What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
she tells me that she is not physically or emotionally ready for us to Be together she feels i took her for granted and that i have not changed enough ,hearing this is like a fatal blow and she told me that she doesnt know what she wants not much i can do in my position
My guess is the best thing for you to do is to find a good counselor to walk with you as you figure these things out. If we were chatting, I would pull out the Map of Relationships and try to figure out where you are in the Map and where you want to be. Then I would suggest you learn the specific tools you seem to be missing. As little as you write to me, I can’t figure out what you want to do or what you want from me. Say more.
ok al its been a tuff road but i cant feel sorry for myself what i want from you is to maybe guide me in a positive direction towards her as of know my she is teating me like i used to treat her role reversal, , you have helped me alot alot just continue, i would like to continue being freind with her building true , real love al she is my soulmate i just fuckd up really bad repeatedly, just waiting it out until she gets past this stage she is in i put her there so im tyrying to be patient till she comes towards me
Well, I’m going to be a bit blunt. “ i would like to continue being freind with her building true , real love al she is my soulmate”. My guess is you have to learn how to be a friend and not count on the soulmate stuff. Soulmates, which I call Imago Matches, tend to be people who uniquely drive you crazy until you learn and whom you drive crazy until you learn. Then tend to be just as “dumb” about relationships as you are.
“i just fuckd up really bad repeatedly, just waiting it out until she gets past this stage” Don’t think she will ever forget the stuff you’ve (and she’s) done. Have to learn to grow out of it.
“i put her there so im tyrying to be patient till she comes towards me” Probably won’t be enough. Gotta be able to show her you are makingk steady progress, too.
hi al i have been trying to do things to the best of my ability, being her friend has been extremly tuff, i dont believe i have given her any reason to come towards me,thru this process has been hard for me to deal with so when i do see her all my emotions come out. i dont think she has someone new but kinda feel lije time isnt on my side anymore … i also havnt really stuck to the four steps been tyrna impose my will the whole way,any talk about relationship she gets upset.. were do i go from here its been 9 months ,
Well, keep doing your best and learn to do better. What do you mean by “all your emotions come out”? My imagination is that your actions are giving her more reason to pull/stay away. Sounds sad. What do you mean my “been tryna impose my will the whole way”? Sounds like bullying. That won’t work. And if you are doing that this long after trying to do your best, then it may certainly be difficult for you to change. I wish you lots of good energy.
Hello my name is jason and I’ve been in a 4 yr relationship with my fiance. We have had our diferences through the years but know she has left me on a break. I then woke up but was to late I tried to reason with her but still was to late. She obviously has made her mind up now and I’m trying to figure out now how to cope with the pain and aginy of what has happened. I’ve been harrassing her ab other guys and how long is this break for. I’m getting no where. I obviously just need to stepback and except what has happened.I keep trying to beg for another chance but keep pushing her away further. She wants space but its hard to do that. She said we both need to work on ourselves and our number 1 priority is my 8 mnth old son lucss. What should I do? Just leave her alone like she wants. If I do I’m afraid we will become distant from eachother. I’m trying to be strong and act like it does not bother me and show her that. She wants small talk but I am just ma d and upset at her its so hard to do that.
Sounds like you are stumbling in the right direction, Jason. After all, you wrote your comment on my best-advice article. Follow the Four Steps. If you get “small talk” with her, that’s pretty good. Work on yourself. If you get freaky, see a counselor right away. We humans are designed to live alone, but not very well. If you had a childhood like mine, her pulling away would be awful. But I bet you earned it. Keep learning.
Me and my boyfriend have been together two year and have lived together for 1 1/2 years. We never fight we have allot of fun together and we love each other allot we work together very well at being responsible and have the same goals. Last night i drank and i never drink and he never does either. we went out with my friends who he didnt know everything was fine all day untill we haeded back home he was mad he never tells me when hes upser he says it has to do with his cildhood. Anyways so i pushed and pushed to know wat was wrong finally he yelled at me i wanna go back to the house so i got mad cuz he yelled it and i was trying to make him happy. to he started to walk down the road and said give my a couple min to calm down. I didnt witch i should have. I grabbed his shirt and he pulled real hard and it ripped he called me a nasty word. we never call each other names. So i hit him he crossed the line and so did I we never get physical. So he ran down the highway and i followed with no shoes. He said we are over. then the cops picked us up and took me home and him to a gas station to go to his moms two hours away. Today we talked on the phone I asked if we were really over and he said yeas….no…..i dont know i have to think. Ill talk to you later. I messed up and he messed up and this is so bad cuz we never act or talk to each other like this. I decided i shouldnt drink. but now i dont know wat to do he says he needs space and time to think. We never have fights and we try to work together to keep eachother happy. Now im really scared he that it really is over. what do i do. Whats going to happen
Gosh your mistakes, his and yours, sound familiar. Those late night, often post drinking, battles involving cars, and empty road, maybe the police! Yeah. Been there, done that. Not for a long time, though. It’s called the Power Struggle and I believe all couples get into it for longer or shorter. Probably everyone who reads this website recoginizes it. Since everyone goes through it, I believe it is meant to happen. A great time to start learning the lessons you haven’t learned up til now. Go for it. Lots on my website.
I don’t know what will help you feel less alone. The memory I have of doing this with my partner involves rain on a dark road, her driving off, me running down the road after her weeping. Glad to be through that stage.
Hi Al, Its me again Terrence ,hope all is well. here goes.
im now in 8 months of breakup with my ex gf,at this time she only wants to be friends. of course i want more ,we see each other a few times a month. she tells me that the time isn’t right. so i mean i feel if she didn’t care she would have cut me off. Also she asked me why i want to be with her now after all this time apart. She also ask what is my motive. After us being friends after breaking up why does she think I even have a motive. I just wanna show her we can build a better life together than what we had before.. what should i do now……
Boy are you lucky, to see her a couple of times a month. Lots of things you can do during those visits. My first thougth was to learn to demonstrate PreValidation and Validation. Become an expert at that.
Example: She asks what is your motive. 1st is to remember that all people make sense all the time and thus her asking you anything makes sense to her and her asking just exactly that question makes sense to her. Your question to me “why does she think I even have a motive” gives me the impression that you didn’t see her sense, didn’t ask, and still don’t. I think you want to quit those habits of being blind. She probably presents her sense to you a lot and you miss the chance to see it, and to validate it. My guess is that you want to become an expert at Validation because you do want to show her that you can do your part to build a better life together. ( Here’s a letter someone wrote me after I’d worked with him and his wife. )
Thanks Al,
Well I'm trying to get to a better place with her. She tells me, "why now do i want her, why do i want to make things right at this point , i had 3 years to do right by her."
How do figure out if i can get her to meet me half way. So far I see she is not convinced in going anywere past friends with me.
Hang in there, Terrence. Good to have her saying anything. I think she’s telling you that she didn’t think you met her even close to half way for at least a major part of the 3 years, and why would you would change. And she’s probably wondering why should she believe anything you say.
If you want her to meet you half way, you will have to overcome the stuff you’ve done in the past AND her memories of it. Well, that’s ok. Just a bunch of learning. It is nice to know what things you do/have done are specifically irritating to her. Helps you know where to focus your learning efforts.
I was chatting to a clinger this morning and found myself mentioning that in a relationship things aren’t always equal. Frequently it is the clingers who have go well over 50% of the distance. But that’s ok so long as it works.
Good luck..
Hi al, how are you, well know I’m wondering about her interest level toward me and is it ok for me to Co.tinue iniiating all of our contacts though its goings on 10 months any tips were I can have positive progress would be appreciated
Dear Terrence, you’d have to give me more details to make any useful suggestions. I hope you have applied to your life lots of the stuff I’ve suggested on my website. If she’s seen you as changing, she may be pretty involved with someone else. That should blow over as she gets into the next Power Struggle. Then you and your work on yourself should be in a pretty good position. Still 10 months is a long time. Sad.
Good luck.
Our contacts are all initiated by me, she’s onto wants to befreinds she says she is single and its not the right time, but I feel she isn’t tryin to resolve anything she seems like it she don’t care
Dear Terrence, it sounds painful. I’m sorry.
My guess is somehow she’s scared of you or being with you. Hope you can figure this out.
Hi Al. Great site, phenomenal amount or material I may be reading into old age but heh it is all a part of the journey. I had a roller coaster relationship with my lady for 5 years during which time I divorced my now ex-wife after 18 years, her once good friend, I am 50 have four children from that marriage two grown up and a 15 and 6 year old, my partner (I hope still) has two grown up children. We worked together closely in the same room of the same office every day for a business I own, we lived together for most of that time although in recent months she had taken a flat separate from where I stayed after an argument, siting her desire for independence,.
In truth when we argued she felt able to demand I leave. I wandered down the road of holding her responsible for her behavior during this period reading much about narcissism and really did not do any empathic listening. Our relationship was very intense and we did many wonderful and loving things together and indeed had a real connectedness which I suspect allowed us to ignore the problems in wait for the good times just around the corner, allowing the bad stuff to fester and grow and never be resolved.
Early this year she told me that she did not want to see me any more, I asked her if she thought things were over and she said you can make that choice and I felt at that time it was just another test, I had become archetype Beta Male since she moved out chasing a little more and a little more each time she pulled away. This time I did not chase, I figured it would not help. At work we still saw one another for the 4 days a week we worked together but it was usually strained and quiet though I tried to keep basic kindnesses going. I was being dealt with ‘silently’ and felt unable to bring up ‘us’ at all and at that point did not understand where to go but hoped things would get better so I kept my own council…..during this period my partner was quite ‘up’ when I was down so I did my best to give no ammunition despite many attempts to demean and undermine me/us. After two months of this ‘sudden’ change in status, with increasing feedback from staff and customers how obvious and uncomfortable our situation was I took the (in retrospect wrong) decision to make her redundant….I hoped to shock her into communication I think and to re-ignite myself as an Alpha male in her eyes…….in retrospect what a crock.
Anyway she left that day, has half my clothes at her flat. I have since moved flat and have many items of her furniture in storage, she never calls me and though I tried to text her around that time (approaching 6 weeks ago) I received no reply and imagining her as VERY angry let her have her space……I think beyond her pride and my stupidity there is an honest and deep well of love between us, I need to understand better the principals of avoider and clinger and read them avidly and learn much about empathic listening and the space wall I am as clingy as hell; but I have no forum for addressing a number of the actions you suggest taking. I have worked hard on myself mentally, and physically, at the gym twice a day, battling the loneliness that is inevitable, understanding my part in our split.
I wrote to her last week after several weeks of no contact very briefly, a hand written note just to say I understood her decision and that I was taking alone time to think about how things had ended and my part in that and to wish her the very best….then found out the day I after I posted it that she is giving up the flat she lives in. I don’t know how to evolve minimal contact we do not ‘accidentally’ cross paths, we used to go to the same gym but I cancelled the direct debit and she stopped when it expired a few weeks back (I had generally avoided going in when I saw her car there) so I cannot show her my evolution as it continues.
I have much faith in ‘Love’ in and of itself but I think there is much anger and pride getting in her way as I needed get of my own bulldog ego. Is there anything that I can do to create this minimal contact without seeming to stalk her, is it OK to prompt contact ‘occasionally’ perhaps send a text on a minor anniversary (two years this Friday since we ran our first marathon together in Scotland) Or would you think trust to the universe……. she knows where to find me…..etc etc.