What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.
Assuming you want to chat with them.
© Al Turtle 2005
Amazingly this is a very common occurrence, and there is something you can do. I am particularly familiar with this as I am the kind of guy who can talk with someone about intimate subjects for 60 hours, or more, straight. I can drive everyone crazy, and they didn't use to want to talk with me much. (Also check out my papers on Reliable Membership and on the Testicle Principle.)
Rule: People won't talk cuz they don't feel safe to.
This is a pretty simple and very reliable rule. I suggest you learn it. I have found it helps when I want someone to talk to me and they won't. What is typical for me is to try to push them to talk. I had tried thousands of ways, it seemed. My ways never worked. So finally I accepted the idea that "pushing doesn't work." Of course many of my pushing techniques were very tricky and subtle. Still my partner could instantly see, or feel through me and see my pushing. It just didn't work.
Thus my first task is to start to help them feel safe. I have found this is both very difficult and easy. Making anyone feel anything is pretty near impossible. They will feel what they chose to feel, darn them. Still there are lots of things that trigger a sense of safety in a person. And there are lots of things that tend to make a person feel unsafe. Find 'em. Remove 'em.
So let's look at the situation you are in. Someone won't talk to you. Is it that they won't talk to anyone about anything? Or is it that they won't talk to you, personally? These are very different situations, and you have to ask yourself which it is.
If they won't talk to anyone about anything, it may be quite difficult to get them to talk. Somehow they have probably learned to be unsafe with everyone. Could easily be that this comes directly from when they were little. You have to work to overcome that. It's still possible, just difficult and may take a long time with a lot of patience. (Of course, if this is your partner, you picked them. And this problem is part of your personal challenge in life.)
If they won't talk with just you, I think the situation is easier. Here's the thought. You are doing things or have done things, probably lots of things, that tend to make them feel unsafe. You probably don't know what these things are, but these are actions you "can change." What you are doing does not work for you.
Now, remember, what you do is normal for you. You have to identify what those things are that you do, and learn to replace your behaviors with something better – something that works. Sure this can be difficult, but it is your behavior and therefore you can change it. You have this power. (To understand the issues of Safety, click here for many articles.)
Principle #1: Develop and Demonstrate Patience
Probably the first thing you need is to send the message that "you can wait." That means you need to learn patience. Now before you decide that this is hopeless, just remember that patience is a set of skills. Patience is a learned thing. All children are born "impatient." That's normal. It is also normal for us to learn "patience," when we grow up. It is kind of like learning to tie your shoes laces. But some people have not learned patience — YET.
Patience is the habit of comfort when things don't happen at the pace you desire. Easiest way to learn patience is to spend a large amount of time in a slow situation with people who are already very patient. You can learn it by example. Ask others how they learned it. You can also take courses in Meditation, Yoga, and many east Asia disciplines. Practice it.
I still practice intentionally missing traffic lights. If the light is green, I may slow a little. If it turns yellow, I really try to stop. And then I practice enjoying the "tiny vacation" I get while the light is red.
Principle #2: Invite, instead of Push
This is pretty straight forward. Learn to never ask questions. Invite instead. It sounds like this. "I was wondering about something you did the other day. If you ever figure out what was going on for you when you did that, I'd love to hear about it. In the meantime, let's have dinner." Notice how these are all statements with no question mark at the end of them. Many people feel pushed by questions. Just being asked a question often feels like an attack. So, just don't do it. (To understand the issue of Pushing, click here.)
Principle #3: Gently Listen
Wow, is this one valuable! I suggest you show only moderate eagerness when listening, but invite them to say anything they want. Never interrupt. Never add more questions. Just listen and encourage them to say it all. Accept whatever they say. Never, never, never argue. Learn Mirroring so as to help train yourself to relax while listening to anything they say.
I’m in a really complicated situation.. So I haven’t talked to her in almost a month. And first off we met and then I fell in love with her, and I think she loves me too. But she had a boyfriend and recently broke up with him. And I called her but she hasn’t responded. I am a very patient person. But I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Her friend found out I’m in love with her and told her, and after that her bf told her to stop talking to me. And she did so cause she still felt she had feelings a bit for him. She said “she would call me when she was ready.” She also has depression problems a bit. All I want to do is be there for her… I’m so frustrated, can someone help?
Oh, gosh. I bet it seems complicated and worse. That "heart ripped out of chest" stuff is truly awful. For those who have felt that, and I think the vast majority of people who show up at my office or my site have and me too, it is extreme When I found that my best laid plans of long marriage and family were coming to an end, when I got it that my marriage was falling apart, it hurt. People could not see my pain. I used to describe it as the invisible shark bite in my chest and guts. Six inch wide, guts falling out, blood everywhere, and the people around me couldn't see it. On the other hand, those who had felt it themselves, were sympathetic. Those who hadn't experienced it seemed damn cold to me. Sorry, Help M, that it is happening for you.
I guess the good news is that "this, too, will pass". We humans are both designed to feel this enormous distress, to get into situations where we'll feel it, and and and to recover. We are not designed to forget.
Another thought is that probably, tho you can't see it, the gal is a lot of distress and so is the recent boyfriend. Lots of pain to go around though it would be nice/desireable to find someone with whom to share your pain and confusion.
Lots of stuff on my site were written for such as you. But you may not feel like reading. Take your time. Breathe.
Wow thanks Al that really helped, I will be sure to read more of your articles! Thank you so much!
Dear Al,
I have already spoken with you on the site before and you have helped me much so much reading and I have actavly been working on me. So Thank you,
Heres my problem as it stands I have gotten some info back from him as I am tring to use your teachings. I have come to find out that he is cheating. Not sure to what extent as of this moment. I had told you the first time I thought that some one had his ear. You told me that that was a good thing because he has someone that he feels is listining. You informed me that I needed to give him space and not to cling ( not in that exact wording).
He has not told me that he is cheating and he is gone with work at the moment. He is not aware that I know this. When he told me that he wasnt sure if he loved me anymore I did ask him if there was someone else and he denied it. he was home last weekend and was awful to me. I have never seen him treat anyone the way that he treated me
As I said I did get some info from him and befor he left I got a little clarification on what he told me. (not much though mostly I dont know) I understand that hes avoinding when he does this and he may not know or want to tell me.
So what can I do to help get him to be honest with me on the cheating? I am wanting and willing to work though it but right now I dont belive him. I did tell him that I wouldnt call him unless it was about the kids or if they wanted to talk to him. I haven’t. I explained that I understood him to need space from me, asked if that was correct or incorrect, got I don’t know. I told him if he wanted to talk with me at any point while he was gone that I would be here to listen but I didnt want him to feel as if he has to. So leaving it up to him on calling.
Everything in me wants to confront himand her. I just want it out in the open so we can move forward. Just a bit lost on this detail at this time and I am hurt. Thanks SMR.
P.S. I am aware that I enfo dump working on it.
I’m glad you have the new information. Kinda lets you know how serious this is and that you got to continue stubbornly to learn all about how you need to change yourself – learn. You’ll probably have to deal with “Fault and Blame.” I imagine you will have to learn about Making Amends. You’ll probably have to really learn that your anger at his behavior (and you have a right to it) cannot wisely be used in punishing him or confronting them. They are not “bad” and neither are you. But everyone may be behaving foolishly. (Affairs Affairs)
If he is having an affair, I am happy you know. Much better to know than to be in the dark.
Now, as you are learning, remember that “All People Make Sense all the time“. You do and he does. The next step is toward curiousity about
Remember in some way you are doing stuff that scares him. Quit it and make amends for the past slips.
Oh, and by the way, if you approach him, confront him, beat the heck out of him, I think you will just learn a lot of lessons. So do what you think is right.
Easy to say – harder to do 🙂
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Dear TC,
I am with your. That silent treatment is a terrible weapon, but only on those who are not prepared. If you know how to handle silence, the weapon is powerless. Sometimes (I'm thinking of Rush Limbaugh) silence is a joy.
Good luck.
Thanks TC, Thanks Al.
Well today is the 28th day of the silent treatment.
Trying to let the principles of what to do when she won't talk with me to sink in. It IS difficult.
Have been trying the NC thing and I find that it is not working for me – I want us to try again, and I know that with an NC, my partner will just move away totally (she has issues with abandonment) – so I think that the steps in When To Fold 'Em is a better, more constructive way of dealing with this.
Silent treatment is such an awful weapon to wield against another person. I've been trying to defang it, so to speak, to realize that her actions are more about her not me, so that it doesn't have that kind of emotional and psychological power over me. I lost 3.5 kilograms these last 3 weeks.
Thanks again Al, for the papers and the advice here. You don't know how much it has helped even just to have something to work on, to know that there is something I can do, while this is going on.