What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hi Al, it’s me again, Anthony. The girl I was able to get back together with and we were able to see each other a few times and work out the long distance but..hell idk what the hell is happening with me and her.
This past year has been total crap for her. Her father passed away, as did her dog she had for 15 years, and so did her best friend. She lost the use of her voice, has been in a car accident, hit by a horse and was amnesiatic for a few weeks. And all through the way I have been there for her trying to get her through it.
She had to move to Florida for work, and we would still see each other. She always lit up with joy when I arrived claiming she was so alone there without any family or friends. And recently she took to saying “I love you” to me and I thought all was well.
Then she had to go to the arctic for research with a small group of young penguins. I went and said goodbye to her as she left early Monday morning and on Tuesday we were able to talk. She said she missed me, wishing I was there, and that she can’t wait to get back. Then after a bit of talking she said she had to go and said “Love you”.
I wasn’t able to get ahold of her since but last night we talked and she said we shouldn’t be together anymore. I took that as “I’m breaking up with you.” And considering what happened with us the past month idk what happened. She said this guy she is with in the arctic with they “seemed to have something” and that she likes him.
I felt like I got stabbed in the back. She said she began to forget about me when we weren’t able to talk. I tried to get her to talk about the situation and she told me “there is always other shit going on and it brings me toward you and it makes me feel I want to love you but I don’t want that shit anymore.”
I’m so confused I still have no idea what I am to do. A few days ago she loved me now I have no idea what she is truly feeling. I asked her if we can talk about this when she returns face to face. But she just said goodbye and we will be friends and only friends.
But hell I care about this girl a lot and I’m done with the stupid going out every out and talking to ten different people through the night just to see which one is the best. I’m done with that.
I just want the girl who actually gives a dam about what I have to say and a girl who cares about me, and out of all the woman I’ve dated and the people I know, this girl is the best. I don’t want to go out chasing women anymore.
Yeah, Anthony, that casual dating thing (pick-up, etc) wears thin after a while. Since it seems to be popular right now, I’m guessing that there are maybe hundred’s of thousands of gals and guys who are waking up wondering where the reliability is. Where is something solid? I guess people have to try out the shallow stuff till they find they want something deeper that they can count on.
Glad you are figuring it out. Keep a going.
Hi Al,
I have been reading through your articles and they make a lot sense. My husband of almost 4 yrs, been together for 6 just left this past week. What I haven’t been able to find advice in is blended families. We have a 4 yr old together (he is high functioning autistic), he has 2 children from a previous relationship (11 & 7), that visit every other weekend and I have 2 from a previous relationship (18 &14) which he claims as his own and live with us in the home. Well now just me. I don’t know what to do with all of these emotions I am feeling about losing the 11 and 8 yr olds. It’s like a piece of my heart is being ripped out. I am not able to work right now so I take care of the children all the time. My husband has not even asked how our son is doing. But he asked where the remote to the tv was in a text! My therapist says I should take it as a compliment bc he knows he is in good hands with me.
I believe marriage isn’t something you should just give up on, but I don’t think that he should be able to just walk out on his family either. I am so hurt and angry right now and I know that he is out just having a good ole time right now enjoying having no responsibilities, staying at his Mom’s and he is 37! I left him a note asking him about visiting our son and to give me a heads up if he wants a divorce but he never responded. I don’t know what to do. I think it’s to early for court?
Well, Mamabear, sounds as if you are in the middle of quite a mess. The reason you haven’t seen anything on my website about blended families as I have not written on that subject. (even though I am a grandpa in one)
I don’t think I have a lot of special wisdom for you except to suggest you make sure you are taking care of yourself first. I’m glad you have a therapist on your side.
As far as understanding your husband goes, he’s doing things that make sense to him. That’s a clue in understanding anyone, including yourself. When you see him doing things that look outrageous, you might reach for the old tool “Hmm. I wonder why he’s doing that stuff that looks outrageous to me?” This tool will also probably work really well on that 4-year-old of yours. There seem to be opposite directions when approaching others a) turn away, judge, be angry, make more trouble, etc. and b) turn toward, understand, solve problems, etc. Of course you need boundary skills. Use your therapist to help with this.
My commonlaw spouse left me one month ago after 16 years.
We grew apart over the last couple years yet still loved each other – at least I thought. He told me that he wanted to leave the relationship and didn’t feel the same a couple months before telling me. He left before we could work on us. He said he didn’t feel that it was possible to fix this.
I’m of course heart broken. I’m letting myself feel this pain. It’s big. But I needed the wake up call to see how I damaged the relationship and in shame took the blame. Over the month I read and thought about why I behaved in ways that rejected him and disrespected him over time. I learned that I was unkind to do that to any person as I had truly taken him for granted and treated him poorly at times. And I discovered that I was hurt by him too and the layers of hurt and not dealing with issues were never resolved.
We loved each other but I pushed him away in so many ways. Now he’s gone. He does check in with me sparingly. At first I was extremely hurt and felt angry that he left.
Later I understood why. I know he deserves happiness and it just might not be with me. I still cry when I talk to him about us but try very hard to keep it together. Because he’s left me I am not advanced in moving on. I have this hope that he’ll want to try and make things right. At least try the right way.
He called me to talk a few days ago and I told him how I’ve been feeling. I also said that there are some things you let go and some thing worth fighting for and that to me our relationship is worth fighting for and that I think that throwing a relationship away after 16 years is a mistake. He listened to me. But said he would talk later. Then he came to pick up and drop off things unexpectedly and I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said for a short while.
I told him I know I have to be unselfish to people I love and have to let him go to find his happiness. He said he was feeling mixed up and needed time. He hugged me. Kissed me and apologized for the hurt he caused and for me not to feel blamed in all this. He said he was thankful for the good memories. I said just don’t forget about them. Then he said he needed time. And he left.
It was hard to say goodbye again. Then he came back the next day to grab his vehicle and I told him it’s hard for me to move on when I keep seeing him. I said I’m still feeling lost in this. That I never had been prepared for all this and that I haven’t been able to move on in this yet like he has. That I missed him. Unfortunately the tears are streaming down and he’s not saying much.
I asked him how he’s doing with moving on and he said he has his highs and lows. He said he would talk to me later and reminded me that I agreed he needed time. I know I need to move on. I am a widow already and the pain of this loss in the relationship feels very much like the grief I felt when my late husband died.
I know I need to find a way to move on but I have this hope and being vulnerable is the price I’m paying. I’ve read you article with thanks.
Yup, Di. It is awful and lots of tears are a good idea (don’t cry while driving). You point out how the loss of this is like losing a person by death. It is. And being common-law has nothing to do with it. Apparently just living together for about 6 months sets up this kind of pain when separating happens. Ow Ow Ow.
There’s a difference with the death of a partner-thing. The pain’s the same, I gather, and you have to “move on,” but you can rebuild the relationship – or build anew. Mind you, that old relationship needed to be torn down, I bet. But he’s still a good guy. And now you have a bunch of clues what kind of rebuilding would be necessary. Some rebuilding on your side, some on his. (I like the phrase “two fixer-uppers”.) I would not focus on what he has to do for a while. Got plenty of work yourself, I imagine.
Good luck.
Well, after he contacted me once a week for 2 months and would say each time he needed more time , he finally gave me an hour to talk. During that time he said he’s in a relationship with someone and it happened fast. It was another hit and run event with him. He hurt me throughout our relationship with infidelity and now this. I don’t need to talk anymore to him as my hopes ended then and I can move on. I feel anger and hurt but realize I don’t want to pack the resentment around. I’m working on forgiveness.
Yep, Di. Lots of grieving for all that loss. By the way, sometimes the biggest loss seems to be all that time. 16 years is a long time. If I follow my own Map of Relationships, there were probably a couple of years that you don’t want to let go of, cuz they were nice. Then there was a long time of not dealing with things. A lot of that time frequently seems like a waste. Well, on you go. Try to learn a lot so you don’t do it again.
My girlfriend/wife of 14 years says she “wants to be apart and have a clean break, space to be her own person.”
I met my girlfriend when I was 16 years old and she was 15 years old, childhood sweethearts. She was and still is a blonde bombshell, very attractive and a bubbly personality. However, I have worn her down and we have drifted apart.
She came from a bit of a better family than mine with better morals, was clever and had everything going for her. I was over the moon to be with such a good looking and confident girl, so much so I often played hard-to-get and it to test the water to see if I would get knocked back. The hard-to-get appeared to work as she showed interest and we got together properly a few months later.
From then on we were almost inseparable at the hip, very affectionate and in love. Our time was often spent either days in bed or messing around on buses going shopping. We would talk until the early hours of the morning on the phone until my ear would go numb. I actually sat and listened, flirted and said nice things to her.
We soon had our first arguments and usually me getting too confident, acting like an idiot with my cousin. My wife never saw eye to eye with my cousin as he was manipulative and had messed her friend around. Long story short they didn’t get on and she didn’t like me around him as I would act a fool around him.
Our first proper fallout came when I made a bet with a friend of mine behind my wife’s back, the bet was that ‘I would sleep with her’ before my friend slept with his girlfriend… Long story short my girlfriend found out and I denied it… and denied it…. and denied it, until I finally admitted it. We were only a few weeks into our relationship and already trust was now an issue and manipulation had started. As we spent a lot of time together as teens, she often saw how I would manipulate my mother whenever I got in trouble for something and I would try worming out it. I know this as my girlfriend has pulled me up on it along the way.
We stayed close and in love but this is when my jealousy truly revealed its horrible head followed closely with trying to control her. I spend most my time with my girlfriend, by rather than give her my full attention, instead watching other men who were watching my partner. Everywhere I looked I could see men eyeing up my girlfriend, or so I thought. The men whistling and the cars pipping their horn as they drove past as we walked hand in hand with me simply felt like I was being punched in the stomach.
It left me feeling angry and insecure. Instead of kissing or hugging her tighter or appreciating her I would be moody and distant. The response was my girlfriend getting closer to me and reassuring me. I didn’t see this, I wanted to do was punch every bloke who breathed the same oxygen as my girlfriend.. not that bad but got to that point some times. I had a moment at a family party when I heard close family friend saying “what is she doing with him.” My wife heard this and I felt like shit. After all I was 19 years old and hormonal.
Not long after we went on holiday together and it felt like every bloke was commenting on her or eyeing her up, often making it obvious under my nose. Some would give me the eye and nudge into me and laugh as I stood with her. I felt like everyone was saying to themselves what is she doing with him. Most was exaggerated but I didn’t deal with it like any normal secure person would.
We were still very close and spontaneous often driven by my wife’s personality and my stupid humor. However, I was often moody and would start arguments, act strange and controlling over minimal things… we moved in together in a flat 200 miles away from our families while my partner went to University. We were close but inexperienced and often fought, sometimes physical pushing and shoving and nasty and hurtful word were often said, mainly by me. I had passed my driving test and she hadn’t, being 200 miles away from home, when arguments got bad we just went to bed and made up the next day. Otherwise I think my girlfriend would have gone home or I would have gone out with friends and our relationship would have failed.
To keep it short we had ups and downs and argued a lot but were close and still very loving but had occasions where I wasn’t supportive as usual.
We eventually got married, moved into our own home and had two beautiful children. By now my wife had started working full time and had a social life with friends from work. Many in her office as with many offices were men/lads… most of which were attractive, smooth talkers and single. As you probably predict it, I was not happy her working with these lads and just imagined them flirting with her and eyeing her up. I acted jealous whenever she went out with friends from work. I would often be moody with her before going out and when she returned. Thoughts of lads dancing with her or grabbing her sexually.
Strange when I think now but it took over my thoughts. Needless to say I emotionally broke our friendship and although we shared a family and loved each other, things were dull and my wife had lost a lot of respect for me as the years of moods, control and jealousy had taken its toll.
As she grew more independent of me she didn’t want my attention or seem to share her problems with me. I started pushing the subject of ‘why are we not close anymore’ and ‘why can you talk to you friends but not me’.
Deep down I knew the answer but told myself I was the victim and that I needed her to show me she loved me. My wife began acting tougher in arguments, rarely crying or showing any emotions, often speaking to me like I was irritating or annoying. This carried on, moods from both side mainly from me, me pressuring my wife to be close and so on and so on until we are at the present day.
All affection feels like we acting bu still love each other. It feels like she looks through me and has little genuine love for me.
I started a new job that was and is very stressful. Our shift patterns run opposite to cover childcare and we barely have time let alone energy for each other and that’s without the problems I had caused over the years.
In total misunderstanding of what I had done wrong I follow my head and decide she must be cheating. Over the last twelve months I have been checking her text, emails and social media and throwing everything in her face about her flirting with lads to talking about me negatively. It must have took me to look through 100+ text/emails before I found the negatives. Although I thought I was making a valid point I was trying to make my wife realize I am this hard working stay at home dad who has given her everything and been there for her and she has thrown it in my face by pushing me away and flirting with lads at work…
I eventually apologized and stopped checking her emails but looking back what trust we had left had gone on both sides. I began checking on her again, this time monitoring her hours at work and pressuring her to not do overtime and spend more time together.
We had our final argument last week when I challenged her for not using her spare time with me, being distant with me an sending flirty texts to another lad at work. I told her we should split up and stormed out for a few hours feeling like my wife was rejecting me for no reason other then she had decided she wants to be with other people. The argument flared again and I filled up with tears fearing my wife had grown apart from me all of a sudden.
I saw sense and apologized and asked for some sort of reassurance she had not cheated and wants to sort things out. She convinced me she had not cheated but gave me the news that enough is enough and we should separate for the best. My wife seem pretty heartless and whenever I cry and get upset she basically tells me to pull myself as it will be for the better in the long run and I will move on and be happy. My wife has worked hard to keep our family together and as you have read has put up with a lot. I have missed out the good time as I am sure my wife has forgotten them with all the bad that has happened.
I have realized CLEARLY what kind of person I have been and its eating away at me as I cant turn back the clock. I have cried probably twice in my life and once in front f my wife yet these last few days shes seen me cry at-least 5 times.
I know it may be far too late but I feel desperate for a chance to treat her right and give her the freedom and privacy she deserves.
I am feeling scared everyday, fearing she has totally gone and ready to move on or already moved on without me knowing.
I have apologized for my behavior over the years and promised to change. I booked us both a counselling session yesterday but she told me should would not go as its over. I went alone as hard as it was and I told my wife I would go every session in order to change and be the person she deserves.
I have been constantly feeling scared as I don’t know whether to give her space, change myself and convince her to let me stay in the family home or move out gracefully. My kids our my priority but my wife is everything to me.
If this post serves any good then take one thing away, appreciate what you have when you have it and make every day count.
I have been married for seven months.
My wife left last night. She says I’m too controlling. When we get into arguments, I threaten to leave but don’t. In the last two weeks her ways has changed towards me. She told me she is not sexually attracted to me. I’m 10 years older than her. What shall I do? Is this marriage over or is there help…
Just going by Experience
Wife was same as Your’s .. 10 Years younger .
what Happened is I just trusted Her but seeing as She was younger
soon as She turned 21 ” Our Sex – Life ” was Fine .. but soon as I was gone ” California see daughters”
She was now free an I supporting everything saw it was a waste of Time .. She didnt get everything Her way
so once She had a chance .. She was gone ! don’t waste Your time !!!! If She say’s Your to controlling
that’s most likely just a way out -> TIME TO WORRY ABOUT YOU ” Expecially now day’s “
The controlling issue is a major issue. Controlling is one of the signs of an abusive relationship. That is bad. What has changed between when you dated to now? Be honest and try to talk. Listen to her- and I mean to listen to her like it might be the last time you get to talk. Do not take her concerns lightly. If she is not attracted- see if she will say why. I am 14 years older and its not got in the way over the years. Again- communication is key to a relationship. If you really love her, then try to make it work no matter what it takes. If she wants you to go to counseling- go. If she wants you to be less controlling, then learn to be. Best of luck.
Well, gdale, that marriage, at least the way you two have been doing it, is over. Of course if you learn a lot, anything is possible. Takes only one to make a great marriage.
I am no expert, Gdale, and have failed my marriage but without knowing the ins-and-outs I am guessing your wife will feel a little scared commitment wise. A lot of people do after marriage so if shes seeing signs she probably just got worried and stepped back. On the plus side marriage is a big deal and if you tell her your going to address your problems for her then if she see that she may have you back. On the other hand she may think it would be better out of the marriage now than being controlled for years to come… either way you need to get hepl for your behavior such as therapy… and if then the professionals tell you that you are not controlling then maybe she just isn’t ready to commit and that was a reason she used to get out. If you love each othet and you havent hurt her too much you should be able to get her back. Good luck