What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hey Al,
it’s been three years since I posted some questions when I had problems with my ex gf back then. It was a major turning point in my life. Your site and advices have been invaluable source of knowledge and point of reference for my journey in achieving biological dream and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.
I am now married to a woman of my dream and we have a beautiful baby daughter. I have introduced my wife to your papers and we practice it daily and I believe one day we will achieve our biological dream together.
again, I would like to thank you for your knowledge sharing and dedication to this site. Merry Christmas and Happy New year to you and Sandra. hope you have a great Christmas and new year…
You are welcome, friend. I am very glad to hear you found good stuff at my website and took advantage of it. Pass it on.
Hi
My wife and I broke up today, after 10 years and 2 children. Everything I have read on this site is so recognisable, my current misery almost seems trivial, but at the same time its consoling.
Im devastated, I’m loosing my family, my love, my house, … Things were rough the last couple of years, and I certainly made huge mistakes in our relationship, first of all not making her feel loved, though I do and did and always tried to be good to her. Last couple of months she started going out with old friends, got very close with a guy (who is my complete opposite) and she says that this has made her realize how unhappy Ive made her, and how she feels she has lost herself.
Since she told me this (in an email to my work on a monday morning) a month ago, we have had talks, fights, she lived with her parents for a couple of weeks, was back home for a couple of days… And now it’s over, she is moving out as soon as possible and the house is being sold.
I accept that relationships dont always work out, but Im just so confused, angry, sad and frustrated right now because of the way it happened. I didnt even realize she was unhappy, and though I feel I have woken up and am willing to work on my flaws and mistakes, she wont give me the chance to proof it, since ‘I will never change’. It feels as if I dont know her anymore, and its become almost impossible to connect, though I would like to know exactly what has been and is going on. But, i understand I shouldnt expect any answers or validation from here any time soon. Which is difficult. As i am writing this, she is out late with her friends, including the special one. The day after we broke up. Do i deserve to be treated this way?
At his point, a complete break-up is the only option I feel. I dont know what will happen afterwards, and whether or not I should try to reconciliate over time. i dont want to line myself up for another disappointment, but on the other hand i cant throw away a relationship of 10 years with a woman I love and who is the mother of my children.
I plan to start seeing a therapist soon, my social life has crumbled together with my relationship life last couple of years, and i dont have too many friends left to talk to. I now i should get to work, but i dont know if i am up to the task.
Yes. Sounds really awful time for you. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I’ve found that these times are just horrible. And then one learns from them. Seems we are all designed to learn from, and survive, disasters. That doesn’t make us feel better, but there it is.
Take care of yourself. Breathe, get out for walks/exercise, get to that therapist. Don’t be alone while this is going on! You may want to stay away from people with whom you feel worse. Practice patience.
Read stuff on my website. Make sure you understand the Map of Relationships, since that gives a model for understanding what has gone before, and what you can do about the future.
You’ve got kids, and they won’t want you to do a complete breakup, but you probably have to do a pretty complete breakup of that past relationship – the stuff you two used to do together that led you to this. Tis a study in how much has to be torn apart and rebuilt. Please don’t tear yourself apart. But you will probably want to get rid of any habits you have that let you be blind to what was going on in her till it seems too late.
Your note contains lots of clues and you probably have a lot more. Find that therapist and start sifting through the clues and get to work. When you are ready.
Peace.
Dear Al,
Thanks very much for your reply. I have seen a psychologist meanwhile and I believe I am ready to get to work on myself. Just the fact alone that things ( though not good things) are happening in my life seems to have woken me up, I feel more alive and open than I have felt for a long time.
However, the situation changed (again) a couple of days ago. I dont want to take up any more of your time, but any suggestion on how to handle this would be very much appreciated.
For some reason now she proposed to go to relationship therapist together. Obviously I am over the moon about this, if just only so I can feel we really gave it our best shot, even if things dont work out between us. Problem is that our first appointment is in 2 weeks, and we still live together though she is still romantically involved with the other guy, and she says she can’t seem to break away from him. I understand that she felt very lonely with me for a while, can’t accept my love at this point and finds comfort with someone else who is really putting in the effort. ironic how I now need affection from her and dont get a response, while it was the other way around for so long.
I try to accept this for now, but dont know how to act. I dont want to push her in not seeing him, and just try to let her see I am working on things, but its difficult to live in the same house, to be home babysitting sometimes when I know she is with him. I dont think they are sleeping together, but in any case there are intense feelings between them. They even went out with the kids (he also has a son from a relationship where his wife cheateded on him and left), like a new family… Then again, she also realises that the romantic love she feels now for him will go away and that he might not be the guy for her in the long run.
Im afraid we will blow things again if we live together now, but I also dont want to live somewhere else because I want her to see I am working on things, especially since I have a competitor. I feel I could handle the situation for a while if she would just be straight with me about where she goes and who she sees (without any details) , but that is difficult for her since she thinks I cant handle it emotionally (I have crashed a few times already last month) and because she doesnt want to feel like I am checking up on her. I understand this, but of course for me it is not knowing that hurts.
My plan so far is to keep working, reach out subtely (maybe ask if she wants to go on a date sometime soon, and be okay if she says no), and let her do what she wants with whom she wants, without asking questions. Only problem is I dont know how long I can keep that up without me having another insecurity meltdown.
Hm, another lengthy post… I really dont want to score some free advice and just take up your time, and I guess its difficult to say anything with such little information or actual contact, but I would really appreciate your look on things since your approach and articles have already learnt and helped me a lot. If you find the time to do this, I would be my pleasure to compensate your time with paypal. You can always drop me a mail about this.
Best
Filip
Dear Filip, Glad you are seeing someone and that you are feeling more alive. Tis great!
Also glad she’s suggested a “therapist” for the two of you. That can be pretty useful. One problem, as you are digging around finding out what you did wrong and can improve, is that you will have to separate the stuff you need to fix (you did “wrong”) from the stuff she needs to fix (did “wrong”). An outsider can really help with that process.
Being around her during this time (she considering/tasting another relationship) can be very difficult. Watch yourself. When you start to react or even think you are about to react badly, get away. Take a TimeOut. Remember, you have your limits, even if the stuff that is coming up is just inside of you. Take breaks. You’d have to do this if you were living together in a solid relationship anyway. So this is time for practice.
And it’s normal that you’ve come to switch sides. She feeling lonely (abandoned) in the past and you feeling abandoned now. Well, you get to build some empathy for her. That’s all to the good.
“I’m afraid we will blow things again if we live together now.” Well, the way I see it, only you can “blow things.” It’s ok for her to get angry, loose it, lie to you, say awful things, etc. at any time. Your job it to keep calm and create a safe place for both while she goes wherever she needs. If you are over your limits, take an immediate TimeOut. Since that’s your job, you don’t have to fear someone else messing it up. It’s all in your hands. (Stumbling, in life, is ok )
Probably if she thinks you “can’t handle it emotionally” or have “crashed” in the past, you have learned some dramatic ways of acting “hurt” and blaming others for your drama. Probably learned those tricks as a kid from someone. This is all Passive Master stuff. Time to “adult up” and be self-responsible for how you express your emotions. TimeOuts, again, are helpful. Learning to express emotions, safely, is great. Ask your therapist. The goal is that she comes to see you as a person who is now able to handle your side of the relationship completely – in calm, and perhaps sometimes colorful, competence. No “meltdowns,” particularly that you blame her for. Lots of TimeOuts and self-care.
“Not knowing” is not “hurtful”. But is “scary”. My thoughts. Lizard needs data.
Keep a going. Good luck.
What are your thoughts on patterns of breaking up? I believe I remember you stating you have seen married couples that have divorced each other 3 times. At a certain point is this unhealthy?
My ex Imago match is trying to connect again after leaving for a second time. My lizard is saying "Well why didn't you realize what you had the first two times??" and wants to show him that I am worth more than that. She (my lizard) is in safety and protect mode. She doesn't want someone to be able to hurt her again that has already abandoned her twice. However, when I take 20 minutes to calm my lizard, I see it made sense for him to leave again and that I missed the signs once more.
I know I had 50% responsibility in the reason but I don't know what that was. He never verbally expressed the break up this last time. He just stopped talking to me after almost total of 3 years together. Now once more he has stated his major regret in leaving and expressed that he always has and still does love me. He said he didn't know what was going on in his head when he left. At this point I have only invited him to say more about why he left. I said if you ever figure out what was going on for you when you left last time, I would love to hear about it. No pushing and no overwhelming emotions either.
I remember your saying that he is like a deer coming out of the forest BUT do I want to "feed" him or shoo him away again because of my pride?
The Power Struggle is always rough (unhealthy) and particularly so when a couple goes through the “teasing” of leaving each other. Tis a bit like a doctor facing an old broken bone that has set poorly. Simple solutions don’t work, but you can try ’em. Have to break it again (ouch), and then set it right – this time. I wouldn’t worry about the “unhealthy” appearance of things. To me, the “level of health” you are working on is vastly greater than the “broken-for-resetting” unhealths. I think you are in line with how the world is repairing itself!
While you work with him on his lizard-coming-out-of-forest issue, you are working on your pride-perhap-entitlement issue. Go for it. Sounds good.
I have one thought off the top of my head. First of all I think negativity is not so much a “fact” but an interpretation – thus in the mind of the listener. In other words, I don’t find it very useful to point out to people that they are negative or gossipy. Too much MasterTalk and likely to get you into a “fight” about “truth” which is usually a complete waste of time.
Still the “negativity” it is there in you and it bothers you and probably scares your lizard and their behavior triggers lots of reactions that you have to deal. Holding back from those reactions can be exhausting.
You can take advantage of this whole situation. Assume (rightly or wrongly isn’t important) that they can see your reactions and exaggerate the power of your reactions and exaggerate your effort to hold them back. “When you said that, you probably noticed that I winced. That”wince” is just about me hurting cuz your words/tone brings up a kind of PTSD-like reaction to some real awful stuff in my childhood. It’s not about you but if it gets too strong in me, you may see me taking a break or needing to go home. I just wanted you to understand and to give you a heads-up.”
Take this formula (assuming they can see, explaining your reaction with exaggeration, and sometimes acting on it/leaving) and adapt it to your situation. The worst is you might get a reputation as a person that they might want to be a bit “kind” around, and that wouldn’t be all that bad.
Good luck.
Hey Al,
After The Homecoming game, I was walking my EX to her car and on the way… She said that She wasn’t ready for a relationship, Not because of me but I feel like It was somewhat My fault. I feel horrible and almost want to.. Well you know…
Any Help?
Very little data to go on. All I honestly can do is encourage you to keep going, and keep reading.
Good luck, Jake.
im leaving my husband,we’re in different country now, he expecting me to come to his country but thats the problem, his country. so it stop me to come back. i hope my husband reach me but he do nothing to approach to me,so i ask for divorce after that i never heard from him anymore.should i divorce with him? deep in my heart i dont want divorce,but i want to see his effort to get me again
Hello In-the-middle, All you can do is let him know you want good connection with him, keep in contact, and set a clock so that you don’t wait forever. I wrote about this in “When to Fold ‘Em.” Good luck.