What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hi Al,
this site helped me a lot during these difficult times…
My ex bf of 4 years dumped me a month ago. Our relationship was amazing, we never had any big fight.
One day “out of the blue” he decides that he wants to be alone. He said he is 31 with unstable job, needs to focus on his career, he needs to figure out things in his life like the fact that he still lives with his family. He cannot see himself committed for the next 5-6 years, he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married and family (we never talked about getting married). He loves me and is in love with me like the first days, I have all he could ever ask but he doesn't want a relationship.
I didn't see any signs, he didn't get distanced or cold, he never tried to avoid me. On the contrary! He was always so loving and tender, calling me to dedicate songs, putting post its on my book saying how much he loves me, until the very last moment. So, the previous day we were together, we slept together, made plans for our holiday trip at Christmas. In the morning he went shopping, called me, asked me what perfume he should buy because I will be the one that I'd smell on him so I have to like it (an example of how out of the blue was for me). Two hours later he calls and anounces his decision. We met, told what he had to say and he disappeared!
(There was no one else in the picture, and he rarely goes out from home except going to work)
He didn't ask for a break, he wanted to break up and be alone. I accepted his decision. I texted him for his birthday a couple of weeks later, he called me to thank me, he said he wants to have some contact.
How do you see his behaviour and actions? Is there something I could do? I still can't understand him and what went wrong. I haven't contacted him since then but I hope for a reconciliation.
Dear Robk,
I read thru your note carefully. Even took notes. I am glad you are doing so well and have found how partners can provoke/prod each other to grow. I think it is one of the secrets of the value of a relationship/marriage that the two will constantly try to move each other in the direction of becoming more fully human and adult. This “encouragement” can easily be misunderstood as negative. Well, most of us don't want to change. I send you my encouragement.
I encourage you to use CBT as a support. I think you sure want to become expert at what is called Codependency – in yourself and in others. I write on this in my third paper in my Autonomy section in a paper called Passivity in the Foundations. But there are lots of books on it.
That short saying “If you don't love yourself, I don't think you can ever really love someone else” is a clue. As a kid many of us are taught, by immature parents or caretakers, that we will only get love if we love them. Sorry. But this can be recovered from.
Keep a-learning.
Hi Al,
I've read a great deal of useful information on this great site and was wondering if I should start the 10 email program you recommend? Here's my story.
My girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me a little over 6 weeks ago. I've always had issues with shyness and social anxiety which I never dealt with. This led to an over reliance on my girlfriend for practically everything. I was unable to forge a career for myself and live my own life in the way I wanted to. Add to that my mum died last year, things with the girlfriend became really strained. She tried very hard to get me to seek help and I made a lot of false promises, in hindsight, it's not as if I didn't want help, but I was actually completely incapable both physically and mentally of doing so.
In the end I guess my girlfriend made the ultimate sacrifice for both of us and broke it off. We both still loved each other deeply, but things had to change.
Within 2 days of the break-up I'd been to the doctors, I was referred onto a course of CBT to conquer my issues with shyness and I was also diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti-depressants. A month into the break-up and I feel fantastic, I've never felt so positive about my life ever. I'm 36 and now finally I'm looking forward to a future that is for me. I'm planning my life for the first time ever and starting to think about careers. I didn't personally go down the no contact route because I didn't feel comfortable doing so at the time, so I've had regular contact with my ex, mainly through texts, but also the odd telephone conversation.
I was supposed to meet last week for lunch to see if we could go about building a friendship but she phoned and cancelled at the last minute because she wasn't ready to meet in the end and was worried we'd both go back to square one. I completely and utterly respect her decision, I was only 50/50 myself. I really wanted to see her, just to see her. See her face, see her smile, see that she was ok. The more I think about it the more I believe that not meeting up was definitely the right decision. We had a fantastic conversation, we both admitted that we found it difficult even talking on the phone, because the feelings are still so strong between us. I resisted the temptation to ask her if there was any chance of reconciliation in the future, because a) it would not be helpful and b) deep down I know she would say no. Not because it's a definite no, but because she HAD to say no. I need to sort my life out for me, not for her and she told me that during the break-up. If she was to give me any crumb of hope, she would never know if I was changing for her or myself. Like I said we had a fantastic conversation, laughing and joking and catching up and at the end we agreed to have no contact until after Christmas then try and develop a friendship after that. At the very end of the conversation she said “You know I still love you” and I returned the sentiment. It was a sweet moment, and almost a realisation that we will always be connected in some way, whatever happens in he future.
I have no idea if I'll ever get back with her, and at the moment I know it's not right, but in the future I like to think we've got a chance of reconciliation.
My outlook is now positive, rather than negative and I realise for the time being I have look after number 1. If you don't love yourself, I don't think you can ever really love anyone else. I've learnt that and I take so much comfort in the fact that my girlfriend cared so deeply for me that she broke both our hearts so that I could find happiness for myself.I know some people will go through life and never find true love with someone, others will find it for a fleeting moment, and I feel so privileged to have had that experience with my ex. We shared so many fantastic times and there's not one second I would change for anything and that includes the break-up because it had to happen for things to change for the better.
Dear Tiffany, This sounds so sad and yet so wonderful. Congratulations on surviving through what happened to you. How awful.
You have a real “right” to your high anxiety, lo self-esteem and lack of trust. Still you can't stay with that. People are designed to recover fully.
Sounds a bit as if you might be stuck in the second stage of recovering from such a childhood. The steps ahead of you are tough, I fear. Well, get on with them.
My guess is that you will need a “buddy” to walk with you along the way. Find yourself one, a good counselor (really good) does not have to be expensive. To find a good one you may have to try out a bunch.
I think a good goal is to help yourself finish recovery and to help that guy of yours be successful in all areas of his life – even with his wife.
We could chat on the phone. Click here for details.
Let me tell my story…I am sure it is one you have heard before….
I am a survivor of sexual abuse., by my biological father. I have high anxiety, low-self-esteem and don’t trust easily. I am a pleaser who seeks approval from my husband in a big way. I usually never get it. He is definitely an avoider, and I agree with your “love-unit” analogy. He probably only has 50 units to give..and that is to everyone.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have 5 daughters. Over 12 years, he has asked for a separation a dozen times, for a few reasons. Sometimes money, sometimes the “chaos” I create, parenting issues..and each time is the same. I beg for a while, then I start making whatever changes..and then eventually he forgives me and we move on with the agreement I won’t ever make the same mistakes again. I do, of course. When I talk about money mistakes, we are talking a $100..not thousands, but still I will agree that I have money habits that are not key to building a successful future.
He wants to be separated in the same house. We don’t have lots of money, but I am having a hard time functioning without wanting to try to “fix” everything. I am not good at the giving space thing. I am horrible. I just keep thinking I can fix it.
I love him. He is definitely an avoider. Each time he asks for space, and each time I beg and plead, and promise. And he says one more chance..and I say I swear and he gives me one more chance. He doesn’t look at life as a struggle. He is pretty successful in all he does, and he says that I am the only thing in his life that doesn’t work.
I am planning to put your plan in action starting today. Do you have any advice? How will I know when it is too late?
I feel so alone, and without a support system.