When to Fold ’Em?
Lots of people have asked me this over the past year. “If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” I did write one article on how to get ‘em to make a decision about joining you in a relationship. This article is based on the same principle involving a person who maybe acting passively at a time when you want some decision. And remember this is all based on your continued wish to reconnect.
The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.
Here is the setup. They have moved out, either physically or emotionally or both. Their actions have led you to understand that the previous relationship you had with them somehow “sucked” – enough for them to leave. So now you don’t want the old relationship back, but do want to make a new and better relationship with them. You have read my article on What to do when he/she leaves and are trying to follow the four steps.
So the question is, “How long do you wait?” The current wisdom out on the internet seems to be to not contact them at all. I do not think that a wise course. No contact may make them become aware of their “loneliness,” but also may communicate that you don’t care – that you want them to go away.
So here is my suggestion. Modify this as you chose. In its pure form it takes 5 months.
- Establish a contact channel: email, or cards are ideal. It should be cheap and easily permit the sending of a very limited amount of information. I find text messaging is not very suited to this, nor is voice mail, but you choose. You want them to receive your contact and have perfect freedom about what they do with it: read it, trash it, etc.
- Plan a message that you are going to send. You may have to send as many as 10, so make this simple. The message should contain a “greeting,” an optional bit of news, a clue to your work on yourself, a gentle invitation for more contact.
- The greeting can be nothing more complex than “Hi,” or “Dear Mike,” etc. Keep this light.
- Optional newsy bit is just something like “It’s raining hard,” “The lilacs are out,” “Broke my leg the other day. Doing ok, tho.” Don’t mention anything awful that they might feel obliged to fix. Don’t ever say, “I’m miserable without you,” or the like.
- The clue to your work on yourself is part of my instruction to “3: Work on yourself visibly.” This should be different in each note, and I think these should be pretty abstract. You want your partner to be curious for more. Some examples are, “Seeing my counselor weekly and I am sure learning a lot,” “Wow am I learning about how pushy I used to be.” “Boy, I am getting it that I have been asleep for years.” Etc. Anything you are learning that might involve some subject of their past “complaints” might be good. An example could be that if they complained about your temper, you say, “I am working really hard on getting rid of my anger. I realized it’s been a problem to me for years.”
- Lastly you include a gentle invitation (not a push) to more contact. “Love to hear from you any time you feel like it,” “It’d be fun to hear your voice.” “If you ever feel like contacting me, feel free.” (I strongly suggest you don’t ask questions. None, if you can. Just gentle invitations.)
- Then sign it, bluntly or not at all. “Dave,” “Yours,” etc. Do not say, “Your most obedient and humble servant, begging for your orders, please, please.”
- Send one message only, once a week for one month. (4 messages) Send one message, once every other week for two months. (4 messages) Send one message, once a month for two months. (2 messages) STOP.
That’s it.
If at any time he/she re-contacts you, follow my rule #4 and respond minimally. Oh, if their contact is neutral or simply newsy, read it and ignore it. The contact you are looking for is some request to connect to you coming from them. Example: if they say, “Life is crazy here,” you might feel an impulse to write back something like, “What’s going on?” Don’t do it! It’s a trap. If they say, “Tell me more about what you are learning,” that’s a move to reconnect. Respond minimally to that. Wait for them to be explicit.
Do not be surprised too much if he/she contacts you after the five months of this process. Your partner is leaving that period with a memory of your wanting them, but not pushing. That, I think, is the best you can do.
Good luck.
For everything, angry and rageful and completely shut down. He’s sending me mixed messages about loving me but only talking about my stuff. He runs away psychologically and physically. I don’t feel safe to say what I’ve done wrong as he uses it against me and makes him more angry about why he’s left, taking no responsibility for his part. He’s written lists of what I have to give up and change like my support groups as he felt that made me worse and done nothing to make an effort from his part. I’m insecure, needy, jeolous, disabled in my quick reactions, reassurance seeking and temper. I’ve been working on my self for 8 years but seem to fail and push people away. He knows everything but using it against me. He freezes me out which makes me worse. In desperate and heartbroken. The happened in an old relationship. I feel like a failure. How can I trust him if he comes back (for leaving). Can u ever have a successful marriage after a separation and with it at the back of your mind? He’s treating me like a stranger but just saying he ‘needs space’ but behaving like we’re divorced or like a single man. I feel unloved and unlovable because my reptilian brain is too powerful. Please help. I’m so upset. I feel devastated. I just want love and connection and to succeed in marriage. We’ve only been married 5 years in my and together 7 1/2. I feel like a failure and want him back as the person underneath his rage I love but he’s withdrawn everything from me.
Dear al, I live in the uk and have 3 toddlers 4 and under. I love my husband very much but he left me 3 months ago. He’s been extremely angry and abusive towards me emotionally and disrespectful. He doesn’t give me notice when seeing the children, blows out child arrangements last minute, last night didn’t show up to marriage guidance sending me a text 40 minutes in that he had run late (not telling me before) has moved all his stuff out and in to a flat (with a removal man when I wasn’t there) taken furniture without telling me, going out all the time (not with other women though). He’s blaming me
Hello Al,
OMG I’m so grateful for your site and all this information. Helps me have a map of sort to find my way through crazy-ness.
I am in a committed long-distance relationship with a man I love. We are 3000 miles apart. No physical, 3-D “glue”. Only email, phone or Skype. We’ve managed to survive, in spite of the odds. We’ve been able to see each other about every 2 – 3 months, for about a week at a time.
I’m the clinger. He’s the avoider. We’ve slowly become conscious of our crazy-making pattern: when he gets flooded (by me, my emotions, critical or judgmental comments), he shuts down communication. I mean ALL communication. Won’t answer the phone, won’t reply to email, won’t respond to Skype. And I’m left hanging with zero communication and no way to know when it might resume. Which elicits crazy levels of life-and-death feeling anxiety in me. I don’t think he realizes HOW physically and emotionally panicked I get. I wish he could read this site, but English is not his first language and this content would be too hard. In the past I’ve been unable to eat and sleep while I wait (sometimes for weeks). I’ve told him I’m willing to give him space but I need to have a timeline so I don’t feel anxious. We’ve discussed our mutual childhood attachment histories and there is understanding of old triggers.
The last time we were physically in the same place, we made some progress on this. We agreed that when he gets too tired to listen to me, or just wants a break/some space, he says a phrase we mutually agreed upon, which goes like: “Hey babe, I need to recharge. How about we connect … later tonight, tomorrow, on Tuesday, etc).” In return, my prearranged commitment is to instantly let him go and have the space/rest he needs, BUT with the reassurance of knowing he IS coming back.
The following month (this past month) he was under a lot of stress. He’s been purchasing an apt and there have been a lot of problems, and we’ve been stressed by that and I’ve been very emotional. He had work stress too (that I wasn’t aware of). While at work in another city, he had a health crisis and collapsed. He had to go to the hospital. We spoke briefly, he returned to his home city.
As a result of the collapse, he’s been unable to read and can’t walk properly (a virus attacked the inner ear). He goes to doctors in his city. I’m worried about him. He goes to stay at his sister’s for safety reasons. I call several times to know what’s happening. I’m unfortunately perimenopausal and cry on the phone. He can’t take it. Flooded. Gets angry. Tells me to stop calling him. That I’m stressing him out. That the stress from the past month (which he feels is because of ME… my emotional crying, my wanting to know what’s happening with the apt, his negative memories of this pattern from previous times etc). When I ask if I can call again in a week, he says (angrily) he can’t negotiate stuff like that and says he’s going to hang up now and NOT to call him.
Now, after this I do research to find out about his medical issue. I get pretty worried. Mental confusion is
part of it. The condition can become serious. I have no way to evaluate how he really is. His sister doesn’t reply to two emails where I ask about him (I expected that; too complicated to go into here). All the doors are shut tight. I suspect his sister showed him my email, and this was perceived by him as further efforts to control/pursue on my part, and pissed him off.
I’m scared to call him because I don’t want to further trigger him. This will escalate him if he is not wanting me to pursue him (but I can’t assess his state of mind… is he purposely shutting me out? Or is he physically unable to communicate with me? Or is he lying in a hospital somewhere? I love him, he’s in a health crisis and I have no idea what’s going on day to day.
Don’t know what to do… I thought of writing him a letter committing to 100% no communication from me (actually drafted it) and validating that I heard his desire for space, and placing no timeline on when he contact me. ***BUT now I just read your article, and I”m worried that I’d be making a mistake stopping all communication from my end.*** Not to mention that I feel terrified as hell to have NO communication and NO idea if there ever will be a communication back from him. Especially since he is unwell… and who knows what might happen??
I can’t physically just travel to his city and show up at his place, because he’s not at home. He’s at his sister’s and her address is unlisted (tried to find it).
ANY ADVICE??? I feel totally stuck and worried.
A clinger who, if this gets resolved, is determined to get joint-counselling and make clear commitments and accountability structures so this doesn’t happen again.
What a challenge! Long distance relationships, I find, are very very difficult. Very hard to get out of the Romantic Stage. Easy to avoid the Power Stuggle, and thus very small chance of getting into the University of Life. Not impossible, but very hard. And then you have language (maybe cultural) and health issues on top of that. Lots to work on. It’s hard enough to be clinging when you’ve driven your partner away nearby.
The issues of Reliable Membership and of The Lizard seem to me to be deep-down unconscious and thus don’t need your partner near to be activated. Oh well, most falling-in-love stuff doesn’t need a partner anyway, just the image (fantasy) of a partner.
I liked your sentence “ I thought of writing him a letter committing to 100% no communication from me….” The kind of thinking a clinger gets into when they are alone. “I send him twenty emails each day saying I won’t bother him.” or “I won’t push him, but may fly to his city.” Very familiar stuff. Don’t do it.
Remember you want to change your communication/connection style so that when he feels like reaching out, and he will, he thinks of you as an easy person to reach out to. I think you want to come across as interested AND willing and able to help him with his needs for “quiet” or “solitude” or “introspection”, etc. “Come sit with me and be at peace.”
Work on self-care in the meantime.
I’m glad you find my stuff valuable.
Hi Al,
I just found your site and have to say, I wish I found it sooner!!!
My ex and I were together for about 7 years, known each other for 14. She broke up with me at the end of July. It was because of a lack of affection and appreciation of her. She quickly got into a new relationship after our break up, about 3 weeks later(rebound relationship?). I did start to slowly date myself and during this time, I gave her space and only contacted her in reference to settling business matters. Then at the end of October we started to talk about trying but we were both very back and forth with our feelings with trying. Finally I said to her that I’m ready to try and ready to give it 100%, however she was still back and forth. Now, during this time I did reflect and started to improve on the things I know I did in our relationship and I understood my part in the break up.
Now she said she was afraid to go back with me because what if I hadn’t changed or improved. Not to mention she now is seeing someone who fulfills her emotionally, like she’s always wanted from me. She did go on to tell me that there are things about him that make her not see herself with him.
Fast forward to now and we did go out about 4 or 5 times, had a great time like we always did. However, with the ups and downs I was having because she would not commit 100% to try with me, I told her that she is in a different place in her life and not ready for what I want. That I’m ready to get married and have a family, she quickly replied “She does want to get married and have kids, sooner than I think.”, as I continued to doubt that via our conversation she continued to repeat it. I also told her that it isn’t right that we talk, text and see each other while she is still dating this guy. She reluctantly agreed but kept saying she doesn’t want to lose me in her life. Now she’s saying that she doesn’t want to lose me but at the same time she wasn’t leaving this guy…?
Well about 3 weeks ago we saw each other and had a long, long talk about things. Very good conversation and again the topic of marriage came up and she again repeated “I do want to get married and have kids, sooner than I think”. I mention that because after hearing that so much from her, I took it as a sign, a hint that she wanted that commitment from me. So about 2 weeks ago, I contacted her and asked to see her on December 22nd. My plan was to propose to her, however she said it would not be right for us to go to dinner, since she is seeing someone. I accepted that and then thought about just talking with her on the phone, which we did start a long conversation however, she was at work and I felt she was distracted. So I said I’ll call her later but during the day, I said, I should see her in person. I texted her and asked to see her that day, she agreed and we met after work.
Met her in a very nice out door trendy mall and we walked for about 30 minutes, as I told her how I felt about everything and her. We finally got to a somewhat private area and sat down. I asked for hand and started to hold it, at that point she had a nervous smile on her face, I got down on one knee and then I proposed. As I said the words to her, she had a smile on her face and was surprised by my proposal. She then covered her mouth and started to say “You’re crazy, you’re crazy…” She was then silent for about 30 seconds and I said so…she then said “I’ve wanted this for so long, for so long. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, you do this now when I’m seeing someone. What am I suppose to do about him?”
Well to wrap this up, we talked about about another 30 minutes and told her I’m here to give her the rest of my life and then she became very emotional and got in her car quickly and left. That night I emailed he a song which represented my feelings almost exactly and in the subject line wrote: You can choose to listen to this or not. She replied the next day, “she listened to it and it was beautiful. Sorry she left so abruptly and that she cried all the way home.” I replied back to her email that I understand this is hard and I will give her time and space. Well, she texted me a few days later about something my niece posted on Facebook and I replied the following day and we talked via text that day but nothing about our relationship. That was a week ago and I have not heard from her since or contacted her. She has talked about “us” since my proposal. Can you tell me your thoughts on things? Will the 5 month process be effective?
Hello Al, thank you for your reply. Thank you for offering to work with me. I wish i was closer to you in terms of miles. I live in England and work the late shift 2 till 10 pm. Could we possibly communicate through email.due to the problems of our time differences. I am so hungry for knowledge that i am rushing to read so fast that I am not digesting all of the detail before I go rushing on to the next topic.but worst still is that i am not applying what i have learned. My husband who has now been gone almost 10 weeks came to the house today to collect his mail. This is the first time ive seen him in a few weeks. As he turned to leave I went to him to hug him. I remembered you saying that your wife saw you as some kind of Alien Creature running toward her. Whilst holding him i thought i want him to see me as someone who cares deeply for him but instead i have probably stirred his lizard and instead of him seeing this gentle, soft and caring person hes seeing a desperate Alien like creature.
He did not however, push me away or respond to the hug badly, in fact he held me tight and when i thought i should stop hugging him and moved to do this he pulled me back in and continued to hold me. I cant tell you how good that felt but….
Does holding me like this mean, that just for that moment in time he was happy to do it or did i stir his lizard and was he now in freezing mode. And how do i read the signs accurately. Have i messed up all the space time that i have given him by acting so impulsive. and how do i stop this behaviour when i am around him .
I want to learn and understand me more.
Thank you for your time
Barb
Really hard to know what he means by the act of “holding you”. Would have to ask him. I would seek to improve your communication skills to get that information from him.
I hear that you want to learn more and that is why I’ve written so much and made it available free. Keep digging around and checking out what you learn with what you experience. Try new stuff.
I don’t really do Email chatting. I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work. My email address is al@alturtle.com. Phone does work and I imagine we could find a time that would fit your schedule and mine (US Pacific Coast). Meeting Times
Keep plugging away.
Al