What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Thank you so much I really felt I was on the brink of self destruction there for a minute 🙂 your insight into relationships or lack of in this case and so many others is amazing thank you again
Ok thank you so much im not the best when it comes t relationships he was my first real love so im lacking in experience can I ask one more questionfrom his crying do you believe he still loves me??im hopeless right??:(
Hmmm. Never met someone who was hopeless. I have met people who didn’t feel hopeful. “Lacking of experience” is just the state of a person before they learn something new.
Now, the “crying” and the “love” question. Crying seems to me an altogether healthy response to loss. I think it is very healthy that he expressed some grief.
Does it prove he “loves” you? Well, I don’t think of love as something like that – some magical thingy. I gave that up. While I was learning about “love” I even refused to use the word for several years, cuz it seemed important and I didn’t know what it meant or what I meant by it. Now I much more comfortable.
My guess is the he loves you and is not “in love” with you anymore. But that’s just a bit of a guess.
Read on. I’ve sent you links that should explain it all, or at least get you further along.
Thank you Al ill do my best thank you Im in the stage of not contacting him now trying to give him some space im so confused tho as first he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore then he said later on that maybe we could in time sort it out then he’s right back to no he doesn’t want me 🙁 I don’t know what to is his behaviour normal?
He sounds very normal to me – confused and unclear, but normal. So do you.
Oh, yes, Eva. Tis a terrible situation. And while you may feel tragically alone, what you are going through is completely normal. Millions and millions of gals and guys have passed through the same doorways. While that may not help at this point, someday it will all make sense to you.. So for today, "Ouch, it hurts."
When you have a chance or have the energy, check out my Map of Relationships. Here's an excerpt.
Another source is the discussion site where I chat with others about the situation you are in, about the Collapse of Romantic Love.
In the meantime, breathe, and follow the directions in this article on What to do when he leaves.
Al
This sounds like good solid advice I hope it works for me :.( im crazy trying to get my husband back I love him so much sounds phycotic but id rather die than not have him in my life he says he gave me chances to Change and that he doesn’t love me anymore but he was crying how can he say he doesn’t love me and still cry? Please help any advice would be welcome from a broken hearted woman