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Safety and The Lizard: The Essay — 36 Comments

  1. Hi Al,
    Thank you so much for the self insight. It has helped me so much in understanding where I went wrong. So I lied to my partner once and things got resolved and better I promised to no lying. Which I did not. But what I did not realise is I was also making it look like he is not my priority. Which made him feel like he was not important to me at all. And he doesn’t understand how I could not see this back then. He is always on the lizard trying to fight all the time. Says never give An unworthy person like me anything. I don’t know how to do anything. And baacoally blame me for it all. At first I used to fight and now I just keep quite and take it to keep the peace. All he asks me to do is stop wasting his time and mine. And when I did do that he got really angry. When I thought a little space from me might helped he got angry and now holds even that against me. I tell him I understand where I went at fault and I was blinded like your motioned and I wasn’t listening. And all he ever tells is try it in your new relationship. I know he feels the same way about me. Just not the same way with me. How Can I turn this entire situation around ?

    • Hello Apu, Sorry about all that is going on. Sounds pretty painful. I’m glad my insights about the Lizard have been helpful. And I gather you have learned that “making promises” often doesn’t work. Fighting doesn’t work either. Lying doesn’t work. But working to become a source of Safety does work. I like “leaning into Safety”. Putting energy into Playing and Nurturing, etc. “Learning” is nurturing yourself. “Learning about him” is nurturing him.

      Keep reading and keep trying.

  2. Pingback:four kids -cannot stand the touch of my husband. Hopeless? - Page 16

  3. Pingback:Wife separated for "space" now OM has been discovered - Page 127

  4. I feel the same girl. My wife has an affair for one year. I catch her and now she is leaving but, swears affair is over. I was completely blind sided. We laughed constantly, did everything together (except banging her OM), and sex was great. Had no clue. Now, nothing I can do to get her to move back home. Really, mad at myself for wanting her still…maybe it’s because it’s because our two kids and friends?? Who knows but, i do feel like I love her and could get by this if she ever showed great remorse.

  5. Hi Al,

    My husband tells me he is scared of me and hence constantly lied to me. He also had a brief affair with one of his co-worker but they broke off after I exposed their affair, Although, he thinks he is in love with her and not me. I have been more practical in this relationship and he is the emotional one. Now, although we stay in the same house, he refuses to even talk to me. He says we are done and has told be clearly that he wants a divorce. I love him a lot and don’t want to lose him. I have already backed off, I co-operate with everything to make him feel comfortable (without being a doormat!).

    I am confused if he is really ‘done’ with our relationship or it’s just his residue feelings for his affair partner AND him feeling threatened by me.

    So now, do I completely back off, or have minimal contact, even if he is not talking to me?

    • I would suggest you take it that he IS done, and should be, with the relationship where he is scared enough to lie a lot, where affairs (at least one) make sense, etc. That doesn’t mean he is done with you. Probably just points in the direction that both of you can move to improve things. What’s your part in his unsafety and his lies and his affairs? Good to find out, and change the things you can, if you want a relationship with him. The way you two have been doing it is over, methinks.

      • I agree, but he is unwilling to give it another try. He is sure that we will fall into the same routine. I know at this point it may sound very cliched and phony, so I do not want to tell him that I am willing to change (the spying and anger from my side started when I accidentally found out he was having an emotional affair). But I really love him and although, he says otherwise now, there was a point where he loved me too (up till a few months ago at least). I asked him what is it I can do to make him feel safe, he said to go away forever 🙁

        He is known to say such things in anger, so I don’t know if with time and patience, he’s going to come around. I’m deciding to give it a year from now, and maybe after that I may have to let go?

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