What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Well I have been with this girl since 3 years at University(been on and off because she was still dwelling over her ex who cheated on her). I gave her time to heal and she told me she loved me but that she needed time to be with me. However, she went with a guy and even dated him while I was dating (I should admit, I was dumb). I cut her off for nearly 4 months but we met at the Graduation ceremony and we settled things. She went with the other guy just to push me away but she came back to me. We work in the same company but our workplace is 30 mins away.. She does contact me and lately we have rekindled this relationship but she keeps telling me “time will tell”…I really do love her, I did admit that i did things wrong (and the same applies to her) but I do get the feeling that it will not work out. She recently told me that she was going abroad to work and I do believe now it is the end of our relationship because I do not even feature in her plans….
Dear Dani, Thanks for writing. I recall Harville Hendrix writing about early (teen, 20s, etc) relationships that didn’t last long and happened frequently. He spoke of them as “clearing up the underbrush”, I assume he meant, before getting into a solid relationship, i.e. building a foundation. In these relationships-lite I think the feelings of “being in love” are just as real and strong. After all the chemistry of infatuation is the same every time.
What makes for the start of a long term relationship seems to be kinda a stickiness – you just don’t part a lot, you just hang out all the time, you can’t stop chatting, etc. I recall first meeting my wife at a restaurant and we sat chatting over coffee and tea for many hours till they place closed.
This gal has already been into Power Struggle with some guy. And she picked a guy who was casual enough to cheat on her and she was unaware enough not to anticipate it. There is lots of good experience there. Based on that she might be pretty cautious with her next choices – might doubt herself.
Good luck finding a “right” partner, and try not to get too hurt along the way.
Hi al
I have gotten myself into a real pickle. After being divorced I said I would never get married again. I met the love of my life a year and half ago and we hit it off. After six months she moved in with me and things where going great or so I thought.
Then a few weeks ago she told me that she was having thoughts of going back home. I said that I would change and things would get better. I truly made the effort but it was too late. She shut down both emotionally and physically and nothing I did helped. Then a few days ago she told me she was leaving and that things were done.
I was and still am completely devastated.
We agreed to live together till the end of the month because her little girl is in school here and her home is about an hour away. So here is where things get confusing.
After she told me she was leaving she has completely changed. all she tells me is how much she loves me. She has opened up again when she’s hurts all she wants is me. She asked if I wanted her to stay at her new place on the weekends and I told her it was up to her and she said she wanted to stay with me. Our physical relationship has improved 10 fold as well. She says that’s she is broken and that she needs to go home. But she doesn’t want to lose touch and still wants to see me. I mentioned dating other people and she broke down and said she didn’t want to even think about it. I’ve asked her why things are so much better now and she says it’s because everything is out in the open and all the other stuff is irrelevant now. Her back ground is not a very good one her mother has been divorced 6 times and her self twice.i feel as if she has gotten scared and all she knows is to run. She’s always had a hard time with moving away from home and now she has convinced herself that going back will fix everything but then talks about working things out in the future. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. I fear when she leaves then she will never come back but her words and actions say other wise. I’ve tried to do consulting and everything else I can think of.
Please any help would be appreciated.
Well, Daniel, on the one hand I think you don’t want to get devastated. If you are, are panicked, then you will probably do things you will wish you hadn’t – later. On the other hand this situation is getting your attention, and that is all to the good. Waking up to the awesome tasks of “growing up relationsionally” is, I think, great! And relationships don’t have a “quick fix.” Ah well.
Given her background she’s working with a lot of fear and confusion herself. As her thoughts are seem chaotic, so will the things she says. Your job is to be solid, reliable, and supportive in the direction of her “getting more clear” about who she is and what she wants. Your job is to create a firm and gentle place where she can relax in all her struggles. Of course to be solid, you gotta work on that tendency to feel devastated if others are inconsistent or unreliable. Good luck.
First everything you’ve written sounds normal. I know that may not help, but at least it doesn’t sound like you are dealing with something spooky. The patterns are described all over my website, and you’ve found it. Go look at the Map. Look at the features of the Biological Dream and see what you two are dealing with. It sounds like a major does of Safety, some Reliable Membership, and probably some issues of Autonomy. Remember, “All people make sense all the time.” You, too.
Hi Al, I’m kind of lost, when it comes to my ex anyway. I dk how much you need to know to provide a response with depth. Just a few main points:
– she and I were high school sweethearts and my first real love ( whatever real means). We go off to college, try the long distance thing but end up parting
-18 years later I get “the” email, you know the one I’m referring to, the “is this you” email. Fast forward and 2 years later I’m living in another country married to my high school sweetheart
-married 4 years, I fall asleep in the marriage, I don’t challenge myself, don’t make plans for us, etc, she’s finally had enough and 41/2 yrs after marriage we’re divorced.
-the divorce “woke” me up and for the last year and a half I’ve been present and engaged in my life
-we pretty much don’t have contact except once in a while about my step daughter, her daughter
-she’s in a relationship, living with the other guy
-I’ve dated but nothing special
-we never faught, yelled, used hate, etc. we were stern with each other at times and obv didn’t communicate we’ll enough for me to see this coming
-I love her and I’m in love with her
-she once said she may be willing to try again but that was before the divorce was final
What do I do? I’m living my life but she still is the one for me. Should I give up? What standards do I use to determine if and when I should give up? Is it really only her that can reach out because she is the one that left? If not, how and when do I give it that last try?
What a fine mess you have, Ollie. (Never had a chance to say that to someone. I like it.) So I think I have this clear. Thanks for the details. And as a framework, you see her as “the one.” You might want to read my notes on Finding Mr.Ms. Right. Not the best of my papers, but its got the important points in it.)
Ok, you are both retreads with a bunch of experience. Very useful.
You are a slow waker-upper, took a divorce after all that other stuff to get you going. Ok. Good to know.
Her experience of you is that you are hard to wake up, probably, is skeptical of you making any positive movement, and believes you are hopeless. Well, she left.
She’s currently with another guy probably wandering through a Romantic Period with him. That won’t last.
Well, up and at em. Your job I think is to follow the steps of this article and the concepts in the other one about When to Fold Em. Do not be clingy but do be visible. Since you two are probably lousy communicators, then you’ll have to improve that a lot. You have to be ready to share whenever she decides to share anything with you. Become a great, curious listener that never pushes. Good luck. I’ve seen these later in life relationships bloom.
Then see where that takes you. Good luck.
Hi Al,
I’m going to give it a try and leave a comment!
I have a question regarding #1. We broke up due to plenty of problems – arguments/fights, my unemployment leading to depression/neediness/overdependence, and her uncertainty with her own life as well. I felt her moving away from me a month before the relationship, and eventually led to a breakup. 10 days afterwards, I wrote her a letter listing all our problems and how to fix them (it got very private, and I really poured my heart into it). She replied back a day later saying, she didn’t want to start a new relationship with me, but the letter meant so much to her. However, that didn’t mean she wanted to get back together with me because that didn’t make her a better gf, and she had soul searching to do. We were together for 1.5 years, and were thinking of marriage also.
It’s been more than a month since then, and I have not contacted her once. She hasn’t reached out at all either. I still see her once a week due to church (even though I try hard to avoid her, she seems to be there all the time) unfortunately. I’m trying hard to do my own thing, but yet, I still feel so hurt and empty inside. I am trying very hard to get employed and move out also. I can’t seem to contact her because I am afraid of what she’ll say. I am afraid that my heart cannot take a cold, short and careless response that she may give me.
Is it wise to start contact somehow? Is it important to keep some kind of contact? Of course, I do want her back still. My plan was to get my life back in order before initiating contact with her, but I am afraid it might be too late.
Oh oops… I also meant to say that, in her reply, she just said, I need to figure my life out and it’ll take more than 10 days that you gave me. It may take a month or months, or a year.. If it’s God’s will, we’ll be together again… -_-
Yup, “figuring out your life” can take years and years. The process is what would be good to share with each other. Question. What do you do that makes it difficult for her to share her process with you? Might be useful to figure out the answer. Since you want her in your life, you want to become someone that she goes to while she is “figuring out her life.” And vice versa. Tis just a matter of skills. Good luck.
OK, Sean, hello and welcome to the Power Struggle without the benefit of at least a token of a bond (marriage). It all means the Power Struggle is both worse and easier – more dramatic. Lots of stuff to learn. Since you see her once a week at church, I think I would contact her once, let her know that you still want her in your life, are working on yourself, and will keep your distance. Let her have the weeks or months to ponder herself. Get/give a smile once a week or so. Interpret her response. If she turns away, drop the contact to once every two weeks. If she turns toward you, be ready to respond minimally. Let her, lightly, see that you are getting your life back together and doing it as a “once and forever project.” Church contact may be enough for the time being.
Now, in the meantime, continue to work on you. I hear lots of areas to focus: unemployment, neediness/clingy, arguments/fights, all you can do a lot about. Get to work. Her uncertainty is not a problem, but is probably a growing process in her which you should be helping her with by acting as a sounding board. Takes time. If you have impatience with this, get rid of it. Learn patience.
Good luck.
Hi, I must really have it bad because I have been nonstop googling hoping to find some answers on why this happened, will she come back, is she hurting too… You name it!
I’m a 34 year old mother of an 11 year old son. I met this woman over 2 years ago on a dating site and we hit it off almost immediately… We did the long distance thing for about a year seeing each other every other weekend… It was great!!! We lived 3 hours apart so it was not too bad and it worked tempirarily… But one of us had to make the big move in order to ensure a future together so after landing a great job in her area, I moved myself and my son away from most of my family, friends, my life really!
Anyway, there were problems from the start with her and my son. Jealousy issues from both ends and I was always in the middle trying to make peace but at times I’m sure I made it worse.
We lacked good, effective communication but we did love each other and had a lot of future plans.
We also had some issues with the family getting involved, that’s never good.
Make a long story short, she left me about a month ago, moved out of the house and was very adiment about not coming back to me because she says my sons feelings were always more important than hers along with other reasons, mainly us arguing. We weren’t perfect, that’s for sure, but I’m a fighter and a realist… I understood the situation was new for everyone and a year just wasn’t enough time for us to get over the hurdles that we faced. I do not doubt the love she had for me but with a lot of family pressure telling her we just weren’t good together and also some “psychic” readings… She’s gone and I hope not for good 🙁
Unfortunately I have had some really weak days and gave tried for the past week to reach out to her with no reply… I’ve been completely ignored and shut out… A few days before she stopped all communication she told me she felt like she was fighting an addiction. That she missed me but not the fighting. A lot more involved as to what was said but I feel lost. I feel rejected and I feel like I want her back and to start our fresh.
My question, do you think she will come back? Or do you think I have pushed her further away by my constant contact… Well attempt at contact…. Is it too late for me? For us?
Hello Danielle (or Christine), (nobody signs stuff anymore. hard to figure out name.)
Ah well, you’ve got a coupla great questions. Do I think she will come back? Well, it seems likely for at least enough time to see if you are gonna change. Remember, the prime reason people leave is cuz they think their partner is hopeless and will never change. (Map of Relationships) Doesn’t mean you are “hopeless.” You’ve just appeared that way to her. To fix that situation, all you have to do is show that you are changing, even slowly. Of course after changing her pulling away, you two will probably have to learn a lot more.
So where would I focus? “Clingy behavior” has got to go. And you can do it. I call it Reliable Membership and it’s the prime issue in the article you are posting this comment on.
Second big issue is the arguing. That’s gotta stop, but you can do it all on your own. Prime article is the Two World Problem. I haven’t argued with anyone in decades, no matter how hard they try.
Dealing with the family stuff sounds like a lot of boundary issues, so you’ll have to pick up those skills between you.
And lastly that 11 years old. I think I would look into your partner’s criticisms and see if there isn’t a bunch of wisdom in there. A boy of that age, with same gender parenting, can get pretty confused and lost, and his job is to become an adult and leave you two behind. Takes a lot of thought for him, for you, for everyone, our society probably doesn’t help, but I think you can do it.
Al, thank you very much. I will definitely read up on some of your recommendations. If not for this relationship, maybe I can get some insight for my next. Although I’m in no rush for that! Some great feedback and so wonderful that you do this for people! 🙂
– Danielle