What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hi Al, When we spoke today he told me that we will get over our love for each other eventually and we will be happy apart because right now he can only see us being unhappy together, he cant see any good. Should I write a list of all the good that happened in our relationship for him.
Nope, Sash, don’t do it. Tis a learning of communication to listen fully before responding. I think it better to hear him, seek to understand him, first. Don’t throw something from your views of things back at him. Sounds like interrupting and, worse, arguing. I don’t believe in it. He has his theories and you have yours. Celebrate that.
Hi Al,
Thank you so much for that.
I Have read read your essays on Master / Slave and it has helped me. I am willing to go to therapy if needs be.
He told me yesterday that he loves me and his heart tells him that he loves and misses me so much its killing him but his head tells him that we won’t be happy together. He needs time to figure out which to listen to, he doesn’t know how long it will take. What should I do in that time to make it better?
Dear Sash, After you’ve read my Map of Relationship, you’ll probably be drawn to the idea that somehow he’s feeling “hopeless”. He want to see change in you, and believes you won’t change. I’m sure it’s a false belief. Everyone can change. It’s called learning. But that hopelessness, that sense that your partner is stuck, is what puts a someone in the mind of splitting up.
This is pretty easy to fix. Figure out, use all the help you can get, what changes in you are top on his list. This is to help you focus on changes that give you “most bang for your buck.” Ignore temporarily your list of how he needs to change. That stuff is for later. Now, go to work on visibly and permanently changing some of those things on his list. That takes clever work. The more clever you act, the easier it is. Relationships are all about changing ourselves.
Good luck.
The girl I dated 20 years ago found me on the Internet in 2011. We met on my birthday and were inseparable. We have always been deeply in love then and up until recently this has become a complete surprise. We moved into a house 2 years later. Now 2 months before our anniversary she has decided to move into an apartment. I am beside myself with sadness. All I ever wanted to do was to make her happy. I’ll be helping her move in a couple weeks because somehow I believe it will help me. Am I wrong? She says she still wants to be my girl but I believe she’s going through menapause and her hormones are just completely out of whack. Just don’t know what to do and don’t really have any friends. She is my best friend.
Thanks for listening and I’m open to any suggestions.
First thing, Stan, is forget about that “menopausal or hormonal stuff”. It reminds me of kinda dismissive male talk. In my experience there are lots of changes in life (getting laid off, menopause, injury, death of parent/child, etc. etc.) that kick of changes in people. The question is how you address those changes either in you or in your partner.
I tried to follow the sequence of events in your posting, got confused, and found myself guessing too much. Sorry.
Here are two thoughts though. a) do not assist your partner in leaving/moving out. That’s their choice and the work should be theirs. I’ve met a lot of guys who are problem-solvers, they don’t want their partner to move out, their partner does want to move, so the guy “cuts his throat” by doing the work. If you want her to stay or stay in a relationship, I think you should work but on yourself.
b) I think it’s really valuable to listen to what she has said and to identify what in you needs changing. Then get to work changing. Get some help from friends, counselors, etc. in finding out what you do that makes her want to move out. Fix it.
Thanks a lot Al, I think I do have control issues. He wants to be friends but it hurts so much to move from 6 year girlfriend to friend. I sometimes as though It would be in my best interests to stop all communication with him, he keeps telling me how much he loves and misses me , but when I ask for us to try again, he refuses. He says he is feeling a lot of hurt from losing me and he does not know if we will be together again. should I cut off all contact for a few months or should I be friends?
Sorry Sash, But I am a really rebellious optimist, and just almost never suggest giving up hope. It is in my experience very hard to drop back from being partner to being just a friend. I think of partners as Imago Matches and tend to believe once you’ve found one, the only thing that will make you forget ’em is a new Imago Match. If you were together 6 years you are probably matches. I think you’ve got a lot to learn about stopping all that fighting. Took me years to build up to learning that, but only a short time, a couple of months, once I was determined.
Take care of yourself and let me know what I can do to help.
Hi Al.
I have been in a relationship for 6 years. My boyfriend and I have been fighting constantly for months. I think I have anger and control issues. Two weeks ago I broke up with him and he accepted. I have been begging him to reconsider but he is refusing to, He says that we fight so much and make each other unhappy because of all the fights It is usually me that starts the fight and i regret not stopping when he asked me to, many times. We still love each other immensely. He cried so much when I left,. He is such a good man and I lost him because I took him for granted. He still wants to be friends.Please can you give me advice on how I can get him back..
Hello Sash, Hey, fighting for months is to me silly. Tis a plan to drive your partner away. If that was you plan, you sound successful. But I’m guessing, by your writing here, that driving him away was not your goal. So part of the solution is to give up that fighting stuff. I’ve written all sorts of essays on a) why we do that fighting stuff and b) how to stop it. And of course chronic fighting often accompanies anger and control issues.
You want him back? Just prove to him that you are replacing those fighting/bullying, and anger and control issues with behaviors that look more like respect. It takes only one to make a marriage/partnership, I believe. Sandra and I started to wise up in the mid 1990s. Haven’t argued or bullied since then. Read about Master/Slave and PeaceMaking and Stop Arguing (which is right next to Domestic Violence).
Good luck, Sash