“Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”
Once you have figured out what to do when he or she leaves, and once you are into doing those four steps, what next? The answer to this seems to me, once again, pretty simple. I see it to be all about changing your habits of “keeping secrets” and “being blind.”
"Out of the Blue"
Hey, give me a break! Whatever your partner did, it certainly did not come from nowhere. Our partners always make sense. Their behavior made sense. We were surprised. We didn’t see it coming, because we were not informed. We were blind to what was going on in them. We call it “odd” or “out of the blue” just cuz it surprises us. The phrase “out of the blue” seems to signal the “blindness” of the person using the phrase. 
I remember being told that an Affair is in many ways a teaching experience, from which the affaired against can learn a) all about trust (which they won’t have for years to come) and b) about what was going on in their partner that they were blind to. I think this is just as true for affairs as for “unexpected” departures.
Story excerpted from Part 5 of my Map of Relationships:
A man called our office on Sunday, saying he wanted to get his wife in to see me. “She is going crazy,” he said. “She wants a divorce after 23 happy years. She says she doesn’t love me any more.”
He made the appointment and sent her in. And, surprising me, she came.
I asked her what the problem was. She said, “I don’t love him any more.” I asked, “How long since you last loved him?” She predictably responded, “22 years.” So much for the “happy 23 years” idea.
Seeking to find out the factor that had kept her from sharing this secret unhappiness with her partner for 22 years, I said, “Perhaps we should tell him.” She almost jumped, “No, no! We couldn’t do that. It would hurt him too much.” And so I gathered his fragility and dramatized pain had kept her quiet all these years.
I asked, “Well, what makes you think of doing something about it now.” And the predictable answer was, “Well, I met this guy who makes me feel like a real woman.”
By the way, she did tell her husband about being unhappy for 22 years. They did get a divorce. After a short happy 5 months, the woman and her new friend broke up. She found the new guy worse than her ex-husband. She decided to come back and try again. Her ex-husband would have none of it. “You lied to me for 22 years. How can I ever trust you now?”
The experience of surprise, I think, is a cue to get to work becoming reliably aware of what is going on in your partner. It is a cue to become aware of your own tendency to blindness and fix it once and for all.
Reading the Tea Leaves
Gosh this seems so simple. Look down into that cup of tea at those leaves! They are telling you something. Look into whatever your partner does or says, he/she is telling you something. Don’t ignore it.
Malidoma Some told me about how stupid are westerners. In his country, if your house burns down, you sit in the ashes for a couple of weeks in a deep effort to understand the message(s) in the fire. In our country we use insurance to pay for fixing the problem and ignore the message. In his country, if you break an arm, you get help reading the message in that fracture. In our country we drop into the hospital, get the arm set, and ignore the message that was sent us.
When someone leaves you, they are telling you something. One thing they are telling you is that it is not easy to get your attention and to get you to listen. They have had to use very extreme methods – leaving you.
I recall being in Glacier Park, Montana during the New York and Washington bombings on 9/11. My friend brought me the news from the Ranger Station to our campsite. During the time it took him to walk that 200 yards, he had time to think. As he told me the news he said, “I wonder what message they were delivering and why they had to use such an extreme method.”
As I listen to people writing me about being left by their partner, their focus seems to rest more on the steps to do, than in “listening” to what their partner is “clumsily” telling them.
So here are some steps:
- Go ahead and be surprised.
- Start reading the Tea Leaves. Something “out of the blue” is a big “tea leaf.” What is the message?
- First, read the message that he/she somehow didn’t let you know that this surprise was coming – you think it is out of the blue. But they knew!
- Read the message they may have had difficulty getting your attention, getting you to listen. They probably still have this problem.
- Read the message that they care enough about you to put up with your blindness and poor listening skills for a long time before they used the extreme way of sending their message.
- Read the message that you have probably learned to communicate in a way that is obnoxious to them.
- Read the message that they really want you to change, and they have some good ideas about what that change might look like. They are not interested in destroying you, just “tuning” you.
- Read the message that they may not be very strong at getting your attention when they think you won’t listen.
- Start learning, and keep at it. (I am still working on this 15 years after I did my first noticing.) I might suggest learning the Art of Pulling.
- Learn that if you aren’t hearing everything regularly from your partner, you are probably at risk! You see, until then, until you are hearing regularly from them, your partner is living “in the Blue.” Read those Tea Leaves!
A Trap for Clingers/Pursuers/Maximizers/the Needy – like me.
Now, reading Tea Leaves is not simple. It takes lots of skill, and lots of practice. And I’ve found a particular problem that hits most clingy, information-seeking people. I am assuming that you have come to this page partially cuz you have recovered a bit from “their walking away” situation. You might call this article, “more reading for those who needed to read What to do when he/she leaves." And so I am assuming that “you want to get a great relationship back” with someone who has demonstrated an ability to walk off. I am also speaking to us, since I have faced the same problems.
I have often found it true that our partner’s, having lived with us for some time and having experienced people like us most of their lives, often a) give out with very small Tea Leaves and b) are often are pretty obscure with what they share – at first. I believe that if you begin to play your cards well, this situation will improve, and will reach its completion with you needing to sometimes shut your partner up cuz they are talking too much, giving out too much data too fast. Takes time.
Back to the Trap. What to do with their tiny Tea Leaves? Well, I believe that your mind will eagerly seek to “make sense” of their Leaves. You will build a theory. You may build many theories. This, I think, is natural. The reason you want information is because you seek “predictive information” in an attempt to feel relaxed with this person. Predictive Information is often carried in the head as theories or models of how people behave, what they are up to, etc. And so I think it normal to build theories. And we would like our theories to be accurate, i.e. to be valuable in predicting what our partner will do next and thus valuable at keeping us from being surprised.
I think it is natural to want to check out your theory with your partner in an effort to make sure it is accurate. DON’T DO IT! While this checking out is natural in a relationship of equals (there it is called Validation), in a relationship recovering from Clinger/Avoider dynamics, I find it very dangerous. I believe the checking out becomes part of the overwhelming behavior, the pushing behavior that you are learning to avoid. When I would check out my theory, it seemed to crush my partner. Not a desirable result.
So here I am, reading my partner’s Tea Leaves, wanting to read accurately, wanting to be helpful, wanting say “did I get it right”, and this very behavior overwhelms my partner. Ugly situation! I was amazed by it. No matter how carefully I shared my “theory,” it didn’t work for a long time.
I think it is critical to let your partner share, and learn to share, themselves at their rate, and not feel pushed or “interpreted” or “analyzed.” Your role is “to invite” only. I think this is the difference between Pushing and Pulling.
And so this means that for some time you are going to build theories about your partner, not share them, learn to improve those theories based on more Tea Leaves. Eventually your theories will become more and more accurate. But then your partner’s understanding of their own behaviors will also be more accurate.
Good luck!
Hi Al.
Three weeks ago, after seeing my girl, I got back to the city to be ready for work, and found a short note in my bag.
It said,
“This the cheats way but I just can’t do it to your face, sorry.
I’m not ready for this relationship to continue, you want more than i can give and it’s not fair too keep you on.
I thought I was ready but deep down I’m not. I have things I need to sort and want to do.
Once again, I’m sorry to do it this way.”
When I spoke to her after finding the note, I asked what I did wrong? She said nothing, it was her not me, and she needed time, and that maybe in a years time, she would be ready again. She encouraged me to call her if I needed to talk, and expected that I would saying that next few weeks is going to be tough for me. She is right, it has been.
I have read you ‘tea leaves’ article, but even she says she didn’t give any hints.
Moving on, 3 days ago, I got a text message saying that “something has come up and is going to take every ounce of strength that have left in to deal with this so for now you are in the back of my mind.”
She won’t tell me what “something” is.
She has said: she would tell me if it was up to her; that it’s 100 times worse than her marriage; that she wants to smash the man who did it; that it will take 3-4 yrs to recover, that it has crushed her heart.
However, she denies that; she is sick(she previously had a cancer scare as a kid); denies being pregnant; has not been raped; she was previously; that there is no one else; and she is not going back to her ex husband. ( she had already seperated when we met)
I don’t know what is going on, and it is driving me nuts.
I have organised counciling for her, as she was happy as long as it involved her on her own, not with me, but then later that evening when I told her I didn’t have confirmation of times yet, she told me she didn’t need my counciling, she had organised her own. She can be very stubborn, but so can I.
She is pushing me away so hard it hurts. I am the clinghy while she is the avoider.
Over her life, she has been taught not to talk, by her ex husband who told her off no matter what she did, ie, if she bought eggs it was wrong, but if she didn’t that was wrong as well. Also, at school, she was picked on, and shifted schools because of it. So she finds it very difficult to talk about her deep feelings, but is quite happy to talk about shallow issues at any time.
I have read when to fold em, and am thinking I need to go down that path, simply to protect myself at this stage.
I have tried to be honest, as I don’t want the currant situation to continue.
Do you have any thoughts??
Thank you Al.
Dear Phil, Thanks for writing and sharing so much. Sounds pretty painful. I suggest you take your time and "read the tea leaves" during a time when you are curious. Of course you don't want this situation, or the pain, to continue. But it sounds like a wonderful example of "reading them leaves." I wish had you and a group of students around to throw this letter up on a whiteboard and pull out all the leaves. Let's look.
How's that for digging into the tea leaves? Just my thinking. Good luck, Phil.
Al, thank you.
There most certinely things I do, and you’ve hit on some specifics.
-There is something I do, but I’m not sure – I have known for some time that she “likes to listen.” I wasn’t smart enough to see beyond that.
– We have been together for 7 months, and yes, I talk to much, are too invasive, ask too many questions, interrupt a lot, are impatient, etc. I wouldn’t have seen that had you not said it. The more she listens, the more I talk, the more I talk, the more she listens.
– Her younger sister is critical, as was her ex, as I can be. How do I be more positive, because I do pass the good things and focus on the bad things.
– She has said only today (I got a text msg but have not replied) that she feels pushed, but wants to achieve the things I’m pushing herself without my help. That hurt, and is the reason I haven’t replied.
She has been quite happy to talk about work, her kids, all the general stuff, just not specifics on a deeper level. She starts, the backs out gently.
– Where do I start in making it easy for her to talk to me? Do you have articles I can find?
– I have had the bad feeling in my gut for about 6 weeks that something has been going on behind my back. She has said there is not on several occasions, with a but once, but then backed out. What ever is going on now, is definitely a big secret.
– 100 times worse, do you mean she likes to exagerate and make a story bigger than the reality? – she does this a bit.
– I did ask many questions with yes/no answers, many times. She is just pushing me away the more I try. Today is the first day I haven’t asked her a question.
– I HATE not understanding. I put up on facebook last week, “I don’t understand and I hate it.” How can I encourage her to share? I have said verbally many times, what are you thinking, tell me about your day, but I can see I cut her off far too many times, rather than ‘pulling’ as you put it in another article.
-I don’t think I’m possessive, but I might be. I shifted 3000kms to Perth Aus after the breakup of my last relationship from a small country town that was to small. Again, I was left.
– Can you point me Al to anymore of your publications that you think would be good for me to read? The secret is damaging me, trust is very important to me, and not being trusted hurts badly. How do I begin the process of letting her know she can tell me. (By the way, she bottled it up and wouldn’t tell anyone, until her sister berated her, and they argued badly, before Em broke down and told her sister. This left me with a feeling that, the good guys come last, since I didn’t berate her or push her that far.)
You have been spot on with a lot of stuff Al, things I wouldn’t have seen myself. Your input is very valuable to me, and if you have time, please lend a little to me. In time, in yrs to come, I will pass it on to someone.
Thank you Al,
Phil.
One thing to add Al,
At one stage she wrote a note on FB that said:
“Oh well, will tell If i have my way.”
It is very quickly becoming, why the secret, not what is the secret, and I am loosing trust almost by the min.
Silly gal. Secrets are there cuz people don’t trust. And you really can’t trust a person who keeps secrets. Kinda going in a circle. I like the way she is attempting to pass her responsibility onto unknown others. That’s all about Boundaries.
A better formulation is that she can tell when she choses and she’s now chosing not to tell for some good reasons. You are in the dark and you really a) don’t like it, b) need to learn to be relaxed with being in the dark, c) need to learn how to get people (this gal) to want to share with you. .
Dear Phil, “Can I point you to any articles that may help?” My whole website is written for you and others who are in similar struggles. I’ve been puzzling for years where to direct people to start. And I’ve written a bunch of “read this to find your way” articles. I was talking about this last night with a guy who wrote a book based on my website and who is about to publish it on Amazon. He had the same problem, “where to start and what path to take.” Though his problem was greater in that he was writing a novel about a person’s journey through adventures. Interesting work. Soon as I get a link to it, I will pass it on.
You seem to be just starting, as does she, so you probaby want to start with http://www.alturtle.com/how-to-use-this-website. Since you are dealing with her habit of pulling away you might want to focus on Reliable Membership. My guess is you are going to get to be an expert on Trust (or Safety), so the Lizard paper is for you. Or we can chat by phone.
Good luck.
My leaving partner has made a small move to reconnect but is scared that we will end up at the “end” again where it no longer felt good to be together. He was able to express some of his “tea leaves” and I was able to mirror and validate. He is also struggling with the idea of balancing as a single father and committed partner again. I believe this comes from guilt that he does not have his daughter all the time (she lives in another state). He may feel guilty spending time with me when she is in town. He hasn’t seen her for 3 months and wants to focus solely on her while she is here for two weeks. I am respecting that boundary but I am afraid I may have started talking about getting back together too soon. I believe I assumed that was his motive. I don’t think he really thought about his motives fully and how I would perceive his actions. My assumption may have pushed him away again. Do you suggest falling back and letting him come to me again-the idea of being minimally available?
Well, hey. I am really full of troubles with “assumptions” and particularly “assumptions shared at the wrong time.” I would certainly fall back and start figuring out (guessing and checking) what is going on for your partner. Most of what you have shared seems to easily be seen as your misinterpretations of your partner’s motives. Very dangerous stuff to believe in – them assumptions. Take your time. I make up that you are not even coming close to Validating him. I’m not suggesting that you aren’t trying. Just can do a lot better. (I guess I am gonna have to write another article on this as so many people tell me that they are validating their partner when I get clear signals that they aren’t. I’m imagining that I can do a better job of sharing what I have learned.)
I learned to not even try to share my assumptions about my partner until she explicitly asked for them – until she had her boundaries in place firmly.
I am not sure he knows what his boundaries are/were. Since his daughter has been in town I have tried light non pressure contact twice but he has ignored me. I tried to invite him to share his “sense” but he has not responded yet. As a side note he uses a substance in a “recreational” manner that you mentioned in one of your articles on sharing. As long as he is using the substance it seems he will be out of touch with himself so how can I expect him to share openly and honestly with me? The substance causes a barrier to understanding himself. I am not sure what else I can do in this situation. He really is a wonderful person that I love deeply but we never may be able to make each other feel safe if he can’t fully share.
It took me years from the time I heard about Boundaries to learn what they were. No one around me seemed to have any. How could I learn? But the good news is that if you have good Boundaries, your partner will have to learn ’em.
Could be you push him, too much?? Pretty normal pattern to fall into. Is he an avoider to your clinger traits?
I will assume you are referring to Pot. Well, to deal with his use you need some really good Boundaries.
Well, I imagine there are lots of things you can do. I am glad you mentioned Boundaries. I would also think that Reliable Membership is an issue along with much needed improvement in communication skills. You may be pretty frustrated. I recall getting to that point where I didn’t know anything that worked. That was right before I figured out that I needed to learn “new” things.
Dear Trying,
Good question. I recall a friend of mine, John Lee, an author, lecturer and general good guy, saying that most of his books on relationship and emotions were bought by a group of women and were now gathering dust under a whole pile of guys beds – unread.
You can, of course, try sharing what you have learned here. Lots of people do. The best way to share that I know of is to “become the change you want to see in the world.” Gandhi, I think. So I would discourage telling your ex, but encourage any kind of showing by your own actions.
This is a kind of teaching your ex to validate, by validating your ex. Teaching 'em to listen by listening to them. Teaching 'em to respect your Lizard by respecting theirs. Teaching 'em to not argue by not arguing with them. etc.
“Hey, I've learned a lot from this website. Been really good for me.” followed by silence. If your partner asks for more, share a little. Tis rules numbers 3 and 4 of my article, What to do when he/she leaves.”
Good luck.
Hey Al,
Do you think that letting your ex know about this website and having her read some of the articles on here would be pushing or considered checking out your theory? Or should you wait until relationship is completely stable again to have her read anything for future problems?
Dear Johnny,
Looking back all the dark times in my life were choice points. Do I embrace the dark and learn from it or do I avoid the dark and remain blind. I prefer to recall the times I chose to learn. Here's a favorite poem on the subject.
A Ritual To Read To Each Other
William Stafford
If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.
For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.
And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail,
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.
And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider–
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.
For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give–yes or no, or maybe–
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep.