What to do when He/She Leaves?
Assuming you want her (him) back.
People frequently come to me with this problem. Actually, this is my most read article. To me that suggests that a whole pile of people only “really wake up” when their partner starts to pull away. And you are probably one of them, right now. I feel for you. You’ve probably done a whole bunch of things “wrong” and don’t know what for sure. I am sorry it took you so long to wake up. A lot of my work, shared here on this website, is for you. Take your time, breathe and read on. Take heart! Waking up is always a good idea – at least in the long run.
First job is to turn your partner around, or at least halt their moving away. Some years ago, in 1998 I believe, I came up with a short set of answers to this situation and have not felt the need to change them since. It works. Follow the four steps. Print this Article in PDF
1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING.
This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone – a lot, but not completely. (I do not recommend “no contact.” (See my article When to Fold ‘Em.) Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.)
2. SURVIVE
Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind, abandoned. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It’s not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of your partner’s gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more.
3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY
See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi, etc. Learn what you can. Read my papers on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. Most often they have felt terribly lonely with you. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. Ask yourself, what led you to be so unaware of your partner? What led you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself too much. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, Get to Work. Work on yourself.
And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. They have become hopeless about you ever changing for the better. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change.
When I say “visibly,” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. Don’t try to “teach them.”
4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT
It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.
Good luck.
P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready. For more on this subject, particularly once you have managed to get your partner to slow down their leaving, you might want to read “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”.
You will probably also want to check out my Map of Relationships to put a clear framework around what is going on and what your choices are. Being foolishly stubborn, i.e. doing what you have been doing, will probably lead back to the same “them-leaving” problem. Being stubborn about “learning-to-do-new-things” seems to be the only path.
Notes:
There are so many excellent comments submitted that I archived them in two PDF files. Aug2007–July2008 and July2008–April2010. These are good.
Click here for “all” my articles on Clingers. Avoiders.
Remember, this is just one (Reliable Membership) of the several major problems in relationships. When you solve this one, when your partner turns around and decides to consider staying with you, there are the other problems in front of you. Take a look at How to Use this Website, or Using my logic on relationships, or Where to Start. The most comprehensive place to start is always my Map of Relationships.
Good luck.
Download an audio file of me sharing 26 minutes of further discussion for $5.00.
By © Al Turtle 2002
Hello there, HijoDeDios, Wasn't sure which of your posts to reply to, so I picked this one. Same topic and same problems, seemed to me.
I do have a couple of thoughts.
First I appreciate your ages and the process of coming out (20s) of that energetic period (school), and of sticking your head up and distinguishing between the B.S. you've been taught and the “real world.” I think the place this shows up most powerfully is in the phrase, “Love you, but not In Love”.
After all these years I kind of see the reality as (a) “fall in love” then (b) “fall out of love” then (c) “doggedly rebuild a loving relationship.” Or not. Most achieve (a) and (b). I tend to spend my time helping the small group who wanna go for (c). Probably the biggest pain for people is the discovery that (a) never ever ever lasts forever, and that (c) is a lot of work.
Another thought is that “anyone can give birth to a kid, but the hard part is raising 'em” Now you two have one and the kid will be wondering about how you are going to perform the raising part. My rule of thumb is that kids vitally want two things: 1) they are personally safe and 2) their parents bond/love/connection is reliably safe. Not easy thoughts or easy work, here.
So where do you go from here? OK. Lots of advice out there. You determine who and what you are going to listen to. I would not waste anytime complaining about how all advisors disagree. They do, but what the hey!
Do you have Options? Yes, sure. Lots and lots of them. Reconciling and reestablishing the kind of relationship you had is not one of them. Bless her, your partner. By her behavior she has signaled that lots of that stuff stunk. I will wager that you could make a list too of what stunk. Put those lists together and you've got much clarity about where to focus.
The way I see it, you have to get on with “fixing you” – learning to replace your sucky habits with ones that are comfortably attractive to this gal – and you kid. I would focus on those habits that are top and center with her – surface reasons why she left/leaves you. I would put only 2% attention on what she is doing. Well, maybe notice those actions of hers that point at your sucky behaviors. You want to see those clues up front. Plan on working on yourself steadily for perhaps 5 to 10 years with no reference to whether with your kid's mom or another partner. Working on yourself often involves getting help. Lots of options.
Go for it.
Al
Thanks for your advice. I think in a way I was looking for confirmation on my thoughts but had been conflicted by all the negative advice I have received, NC from Internet forums and ultimatums people felt I should give her. My initial comment was written after getting negative ultimatum advice from my father and it caused deep conflicition on the best path for myself. And my comment may have come off as such.
I think one of the things that keeps her in touch and wanting to see me is that we are a strong 'match'. We have deep chemistry and intense physical attraction. One of the things she used to tell me is I reminded her deeply of her father. (her mother died of breast cancer when she was 5 and her father didn't pay as much attention to her as he should have). On a family visit she told me her father didn't get along with many people and when him and I met we got along very well. Like two fish from the same pond.
The new guy from everything she said seems to provide her a lot of the biological dream that she is not used to but at the sake time is definitely not a match. I think she feels safe and like a person and that he's understanding. The passion and fire doesn't seem there. But he provides comfort and is allowing her to move at her own pace. Talking to her today, she brought it up, about giving him a fair chance and at the same time she said she adores me and she wishes we met now in the same way we met our first night but as we are now. She knows change has happened and she feels that. She brought up that at times it does not feel like the end for us. We are still very close. I've been following all the advice from this site and it's helped greatly. As we were walking and holding hands today before we parted ways we were talking about relationships and talking about the nature of anger/compassion and trust (in which I brought up the last part of your reply and she agreed that is indeed a grander version of trust) and i told her that this guy provides her with things anybody should look for in a relationship and I respect and understand that. She brought this up I was understanding and not pushing and agreeing where I should if I was a true friend. Based on a past comment from the PDFs on this page I have stopped looking at this as win or lose and instead looking for the path towards vintage love. The true efforts on my part to genuinely stop any and all pushing have been recent. Starting a month ago and getting better as I get more mindful.
You are right that I am typically the avoider. She is usually a clinger. She does suffer from past resentments. I try help with those only as she brings them up.
Lately she has been in a bad spot. Not happy. Financial situations. Her work has been stressful. Just today she quit out of frustration with her boss. Her cat died last week and this cat was the world to her and I suffer from that as well as I was close to her cay as well. She's conflicted between us and knows it's been so soon since the split and this new guy (she usually takes a long long time between relationships). I get better and more mindful everyday. What this means for her and I I don't know at this time. But I will keep you updated and if you feel you have any advice please feel free to give it from what you see, I greatly respect your opinions and thoughts. And since discovering your site your advice, to me, just feels right intuitively.
Question: would the path to trust involve validation, Pre validation, mirroring, healing resentments, pulling etc?
Hi Al and others,
I have been a long-time reader, and I have come to the point that I need your advice for my specific situation. For a brief history of my situation, I was best friends in high school with a girl who had her own serious relationship and we were simply friends. We went to college together and eventually she had issues in her relationship that caused her to leave and she didn’t have any contact with me for over a year, then she ended her relationship and after a while sought me out. When she came into my life the second time we had a lot of rapid honeymoon chemisty, leading to her moving in with me after a few months, and then when the issues of living together came up and she was ready for a break she found out she was pregnant. We stayed together ignoring our issues throughout the pregnancy and during the first 2 years of our daughter’s life at which point she said she didn’t want to live together anymore.
The next 2 years (our daughter is now 4) were marked with off and on “working on things” which ended as of February of 2010, when she admitted that she was having other physical relationships and had feelings for someone. I panicked and acted as expected (not the correct way) and begged and pleaded my case and shed many tears. Her reasoning always ends up being that she loves me (and always will) but isn’t/hasn’t been ‘in-love’ with me, and this is why she isn’t willing to fight for us. We never got any counseling, she says that if her heart and mind aren’t there and she has no intention of being with me, why get counseling (I disagree, but can’t force anything). I am definitely the clinger at this point in time, and when I work on that she reaches towards me somewhat and asks to do things together, but afterwards says it is just friendly (the lines of friendliness are often crossed, which she admits), but she still holds that these times don’t mean she wants to work on things. It is very painful because I still love her with all my heart and want nothing more than for us to work on fixing this broken family, and it takes a toll on our daughter.
My present dilemma is that I am to the point where I don’t know whether I should continue allowing these family times (she wants to spend the upcoming holidays together) where I feel used, or find a way to be happy separate during these times. She says she wants to always be friends and spend these kinds of times together, even when she is with someone else, and those are terms I’m not sure I can stomach. I get worried that being her friend, only, will allow her to get the love units she wants from me and then get the rest from her real relationships, so I feel that I would be helping ruin any chance of a future together. She has said that she will miss me if I am not in her life at all, and it “will suck” if I am not at the holidays, but I feel that is something she will get over by being with others. It seems that the conclusion is inevitable, is there anything I can do to give me the best (slim) chance in the future, or does it really not matter? Me and my daughter are most happy when we do things together, but eventually this will stop once she gets into a serious relationship (she says she currently isn’t but is dating friends with the intention to find someone who will accept this situation), so I am not sure whether to keep communications and interactions to a bare minimum (conferences, daughter’s sports, school, etc.) or allow this friendship to occur (which I don’t think I will accept in the long run)?
I have been a long-time lurker and reader of your papers, and I am at a point that I need advice specific to my situation. I had a relationship that ended (officially) in February of 2010, we have a 4 year old daughter, and we were living together for 4 years until she wanted to move into separate places when our daughter was 2. We had off and on “working of things” relationship until February when she admitted to having physical relationships with others. I panicked very much over the months and had some decent days mixed in with many terrible days. Our communication for the most part is very bad, it turns into her mocking me and predicting the things I will say next, and her lizard kicks in and many hurtful things are said. Overall, her reason for not wanting to try anymore is that she “loves me but isn't/wasn't in love with me” which I don't know how to interpret. We never got any counseling because she says there is no point when her heart and mind aren't there, although I tried and wanted to.
There are times that I decide to work on myself and try to set boundaries and distance myself from her, but having a child together always brings us back into contact. She says she wants to be friends, which, to her, includes spending time together as a family (she wants us to spend the coming holidays together). I feel that this could be unfair to our daughter because she puts a lot of hope into those family times and I know it hurts between those times when she can't have us all together. I love her, and my goal is to find a way to reconciliation, but I feel that she is using me as a comfort blanket until she finds something better, at which point I believe she will end the family times as well. I'm just not sure whether I should agree to this 'friendship' as she defines it and accept the pain that comes with it and false hopes, etc. Or if I should start a co-parent relationship where we communicate only about our daughter, and only interact together for necessary things like parent-teacher conferences, her sporting events, etc. and not the family things (holidays, dinners, family get-togethers, etc.). My fear is that if I become just a friend, nothing else could ever grow from that as she will be satisfied getting some of my love and most of the love she needs from others, but then if I stop interacting on that level at all I fear that she may move on easier completely. She has stated that she will miss me and it will 'suck' if I'm not at the holidays, and has stated that part of the reason why she hasn't been in a serious relationship yet is that she considers me and our daughter and doesn't want to hurt us. Am I just delaying the inevitable and it doesn't matter what I choose, or do I have a real option?
Ok. Thanks for the question. Sounds as if my article on “What to do..” has been helpful.
Shooting from my hip, I would stay in there.
I was just talking to a guy whose wife had run away with a lover. Clearly she was exploring life after years of stifling from her family and from her husband. Twas just a matter of time for her to discover her lover was much worse than her husband. And besides, her husband was a “match” where her lover wasn't. Only took six months. Fortunately the husband had not moved on with someone else in the meantime. So now they are gonna start working. Cool and fairly common.
I would not worry so much about the other guy right now, based on her contacting you so often. Sounds like she is keeping one foot in both puddles: you and the other guy. I would be focused on growing yourself up so that the parts of you that drive her away are just removed.
You've given me some clues.
Resentment is caused and healed by invalidation and validation. Become an expert in validation, Pre-Validation, and extinguish the habits you have of invalidating.
My guess is that normally she clings and you avoid. Fix this.
“Reestablishing mutual trust”. Big issue there. The kind of trust you had before was based upon not knowing how awful both of you could be. That kind of trust can never be rebuilt, cuz you cannot go back to “not knowing.” Now you have to go forward to build trust including all the stuff you now know about each other. I think of it as a vastly grander kind of trust.
Go for it.