When to Fold ’Em?
Lots of people have asked me this over the past year. “If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” I did write one article on how to get ‘em to make a decision about joining you in a relationship. This article is based on the same principle involving a person who maybe acting passively at a time when you want some decision. And remember this is all based on your continued wish to reconnect.
The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.
Here is the setup. They have moved out, either physically or emotionally or both. Their actions have led you to understand that the previous relationship you had with them somehow “sucked” – enough for them to leave. So now you don’t want the old relationship back, but do want to make a new and better relationship with them. You have read my article on What to do when he/she leaves and are trying to follow the four steps.
So the question is, “How long do you wait?” The current wisdom out on the internet seems to be to not contact them at all. I do not think that a wise course. No contact may make them become aware of their “loneliness,” but also may communicate that you don’t care – that you want them to go away.
So here is my suggestion. Modify this as you chose. In its pure form it takes 5 months.
- Establish a contact channel: email, or cards are ideal. It should be cheap and easily permit the sending of a very limited amount of information. I find text messaging is not very suited to this, nor is voice mail, but you choose. You want them to receive your contact and have perfect freedom about what they do with it: read it, trash it, etc.
- Plan a message that you are going to send. You may have to send as many as 10, so make this simple. The message should contain a “greeting,” an optional bit of news, a clue to your work on yourself, a gentle invitation for more contact.
- The greeting can be nothing more complex than “Hi,” or “Dear Mike,” etc. Keep this light.
- Optional newsy bit is just something like “It’s raining hard,” “The lilacs are out,” “Broke my leg the other day. Doing ok, tho.” Don’t mention anything awful that they might feel obliged to fix. Don’t ever say, “I’m miserable without you,” or the like.
- The clue to your work on yourself is part of my instruction to “3: Work on yourself visibly.” This should be different in each note, and I think these should be pretty abstract. You want your partner to be curious for more. Some examples are, “Seeing my counselor weekly and I am sure learning a lot,” “Wow am I learning about how pushy I used to be.” “Boy, I am getting it that I have been asleep for years.” Etc. Anything you are learning that might involve some subject of their past “complaints” might be good. An example could be that if they complained about your temper, you say, “I am working really hard on getting rid of my anger. I realized it’s been a problem to me for years.”
- Lastly you include a gentle invitation (not a push) to more contact. “Love to hear from you any time you feel like it,” “It’d be fun to hear your voice.” “If you ever feel like contacting me, feel free.” (I strongly suggest you don’t ask questions. None, if you can. Just gentle invitations.)
- Then sign it, bluntly or not at all. “Dave,” “Yours,” etc. Do not say, “Your most obedient and humble servant, begging for your orders, please, please.”
- Send one message only, once a week for one month. (4 messages) Send one message, once every other week for two months. (4 messages) Send one message, once a month for two months. (2 messages) STOP.
That’s it.
If at any time he/she re-contacts you, follow my rule #4 and respond minimally. Oh, if their contact is neutral or simply newsy, read it and ignore it. The contact you are looking for is some request to connect to you coming from them. Example: if they say, “Life is crazy here,” you might feel an impulse to write back something like, “What’s going on?” Don’t do it! It’s a trap. If they say, “Tell me more about what you are learning,” that’s a move to reconnect. Respond minimally to that. Wait for them to be explicit.
Do not be surprised too much if he/she contacts you after the five months of this process. Your partner is leaving that period with a memory of your wanting them, but not pushing. That, I think, is the best you can do.
Good luck.
Following my own rules, make this a lot shorter. Nothing wrong with hearing about her success. “Hi there. I heard about the new job and Congratulations. Glad you are doing well. Miss you. ” Sign it.
Short is sweet, till she shows signs of turning toward you.
You are getting close to the time to consider putting someone else in your life. That project can take some time. Good luck.
Hey Al!
I am trying to send my ex a message. I think the last one was a fail! She did not respond to it but she did respond to the one before it very quickly but did not move to connect. I am at the 4.5 month mark but this would only be the 3rd message I have sent her. The last one was 3 weeks ago.
The question I have specifically is: Could the newsy bit be about her? She recently graduated and just got a job. Now she didn't tell me about it but it would be obvious since we share a lot of friends I would hear about it. So I was going to write something like this:
Hey, I hope you don’t mind that I’ve sent you a few messages here because I would like to respect your need for space but I heard you got a job and I wanted to say Congratulations! I was happy to hear about it. I know how hard you have been working for this the last 3 years (especially the last two at UMB). I started a job myself a month ago and moved back down to the city. It feels good to be back out on my own and feel like an adult again. I forgot what that felt like. Anyways I hope you feel that all the work and stress was worth it and that you’re in love with your new job. It would be great to hear about it sometime.
I'm just not sure if its weird that I know about the job? I mean we run in small circles so I wouldn't think so but since the last message went bad I don't want to mess this one up. This will probably also be my last attempt.
Well, this is kind of a tough one. I think the issue is when the relationship gets iffy (not sure if it's gonna go or not), and all relationships get into this spot, how much “effort” or “money” do you throw into it. My quick response is that a) effort to learn you can invest all the way, b) “money” not so much.
And money spent in the act of chasing someone seems a real waste, to me. Heck, the act of chasing, the effort, seems like a waste, too.
But that is for you to choose. Seems to me it would be a good idea to separate the idea the you two love each other (Imago match says you do) from the idea that you are practically building a loving relationship.
For you, the more-often-clinger, I think the focus is on arranging your levels of contact with all sources, so that when he is available you are relaxed and when he pulls away you help him go. You become a source of his needs for “space.” Eventually he comes to you when he needs “space.”
Lots of papers on this on my website. “Reliable Membership”
Good luck.
Dear Al,
Id like to thank you so much for all the knowledge youve put up on your site. I stumbled across it by accident but Im starting to think it must be fate.
I was wondering if you could help me out with my situation.
I am 32. my ex is 30. we had been dating for 10 years. Last year was a troubling time for our relationship. We had constant fights and nothing seemed to be going right. As we loved each other, we tried to still make it work.
Late last year ex asked to be assigned to work overseas (UAE Dubai). I was aware of this. We had talked about moving abroad a for while, however he would always be vague about when exactly the move was going to take place. I knew that he already had doubts about being with me as he told my friend, when we were going through a rough time, that the only way to get rid of me would be to move countries.
I confronted him about it and he said he was going through a tough time in the relationship and had wanted out. However, we seemed to overcome this and he even ended up buying a ring to propose to me with.
Anyways, I went away on holiday for two months and got back May 8. We were supposed to talk about the move and what we would do, or how I could live or work in Dubai. When I arrived back from my trip, I spent 3 days with him before having to visit my family in a different city.
We got into another argument at the end of the week. Nothing unusual or particularly big. But then he completely disappears on me and I go crazy trying to look for him. I did all the crazy things that I have now read about, e.g. calling nonstop, crying, begging, etc. When I finally couldnt take it anymore coz I didnt know where I stood or whether I was going with him or not, he writes me an email saying its over. He didnt have the guts to tell me over a phonecall or face to face. He dumped me in an email and all correspondences between the two of us were via email (he switched his phone off so I couldnt talk to him). I havent contacted him for over a month now. I am getting better slowly but surely and I was ready to let him go. However, someone told me I must now go to Dubai and speak to him, not to get him back but to get some closure from him. I dont know if this is the right thing to do and Im asking for your help.
I know he loves me and that he was confused and debating with himself for a while to end the relationship or not. The day he disappeared on me, he even told me he was going to “marry me without a question of a doubt!”
The last correspondence I received from him a month ago was an email to say he couldnt call me because the pain is too great, but that if I still wanted him to, he would one day.
I have been told that I should go to Dubai to get closure from him as I am lost and still looking for answers. I dont want to ask him anything, I feel that I should just say something to effect of Sorry, Thank you and Goodbye. I figure doing something like fly to Dubai from London would show him that I really love him. What do you think Al? I want to take control of my life rather than wait endlessly in hope.
Hi Al,
Thank you for your insight. You're right, I really don't know what's going on in him. I thought after 2 years of living together and such, I'd know him pretty well, but I guess not. It was always hard communicating with him, he wasn't very verbal, and in fights he stone-walled and would 'snap', becoming mean and cold until I conceded.
It was very confusing for me to interpret him. When he was happy, he would say and do things for me that really felt like his expressions of love, but when he was angry at me, he would say and do the opposite, and they were expressions of hate. I am very curious about what is going on in him…he both loves me and he hates me? I'm not sure, but it's impossible now to really figure out what is going on in him, wouldn't I have to talk to him to find that out?
I do have a lot of work to do on myself, as you probably can guess, I didn't have the best childhood. It seems as though this entire relationship was based on false pretenses, and if that is the case, then should I move on, improve on myself, and find someone to start afresh with?
I'll continue reading your articles, thanks again for replying, your answers were hard to hear, but I very much value your insight.