HomeMain PageRelationshipsMap of RelationshipsMap of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part VII


Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part VII — 23 Comments

  1. Al, this is such a good reading material. I have searching the internet for something like this and I am thankful I found yours. I am going through the same thing.

    It seems like my husband of 5 yrs. lost the hope of reaching the biological dream. We are leaving away from each other. I went back to my birthplace with my family and left him at home. We are oceans apart. He asked for divorce. Our home now is currently on the market. We have no kids and I am a housewife.

    I used to believe that we are very happy. We live simply enjoying whatever comes our way. Out problems started with my in laws. It's been 2 or 3 yrs we stopped our communication with them. And last yr my husband decided to reconcile with them. That's when things started going wrong for us. Lack of communication.

    Everything is stuck inside my husband's chest until he finally blew up and decided this is it! "I don't love you anymore and I want to be single again." I tried my best to be patient, understanding and change. I communicate the best I can in spite of all the rejections. He said he feels chocked around me and so I decided to finally leave and give him space. I still want this marriage to work and I don't want to give up hope. I just pray. What can I do?

    • Thanks, KC, for the kind words.   Most people come to my site with the kind of troubles you describe.  The article “What to do when he/she leaves”  still seems like a good starting place.   You’ve tried everything you know, so now is the time for learning a bunch of things you don’t know.   Because you were the one to make the break officially, then you have some time.  You don’t have to turn around his moving away, but you have to learn lots of stuff.  Check out my article on Using Turtle Logic.  It has some framework and a bunch of hints and directions to move.  

      Cuz you’ve tried a lot it is now time to look more closely.  Not enough to say “communication is a problem.”  Tis time to find out what parts of communication bring up the problems,  “Stuck in his chest” kinda suggests that the “garden” where you talk has gots lots of thorn for him, so he lays low.  Gotta change and get rid of them thorns.

      If he feels choked around you, could be he feels choked around everyone or just you.  (He won’t talk?)  

      Lots to look at.  Remember he still wants Vintage Love.  He just probably thinks he can’t get it with you cuz you won’t change.   Just cuz he’s gotten “hopeless” ain’t a reason to give up – become hopeless yourself. So do a bunch of changing and throw his thinking off.   

  2. I just lost my other half/my best friend/the love of my life a few weeks before Christmas (2013). He has had a pattern of being manipulated by his daughter (she uses the grandbaby to do this) and then saying he is going to leave. Since he keeps saying it, I go ahead and leave. The first time this happened he was at my new apartment the next day begging me to break my lease and come home. I did. A few years later, he told me to move out (because I was upset that his grown children were bringing illegal drugs into our house). At that time, he moved out. Six months later I moved back in with him (after he got his kids under control). Right before Thanksgiving 2013 he went with his daughter, out of town, to spend the weekend with his grandson. A few weeks later he said our relationships just wasn’t going to work out. We had been having financial problems due to me going to school and not working. I wasn’t working because he had moved us to a school district that my children didn’t attend and I had to take and pick up plus do my own school work. In the end he told me “Our relationship has dwindled into nothing but you are my best friend.” and “I love you but not enough to marry you”. This after being together for five years. I have now moved back to Texas and he is in Alabama. He has completely shut me out of his life. Everyone says I should just move on. I miss him so much. I’m trying not to reach out to him because the few times that I have he doesn’t take my calls or return my texts and I can’t handle or understand how he can reject me like that. I know that he still loves me and my children. I also know that in his heart he knows that we are the ONLY people on this earth who have truly loved and cared for him. He was neglected and abused as a child. His children only want a relationship for how they can use him or how he can help them. They resented my kids and I because he spent his money on us and not them and because they could tell that we truly cared for him. What should I do?

    • This could take a long answer and I’m not in a place (Mexico, poor internet here) to respond. Perhaps we should chat after I get back.

      Sounds like very normal and really painful Power Struggle where families and codependency are involved. From my point of view, the good news is you both seem nicely “stubborn.” Lots of my website is written for you two. Growing into self-esteem is important. Manipulation and giving into manipulation is all about that Codependency stuff – read the Master/Slave papers. And the manipulator and manipulatee are equally needy of learning, perhaps the manipulatee a bit more. Good luck.

  3. A month ago, my wife and dearest friend of 28 years told me that she needed to seperate. She moved out and we are now living apart. I have been seeing a counselor who is very good, but I continue to look for information on my own. When I found your website, I started reading a few articles. I cannot stop reading. This is helping me to deal with the loneliness and hurt that I have been feeling since the split. I am learning through your articles and information that it is not what I have done to her that has caused this. Rather it is life itself and the complete history of both of our lives that has put us where we are. My goal is that through our seperation will be able to find a way to work toward the Vintage Love that you have discussed. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more.

  4. Thank you SO much for having the courage to break new ground and developing something new out of your personal experiences; the world is so full of books and websites which label people with illnesses and personality disorders, no one ever remembers that we are here to evolve and that trials, fears and mistakes are part of the process. Among all the wise things you say, one thing stroke me especially; “The ideal person to help you heal is the one who created the wound.  However, I believe the mind is able to accept a reasonable facsimile of the original wounding person.  Fortunately, you will always fall in love with a reasonable facsimile.” This goes against what any selfhelp book tells you; “…you gotta grow up, break the old patterns and meet someone different”… but no. The prize is not just to be loved, the prize is to learn, and evolve. Ive found your theory refreshingly positive, deeply wise and very, very close to the innermost desires of us humans.
    With deep respect. Thank you. R

  5. Dear Kate,
    Thanks for the note. I believe everyone has the right to feel connected and loved. Of course nothing seems free and people can't get this without working at it. I think it is never too late to learn and grow. Go for it!

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