dedicated family of 5 adults! And to have troubles with your partner leaving….! Terrible situation.
Not sure what I can do. If you were in a place to learn what you’ve done that’s a problem and how to do better, well that’s quite a task!. I could point to good topics, but I think you need help immediately and in person. It’s all up to you.
Get babysitting, get a counselor, begin.
Wish you well.
Hello Al,
My girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago sighting that she always feels anxious around me and cannot be herself. The problems in our relationship started about three months ago when I started to have feelings of inadequacy. (I realize now that I suffer from low self-esteem.) I did really foolish things to test her love for me and the only thing I accomplished was to hurt her and push her away. I realize now after studying some of your articles that I made her feel unsafe around me by doing this. I suddenly “woke up” after the breakup and realized what my testing her and lack of communicating my true feelings to her had done to our relationship. I expressed this to her. I told her that I have been seeing a counselor about my low self-esteem and that the root of our problems was simply poor communication. She told be that she appreciates that I have been looking into the reasons for our struggles but that is not changing how she is feeling. She says she needs to heal and focus on bettering herself (she struggles with her own self-esteem issues). The last time I talked with her I went over to her house to pick up the rest of my things. I made sure to empty my pot beforehand so as to be as calm about seeing her as possible. We talked for a while and she told me that I looked good inside and out. She invited me to stay for dinner. I told her I couldn’t because seeing her was getting a bit much for me. We kissed and hugged and I thanked her for spending a year of her life with me and she concurred. Then she said “who knows what the future holds for us” and we said goodbye.
I love this woman deeply and I know she loves me the same. She is as hurt by this as much as I am, if not more. I have given her the space that she is requesting because I know she does not feel safe around me and any attempt at that comes off as pushing her will only drive her away farther.
My question to you Al: Is the only way she will over feel safe around me again is when she does not love me anymore?
Yup. No one ever wants a relationships where you have to feel anxious. So, of course, she pulled away. Your task was/is to make yourself (“low self-esteem”, “inadequacy”, and all) into a source of safety to her. Everyone wins when you’ve done it.
But let’s look at your question. (I use the Map of Relationships to create the framework for this.) That original love feeling (Romantic Love) is based and structured upon “not-knowing-each-other” and particularly “not knowing the negative sides of each other.” Once she knows about a) your low-self-esteem and b) your foolish behavior brought on by that, she will never be able to forget it and will be on-the-lookout for it re-emerging. So you can’t go back to having love as you had before based on being blind. But you can move on to a new (to you? her?) kind of love and that leads to what I call Vintage Love. I.e. she can love a guy who was brought up to have low-self-esteem and some bad habits around it. Just as you can learn to love a gal who was brought up to avoid and run away when overwhelmed. You can learn to have love for a frail human (just like yourself) rather than a dream.
So to your question, the only way she will love you is as you become someone she can feel safe around. She’s gotta do that work, also. But no, you can’t go back to being in blind love again. At least not with this gal. Tis what I believe.
Al,
Thank you for your words of wisdom and quick reply. I agree, yes we cannot go back to the honeymoon phase (Romantic Love), but to be truthful that is not what I desire. What I want more than anything is to have what you call Vintage Love with this woman. In fact we talked about that often when we were together. We discussed how we did not want to end up like so many other couples, including our parents, that are together and just surviving. We both wanted Vintage Love. Though that is not the exact term we used, that was what we were referring to. I know she wants that great relationship too.
I have been hard at work since our split. I have been burying myself in self help books, (something that I could never see myself doing before), learning to be more empathetic, and learning all I can about validation and proper communication from your essays. I really want to change for this woman. I also know that it made sense to her to leave, but at the same time she wanted a great relationship with me. However, I think now she doesn’t think she can have that with me anymore. I guess my question is how can I make her feel safe if she is having no contact with me? Am I beating a dead horse?
Well, if you have “no contact with her,” she cannot see you changing and can only imagine that you are staying stuck. That is a challenge for you. You can work on yourself all you want. (I think you do need a partner to work on/with. Self-help books only start you on the way. You have to practice/fail/practice some more.) How long can you wait for her to “check you out?” I think I wrote something about When to Fold ‘Em. Might provide some good ideas. The question is not “am I beating a dead horse” but rather “how can I decide when to move on.” She might decide to look you up 15 years from now. Your life is worth too much to wait that long.
Hi Al,
Really appreciate your website and all the articles. I just have one question: have you ever encountered someone who just lost his interest in his partner, almost for no reason? He was really attracted to her, but not find her attractive any more, for no reason?
If that happened, i.e. lost of physical attraction, does that mean there is no coming back anymore?
Would really appreciate any comments/thoughts!
Elle