What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hey Al,
I just started seeing a girl a few weeks ago and all of a sudden she told me things were going too fast for her and that she needed time to think and that she needed some space because she hasn’t been in a relationship for a while.
I am respecting her decision and giving her space but it is so hard for me. I’ve developed some really deep feelings during the few weeks that we have known each other and she is so special to me. I wish I could make everything better and have her back in my life but I know that if I am too needy or clingy then that will only push her away even more. I have never felt for a girl this type of way so I suppose that is the reason why this is so hard for me.
She told me she would call me Sunday night and I never received a call or a text from her. I messaged her on Facebook to tell her that I hoped she was OK and that I was thinking about her and it took her 2 days to contact me. She said she was sorry but she needs time to herself right now to think about what she wants. She even told me that she was really happy that she met me because she hasn’t had feelings for a guy in a long time and she loved the way I treated her.
Now I am lost without her in my life. I feel like all I am doing is sitting around and waiting for her to message me or call me and I am losing it. I care about this girl so much and I’m not one to post things on sites like this but I don’t know where else to turn to for support. She’s absolutely amazing in so many different ways that I cant even count them.
I am giving her the space she asked me for so I hope that she will realize how happy she was when we were talking and contact me again soon. I’m crossing my fingers here….Thanks for listening to my sob story =/
Hi i was nervous about posting here but here goes me and my gf broke up four months ago, for the 2nd time in the relationship. were togethter for almost three years, i didnt treat her exactly like you would treat a woman , i cheated on her she took me back, she says i dont now how to treat a woman , dont no how to talk to a woman, she basically doesnt like 90 % of my characterists period. we went thru alot, good and bad times, she told me that i was never in the relationship when we started talking i was just coming out of a 8 yr on and off, so i guess maybe i was still living in the past. i need some advice becuase she is a very speacial woman to me , i would like to maybe have a chance with her agian one day. were freinds still we hang out like once a month but nothing serouis, wen i ask her will she ever give me another chance she says she dont wana go thru that. also sumtimes she gives mix signals, and if i was that bad why does she continue beings friends and she nows that i want more from her.. and i dont now were her true feeling are she seems different this time around i now she has moved on, but sometime she is ice cold, i would just like to now if i even have a chance for something maybe down the road, i didnt realize how much damage was done but she is showing me now, it hurts and it sucks, no matter what i do or try nothing works it friends or nothing..
Well Terrence, I like you. Two great things going for you: a) she’s a very special woman to you (Imago Match) and b) you are in the middle of a whole pile of data about what you need to do. Can’t fix or build a relationship until you know it’s a mess. You got that. She’s got your attention.
She’s not given up on you. “Only thing that makes you forget your last Imago match is finding your next Imago match.” If she had done that, found her next, you wouldn’t hear from her at all.
I believe it really only “takes one to build a great relationship” so now all you have is get to work. And you have the first clue on what to do. You think “nothing works.” I take that to mean that you don’t know what you need to do. Thus you gotta learn a while pile of new things. Your first question to everyone you meet should be “what do you think I need to learn about relationships?” Follow that up with “Show me how or where to learn that.” In my journey I had to learn and become expert at stuff my parents never heard of.
If you are wanting this gal, then the stuff to learn that should go to the top of your “me gonna learn this stuff” list is related to what she is/has complained about.
Once you’ve learned anything new, learned it and practiced it, I think it’s useful to have her see it – the new you.
Go for it, Terrence.
thank you for your advice im grateful for what you have told me, i will get to work
hey al i may have left some points out sorry, here goes.
well i met her initially in 1999 for the first time we dated for a yr and a half i though i was to young to be with her it didn’t work out,
we got back together in 2009, four months after i left my other gf. but were we are now since a four month break up, she refers to last year when we were living together in a small place i found i though she was uncomfortable with living with a man in such a small place it was her first time,
so eventually she got under my skin i told her she can leave, then as time went by i got a little worst, like i said i don’t know if she is seeking revenge or what, but
she clearly doesn’t want to be back in a relationship with me. she told me that i drilled it in her head that i didn’t need her now all of a sudden i want to do right by her and treat her good after all we been thru , she totally not buying it ,
which makes it difficult for me to remain a friend if there no progress.
so i mean i understand what changes have to be made on my behalf, my behaviors, my characteristics, my list of things that she hates, ok but its not easy,
also i have been pushing the issue of getting back together that upsets her, i didn’t realize it i was just scared.
but i’m ready to do the right thing were do i start and how do i convince her before she walks away for good, time is ticking,
key note (she is 52 i’m 34, but i love her with all my heart she just doesn’t believe me)
Interesting journey you have going on, Terrence. I think you have a bit of the idea about “not pushing.” Now I think you’re going to have to work on learning to Validate her. (You can practice on anyone.) This skill would be even more important, I think, with a person 18 years older. I would start to take her actions, todays and over the past years, only as a cue to start understanding her. Whenever she surprises you it is because a) she didn’t tell you beforehand or b) cuz you weren’t listening.
For instance, you want her to believe that you love her. You can go two ways with this. Either a) you can know she is wrong, cuz you do love her or b) you can seek to understand her – “why in the face of evidence she believes you don’t love her.” If you think she has no good reason for her belief, I would suggest you have a lot to learn about Empathy. Start with understanding why she doesn’t believe it. Put the idea that she is wrong right out of your mind.
So the two articles I’ve written are on PreValidation and Master/Slave.
Not pushing anymore because it only complicates things more then they already are, as for now we are in minimal contact, she says i can call her and we can see each other once a week,
is that enough to build from, and do i continue to validate her. your advice is greatly appreciated
Seems certainly enough for the time being. And anyway, what choice do you have. Validate her always – forever.
As for master talk it was some of that going on , so i realize what she was getting from my actions i did not treat her good I am lucky that she is even my friend at all, for validating that may take a while, but i will continue to learn and practice, hav’nt spoke to her in three weeks, want things to go smooth from this point on, will just be a friend to her no pushing or reminding her of the past any advice i can use as my main goal is for her to give us another chance someday..
Long story ahead, but in short, my relationship ended because we had started to feel distant in our relationship, I was working a lot in a demanding and stressful field and she’s a senior in college, and timing was an issue, and she broke up with me. I understand that NC is meant to heal and move on, but in the event that I want to get back together with her, how is implementing NC when the issue was feeling distant going to help?
Now the story:
I was dating an incredible, beautiful girl for nearly 3 years, the one I wanted to marry. Everything was amazing. It started in college, survived two semesters abroad (one for me one for her), and lasted until a couple weeks ago. We had talked about marriage, kids, all of that stuff in the future. I graduated last year and started working in a very demanding field that requires ridiculous hours (investment banking) and she is still in college graduating this semester. We are currently in the same city but I would only see her about 20 minutes a day before and after work (really early and really really late), and then on the weekends. I was really close with her friends and her family; she the same with mine. Never had any conflicts or any substantial arguments and shared an amazingly intimate, healthy, loving relationship that, in my eyes, was perfect until just a month ago.
When I first started on the job, the hours were bad, but she was extremely supportive. She would stay over my apartment and wait for me to come home; she would leave little notes and cards on my desk; we would text throughout the day. The job was super stressful, and she would be there to support me, listening to my day, and all of that. I would do the same for her, and I would be all ears to hear about her day. We were both super busy though, with her on her last year and me in a demanding job. And so it went, not much time spent together during the week, but weekends were great. Slowly however, things began to unravel.
We spent New Years together with my family, and it was an amazing time. I recall her telling me, “you are so much more relaxed when you’re not working, I love it.” Everything was perfect. The next couple weeks were hell — a couple 100+ hour work weeks and utter exhaustion. Then after a night out on the town where we got dinner and drinks and had a wonderful conversation and amazing sex, we are about to go to bed when she says “do you feel like we’re just going through the motions?”
When I heard that I did get freaked out… it drew a lot of parallels to how my previous relationship ended (not well at all). We talked about it calmly, and she wasn’t sure what she was thinking, just that she felt that sometimes we were going through the motions. We talked about it through the next day, but then when the topic of making taking some space came up she recoiled. We ended up taking a trip the following weekend, staying at a hotel and going for a romantic evening out. I thought all was good again in the world.
Things ended up getting much worse after that. She started to withdraw from me, and then essentially blew me off when a bunch of my friends came into town and it would’ve meant a lot of me to have her come and say hi at a bar we were at. I was pretty pissed about it and in my drunken state I texted her about taking me for granted and some other random stuff of the sort. She was upset and said that she wasn’t taking me for granted but wasn’t sure what she wanted… she said she loved me and that I was her everything, but felt like we were forcing the relationship.
The next day, we didn’t talk until the evening. She went out to dinner with a friend but asked for me to come over afterwards. I went over and we sat on her couch, and I asked her if everything was alright. She said that she had been sad for a while, and that she felt like we were growing distant. She reiterated the forcing of the relationship, given that we weren’t spending much time together. Also, I had told her my plans a few months earlier to quit my job this coming summer and move to another city to start my own business, whereas she would be staying in the same city we went to college for at least a year or so. That was also pulling at her. She felt that we were at “different times in our lives.”
At the end, we agreed to take a break… obviously having been through a similar situation years ago, I knew what that meant and was prepared for the worst. A week later, we talk over the phone and she tells me that she had thought long and hard over the course of the break and believed that it might be best for us to break up. She claimed that over the course of the week she felt really happy and relieved. She reiterated that the timing was an issue, given that we would be in different cities for a substantial amount of time, and she really wanted to be “present” for her last semester of college (especially since she was so busy and she wanted to enjoy her friends for this last semester) and in the city that we lived in post-graduation. It was an amicable conversation; she cried the whole time but I maintained my composure and tone. I reiterated my feelings for her, and also apologized for placing the stresses of my job onto her, if that had become a burden. She said that I had done everything right. She also told me about a coworker who had broken up with her then fiance because of a similar situation (him moving to a different city and her staying in college), and that they eventually ended up back together. I asked her if she still saw us together in the future, and she said “of course.” We told each other that we loved each other and that was that.
Now I am sitting in my apartment with an empty box, trying to pack up her belongings. Honestly, it’s pretty damn depressing. We haven’t spoken since the breakup, and that’s been my plan — to maintain NC for my own sake of “moving on” and for her to hopefully start to miss me. It’s been a couple days and while I’ve deviated from the path with Facebook profile looking I have not contacted her in any means. The fact that we broke up on very respectful and amicable terms lessens my bitterness, and we truly shared an amazingly beautiful relationship that helped both of us grow. Honestly, I still think she is the one, despite this development. I’m doing my best to live my own life — fortunately I am busy with work so that takes most of my time, and I am going to Las Vegas with a buddy of mine this coming weekend (unless work gets in the way of course). But I don’t know what to do. I believe that she will eventually come join me in the city I want to move to eventually, but until then I am just crushed when I think about being apart for so long, when things had been going so well and everything felt so right. We had gone through so much together, and it was just bizarre that things took a turn for the worse so quickly.
I would love to hear your thoughts about how best to proceed. Obviously I have read enough posts to know that right now I have to work on myself and work on moving on, but oddly enough I don’t want to move on. Maybe I am scared to forget her. I am procrastinating the packing of her stuff, even though she hasn’t asked for any of it back… I just want the feeling of having her here again. By packing up her stuff I am going to lose her presence here. It’s heartbreaking to think that this apartment was essentially ours together, and now that she’s gone everything has been tainted.
What do you guys think our chances are of getting back together? Waiting a year or however long it takes is really tough, but do you guys think she will start to miss me soon through NC and by graduation all this will be resolved? I know that I can live without her — I don’t need to be with her — but I want to so incredibly badly. I know it takes two parties to make a relationship work, and if one isn’t fully invested then it won’t work. Maybe in time she will realize that not having me by her side to be her support, her man, her love is really tough. But for now, life goes on.
We ended up meeting over the weekend, so that I could drop off some of her belongings. We ended up chatting for about an hour — she was exhibiting fairly strong body language signals — (as lame as this sounds, I know) — pointing her knee towards me, dilated pupils, kept looking at my eyes and then at my lips, etc. There were several times where I thought we might kiss, but I think it’s too early to go down that road. She also took my hand and caressed it, saying “I didn’t know you had calluses… I never noticed that” etc., as if it were an excuse to have contact. We caught up and it was just like old times — I really felt the spark again. In my lone moment of weakness, I said that I missed her, and she told me the same, and reiterated how great it was to see me. And we had a really wonderful hug at the end and it didn’t seem like she wanted me to leave. She also said “let’s hang out again soon”. Afterwards she initiated a text conversation, thanking me for bringing her belongings and reiterating how wonderful it was to see me. I had returned a ring that she had given me as a keepsake a while ago, and she said it was really hard seeing the ring; she said that she had hoped I would keep it on my keychain. She may give it back to me and asked for me to keep it on my keychain. Afterwards, she thanked me again and said that I seemed really happy and she was so glad to see that. No mention of being friends and all of that kind of stuff.
I guess now that rapport is still there I’m going to give it some time, and then work on attracting her back. Maybe more time LC / NC would help too? I think the space really gave our meeting a kick in the right direction… I think I may continue to step away and give some space. Do you all think that’s the right approach moving forward?
Dear Phil, Couple of thoughts. I don’t believe in NC (no contact).
I believe in grasping the whole situation, focusing on the things/skills you need to learn, defocusing on what she needs to learn, getting on with it. Seems to me like a normal “end of Romantic Love” – “beginning of Power Struggle” situation. See my Map of Relationships. So things are just beginning for both of you.
I think you are getting the idea that there is more going on that you are aware of. In particular, when you think she is sharing “it all”, she ain’t. My guess is you are going to have to “walk for a period of life” with her learning empathy, getting to share-it-all, and getting rid of your own tendency to be a Master to her Slave. Just a guess. Good luck.
Al, thank you so much for your reply — I really appreciate that you took the time to read and respond. However, I’m a little confused about the second part of what you are referring to — could you please provide a little additional color on the sharing it all / gaining empathy / walking for a period of life?
I desire nothing more than to get to the 4% that make it through the power struggle stage to Vintage love!!!
Thank you so much.
In addition — she asked me to coffee this weekend to catch up. We have seen each other briefly once a week (returning belongings and whatnot) since we broke up 3 weeks ago. Do you think this is a good idea?
Personally, I think that any contact you can get that feels pleasant is a good idea. I think you want to display what you are learning
But follow the rules. Don’t do too much. Give her slightly less contact than she wants, which will probably be vastly less contact than you want. Its ok to tell her what you are doing. “Say hun, what I am trying to do is become good at being a non-pushy person. To that end I am practicing stopping visits with you long before I want to – till I get used to it.” Good luck.
Sure, Phil.
I think one of the natural goals of a great relationship (4% or Vintage Love in my language) is the learned ability to freely share everything needed with each other. I think “needed” refers to anything your partner wants to hear about. The result of this ability/amount of sharing is relaxation and safety for both. My article on Sharing would probably be helpful to you. Getting to this level of sharing takes quite a while, step by step.
Empathy, I think is a critical skill for both parties. (My article on the Road to Empathy may be useful.) Tis very typical for one partner to make forward steps on learning empathy while the other is lagging behind. Lots of people don’t know how to be empathic or maybe reliably empathic. Also many seem so unacustomed to having others being empathic that they are scared of it when they experience it. So it, again, takes time.
My guess is that you may have to make progress at being empathic and supportive of your partner learning to be relax and eventually be empathic herself.
Well, you got to get to work.
I have now realized that one of the reasons we had broken up was that the relationship had begun to go stale, and the fact that we were each involved in many things neglected to continue to nurture the relationship. It’s been about a month and a half since we’ve broken up and there hasn’t been too much contact. She invited me to go to a concert that holds significance in our past relationship (we had seen the band on our first date) in August, but when I asked what her intentions were for inviting me she said they were “meant to be friendly.” I didn’t think I could handle being just friends so I declined.
Where do you suggest I go from here? I’m reading your articles and working on bettering myself, but she is definitely my Imago match.
There are a couple of possibilities here. As you had an off again on again three year relationship. That doesn’t sound very long. It is quite possible while “she is your imago” match, you may not be her’s. While you may feel the intense attraction for her, she may not feel that for you. So she may still be “looking.” A full Imago Match looks like both are entangled with the other both positivelly (“in love”) and negatively (“fighting for things to be better”). Both have trouble getting/going away from each other and trouble being together.
I don’t think “relationships go stale.” One or both may become bored with the complacency, true. But you can always start “dating” and “doing creative fun.”
Another possibility is that she wants to explore in life, try new things, adventures, and you haven’t been an encouraging partner.
Whatever, it doesn’t sound like a hot starting-up relationship. Perhaps you, too, need to keep looking. Just a guess.
Al,
Thanks for your most recent reply — for some reason I can’t respond directly to your last message which reads: “There are a couple of possibilities here. As you had an off again on again three year relationship. That doesn’t sound very long. It is quite possible while “she is your imago” match, you may not be her’s. While you may feel the intense attraction for her, she may not feel that for you. So she may still be “looking.” A full Imago Match looks like both are entangled with the other both positivelly (“in love”) and negatively (“fighting for things to be better”). Both have trouble getting/going away from each other and trouble being together. I don’t think “relationships go stale.” One or both may become bored with the complacency, true. But you can always start “dating” and “doing creative fun.” Another possibility is that she wants to explore in life, try new things, adventures, and you haven’t been an encouraging partner. Whatever, it doesn’t sound like a hot starting-up relationship. Perhaps you, too, need to keep looking. Just a guess”
Perhaps I didn’t make it clear enough that it actually wasn’t an on-again off-again three year relationship. It actually was very much on, and never was breaking up even an option, except for the last couple weeks, and this relationship included obstacles such as 2 6-month periods of long distance in which we made it through extremely strong and better than before. It was when I began working 90 hour weeks and she began to have schoolwork pile up that we couldn’t focus on the relationship and we grew apart.
Dear Bruised,
I hear you, and with the additional input begin to wonder what’s going on here that you don’t know about.
I hear your belief that is was a very much on-relationship that was, in your view, very strong. True, there were two half-year periods of long distance, but you thought those made it even stronger. I also hear your theory that the relationship was becoming stale because both of you were neglecting to nurture the relationship. I underline those phrases cuz while I hear them, I hear behavior from her that suggests she has other thoughts, maybe critically different, which you may not know about. I also wonder why you would do a 90 hour week and I wonder what were her thoughts about that.
Seems to me I need more info to be helpful, and it is possible you need more info from her also. My general belief is that before good solutions to a couple’s problems are found they have to get everything out on the table.
Also I am used to couples finding troubles (which they have been avoiding) by chosing jobs or tasks that “force” them to be away from each other. When couple walked in the door and he worked nights, she worked days, I would check to see if there were things going on that made them uncomfortable to be together. I assumed my job was not to help them adapt to jobs that kept them apart, but to help them with the “reasons” they needed jobs to keep them apart.
Anyway, I hope my sharing can be helpful to getting more info.
Hi All,
first of all thank you for great site and awesome articles. If only most of us would have start reading them before we got into trouble. 🙂
My situation is like this. 6 months ago my girlfriend of 7 years left me. It was a sudden decision, when she found out about me lying and hiding to her about me watching porn. The reason for breakup she said was lying.
But still after 6 months, we hear each other on daily basis, see each other at least once a week, do funny things together (go skiing, on hill climbing, movie watching, to sauna, going on a concerts…), and always when we’re together we have really great times. But then again she’s saying it’s over between us, that at the moment we can’t be together ( always using the word “at the moment”…and I ask her why this word constantly, she then told me then without that word) also I should move on, but if then I say, that this will mean that we will no longer hear from each other, the she starts crying and start twisting my words, saying I said I don’t want to hear from her…and I know if I do that, disappear from her life, that this would really mean I’ve lost all the chances.
She knows I would like to be with her, but always we talked about that, she said that at the moment she cant be with me. But if I do something stupid, like get offended like a child for something stupid, what happened around 2 weeks ago, then her words are that she’s glad I’m acting like this, because with that behaviour I knock thoughts, like being with me again, from her head.
I’ve already done some changes in my life, like move on my own, where I take care of all thing, like cooking, washing clothes, all the domestic works. I’ve started working out more, exercising, and would really like to become more responsible person with some goals in my life. We both know, we are really compatible for going together through life. But we have never really lived together, where we could truly enjoy all the benefits from that.
I would really like her back, but at the moments I just feel like she’s just waiting to meet someone special and then move on from me, also there are moments I think we’re making maybe a little progress, but if I do some stupid thing again then I have the feeling a step backwards has been made. I also have the feeling now matter how hard she try’s it’s very hard for her to actually move on from me…it looks like she can’t do this on her own, and needs someone to try and replace me. But even then I believe it would be very hard for her.
I would really appreciate any of advice, since I’m lost. All I think I can do now, is just be patient and work on me and maybe this would get me somewhere.
Thank you:)
Hello Betson, Yup. About the only thing you can do is a) act patient, b) clearly work on yourself wisely and visibly. There’s no magic here. I could pull lots of little learning threads out of your letter, but really that’s for you.
You guys seem to be living in the choice point (my Map of Relationships). Don’t want to fall back into the Power Struggle. Haven’t yet gone through Door #3 and split. So how long do you sit there or do you give up (Door #2) or really get going into learning (Door #1). Tis called “ambivalence” and can go on for quite a while. All my writings are about Door #1 and I encourage you to head that way as hard as you can.
Once you’ve fallen in love (you guys were together for years and so that qualifies) the person with you is the/a “right person.”
Thank you, I will do my best and head for Door #1 of course. Hopefully successfully and that she’ll notice that.
Ohh yes in my first post I forgot to mention something. It happened 2 times in January where I’ve made her angry, by not being understanding of her ways (both times it was totally my fault, looking objectively). Well after she has calmed down, she became very happy and also very playful with me, towards me almost like she was “hitting” on me, or saying to me that she hopes I pull myself through and we could be back again or I don’t know…well she was totally happy, which really came as a surprise to me, since I totally made her angry like half an hour ago. She didn’t say anything with words, didn’t even apply to it…but with body language and her attitude it looked to me like that.
Why could be that?
Interesting, Betson. Well, first learning is that “No one can make anyone feel anything.” Put it up in a sign on your wall. Ponder it, until you never say, “I made her angry/sad/quilty.etc.” again. Ponder it, till you automatically ponder why she chose to feel angry/sad/guilty.etc and you seek habitually to understand and validate her choices. Tis all about empathy and intimacy. Go for it.
Hi Al, what about divorce? What’s your take on the potential for divorced couples to reconcile? You know, all the who/what/when/why/where/how questions…
Hello Jason, I had to laugh at how easy it is to frame a question.
Well, my thoughts are pretty simple on this. I see a Divorce somewhat similarly to how I see a Marriage – a legal and social event that often has glancing effects on a relationship. Lots of people move into "marriage" without a wedding. Lots of people leave a "marriage" without a divorce. I believe that most "legally married people" are living a kind of divorced relationship – Door #2 in my Map of Relationships. Oh well.
But I think you are focused more on "if a couple is divorced what are the blocks to getting remarried?" In my experience lots of people who are divorced reconnect and try again. Given my Map, I think that it is easier to do that than to go out, find a new partner, and try once more to get to Vintage Love. A person you've been married with has a lot of advantages. You know a lot about them and how you react to them and them to you. You thus have a lot of ideas about specific things you both need to learn to get to Vintage Love. You have, probably, a solid Imago Match. And you've probably learned a lot of the little things.
True, you've gone through Divorce, but that can be converted into a massive learning experience. The rest is just the details.
I'd say, "Go for it."
Question on the Great Shift: you say the option you’re most interested in is Option 1: quit and split? How is quitting and splitting the option you like most?
“This is a satisfying way out of the pain, the way that people falling in love want to follow, and the way that I teach.”
This sounds like you are teaching people to give up and leave rather than give up and stay together (Option 2).
Am I misunderstanding?
Yup, I think you misread, Jason. But its a very common mistake. I numbered those options kinda backwards. (And for those following this discussion, the article we are referring to is "Getting to Work" which also refers to my Map of Relationships.) I named those Doors (#1, #2, #3) from top to bottom on the chart. Splitting and Divorcing became Door #3 or in this article Option #3. Yet it is the first door I chat about in my discussion. Actually the discussion goes door #3, door #1 and door #1, I think. It comes out better as a whiteboard or powerpoint. Sorry for the confusion.
My work is all about Door #1, the University of Life that leads to Vintage Love – for everyone.
I’m still kind of lost (imagine that…). Yes, I “hear” that many divorced couples get back together (I am even online friends with a women on Psychology Today who has done it and has a whole blog on PT about it) but I have no clue, zero, nothing, in the means by which that is done. While I agree that both partners almost always have a hand in the divorce what I also believe is that the divorce is almost always initiated by one person, the “WAS”, or walk-away spouse as they are described on some websites – as opposed to the LBS or the left-behind spouse. The WAS is done at that point and pretty much has no interest what so ever is reconciling. Once the divorce is final and all the specifics are taken care of, what does one do at that point. When there is no other contact because there are no kids, what choice do I really have (I’ll start speaking in the first person now). You advise against “no contact” but what if there is no reason for contact and she, being the one who filed for divorce doesn’t want contact, at least not on any personal level. Look, to put it in black and white you say a lot about what a “partner” should do, make less contact, don’t go no contact, etc. But what if you are no longer “partners”. I know it too early in my timeline for this but I am interested in the future potential. I know it happens, I just have no clue how to go about it. Or is it just as simple as send an email when the time is right and just waiting? A lot of questions here, please try to address each one. Thank you Al
Yep, you sound lost about what to do. I would find yourself a counselor to work/walk with you.
Couples do get back together, all the time. Most don’t, but many do. Read my Map of Relationships to try to get yourself organized. Good luck.