What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Dear Jim
Reading your posts and hearing that weight was an issue in your relationship, and seeing that you are seeking advice about how to behave now, I was wondering if you are familiar with the work of Dr Judi Hollis? She writes about weight, diet, addiction and family dynamics, and is very insightful about the impact of weight loss on relationships.
For me, learning about myself has been a great way to make sense of what has gone wrong in my relationships, and keep me from focusing obsessively on the other person. I wonder if reading ‘Fat is a Family Affair’ or one of Dr Hollis’ other books might help with Stage 3 of Al’s plan, and keep you occupied while you stay away and not push and let go.
Best wishes
Sarah
She found out pretty quick that pretty girls get alot of male attention at the bar. It overwhelmed her with self confidence and as she told me a few weeks ago the will power to leave me. She changed her mind and wanted to stay. After that our “new” life started. Unfortunatly I fell back into my depression, I was still reeling with all the thoughts of her “wanting to leave me”and knowing all the guys that must constantly hit on her at work. In came jealousy, snide comments about getting all dressed up to go to work and envy. All the symptoms of a control freak, which I didnt see till it was too late. Fast forward to 3 months ago and she tells me again she wants to leave but this time tells me she loves me but isn’t in love with me. We are not the same people as when we met and she thought we needed to seperate so she could get her head straight. I panicked, I started to ask her daily if she still wanted to leave. Just badgering and hacking away at her, until 1 day I just busted into the room and told her that I needed to know now what was going on! Who was he, when and I was sure where “they” met. On her way to work that day she pulled over to the side of the road, sent a very odd sounding text to her sisters and me and ate way to many pills. I found her and rushed her to the hospital. She recovered quickly and I took a week off of work to plant myself securly in her grill. 1 month after that she moved in with her sister, and a month after that she moved into her own apartment.
I know there was a whole lot I could have done then that I just didnt do. And there is alot of good times that I just haven’t written about. I have pictures 15 years of them and they all portray a happy loving family.
We still haven’t signed any paperwork. Her councilor has told her to give it 6 months before she makes any rash decisions. My councilor has told me to STAY AWAY. STOP PUSHING. I just cant seem to stop. I’m a mess, I have never been an emotional guy. All I want to do is cry at songs on the radio at tv shows at movies. I really could use some advice about how to stay away and not push and let go.
This site had me at “a whole pile of people only “wake up” when their partner starts to pull away”.-backstory- I have been with my wife for 15 years, 10 of those married. We have 2 girls- 13 and 6 and a boy -11. She has been working at a bar/resteraunt for 4 years, I have just got my 1st year in my job as a CNC Machinist. I have had 13 jobs since we have been together she has had 5. She had the gastric bypass surgery in 2006 and dropped alot of built up baby, stress, harmonal, genetic, and life long weight. 2 years after the surgery she told me she wanted to leave me. She said I had treated her badly while she was heavier by ignoring her and her feelings. I had done just that too.
After my youngest was born she was in the 300’s. I wanted my family and I stayed to keep us all together. I loved her but wasn’t in love with her. She knew then I was depressed or as I see it now asleep. She had the surgery, lost the weight and was suprised to see that I wanted her more than ever before. I “woke-up”, the day I felt my other hand when I hugged her. I was floating on air. she looked great and she was with me! She started working at the bar
Hi Al, Been a long time since we last spoke. I’ve thought a lot about things you’ve said.
As a counselor myself now, I find myself looking back at some of my relationship disasters which I now call (5 minute wonders.) After studying Imago and recently attachment theory and object relations, things are starting to click. Lord only knows what happened the first five years of my life. I do know however, that my dad left at about the age of 3 and then my mother at about age 5, leaving me with my alcohol grandmother to raise me. I remember the constant threat if I “Misbehaved” I’d be sent to live with my mother. As a boy, I’m not sure why I feared that so much but I did. Perhaps it was just fear of the unknown; unremembered caregiver in a far-off land and her new husband who was not particularly fond of me.
Beyond my failed marriage, it has seemed almost impossible to form a reliable connection with a woman. I vacillate from clinger to avoider based on what I am experiencing from her. I find my self attracted to unavailable women –unavailable for a whole myriad of reasons as they are safe to pursue.
The available woman, who might actually be interested, seems boring and later, threatening.
I recall a few years ago dating a wonderful woman who was genuinely interested and emotionally available. I found her attractive both physically and intellectually. We had only dated a few weeks, when at a movie one night, I felt like I was having a panic attack. I was dishonest with her and said I didn’t feel well. We left and I went home-to the comfort of being home alone. There was o logical reason for my fear. She was just too threatening as she was too available. Later she wisely avoided me and married about a year later.
I remember once you told me I was too scared to even begin the Imago work and I think you’re right. My lizard is too scared to peek his head out unless no ne is paying attention.
Al, perhaps you have some wisdom for those of us out there who need baby steps to even date . I feel sad when I see just how far away I am from any kind of meaningful connection.
Hello Ron, Yup, sounds like a puzzle. I got some thoughts.
Let’s start with that childhood stuff, which you say “God only knows about.” I think it that were true, He might keep it a secret or erase “all” memories of it. The problem in humans is that the Lizard won’t forget any of it. Better to say “God and my Lizard knows what went on.” And the Lizard seems to remember most clearly that “bad” stuff. Lots of us have an enormous collection of “unrecalled” yet Lizard-remembered history of ugly stuff. I have come to think that most current childrearing in the US produces PTSD symptoms in the children. Without doing something about this many adults seem to wander around full of “battlefield” reactions.
For the most part these Lizard memories and childhood Lizard learned reactions show up in creating or maintaining a long-term relationship partnership. As an active counselor, my guess is that you are gonna run into this every day. As a single person, you’re gonna run into it probably each time you try to connect with a potential partner, or better yet when you are trying to make long-term nicey-nicey with a partner. I see no way to avoid dealing with this all your life until a) either you solve/heal the issues/reactions or b) die first. I think you can try to put it off for a while, such as by living alone, but it will come back.
The good news is I completely and thoroughly believe we are all designed to heal from this and finding and working wisely with a partner is the way to healing. I believe each “wound” carries within it the specifics of what is needed to heal it. I believe that during the dating process we strongly tend to select (are attracted to) a candidate with whom to do that healing. These candidates share some interesting things with us.
This seems to sum up the situation. In Faerie stories this would be a “Hear’s the Deal” statement.
But your question is more about the “super gun-shy” person whose been hurt over and over both in childhood and in adult experiences. Right?.
You’ve got some options. You can live alone and manage your Boundaries by having a real castle (apartment, etc.) where you can retreat when your Lizard get’s scared. Lots of people are doing this. http://www.alturtle.com/archives/2119
Or you can learn the necessary Boundary Skills to “keep yourself calm while interacting with others and their chaos.”
But you may notice that neither of these options free you from your own unrecollected, childhood, Lizard remembered, reactivity/pain.
I guess I would recommend a combo of a) “you are responsible for your fear, they are responsible for trying to scare you” and b) patience. Patiently build up your Boundary Skills so that they’re chaos or even their attempts to scare you cannot get to your Lizard.
Dear Eva, I am assuming you are reading my stuff. That makes speculation on your partner's behavior a bit easier.
You have tons of data about him, and your sister and her family, that you can use to build your guesses.
Me, I got so little data. So my current guess is that he is "reaching out toward you" in a backhand kind of way because he experiences you as a/the major threat in his life. He wants to remove the threatening stuff, cuz he wants as happy relationship with you. One way to reduce threat is to "understand" how/why things/people do what they do. So my wild guess is that he is seeking information about you and how you act and why, from them. Pretty off-hand guess.