HomeMain PageRelationshipsSkillsDiversityUsing Al Turtle Logic on Relationship Troubles

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Using Al Turtle Logic on Relationship Troubles — 16 Comments

  1. Hi, I’m curious about applying your logic on a long-distance relationship. I find it challenging, but intriguing. Especially the concept of mirroring while texting. While I am aware that the basic idea is just to do whatever my partner finds validating, I think it would look pretty dumb to type “What I read you saying was [copypaste]”. It’s obvious every message gets read.

    I’ve noticed it’s easy to determine whether to pursue a certain subject via text. I think if your partner isn’t responding to a particular thing, but responds to another subject, you’ll know to drop that first subject as your partner may be intentionally avoiding it for now. I think it’s also easy to do inviting by texting, since probably neither one will feel uncomfortable and both can easily continue discussing on something else.

    Thanks for your awesome content. Take care.

    • Hi Anonymous,
      I’ve found this an wonderful topic. Done lots of writing to people over the years and I have observed Mirroring and Validation and PreValidation in email. So here’s what I have.

      LDR – long distance relationships are very difficult mostly cuz the essence of building a relationship involves/requires so much data. People who try to communicate by text only are at a significant disadvantage. Terribly small bandwidth, as we say. During the Romantic Phase, so much is about the fantasies you have about each other that being at a long distance or using text can help generate the dreams of each other. Your partner says a little phrase and you interpret an enormous amount of drama into it. Things get wild fast and deep miscommunications grow. The drop into the Power Struggle can happen before you get to know enough to help you weather the challenges. For that reason and others I really feel for those trying to do a relationship over great distances. If you notice my ideas of finding a partner, they involve hours of time in each other’s physical presence.

      But that is not always possible. So we come back to email. Let me speak of Mirroring – separate from Validation and PreValidation. The point of Mirroring is to train people into the habits of making both people “feel heard”, and over time make this reliable. It’s most useful face-to-face or on the phone/Skype etc. One of it’s most critical lessons is to handle differences in speed of communication – i.e. if you talk too fast for your partner to hear, Mirroring will teach you to slow down enough and teach your partner to speak up when you are talking too quickly, etc. Another lesson of Mirroring is to teach you when to interrupt and when not to interrupt. Very very important.

      Email doesn’t bring those issues to the surface. People write as fast as they want and as much as they want. No one is interrupting, plus the computer kinda mirrors back what is written. It’s easy so get the delusion that you can talk that fast in your partner’s presence. No one learns to say “that’s to much.” Also the receiver can fake listening by printing and reading over time. I typically get an email from someone, print it out, carry it around, mark it up, think about it for days before writing back. Truth is I’d much prefer to speak with you, Anonymous, than read a message.

      The real center of communicating is sharing ourselves, and feeling understood. That involves listening but a lot more. That’s the world of validation and PreValidation and is much much easier face-to-face. When you write to me, I perceive many opportunities to “get you”, and understand you, that I can’t make happen cus you are on to another subject. Or there are things you write that aren’t clear to me, that could be clear if we were together and I could ask, “Hey what do you mean by that?” The reader has to do a lot of guessing that wouldn’t be necessary in a face-to-face.

      Your example of what to do if your partner isn’t responding seems a good example of how poor this type of communication. I’ve found that silence has an vast array of meanings and many of them are quite dangerous to a relationship.

      This all may not be very cohesive, but I think you can guess I prefer to use writing as a way to prepare for or schedule a face-to-face and then as a way to assist the last face-to-face.

      I wouldn’t waste time on Mirroring in email. The copy/paste stuff seems relatively useless. But I would work on Validating, and PreValidating.

      I like your idea that “inviting” is easy by text. I like inviting people, but Mirroring taught me to learn my partner’s comfort level for invitation. If she can handle three invites in an email, I better not invite her 5 times. Of course I may be curious 50 times. (I’m the Clinger.) Have to handle that.

      Good luck and good connecting!

  2. Well, sounds as if you have a puzzle before you. Unfortunately, I'd need a whole lot more data to be able to respond. I believe all the ideas you need to reconnect with this gal can be found around this website. Go for it and dig out what you need. Or share more about your situation.
    Seems to me this is the way I started out, “observing a disaster” and “wondering what to do about it.”

  3. My girlfriend broke up with me – we lived together, things got boring ie i didnt show affection/lack of romance. How do I go about getting her back? I've gone no contact for 3 weeks and she's out there hitting on guys. We were together for 2.5 years. I know how girls are emotional and right now she's rationalising that it was the right decision. What has to trigger in her mind that it was a good relationship we just needed to work things out?

  4. Hi Al
    I wish I had discovered your site a good year ago, instead of which I have been wandering around the internet finding all those people who want to take your money. I have found good advice but I don't seem to be getting anywhere with my husband.
    He has found someone else, and if I hadn't become suspicious he would never have told me – he is a great fan of misinformation and lying. He has even bought her a house. He says he is leaving but when, I don't know. I have made a lot of changes in myself, which are the right ones according to your website. But, he is not a 'talker'. He will either ignore me or just get angry and storm off. If I write him a letter, he will read it but not say anything. I am hurting, I know he is hurting but how do I apply your techniques when he refuses to respond? I don't want to lose him – not after 33 years – but he has always, even with work problems, had single vision and doesn't look at the other things going on around him.
    Al, I just want my husband to realise that we can work through this, but don't know how any more. What can I do to get him to open up to me?

  5. Good question. I think the answer is a) in the awareness that every wise thing people learn is always surrounded at the time by pain (Sophocles said something like wisdom comes thru suffering, so this is not a new idea) and b) from the application of good boundary skills to the situation where the suffering is not yours. That I have an article on written by a friend of mine.

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