What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hi Al,
Its me again, i have read your papers on pre-validation, validation and especially this thread here, i have also applied my understanding on these topics however i think i am getting more confused by the behaviour of my GF, everytime i pulled away she becomes the clinger and say wants to talk, i tried to validate her where i could, however i begin to think that i am beginning to become invalidated, i tried becoming the source of safety for her and i feel my boundaries are being breached and we ended up in arguments. I sense a high level of Mastertalk when she talks to
me (scary stuff). I think that i tried my best to keep her lizard calm and yet she keeps talking to other guys which makes my lizard goes wild and send me into a tailspin, to make matter worse i found out most of her friends know about our problems which i think just adding fuel to the fire… We kinda agree to have a talk next week about these problems and try to find solution/s before she goes on holidays, but i think there are deeper problems, i am really confused about how to approach the problems as i believe in a relationship requires both parties to commit to work it out and i beginning to
think that i am fighting a losing battle here, please dont see it as i am looking for self gratification and i would really apprrciate it if you (Al) or anyone could shed any light into which area that i am blinded of..
Thank you for listening
Confused
Hi Al,
Thanks for the reply, I was just frustrated and really damn confused with all of these, as I began to do the steps, especially step #4, I tried to ignore or be minimally available, that drives her lizard mad!, she then starts to bombards me with text msgs in less than a day, , I tried calling her or asking to meet up to discuss but she refuses…I am stumped.
dur
And Yes I was blind and still blind to some of the skills or the actual meaning of a relationship. However I began to realise and remember the times where we trying to get to know each other, those long late night phone calls talking about almost anything, going out to movies…basically sharing…whoa! where have I been all these times…
I think that the problem commonly people makes is taking each other for granted just because they been in a relationship for a few years, sometimes it takes one a lifetime to get to know themselves…
People need diversity and autonomy in a relationship, just like a quote from the Poem “Marriage” by Khalil Gibran says “stand together yet not too near together”. guided by some guidelines.
My GF and I both had our shares of bad relationships in the past. and I personally think I was too busy to rush and to shape my GF into my “perfect” partner, that caused the lizards to panicked..
The thing is, I want to become her source of safety but without getting trampled on…her lizard behaviour now confuses me…she wants space, I gave her space, then she'll start txting me again, and sometimes asking Qs that would drive my lizard mad, I know that she is scared, but how can I pass the message gently that she has to deal with her own feelings.
by the way, is saying “I love you” during the first stage of No Contact a good idea?
Sorry if my writing sounds confusing, because I am Confused at the moment…
Thanks for listening and sharing you thoughts
Confused
Hello Confused,
Well, well. Now I can speak of another angle in this situation, cuz you are experiencing it. I like the name you are using as it represents to me a state of awareness that one has to learn. I'm confused so I learn. Cool.
First thougth I have is to remind you that in my theory no one “IS” a clinger or an avoider. Those are postures that people adopt under certain internally/unconsciously felt situations. Sounds as if you are getting more and more clear about what is going on.
She shuts herself off. Focus on your part that you have been blind. Ah, you get to learn that one. So work on your blindness. This is often a matter of having been raised by one or more parents who were pretty blind. Usually this is a matter of learning to develop the habit of validating others, while not invalidating yourself – Road to Empathy.
Second look at her shutting herself off as an avoider behavior – she's somehow gotten overwlemed. Learn about that one.
By the way, text messaging seems a way to extend blindness. Too little bandwidth. I suggest you quit it for a while and use either face to face or phone.
Now comes the clue that you back away and immediately she wants to check you out. She's shifted to clinger. It takes some careful watching to figure this switching out. So look closely.
I loved your phrase “I am tired of playing stupid games just because of her phobia of commitment.” I have to shift seriously into my arrogant pricky state to say something like that. (Yes, I do have one like that inside me.) How angry are you at her? Does your temper get in the way?
Lastly, your questions about two people using the four steps. I think such would be marvelously productive. Two people working on themselves! Two people proving that they are working! Two people without pushyness. Sounds ideal, to me.
Does the Biological Dream exist? You ask me? I sure see its existence as a solid way of understanding people in love. I love the idea.
Dear Jonathan, and Eyes,
I've really enjoyed the back and forth between you two. Good opening up and learning for you Jonathan and great gentle sharing by you Eyes. Cool. I have nothing to add to Eyes' comments. I like the blending of safety/lizard with thoughtful boundaries. Few people are lucky enough to get friends like Eyes, I fear.
I can say a bit about being sources of safety w/o asking. It was, and is, easier if your “partner” can tell you what works for their lizard, but I see that often that doesn't fit the situation. A partner may not be talking, and of course this is cuz their lizard says “Lay low.” In this situation you are offered a opportunity “figure out” the language that your partner's lizard reads.
I start out with noticing their physical behaviors, and starting to guess what shifts them from “relaxed lizard” (Play, Mate, Nurture, Creative Work) to “panic” (Flee, Freeze, Submit, Fight). Get really familiar with the visible (audible, smell etc.) signs of Lizard-Relaxed and Lizard-Panic. [There are lots and lots of examples. Many people have a higher pitched voice when their lizard tightens up. I do.] This study provides a list of what “scares their lizard,” and yours and everones.
My long-term goal is to have my partner come to me to be able to be “relaxed.” I want to represent a safe clearing the the forest of their worries. As I begin to categorize the things that “scare them,” I will notice both A things I do and B things that others do. My goal is thus to reform myself to not do any of A things and to be a source of comfort to my partner whenever B things occur for/to them.
(If you have to make written lists to help you, go for it. You may not want to share much about this at first, cus your partner's lizard may be “scared” of being observed. Lots of lizards seem to avoid the “guard towers of a prison.” I imagine this comes from moms and dads with eyes in the back of their heads.)
Fortunately what you can do that most comforts a lizard from outside fears is often also what helps you get data about their lizard – validation. Whenever you partner speaks, even in the most indirect way, of a fear, gently validate them. That way they feel comfort/understanding and you get info.
Like me, you may have to make yourself an expert at validation. Good luck.
Al,
One Question struck my mind….What if both partners are trying to use these 4 steps? will it be counterproductive?
Thanks
Confused