What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Me and my boyfriend broke up 3 days ago
It is very difficult
I am very depressed, I didn’t eat from 3 days , just water and coffe
The problem he didn’t tell me why he did that , I don’t have any idea about the reason
I love him
I love him to the moon and back
I can’t even imagine my daily life without him
Every time I am trying to text him then I stopped because he told me after one week maybe we can talk
So I don’t know
I know very well he loves me
Me too I love him
It is easy to read and ask
But it is not easy at all to live this
Oh that sounds very painful. And it also sounds very familiar. I think I went through that several times, years ago. Hang on.
Like a lot of people here, I found your website after a break-up. It has really resonated with me and, like the others, here is my situation. I wish I had found this BEFORE I had this break-up as opposed to after.
I’m in my early 30’s and he’s in his late 30’s. We had been on-and-off for 3 years. He was an avoider and would flee anytime there was a sign of commitment stating that he didn’t see things long term with me. I always assumed each was the last time and we had no contact but he always contacted me eventually or reciprocated when I contacted him and we ended up back together. The breaks were anywhere from 2 weeks to 4 months.
After one break up, he realized that he is almost 40 and decided to really commit to me so eventually we can have a family together. We were together, in a committed relationship, for a year, but the final 4 – 6 months were rocky. I realize now it was because he would keep trying to move the relationship forward and grow together as a couple but I had so many other things going on that I wasn’t in the same mindset. Also I was used to his usual behaviour patterns and didn’t change things out of habit or out of fear of scaring him off even though he told me otherwise multiple times. By the end he was hurt and frustrated. He asked for a week of space and to only see each other on weekends for 2 weeks, which I complied with. Then we had 2 weeks apart followed by the actual break-up. At this time I was a bit too clingy and probably should’ve given him more space that he asked. A week wasn’t enough and I know from reading your articles I just pushed him away.
At the official break-up he stated that he didn’t feel the same way about me, although he liked seeing me he also liked being home on his own, he doesn’t think we’re compatible and when he once saw a future with me it’s now foggy. I explained that I don’t think it’s a matter of compatibility but circumstances and timing as we weren’t at the same commitment level. Our timing often seems off. I explained what I learned from that experience and how I was going to change my schedule moving forward to prioritize us and to move our relationship forward. I also gave him a letter also explaining this, but it was too late for him.
I’ve been working a lot on myself since the “week break” we had 4 weeks before the official break-up (so a total of 7 weeks) to figure out what I really want to spend my time doing. My conclusion was to be with him and I know what I need to do. Part of me thinks we’ll eventually reconcile as we always have but part of me thinks that is false hope as the reason is different this time – instead of being afraid of commitment, he thinks we’re just not compatible.
My current plan is to send him a text at the end of this week and see if he responds. If he doesn’t, then I’ll try the end of next month. I know he needs space. He’s also almost 40, has never had a long term girlfriend/wife before me and has no children. So I think the next girl he see he might marry but I want that person to be me. Any advice?
Hello Sabrina, He sounds like a “man in progress.” I hear what he does and has done, but I am missing two things.
First is “why does he do these things?” Remember “All people make sense all the time.”
Second thing I’m missing is why you picked this guy and stay with him. Got to be some good reasons, that I don’t see yet. I’m not sure what to suggest.
So I guess I need more data, like what do you think you do that drives him away? Why?
And there one sentence that I couldn’t figure out at all. “Also I was used to his usual behavior patterns and didn’t change things out of habit or out of fear of scaring him off even though he told me otherwise multiple times.”
Finally, I hear he is looking a “incompatibility” and I’m wonder what you think of that?
Just curious.
Thank you for responding so quickly Al! You are so amazing and helpful to so many people here! I’m in the science field so I completely understand that having more data is always helpful.
For your first point, I think the 3 years of on/off breaking up and getting back together was due to the fact that he liked me but was afraid of commitment. He wanted to be with me but then as the relationship progressed further he’d get scared and withdraw. After those 3 years he committed for one full year when we had this last break up. The last break-up was different because he was fully committed to me.
Secondly, I stay with him because love him! To be very general – we have the same future goals of a family and house, he’s very honest with me (as opposed to some people who don’t have their own opinion), we have some similar interests but also independent interests, he’s encourages me to pursue my interests even if it doesn’t interest him, I’m very comfortable with him and can be myself, I like his family and his family values, we are intellectually compatible, he tries hard to make me comfortable at his place, his non-judgemental, he’s patient with me and I’m happy when I’m with him. Those are just some very generic points.
Third, I think I drove him away because (from your readings) I didn’t make him feel safe in the relationship which built up feelings of resentment. I didn’t make him feel safe because he kept trying to grow our relationship and I didn’t. I think the main reason was that he wanted to spend more time together but I was too busy (I do A LOT of things) and didn’t cut down on my activities/work because I thought I could handle it. I now know I can’t. When he brought this up I told him I can handle it all but I obviously couldn’t as my relationship fell apart as opposed to another part of my life. Another main reason is that I would take things he said too personally and then over react which would lead to fights. He said he didn’t like how he had to start watching what he’d say for fear of offending me. We both had poor communication skills with each other. I didn’t mirror anything he said and I didn’t validate anything either. So of course he wouldn’t feel safe!
Next, with regards to the sentence you quoted – the first 3 years together he broke up with me a few times because he was scared of commitment. So when he finally said he was taking things seriously (and he did) I still had some doubts he’d withdraw like before and didn’t try to push the envelope too far as to not scare him away. He told me he wants us to work towards building a future and family together and changed his behavior appropriately whereas my behavior was similar to the past 3 years when things were more casual.
Lastly, I disagreed with his statement that we are incompatible and told him this already. I told him that he’s mistaking being incompatible with current circumstances and poor communication. For example, one circumstance we dealt with is that I work a contract-to-contract job which is unstable. Therefore, I work 2 other part-time jobs – one is about 10 hrs/week and the other is 2 – 5 hrs/week. During the rocky period of our relationship I had a full time contract along with these part time jobs plus a bunch of other things which meant we had less time together and I was exhausted a lot. This was all situational and wouldn’t continue once I had a stable job or if we got married because then we’d have dual income. From reading your website, our poor communication skills are from the fact that we didn’t listen, mirror or validate each other. We’d just fight. This is mostly from me over reacting. Possibly because I was so tired all the time.
Another factor I mentioned to him is the fact that he has never been in a committed relationship like this before even though he’s 38. He’s broken up with other girls after the honeymoon period of 2 – 4 months. He’s never introduced a girl to his family and friends and tried to build a future with her. I was the first. As a result, I think he also underestimated the amount of work a relationship requires. He’s not used to things like compromising and communicating effectively (though I was bad at this too).
Much clearer for me, Sabrina, and this sounds fairly normal and painful. He sounds like a caring guy and I’d love to help you two work through this and head on toward what I call Vintage Love. When I first read your post I assume that’s what both of you want. (Hell, I assume that’s what everyone wants.) Then I look into your situation, holding the idea of Vintage Love, and the idea that “All people make sense all the time”, and start looking for areas where your current habits and his are preventing you from being on your way to Vintage Love. Usually what’s going on are just behaviors typical of the Power Struggle (See my Map of Relationships). So what am seeing or guessing that I am seeing.
Since most of the solutions to relationship problems start with the Communication system that both parties use, I often look first at that. In this case my eyes were drawn to the phrase “our poor communication skills are from the fact that we didn’t listen, mirror or validate each other. We’d just fight.” I think that if Sandra and I hadn’t solved this problem in 1996 we’d have been divorced for the past 21 years. (Had our 33 Anniversary yesterday.) Fighting, while normal in our world, is a pathetic misfortune in a relationship, I fear. I think all relationships that haven’t solved this or where either party feels hopeless about solving it, are doomed. And that’s many. The solutions to fighting are in the papers I’ve written around the Master/Slave topics. Most relationships don’t have room for more than one person, and if that is true for you two, fighting will show up, and that’s the kind of conflict that a commitment avoider will avoid. I’d look into this problem first.
Second problem I’d look at is your work needs. You said a phrase that caught my attention. ” I was too busy (I do A LOT of things) and didn’t cut down on my activities/work because I thought I could handle it. I now know I can’t.” I wondered about that. It took me several different directions. Here’s a question: Is it possible that work controls you? That you think you are not in charge of how hard you work? When you say, “I can’t” who is in charge? One of the things you’ll see in the Master/Slave papers is the issue of self-responsibility and blame. I am familiar with relationships that function (kinda) for long times while one of the partner has a job as, say, a long-haul driver and is home 2 days a month. I don’t think Vintage Love comes that way.
Another thought is the thought that the No. 1 addiction in this country is “being in a rush”. Is that a possibility? The No. 1 addiction for men is work, but you two might be gender reversed. We are. Is that possible?
My guess is his issue with Commitment is a very important one, and at this point you may not understand him – cuz he probably doesn’t tell his story clearly. Most people who fear commitment see relationships as a kind of jail cell. A relationship, I believe, should be something that frees one up to do more. I wonder where he learned about relationships.
Here are some thoughts. what do you think?
I honestly think you’re right with everything Al! The power struggle, communication and maybe I don’t understand him completely. I don’t even think he understands himself completely. I think work does rule me to an extent, mainly because there have been times where I have been very low on money and not sure if I could pay my rent, so I do work a lot so I will never have to be in that situation again. But I know not to be like that anymore because he is my priority not him. I think a lot of it is also habit as I just continue things I’m used to doing.
I appreciate all your help! It would be great to work with him and with you more in depth through everything but what do I do with the fact that he already broke up with me and we aren’t talking? I know your 4 steps and I’m working on them but if we can’t work on anything if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. We’ve been in no contact for 3 weeks. I actually did just contact him using your suggestion (greeting, news, small hint that I’m visibly improving myself and invitation to communicate further) so I’ll see if he replies.
Well, keep a going, Sabrina. I personally don’t like the ideas behind No Contact. I’d much rather a 1) find the level of contact that is comfortable for both and 2) make sure all contact is pleasant for both. And always bearing in mind that communication can proceed at the speed of the slower person. Just means to me that Clingers have to really get expert at slowing down, saying it shorter, giving space on demand, etc.
One thing you can do is become an expert at Validating. Don’t need his participation to learn this. Other people will do. This, I believe, will automatically lead you to become an expert at not arguing. And as well becoming an expert at “listening,” prepares you for any contact he has with you.
Don’t need me for any of this, cuz you’ll find all the hints in my writings.
Good luck.
Thank you for your thoughts Al. I know it may sound that I am pointing towards my husband having some personality disorder. Well, I don’t mean to put him down saying he needs to be fixed. All people make sense all the time:)… It’s just that during therapy there were some pointers shared by my therapist which said that my husband is battered, sad and anxious overall in life. He comes from a dysfunctional household (and once again, please don’t get me wrong at me trying to make him the problem) and is also going through some family betrayal issues(finances). At this point, he is in no shape to have any relationship with any human soul, let alone himself. My heart reaches out to my husband on hearing this, and I did tell my therapist that if suitable, in his given condition, please let him know that he was heard and respected for what he wants. My therapist did say that this message will help in his overall healing.
On my part, I do agree ‘crazy finds equal crazy,’ but what then? No one wants to accept this in their ‘normal’ life, and I got dismissed when I said it to my husband in a validating manner. I also tried telling him about power struggle, and the vintage love you mention, but he says – ‘I have always listened to you, but I should feel the love for you to make things work, and that part of me is dead. It takes two to make a relationship, and I haven’t been in love for a long time.’ To this I gave validation a try, and heard his reply of the early hurt I have caused him. I don’t know anymore on how to make a connection, except for the occasional visit to the therapist, which also ended last after he announced the divorce.
I would love to chat with you over the phone Al, but my separation has left me with no earning/savings. I am on my own right now, with not much support coming from him, and every penny is getting used to making ends meet (sorry, a bit embarrassed to share this.) My best help has been your Website, and whatever little therapy that my husband was paying for.
I hear you, Alicia, and I really encourage you to watch you spending.
Looking at what you’ve shared reminds me of how familiar your situations are. And the ways out are just time and work. Sometimes in a first session I could spot areas where focusing might yield benefits. Here are a couple more thoughts.
The comment about his dysfunctional childhood just reminds me of that idea that current “crazy” is often the sensible remainder, left-overs, of stuff that wasn’t addressed during a troubled childhood. So “interestingly difficult” behaviors show, and show more to the partner living with you and can best be addressed with the partner living with you. Thus it’s often easy to see their stuff, but you can’t do much about it. You can learn to assist them. However, since you carry an equal dose of dysfunction, you can work on that and thus set a standard for both of working.
So I tend to think of your side of this stuff which you can work on, if you can recognize it. “Recognizing” being the first step. So I would look for what was there about your dysfunctional upbringing that kept you from noticing your partner’s dysfunctional stuff until a therapist pointed out. What kept you from addressing this years ago? Whatever that “blindness” is it will still be with you in the future until addressed and re-mediated. Nothing wrong with beginning to identify your husband’s troubles, but what about your training lead you to pick him, what lesson was there for you?
This is Imago stuff.
If my guess is right, your skills at listening, being a safe witness are being challenged. (The complete fix for this is to become an expert at Validating.) For instance, he expresses that “love has gone for a long time.” A) that ending of “feeling love” always happens, B) it takes a lot of work to recover love, and build mature love and those original feelings of in-love are based on delusions and hopefully you won’t go back to being delusion-ed. And how do you go about Validating his distress at the “feeling being gone.”
I encourage you to keep going. I think you are on the right track.
Thank you for your encouragement Al.
I did get to explore my side of the story, and I understood that I usually pick emotionally distant men in my life(family history.) So my husband is no exception. Other than that, not much was identified while working with the therapist.
Ya, I am usually optimistic, and hopeful, so may be the difference between hope and illusion does get merged at times.
My husband says, he does not have the bandwidth to listen and honor my emotions. I try to keep it in check, but there were times where I also wanted to be validated for who I am, and that may have led to being reactive sometimes getting him further disconnected from me.
Being married, it was not so important to be ‘right’ about a situation, but then every attempt I took to appease the situation was usually met with little acknowledgement no matter how much I gave in to what he desired. It would only make sense if he lets it go, on his terms, and that sometimes would take weeks/ month.
That also reflected at times on me not managing my boundaries well. Listening was not about validating his sense alone, but it was to ‘do’ as exactly asked, else he would feel disrespected, and at times it was humanly impossible for me to just do as asked.
I guess early on in relationships, I did not know what to do when things don’t make sense and therefore the power struggle..
These are some of my limitations, and my hunt for further blind spots continues. Now having learnt more, I felt we could build a better marriage, but his fragile emotional state has instilled massive fear against me, and no access to him only suggests that whatever little hope was left is also gonna die with time working for and against it.
Hi Al,
Been following your blog for a while and find it quite useful to hear your inputs. My husband expressed his desire for divorce 1.5 years ago and left. He believes that all through our relationship of 15 years, he has only loved me out of obligation and guilt and never truly loved me except the first few months of being together.
We are seeing a therapist now to seek a way forward, and my husband confirmed his desire to legally end our marriage because he feels that the foundation of our relationship is not right. I asked him what according to him is the right foundation, and he said- two people equally wanting to be with one another. My purpose was to listen with openness, and know where the cause of his discomfort was lying with me.
He shared a few other issues where he felt that I don’t listen to him and don’t let him speak. I just heard him and tried to look beyond the symptoms. What I understood was that every suggestion and advice given by him has to be met unconditionally from my end to ensure that he feels respected. For example, when we were living together and having issues, he did suggest that we see a counselor, and at that point I told him that I am not sure I want to. Having said that, I still did see one then as well because it meant so much to him. But given where he is today, this is something he doesn’t acknowledge in his reality, and remembers only my refusal.
After hearing him, when the therapist asked me to share my hurt and what I would like my husband to know, it didn’t go well. I tried my best to be respectful, and put everything from my perspective of feeling hurt, but he started to feel that I was not respecting him enough and its too late. When I told him that I have learnt from my mistakes and worked on it for a year to be a better person, he said it takes two and it is no good if you alone do the change. I just listened.
At this point, all I can do is acknowledge his need for divorce, and move ahead with the same to let him know how much I respect and love him. If there is anything I can do to help myself, or to have any hope to reignite the relationship, please advise.
Sorry to take so long to get back to you, Alicia. I’ve been off away from the Internet for 18 days.
Sounds like a pretty painful situation you’ve got going on. I am very happy you have a therapist to work with you on this. Figuring out what your husband “means” when he says what “he says”, sounds very difficult. My guess is he doesn’t understand himself often and yet still speaks. It is fascinating that a person can easily get to a place where he/she discovers he/she doesn’t know what love is and even get’s confused about “respect.”
My guess is your communication is too little and too literal. Example, He says he needs divorce. You could either take his phrase at face-value. “Ok you need a divorce.” Which would show respect for his words. or you could hear the phrase, acknowledge it, PreValidate him, and invite him to share what’s behind that phrase, hear that, PreValidate that and keep inviting him to go deeper (at his pace). This way you show respect for who he is and who he is becoming as well as the words he actually says. Your goal is to get him used to feeling understood (not agreed with) when he is around you. That’s pretty respectful. And can lead to him learning how to make you feel understood also.
Didn’t your therapist model the difference between understanding and agreeing. Understanding when you don’t agree is amazingly respectful. Saying you agree when you don’t agree seems just rude to me.
Oh, and saying you’ve learnt from your mistakes doesn’t seem to work for me. It’s kind of like promises. I doubt there is enough trust between you two hear promises as anything but bulls###. Gotta rebuild that trust.
Keep a going. Sounds as if your heart is in the right place. Good luck.
Thank you for your response Al.
Well we never got to the point where I had an opportunity to have too many interactions with my husband. I did suggest that I don’t mind catching up once in a way with no strings attached, and exploring if our marriage is worth all the investment we have put it.
He is scared that if he does interact with me, he will get emotional, and wants to avoid that. I tried exploring deeper, and he did sight an incident in the first year of our dating where I had said something hurtful to him in my choice of words and that ‘killed’ it , he says. I offered my heartfelt apology. I have apologized for this back then when it happened, and so many times in the past 15 years. But I guess I couldn’t make him feel secure enough to forgive me despite all the good will and actions of love, kindness and compassion I have shown him since the time I know him.
Since I don’t get to see him much, the only opportunity to meet him has been about 3-4 sessions of counseling together, and the rest, I have been going individually. My husband also does see the same therapist on his own, as and when need be.
Recently, the therapist had an interesting point to share where he said that my husband perhaps is not capable of the ‘we’ that a marriage creates. So he asked me if I can live with someone as is with very little to give and offer.
For a moment, I gave it a thought and then something stuck me, where does one draw the line between any personality disorder and a skill of a marriage? From my understanding, marriage is an on-the-job training for most of us, and when we have to learn better skills, would it be apt to say that the personality disorder overrules the same?
Also, a grown up man who gets married at 32(my husband), who is fully functional in all the other domains of life (such as work, socializing, tending to his immediate family etc) is able to face the hurdles in those domains, and accept them, but not able to face the hurdles of being married, is it something that I accept at the face value as his maximum threshold in a marriage?
It is quite conflicting to see him the way he is right now, and to tell myself that I need to be prepared for a divorce as much as I love him and want to heal his hurt. I hope he does forgive me someday. Please share your thoughts.
Hello Alicia, I took some time to respond, printed out your posting, spread it out with “white space” to make it easier to read, underlined here and there and then thought for some days about what I could say that might be useful. Share my thoughts, you say. Well.
It sounds as if a very normal Power Struggle has been going on for some time with you two and as if you’ve reached Door #3. (I hope you’ve read my Map of Relationships well.) He sounds like a normal Avoider – not talking, not responding, not wanting emotional upsets, avoiding emotions, and generally giving you very little candid information about what’s going on inside him.
I hear you focusing on a) the few things he’s said, b) the few things your therapist has said and c) his behavior as an example of perhaps a pathology. None of that sounds as if it will lead to solutions. It sure doesn’t sound easy. Yet to me your husband sounds like a pretty normal work-in-progress. Why your therapist can’t see that and guide you better, I don’t know. Maybe try a new one.
You seem to have come across the problem on “forgiveness” and “apologies.” Yup, I found they don’t work. There’s something much deeper going on that’s got to be dug into.
And as far as “personality disorders” go, well, I think relationships are all about them, resolving them, and the best way to approach this topic is with the “wisdom” that “You always fall in love with someone equally ‘crazy’,” and thus the “personality disorder” you have is more important than the one he has.
On the positive side, No, I don’t think you should accept the relationship and his current level of skills at face value. I believe in durably moving toward Vintage Love which means learning and learning and learning.
It might be best if we do some phone chatting.
Keep a-going.
Hi Al,
I first wrote to you on February 28, 2016. I also replied to “Warren’s” post on September 18, 2016 and gave a lengthier update there. I wanted to share my happiness with you and say a special “thank you.” Since our separation and my husband’s divorce filing, my husband and I have been dating and doing regular counseling for about 8 months now. As the weeks and months progressed, we continued to move through the very difficult and painful path ahead and are now both committed to working on our relationship and improving our marriage through all the ups and downs that come our way. We see ourselves remaining in counseling for the foreseeable future. As the days go by our relationship, children, and family as a whole are feeling happier and more secure. Although, my husband maintained his separate address for quite a while, his time in our home increased more and more. This Spring he happily decided to give up his separate address and with continued help and work, we are united again. Many aspects of our relationship are better than they have been. I write this note to you with heartfelt gratitude and tears in my eyes. I remain in awe of the help you freely dispense to anyone who stumbles upon your website. Thank you so very much for the time you spend writing your articles and responding to the hundreds of forlorn posts you receive. You really are a huge blessing to so many people and I am so grateful for the impact that you have had on my life.
Heartfelt gratitude,
Chrissy
I hear you, Chrissy. Thanks for the note. Keep a going. At some points the goal of couple’s counseling is to take the counselor home with you, to live with you. Often it is in the form of, “Wait, wait. What would Janey tell us right now?” Good ole Janey.