When to Fold ’Em?
Lots of people have asked me this over the past year. “If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” I did write one article on how to get ‘em to make a decision about joining you in a relationship. This article is based on the same principle involving a person who maybe acting passively at a time when you want some decision. And remember this is all based on your continued wish to reconnect.
The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.
Here is the setup. They have moved out, either physically or emotionally or both. Their actions have led you to understand that the previous relationship you had with them somehow “sucked” – enough for them to leave. So now you don’t want the old relationship back, but do want to make a new and better relationship with them. You have read my article on What to do when he/she leaves and are trying to follow the four steps.
So the question is, “How long do you wait?” The current wisdom out on the internet seems to be to not contact them at all. I do not think that a wise course. No contact may make them become aware of their “loneliness,” but also may communicate that you don’t care – that you want them to go away.
So here is my suggestion. Modify this as you chose. In its pure form it takes 5 months.
- Establish a contact channel: email, or cards are ideal. It should be cheap and easily permit the sending of a very limited amount of information. I find text messaging is not very suited to this, nor is voice mail, but you choose. You want them to receive your contact and have perfect freedom about what they do with it: read it, trash it, etc.
- Plan a message that you are going to send. You may have to send as many as 10, so make this simple. The message should contain a “greeting,” an optional bit of news, a clue to your work on yourself, a gentle invitation for more contact.
- The greeting can be nothing more complex than “Hi,” or “Dear Mike,” etc. Keep this light.
- Optional newsy bit is just something like “It’s raining hard,” “The lilacs are out,” “Broke my leg the other day. Doing ok, tho.” Don’t mention anything awful that they might feel obliged to fix. Don’t ever say, “I’m miserable without you,” or the like.
- The clue to your work on yourself is part of my instruction to “3: Work on yourself visibly.” This should be different in each note, and I think these should be pretty abstract. You want your partner to be curious for more. Some examples are, “Seeing my counselor weekly and I am sure learning a lot,” “Wow am I learning about how pushy I used to be.” “Boy, I am getting it that I have been asleep for years.” Etc. Anything you are learning that might involve some subject of their past “complaints” might be good. An example could be that if they complained about your temper, you say, “I am working really hard on getting rid of my anger. I realized it’s been a problem to me for years.”
- Lastly you include a gentle invitation (not a push) to more contact. “Love to hear from you any time you feel like it,” “It’d be fun to hear your voice.” “If you ever feel like contacting me, feel free.” (I strongly suggest you don’t ask questions. None, if you can. Just gentle invitations.)
- Then sign it, bluntly or not at all. “Dave,” “Yours,” etc. Do not say, “Your most obedient and humble servant, begging for your orders, please, please.”
- Send one message only, once a week for one month. (4 messages) Send one message, once every other week for two months. (4 messages) Send one message, once a month for two months. (2 messages) STOP.
That’s it.
If at any time he/she re-contacts you, follow my rule #4 and respond minimally. Oh, if their contact is neutral or simply newsy, read it and ignore it. The contact you are looking for is some request to connect to you coming from them. Example: if they say, “Life is crazy here,” you might feel an impulse to write back something like, “What’s going on?” Don’t do it! It’s a trap. If they say, “Tell me more about what you are learning,” that’s a move to reconnect. Respond minimally to that. Wait for them to be explicit.
Do not be surprised too much if he/she contacts you after the five months of this process. Your partner is leaving that period with a memory of your wanting them, but not pushing. That, I think, is the best you can do.
Good luck.
Hi Al
After being on my own for 2 months and gradually learning to give my husband time and space as suggested i can say without hesitation that this time as been the worst time of my life but will in the end be the making of me.
Before my husband and I got together he use to date a girl at work and they would sit on the same table as me for breakfast. They never spoke a word. Every day the same ritual. I, at the time was chatty and bubbly and i liked me then. Long story short but he ended the relationship with this girl and then we got together. she took the break up quite badly but he said that he was not happy with her. he told me that they never did anything but sit in a room and watch t.v. He found her boring and irratating. Somethimes he would purposely cause an argument and in bed she would nudge him in the back as an indication that she wanted sex which he would ignore by pretending to be asleep. When they broke up no one had much time for her. She was viewed as someone miserable and needy and looking back on it he behaved with her as though he was the better person.
As i have sat here thinking and thinking it suddenly hit me like a train. Over time I became her. He never wanted to talk to me and i always felt that he just wanted to stop the conversation. in the end i stopped trying to talk to him and we sat watching boring tv in silence. i was to afraid to go and do things on my own because i felt so insecure. on the occasions when i did go and do other stuff however, he would come with me until i returned to my place on the couch and sat back down with him to resume the silence. OMG i cant believe how clear it all is now. What i thought he liked about me at first was now clearly disliked by him. He once said my laugh iritated him. He rejected me sexually many many times. He told me we had nothing in common.
I have read things and the more i read the more confused i get. All i know is t that i do not want to be involved with any one ever again. I want to know why I allowed this to happen to me and why does he do this to people.
he treats me like he is the better person now and clearly as no respect for me. i dont have any respect for me when i am around him. i seem to act like a really stupid person. thats what he use to call me, stupid and nuts in the head.
Can you tell me what makes a person do this to another person and then once they have knocked the stuffing out of that person then resents them for giving in to them. I just was not skilled enough to deal with him but does that make me a person who should be treated with such distain.
I want to understand it all, can you help me do that.
Regards
Barb
Sure, we can work together on figuring this all out. Besides, you are probably attracted to this kind of relationship, so it is a good thing to learn from it. I like your phrase “worst time of my life but will in the end be the making of me.” So we can get on with it.
Couple of thoughts: “He treats me like he is the better person.” This sounds a whole lot like the trait of “arrogance” and usually involves “shame.” Active addicts (alcholics) have a lot to be ashamed of and often display a lot of arrogance to cover this up. And if you are drawn to such arrogance, then you probably saw it when you were a kid.
And as for acting stupid around him, that seems to be a learned trait. I wonder who taught you that by acting stupid you might get your way? Lots of women are taught this. Bummer.
We can chat.
Al,
question I am lost on. I’ve been conflicted on going NC but after reading this article I feel as you do NC might spark loneliness, true in a way it would create a hole where I was once, but it would also I think confirm things she believes as in I really didn’t want her.
We’ve been in frequent contact since the break up (year and some change ago) I essentially have been mirroring her, letting her initiate virtually all contact, being friendly, not inquiring into her life, v little pushing and holding the door open for her to go as much as been possible which seemed to surprise her.
In periods where I have pulled back usually texts go from trivial her telling me about her day, something, asking how I am doing, us joking around, even things with more substance to:
“just not feeling chatty today?”
“you’ve been on my mind”
“you okay?”
“something up? / is something wrong?”
etc. Is there a way you’d handle these or similar texts that seem to be about her feeling ignored (or that something is wrong by me not contacting her) or would you still just hold off all contact until a true effort on her part for a minor/meaningful reconnect
Backstory: Imagine an imago match where the lady feels hurt and betrayed (she found out later in our relationship that I had been seeing others at the same time before we were committed but my actions had told her otherwise at the time, and after I was honest with her the next 6 months I wasn’t really there for her to help her feel validated and that I cared so she left) and had to leave because she didn’t feel wanted and even a year after the break up and still in frequent contact is hesitant to trust and let go to the point she feels truly stuck on how she feels and in her own words: “I’m confused because its weird knowing how I once felt about you and not understanding why I can’t just feel that way again.” she has played the part of hesitant avoider and me minimal clinger (being honest in working on myself and trying to be there for her to help her trust me). There is a lot of closeness, and until a month ago physical intimacy, until of course as it seemed we were working towards something like genuinely getting closer, she pulled back again. Saying she was stuck, how she struggles to kiss me (almost as if she refuses to let herself feel special) I was initially going to walk away after that but when I did she said she just wanted to feel cared for, and when I made the moves to leave she said she just wanted to feel cared for by me and that I was interested in a friendship with her, interested IN her and not just sex with her and how is she supposed to know I’d stay around for a round 2 if I didn’t want anything to do with her. (when in reality I very much care and love her)
I never liked the No Contact plan cuz it came across too manipulative. My preference is a) to create and affirm plenty of space while still b) showing interest in being reconnected – but in a totally new way, working toward Vintage Love. I think that if she is reaching out often with these little things, then you’ve probably got her confused about what you are doing and what you intend. My suggestion is that you want to be clearer with her. A single text, email, note should do that. If you let her know you want to build a beautiful relationship, but only at her rate, then she won’t be wondering.
What I am doing here is PreValidating her messages and encouraging you to Validate her. It’s common for me to use “Validate the stuffing out of her” as a way to describe my general suggestion.
yeah I’ve been conflicted on maybe sharing as it came up and holding back a bit letting her reconnect at her own pace over or writing a quick note. So I wrote a note Im holding off on sending but I figure I’ll post it here and get your thoughts if its close to the mark I should be going for.
“I think I know how I’ve been coming off and I want to help so you’re not in the dark. Up till now I have been pretty confused on how to reconnect with you meaningfully. It seems we’ve been kinda doing a you want what you want I want what you want. And I thought about it: I love your difference from me. I adore it. I love the fact that you are you and not me. You being you is what drew me to you. You just being you, the girl YOU wanted to be. And thinking about that I see I haven’t been a good source of safety to you. I kinda feel I pushed you into a corner trying to get you to do and be what I want for the last long while. Not too cool. So I guess I want to say I no longer have any interest in pushing you to be anything but being the girl you want to be, and I want you to feel safe that you can do that. I accept you have your beliefs and your right to make decisions for your own life, and I want you to know that to me that what you are doing right now does makes sense and I do believe you are doing what you feel is best for you. I love that you were strong enough to follow through on that. And I want you to keep doing whats best for you.
I want you to do things at your rate. And if you know there’s something that can be done that would to help make you feel better, I invite you to share those kind of thoughts with me at your own pace as they come up.”
Nice thoughts, Dustin.
Oh this is much too long. Wait till she is reaching out to you. Speak long only when she is interested . This is the stuff you share with me or your counselor.
One think I think you should avoid is making “new promises.” “From now on I will respect your boundaries!” ETC. Their minds just call “bullshit” on “all those words.” So it’s not worth saying them. Still it is great to be figuring these intentions out and “doing them.” Good luck.
Hi Al
I need your opinion on my relationship with my husband. He left me almost 7 weeks ago and i want him back. i dont however, want our relationship back as it was. i have tried unsuccessfully to explain to him about lizards and how we could try to make it work. my husband is not a talker and so i have to be careful how i word things. his patience is very thin on the ground. i have asked him to come home but i got a very curt no. I have calmed down a lot over the past few weeks and fight my very strong urges to contact him. when i do have contact with him now its usual for practical matters and i have not mentioned us for a while but recently I thought i would chance my arm when i spoke to him.
i asked him how he felt about me because i am struggling to accept that if he loves me, how come he could leave me. he got a bit angry and said that if i questioned how he felt about me again he would hang up the phone. i continued talking explaining that i sometimes found the situation hard but that i respect his request for space. i went on to say that if he wanted to contact me for anything he could. his responce to this was i could ring or text him whenever i wanted because he didnt do ringing or texting but did not mind if i contacted him. i then pushed it and asked him if he would consider spending a bit of time with me but he said no because all we have to talk about is this and he did not want to talk about it.
i know my husband well enough to know that if i followed your plan for contact it would not work. if i left it this long he would not contact me no matter what. he has made his decision to leave based on our circumstances which he believes will not change so getting back together is out of the question. if i cant talk to him about trying a different way how can i ever get him to see how good we could be.
I am sure that if i did not contact him he would not contact me. he might be in love with me and hurting but he would not tell me. the longer this goes on the more worried i become. he did say some weeks ago that we could not get back together now because its gone to far. i need some help in knowing how to deal with it. if i get it wrong i might not get another chance. sometimes when we chat it feels just normal and ok but other times he feels like a stranger. how can this person who i have all these feelings of love for feel like a stranger to me. i want to know how hes feeling and how can i get him to listen to me
Thank you so much for time
Barb
Dear Barb,
This all seems completely normal for “What to do when he leaves you.” Read that and my “Map of Relationships, and finally the Reliable Membership essay.” Lay out your plans.
It’s worth noting that part of the reason he’s pulled/is pulling away, probably most, is because of what you do when he has/is been close. I’ve always found it’s easy to see the other person’s behavior but harder to notice my own. When I was in your situation, my wife told me I looked like an Alien Creature running right at her. Looking back that was just the panic behavior of my lizard when it was feeling abandoned. Because I was a sloooow learner, I created for myself the reminder poster “You’ll never get love by chasing a Lizard.”
Good luck.
Dear Al
My girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me a little over 6 weeks ago. I've always had issues with shyness and social anxiety which I never dealt with. This led to an over reliance on my girlfriend for practically everything. I was unable to forge a career for myself and live my own life in the way I wanted to. Add to that my mum died last year, things with the girlfriend became really strained. She tried very hard to get me to seek help and I made a lot of false promises, in hindsight, it's not as if I didn't want help, but I was actually completely incapable both physically and mentally of doing so.
In the end my girlfriend made the ultimate sacrifice for both of us and broke it off. We both still loved each other deeply, but things had to change.
I know though that if it wasn't for this relationship and my wonderful girlfriend I would have never have found myself in the situation I find myself in now.
Within 2 days of the break-up I'd been to the doctors, I was referred onto a course of CBT to conquer my issues with shyness and I was also diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti-depressants. A month into the break-up and I feel fantastic, I've never felt so positive about my life ever. I'm 36 and now finally I'm looking forward to a future that is for me. I'm planning my life for the first time ever and starting to think about careers. I didn't personally go down the no contact route because I didn't feel comfortable doing so at the time, so I've had regular contact with my ex, mainly through texts, but also the odd telephone conversation.
I was supposed to meet her this afternoon for lunch to see if we could go about building a friendship but she phoned and cancelled at the last minute because she wasn't ready to meet in the end and was worried we'd both go back to square one. I completely and utterly respect her decision, I was only 50/50 myself. I really wanted to see her, just to see her. See her face, see her smile, see that she was ok. The more I think about it the more I believe that not meeting up was definitely the right decision. We had a fantastic conversation, we both admitted that we found it difficult even talking on the phone, because the feelings are still so strong between us. I resisted the temptation to ask her if there was any chance of reconciliation in the future, because a) it would not be helpful and b) deep down I know she would say no. Not because it's a definite no, but because she HAD to say no. I need to sort my life out for me, not for her and she told me that during the break-up. If she was to give me any crumb of hope, she would never know if I was changing for her or myself. Like I said we had a fantastic conversation, laughing and joking and catching up and at the end we agreed to have no contact until after Christmas then try and develop a friendship after that. At the very end of the conversation she said “You know I still love you” and I returned the sentiment. It was a sweet moment, and almost a realisation that we will always be connected in some way, whatever happens in he future.
I have no idea if I'll ever get back with her, and at the moment I know it's not right, but in the future I hope so.
I've realised that If you don't love yourself, I don't think you can ever really love anyone else. I take comfort in the fact that my girlfriend cared so deeply for me that she broke both our hearts so that I could find happiness for myself. You know some people will go through life and never find true love with someone, others will find it for a fleeting moment, and I feel so privileged to have had that experience with my ex. We shared so many fantastic times and there's not one second I would change for anything and that includes the break-up because it had to happen for things to change for the better. It really is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
So Al, that's my story, I've read lots of your advice on here and as you can see am actively helping myself change for the better. I was wondering if I should start the 10 email contact program you recommend? If so do I start from scratch, I guess I've sent an email a week since the break-up, or do I reduce it down to once a fortnight and continue from there.
Regards
Thank you for that! This was definitely my last message. I'm young (25) so I'm in no hurry to find someone else. It just felt like I had been through some very formative years with her (known her for 6) so I didn't want to let go so quickly. I will definitely continue to use this site for any future relationships I get in. But the biggest benefit from this site I've gotten is its given me path to let go with resentment or anger. Because there certainly some of that to start. But you painted such good picture of what love is, it definitely calmed my lizard. So thank you!