What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
“Mistake?” Well, hmm?
What is that Rumi poem? “Out in the world, doing right and wrong, there's a field. I'll meet you there.” Mistake – probably, but hopefully one that you can both recover from.
Beautiful, poetic almost, long.
Glad you are trying. Great relationships are worth it. And certainly yours seems to have arrived at a place for a major overhaul.
Yes, P., there are people listening…..
Chasing the “leaver” makes them scurry away…..at a speed that defies the “leavee's” imagination. My “leaver” is never returning…..that is clear. That doesn't mean yours won't. Your story is very sad, like mine & anyone who finds Al's page on what to do when he/ she leaves…..
It's a cliche, but take Al's advice……work on yourself. You may be surprised at the curiosity of the “leaver” when you begin to change. If it generates no curiosity, you will still be a better person for your efforts. I imagine this must sound like a bunch psych-o-mumbo-crud. I thought so, too, at first. Then, not knowing what to do next, I gave it a whirl. Now I receive unsolicited correspondence from the “leaver”. It's mostly about matters that involve finances….still, its UNSOLICITED! No scurrying away and that's a good thing.
I wish you well. Heartache sucks!! No doubt about it. My love is gone and not ever coming back. If you stand any chance, don't push…….they just run faster in an opposing direction.
J.
Well this is my story.
together 14 years & married for just over 6. there was no cheating we just lost passion somewhere along the way and because of feeling less than a man i did not broach the subject and brushed it away. so 3 weeks ago she left, she couldn't do it any more she loves me and cares for me but is not in love with me anymore. we are still in contact but it is hard and as we are married and we have financial responsibility's together no contact has so far been for a couple of days at a time. today we did the my stuff your stuff thing and it was very emotional there were plenty of tears on her side and a lot of sorry's and wishes she could have made things right. i wrote her this. i sent it. mistake?
Dear N,
My first night with you I watched you sleep, traced my fingers down your cheek and thought what luck, what luck, what luck. I was enthralled. I wanted the feeling to last forever.
One morning in March 2010 I woke to the touch of your fingers on my cheek, smiled and snuggled up to you. I didn’t realize it was already over.
My first night without you I woke to the ghost of your touch against me, but when I swam awake you were gone. Everything was gone. Your touch, your laughter, your voice. All the things you bought into my life, all of it was gone.
Your look. Your scent. Your taste on my lips.
Your brown eyes and the simmer they carry.
Your guitar, and you playing “Come As You Are” on the sofa.
The touch of your body against me.
Your intelligence. Your fearlessness. Your fierce independence.
Your smile. Your ambition. Your tattooed hip. Your collection of beads.
Your way of always making lists.
Your hands, and their unbearable beauty. I think about them at odd moments during the day.
The poetry of your hands.
They hold things. They let things go.
My first night without you I woke to an empty house, no sound but the clock ticking the hours away.
As poets say, a heart is to be spent.
I don’t regret loving you.
My only regret is that I never went as far as I dreamed. It’s the story of my life.
So came the early morning in bed when you touched my cheek, a sympathy gesture, I know, because you knew you had to hurt me. You knew you had to leave.
I’d been worried about us for a while, but at first I thought things would be okay, I went to work that day thinking you still loved me, you were willing in the night to make such a tender gesture as to watch me sleep and lay your hand on my face.
That night, you told me you didn’t want to sleep with me anymore. The begging of the end.
I could go on and on about the things I did wrong, the signs I missed, the things I’m sorry for, the things I could have done differently, the things I put off doing in my stress and anxiety and blossoming depression. But it won’t help either of us, and it’s too late anyway.
So this is my goodbye.
It’s also a list of everything I love about you, everything I miss now that you’re gone, a reliquary for my regrets and a defenestration of my flaws, everything about me that pushed you away.
As things are now, my grief lies not in the fact that you’re gone, that I won’t wake to your body’s warmth against me, but in the fact that I drove you away. So many things happened when we first got together and I’m still trying to sort it all out. I’ll never forget the day we were sitting on your dad’s porch – we hadn’t really started seeing each other then and I asked if I could kiss you – you said yes.
It turned out to be not such a good thing for us. I never meant to lose that kind of passion and spontaneity, I tried ever so hard to bring it back but I let my own insecurities get in the way and I ignored yours and lost the ability to communicate to you. You tried to get me to open up and I thought it was better to sweep everything away and hope for the best. I regret that now more than anything because that is what pushed you away from me.
I know it’s hard to believe, considering how things have been especially this year, but through the good times and the bad I’ve thought of you every single moment of every day. And I still do. From the first breath of air I take when I wake up to the moment I slip into sleep and my dreams turn to your face and your body and how I wish you were breathing slowly next to me, every single thought in my head has been of you. I’m sorry I got so wrapped up in my own troubles and forgot to show you that.
It’s why my memories of you carry such sorrowful weight.
I remember when we first got together, how we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, how we would make love at night, in the morning, in the afternoon, during a thunderstorm, whenever and wherever the mood struck. I remember the night you first started sleeping on your front and at the time though it seemed strange that you didn’t hold me I let it go. I must have known something even then.
For weeks after you talked to me in February I tried to prepare for the inevitable. You said there was a chance, but really I was just treading water. I knew it was coming, but I was clinging to whatever shred of hope you tossed my way. I didn’t want to see you go. Then came the Sunday morning a couple of weeks ago after you had a heavy Friday and you ended it in the garden. I knew it was coming. I told myself I would make it easy for you, that I would leave your life gracefully with my dignity intact, but it just seemed so final, and then you were so quiet, and all I could think was I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
So I slept on the couch that night, and a few days later when you told me you missed me and you tenderly touched my arm as you left. That threw me. I knew I couldn’t begin to heal until I was gone, and there we were just going through the motions. It hurt just to look at you, knowing I had lost you.
Everywhere I looked and everything we did, that final weekend was full of last moments. The last time we’ll wake up together, the last time we’ll cook dinner together, the last time I’ll wait patiently for you to come home from a night out, even though you didn’t come home. The last time I’ll go shopping to find something nice for you to eat. The last time we’ll curl up on the couch together. The last time I’ll turn out the light, roll over and gather you in my arms.
One morning, in a time I took you for granted I got off the train at Farningham Road walked down to near the shops where we always met and you saw me coming and smiled at me and I thought “that smile is just for me”. I realized too late that one day it no longer would.
I take comfort that, for a while at least, you did love me. That I was important enough for you to try to make me happy, though that should never have been your responsibility. It means a lot to me that you loved me enough to hold on for so long in the wake of my crashing star.
I know this doesn’t mean as much to you as it would have if I’d written it months ago, when you were trying to get me to open my eyes.
But I want to ask you for one last favour, if you still have any genuine feeling left for me.
Take these words, and my apologies, and your memories of our good times, and bury them deep in some quiet place in your heart. When you visit that place, know that I loved you intensely, and think of me with fondness.
P.
thoughts if anybody is listening?
crying so much over the painful beauty of your words. so what im feeling right now. its been five days since my beautiful man of 15 years ‘needed space’ from me and our kids and family. ive feel totally responsible. shattered he called yesterday-i told him i had to go-truth? i could have listened to him forever. he was crying. they’re just guilt tears i think. he doesnt think he loves me anymore thanks for sharing yr letter
Dear Trying,
How did contact go at the10 mile race? I hope you had the opportunity to share your good.news! I have been communicating with my ex regularly since a family emergency required contact. Keeping it neutral, which has worked out well. I even received an unsolicited text….
No threat, no lizzard running in the opposite direction! Amazing how that works! Of course, this is light years away from any kind of reconciliation. However, it is nice to have some contact, with no strings attached. No fear…..thus, no scurrying away under a rock.
Hope things worked out well for you. All the best…..J.
Hi Jane,
Thank you so much for your concern. Unfortunately not a lot has changed for me. I did see her at our friends bbq but we only tallked for about 2 seconds before someone wanted to take a group photo. The rest of the night she kind of avoided me. She looked uncomfortable. She actually changed her status to “not attending” the bbq a few day before. She was convinced by our friends to come.
Since she felt so uncomfortable I decided to send her an email that just said it was good to see her and congratulations on graduating. I also included that I had been training for the 10 mile race we are both doing (actually this weekend). As Al suggested to show that I am working on myself.
She responded 20 minutes later with a nice message saying she was glad she came too and to thank my mom for a card she had sent her for graduation. She didn't really make any move to connect though, so I didn't respond. But I'm hoping that it made her feel safer, so if/when I see her this weekend at the race she'll be more approachable.
I am debating whether I should send her another message as I do have good news. I started my full time job so I'm looking to move back closer to the city into my own place. But I don't want to push her. So I'm trying to follow 1,2,3,4 here.
I'm sorry to hear that your situation is so difficult. A friends parents went through a similar situation a year ago. I'm glad to hear that you found something that brings you peace though. Stay positive and I wish you the best of luck with your health.