What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hi Al its Eva again 🙂 I spoke to last week comment 112 I think 🙂 glad to say im feeling a little bit better still husbandless just want to pick ur amazing brain on something that happened today my husband went to see my sister and her family??? He was never overly close with them just wondering why would he would do something like this I haven’t contacted him in 2 days i realise u don’t have a crystal ball but just looking for your opinion please 🙂
What a story you seem to be in the middle of! Nice to be reminded that Romantic Love can as easily hit people in their sixties as people in their teens. On the other hand I would imagine that the Power Struggle at your and my age (I'm 70) would be a severe pain in the neck/back/etc. Ow! Ow!
I think the stuff I've written about here works for any age group and probably has usefulness even in other cultures. I like your reference to dreams ending ("my dream" "his ghost"). Part of life seems always to be dipping into dream relationships and then bouncing back into hard/cold/warm reality. I sure want people to change their "dreams of love" into reality. But tis work.
If he is, as you say, "happy as a clam," then I imagine he is long out of Romantic Love and also has moved out of the Power Struggle through Door #3. He might also be a guy who really likes withdrawing, as a lifestyle. You gotta take care of yourself, change your plans and go be where you can be most happy, I guess. If you want him back, then you gotta do a whole bunch of learning about yourself. (Somehow it is easier for me to say that last phrase to a 23 year old than to someone my age.)
Anything I can do the help?
Where to start. Single most of my adult life, I met a man who changed all my plans. We have been together 9 years, married 7. Such joy we both seemed to feel, at last meeting our soul mate. The first real partner I ever experienced. I am 70, he is 69. Last October he announced his dream since retirement was to buy a sailboat and do a circumnavigation. When he was a young man, he lived on his boat and spent a couple years sailing (with girlfriends). By November he had taken half our meager retirement money, bought a boat, and moved on board 100 miles away. The home on two acres I bought years ago is now in both our names. He spent all he had on this old boat, has had to go back to work to get it seaworthy. He sends money to my account to keep up this large property. He's a happy little clam living the first part of his dream,on his boat; my dream of us together has been shattered. He visits every other weekend, does a few small chores, I feed him, send food with him, make love, then collapse for several days after he leaves. I have been unable to find the independent woman I was when i was younger and friskier. I grieve as his ghost moves through the house. I'm doing some volunteer work, but I was a full time social worker when we met, and now all i do is try to keep up with maintenance on this aging property.
I had filed for legal separation, canceled when i realized the bite it took from my account. I hate him/love him/miss him desperately.
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Hello Glen, I've been writing for the likes of you for years. And so, welcome!
Twas many years ago (maybe 35) that I went through the massive kind of shock that you seem to be in the middle of. So I am familiar with this territory. My heart goes out to you. I remember feeling very alone and experiencing a lot of rejection from a lot of sources – including my church community. Twas a bad, bad time that I lived through. Tis survive-able. And, looking back, I feel confident it twill make you a "better guy" bye-and-bye.
I really don't want to come across critical of you at all. What makes that difficult for me is that when I look back to the time before my "wake-up" experience so many years ago, I tend to describe myself as remarkably stupid back then. "Stupid", yup, that's the friendly, but kinda blunt, word I use on myself back then. Stupid is a word I use for myself right before I go into a class to learn something. I am "stupid" about this subject – til I've taken the course. Well, that's how I handle myself. I certainly not thinking of you as "stupid". You write too well, and picked a partner who thinks she's capable of being an MD. You both must be pretty bright, I think. But so was/am I. Being bright didn''t keep me out of that painful learning experience.
I think you have a whole lot to learn, and it is before you. My website is a great place to wander around learning.
So I looked at what you've written and one phrase leaped to the top of my mind. " We where best friends and sole companions." If that were true, she wouldn't act like this and you both would be impossible people – such people don't exist. So part of the study ahead of you is to discover all about how you can think you were best friends and sole companions when at the same time you were kinda "worst enemies." 13 years! Yup. A lot to learn, methinks.
Might be worth it to first check out my tiny article on Guilt, Fault and Who is to Blame just to get an idea of how I now approach situations like yours (and mine from long ago).
I have other thoughts, but those are just really off-the-wall guesses. As you read my stuff, feel free to ask questions that pop to your mind.
Take your time.
Al
Hi Al, back in February my wife dropped the bombshell on me that she wasn't happy and was planning to move out to be on her own. My wife has suffered from bi-polar for as long as she can remember. Since meeting I have always been here for her through all of her ups and downs. When we first met she had a young daughter who was only 18 months old, I have loved and cared for her since. She is my only daughter. My daughters sperm donor was a prick that used to beat my wife, she was smart enough to get away from him before my daughter was born. My daughter has never met her genetic father (and with a bit of luck never will). My wife had been acting out of sorts for about 6 months before the bombshell was dropped, I put it down to the passing of her sister last year. She seemed quite distant and unwanting of any affection (love making was a no go too), so I gave her a little space and tried to do a little bit extra around the household to take as much pressure of her that I could. I thought a holiday might help, so I took both of my girls on a well deserved break, everbody had a good time. 4 weeks after we returned home she told me she was planning on leaving. I asked her if there was another bloke, she said no. During the following weeks my wife would come home at all hours of the night, and on some evenings not come home at all. When she did she would sleep in my daughters bed. One morning while my wife was in the shower her phone beeped with a text, it was a row of xoxoxox's from a bloke that was listed in her phone with love hearts in between his first and last names. I instantly felt sick, sad and mad! When she came out of the shower I asked her about the bloke who sent the text, she said he's just a friend, and that I didn't have the right to look at her phone. My wife and daughter moved out a few nights later. For the first few weeks I heard from both my wife and daughter quite a bit, I was devastated they had gone. 4 months have gone past now I barely hear from my daughter anymore, I think she figures 'mum doesn't need dad any more so neither do I'. She has stayed at home with me for a total of 6 nights in 4 months:( I have noticed during the last few weeks that the bloke who sent the texts virtually lives with my wife and daughter now too:(( My wife has told both of our parents that she isn't sure if she has done the right thing. I love her with all of my heart (as I do my daughter too), but I don't know if I could ever take her back? So many lies, and and still obviously seeing somebody else:(
Before all of this started, we had been happily married for 13 years. We where best friends and sole companions
I don't understand what's happened to my relationship with my daughter, we were both very close (Dad and daughter, but also very good friends) and spent a lot of time together before they moved out. In the last 4 months since moving she has found a boyfriend (which is getting pretty serious according to my wife), and has spoken about dropping out of school. Prior to leaving she had a dream of becoming a doctor of medicine. I have stopped calling her to talk, because I get upset when she doesn't have anything to say to me (I can tell she doesn't want to talk). I text her every day and tell her that I miss and love her… She rarely replies.
Any advice you may have to help me deal with all this would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance